My husband seems annoyed when I get ill

[KET84]

I had an emergency operation a week ago for something quite serious and whilst I was in the operating theatre my husband decided to go to the golf range! He sees nothing wrong with that scenario and I'm over reacting as he was only a phone call away on the other hand if it was me I know I'd be at home worried out of my mind waiting on any news. Now I'm home he's been emotionally detached, he's looked after me in the way of cooking, cleaning and making sure I have things I need but has hardly spoken to me at all. No hugs or affection and it's not the first time this has happened. Unfortunately we miscarried a few years ago and he turned his back on me then too and made me feel it was my fault. I feel like when I need him the most he holds back. Am I being irrational, am I expecting too much from him?

Do you think he'd explore why he reacts like this with some counselling cbt? It is most likely learned behaviour from his DM.
It would help him in the future, I'd insist you don't need the extra stress of rejection when ill he needs to deal with his issues.

@EmeraldShamrock

Do you think he'd explore why he reacts like this with some counselling cbt? It is most likely learned behaviour from his DM. It would help him in the future, I'd insist you don't need the extra stress of rejection when ill he needs to deal with his issues.

It most definitely feels like rejection its heartbreaking for him to be so cold towards me.

I've tried to talk and approach the subject many times but he doesn't see a problem, so wouldn't even think of therapy, which is a real shame as the majority of the time he's a great guy.

It is destroying the relationship now.

One day you will both be old. He will expect nurture, you will be left to fester unaided.
One of the reasons my marriage ended. I was boxed off in the home comforts section.
I could not forgive that he abandoned your teenager

I had flu a few years ago. Actual can barely get out of bed flu. Crying with pain and misery flu.
Dragged myself downstairs to find DH sitting eating with a cup of tea. He hadn’t even offered me a cup of tea.
I went absolutely ballistic at him and said it didn’t bode well for the future, in sickness and in health etc. Told him his mother would be spinning in her grave.
He admits that he doesn’t have much patience when anyone is ill.
I, on the other hand, am very kind, sympathetic and caring.
He does do a great deal here and brings me tea every morning. But I’ve never forgotten this.
Oh and I just stubbed my toe really badly earlier and yelped loudly. It was really painful. He didn’t bat an eyelid.

@Shouldbedoing

One day you will both be old. He will expect nurture, you will be left to fester unaided. One of the reasons my marriage ended. I was boxed off in the home comforts section. I could not forgive that he abandoned your teenager

This.

Think good and hard about your future and in the interim stop doing ANYTHING that adds comfort to his life.

so wouldn't even think of therapy, which is a real shame as the majority of the time he's a great guy.
Okay if he is a great gut, why not suggest some couples therapy to help with your feelings about his rejection? Any good therapist will see you're perfectly right and help him see he has a problem. I imagine his DC was cold from the descriptions of his DM probably worse when he was ill.
He needs to go with you, you need the reassurance he'll be there and supportive when the chips are down otherwise he'll lose you.

That's really cold of him and I don't think I could be with him, sorry. Maybe I'm wrong, but the basic reason I want a relationship is because I want companionship - someone to have a laugh with but also someone that will give me a hug when things are shit.

As you get older, health issues will be more frequent, for both of you. So you'll be doing all the caring and nurturing while he stops speaking to you and makes you feel like shit just because you're ill? Your future looks bleak with this man.

Shit childhood does not excuse bad behaviour as an adult. It's not your responsibility to fix him or put up with his VERY unreasonable attitude.

OP,

Really?

Is he really a great guy?

He has let you down, and he has let his daughter down.

A great guy?

I don't think so.

He needs to explain his thinking.
My DH once left me with nothing to eat after I had a nasty accident ( torn calf muscle, suspected concussion, stitches in my arm).
I was in bed, he was downstairs, had cooked for himself and 2of the DC. After 3 hours I shouted, didn't have my phone so couldn't text. Eldest DC came home to find me trying to bum shuffle down the stairs to get some food. Not impressed with her dad at all. He sputtered something about not thinking I was hungry, I told him to eff off. He was hugely apologetic but hasn't been as thoughtless since.

I feel so anxious when I'm around him lately like there is a big ball stuck in my chest.
From the minute he picked me up from hospital I felt I'd rather stay on the ward than be at home with the stress.

He refuses to speak about it then a few days later will just try to cuddle me like nothing ever happened. I've said this time I'm not willing to continue unless we discuss it properly and he said "there's nothing to talk about" and walked out.

That would be it for me, I'd be done. You're worth more and deserve better than this.

I agree with @TheNoodlesIncident

@CursedEngagement

My dad does this. It's how he deals with stress, fear or worry - he just detaches from it. I'd guess that he's worried about you. He golfs because it's a distraction, sitting at home he'd go crazy with worry. He remains slightly distant because he's feeling emotionally charged and doesn't want to engage with that. So, he's just being practical.

Shame women can't do this.

Funny how, when men find family responsibility 'stressful,' they just fuck off and play sports, or suddenly need to be at work more!'

How lovely to just be able to 'detach' and not take any part in the responsibility of looking after your family. As I say, women can't do that!

Then they wonder why the children are much closer to the mother when they're older.

@KET84 YANBU. Your DH sounds useless and selfish. Is there any point being with him?

@GertieCB

I agree with *@TheNoodlesIncident*

I do too, I am worth more than this horrid cycle of events makes me feel. Tried talking to him again before I walk away from it all and just got nothing! according to him there isn't anything wrong and he's tired of it all now too. I've moved myself into the spare room for now I can't for the life of me get over the fact he went to golf whilst I was in surgery and doesn't see it as an issue. He's lied to me over silly things too recently like he popped to the shop 5mins away and was gone for an hour he said he sat in the park to clear his head when really he went to collect golf balls I don't understand the lies.

