My husband seems annoyed when I get ill

[KET84]

I had an emergency operation a week ago for something quite serious and whilst I was in the operating theatre my husband decided to go to the golf range! He sees nothing wrong with that scenario and I'm over reacting as he was only a phone call away on the other hand if it was me I know I'd be at home worried out of my mind waiting on any news. Now I'm home he's been emotionally detached, he's looked after me in the way of cooking, cleaning and making sure I have things I need but has hardly spoken to me at all. No hugs or affection and it's not the first time this has happened. Unfortunately we miscarried a few years ago and he turned his back on me then too and made me feel it was my fault. I feel like when I need him the most he holds back. Am I being irrational, am I expecting too much from him?

I posted something very similar earlier this year under another username.

As it is part of a pattern of repeated behaviour, it is classified as neglect- a type of abuse - and is unacceptable in a healthy relationship. I had this confirmed by a psychologist and marriage counsellor. The fact he isn't hitting you is irrelevant, so don't buy into comparing his behaviour with other abusers.

I am sorry this has happened to you. It's shit.

Only you can decide if you will put up with it. My fear was 'What will happen if I get really ill? Do I want to be stuck in a house with someone who punishes me for being ill by withdrawing for months and months?'. We are having counselling and he has promised to improve. So far he has been better, but I told him I was leaving if he ever does it again.

Good luck OP.

He’s open about the fact that he couldn’t give a fck about you, and punishes you when you bring it up, so you can work from there. Do you accept a male who made vows to love, cherish, honour, and protect you, in sickness and health actively, openly discarding you and treating you like shit on his shoe? Your life could be so much better without this specimen treating you with contempt. There’s a kid watching this display? Awful. Good luck if you choose to keep this sub-par male hanging about.

Of course it's abusive.

He takes any opportunity that you are ill or have needed medical attention to treat you like shit.

If that isn't abusive, what is?

Why ANYONE would put up with this and allow it to become a pattern I don't understand.

They are horrible men.

I would rather be alone than grown old and infirm with scum like them.

@billy1966

How are you feeling OP?

I'm not doing to bad, had a bit of a setback with stitches healing so I'm focusing on just getting myself well again at the moment. Any problems and dilemmas can just wait till I'm feeling more myself, I've taken a leaf out of his book and just switched off for a while. Thanks for checking in

My (dressing gown of doom) dh was the same. I have crohns and he used to leave me alone upstairs in bed without even offering to get me a glass of water. I tried to joke about it. He just looked blank at me

Last time it happened I totally lost my shit and screamed the place down at him. Selfish, clearly doesnt love me, blah blah
He explained he thought he was helping by leaving me to it and getting on with chores.
Nope.
Maybe rather than talking calmly (that's getting you nowhere), absolutely bollock him. It might shock the shit out of him

Sorry about the stitches.

Everything can wait until you are healed.

Focus on that.

Keep posting.

@billy1966

How are you feeling OP?

Thank you I'm finally on the mend, had a problem with my stitches not healing which set me back. Feeling alot better and more able to cope, back to work next week too so normality returns. I haven't forgotten the way he has treated me during this time, I've just had to put it on the back burner whilst I get myself well. He however has been better but he always is for a while and the damage this time is irreversible.

OP I'm glad you are feeling a bit better.

Don't let it go. Don't choose to let him think it's ok. It's not ok. It's a shitty way to treat someone you are supposed to love.

I wish you good health, and happiness with a partner who is kind.

Hope when he realises his marriage is on the line, he’ll sort himself out, but presumably you moving out of the bedroom hasn’t had any effect yet?

I guess some people are more emotional with different perspectives and other people can be more clinically detached with their emotions. Sometimes it's not always a choice to be that way but more of a defensiveness mechanism.