I had a procedure down there because of a bad smear and was in discomfort and bleeding. Got home from hospital and my partner said he is going to the pub with his mate and was there all night. He is an ex now.

OP,

Get well and strong first.

This is not stropping about being fussed about.

Life is so short, what is the point of him?

He is the way he is.
Not a bad man, just not someone you are prepared to give another 20 years to, dreading the day you get sick because you know what awaits.

I would rather struggle on my own than be made to feel an inconvenience.

I can well believe you would have preferred to stay on the ward.

Surely that IS the lightbulb moment.

You knew your marriage was over after serious surgery, when your realised you would rather stay on the ward than go home and be treated like a inconvenience.

I think anyone hearing that would get it immediately.

I don't necessarily think he doesn't get it, I think he doesn't want to or particularly care enough.

Not that he hates or despises you or anything like that, just your happiness or wellbeing just really isn't a priority.

If that's how he feels, thats how he feels.

But I certainly wouldn't want to be seeing out my days with someone like that.

I would be quietly, at my convenience making plans.

Op - he promised to love and cherish you in sickness and in health. He’s not doing this. Everyone needs cherishing when they are ill and recovering from surgery and it’s really painful when the person who has vowed to do so won’t or can’t. He might be acting out of fear but if so he needs to be able to articulate this to you so that you can work out a way forward. I think if I were you, I would try and focus on getting better and not think about his behaviour too much at the moment. Try and distract yourself with watching funny films, reading books you love etc. Once you are feeling better physically, give him an ultimatum that he either goes to therapy with you or you will start the process of separating. At the end of the day, you will get ill again and you don’t want to have to feel so miserable and unloved when you are feeling ill. Big hugs xxx

@DeflatedGinDrinker

I had a procedure down there because of a bad smear and was in discomfort and bleeding. Got home from hospital and my partner said he is going to the pub with his mate and was there all night. He is an ex now.

I just don't understand the mentality of it. Glad he's your ex.

What is he teaching your DC about how men behave when their wives are sick or need them? It's disgraceful what he's doing to you, but he's teaching them a really bad lesson, too.

OP, you have one life. You describe him as a "great guy" but when you list all of the things he does, I really struggle to see what's great about him.

You are being neglected. He acts as though you aren't there. He's meant to be the one person who has your back. The one person you can turn to when things get tough. He's the complete opposite of that.

Have a think about what a future without him might look like. And have a think about the expectations he'd have of you if he was ill.

Oh dear OP. One of the final straws with my exH was that I was once really Ill with flu, and he declared because I was boring he was going to go and live with his parents for the time being.

I had no food in the house, not that i could stand long enough to cook any and he didn't give two shits whether or not I was OK.

It was how he lived his life as a whole. The only person who ever mattered to him was himself. When I issued divorce papers he sent me rant after rant about how much stress it was causing HIM.

Good riddance. I think if you think about what he brings to your existence and it's not a lot, then you seriously need to ask whether or not it's worth keeping him.

Hi op, I left mine today due to yet another incident of his utter selfishness. I hope you are recovering well

Good for you.

I hope you are ok.

He is caring for you in the best way he knows - practically.

That's unacceptable. "It hurts me to engage and be sympathetic, so I'm not going to, regardless of what you need and how you feel. I don't give a shit if that makes you feel I don't care about you, as long as I don't have to waste any worry or emotions on you". Great. What a loving partner. Besides, the OP's thread title says her dh is annoyed by her being ill, not just that he does practical things to help.

@KET84, I'm really sorry to hear that this is the person you are saddled with. My exh was just like this when I was out of commission/his appliance was malfunctioning. My ectopic pregnancy surgery was a massive inconvenience that got in the way of helping him make dinner (within 24 hours of leaving the operating room) and my threatened early labour a decade later, at 32 weeks, was distressing to him in the fact that I had planned to do some childminding that week and now I might just be sitting around on my butt trying to ensure the wellbeing of his unborn child instead. Believe me, single parenting 3 kids is a piece of fucking cake in comparison to his presence in my life.

How are you feeling OP?

Hope you're ok OP! I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I've not long had a planned procedure and DP of 14 years was excellent in the run up and has been amazing during my covid turmoil of redundancy so I forgot how he can be.

He got drunk the night before so we had to get a taxi in and I had to get there early so he could get his hangover food. (I ensured he got that after me dropped off for self isolating but what's the point when you're in a taxi) He went out with his friend and children on the day of the op as I was told I would need collecting around 6pm so he planned around this. I was let out early and when I called him to collect he said he was ordering food and would be there in an hour or so, no problem. I say awkwardly in reception. Then he said he was going back out, I said he can't I need someone with me and he was angry as apparently I hadn't said that before. He then got angry when he couldn't find the bit of the hospital I had moved to but the lady wouldn't let me out until she handed me over to him. He just kept saying that I should walk out and meet him. He then stopped answering the phone so i thought he had gone home. In the end he found the place but the nurse next to me obviously thought he was a dick and I had no brain. He then was really angrily driving home and went upstairs. We haven't spoken too much since as I'm trying to work out if I should let it go. I also spent a further day in a&e due to complications and he chuckled that I had a complication (think he thinks I'm making it out to be more) and I wasted a day as I was supposed to be doing other things which I obv haven't been able to do. I'm now on too many drugs to th ink straight and honestly just want some cuddles.

So to sum up, you're not the only one going through this and I also have no clue what to do!