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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband seems annoyed when I get ill

85 replies

KET84 · 20/05/2021 20:00

I had an emergency operation a week ago for something quite serious and whilst I was in the operating theatre my husband decided to go to the golf range! He sees nothing wrong with that scenario and I'm over reacting as he was only a phone call away on the other hand if it was me I know I'd be at home worried out of my mind waiting on any news. Now I'm home he's been emotionally detached, he's looked after me in the way of cooking, cleaning and making sure I have things I need but has hardly spoken to me at all. No hugs or affection and it's not the first time this has happened. Unfortunately we miscarried a few years ago and he turned his back on me then too and made me feel it was my fault. I feel like when I need him the most he holds back. Am I being irrational, am I expecting too much from him?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/05/2021 11:39

That’s awful. Your poor Dd!

My ex was similar to this. Couldn’t bear it when I was ill - he wasn’t getting the value out of his resource, you see, and definitely wasn’t going to be throwing his energy away caring for the resource. The resource needed to be spent to the absolute maximum, either out at work, caring for kids and house or ideally both.

billy1966 · 21/05/2021 13:53

[quote LexMitior]@billy1966 - your friend was spot on.

Men like this are selfish - it’s as if women have only one mode. If they are sick, their partners are either absent or shitty until the woman gets back to a mode that is acceptable to them.[/quote]
I was in my early 20's and had never been in that position.

I can tell you that her boundaries (not that we used or knew that word 35 years ago) gave us all pause and food for thought.

I have been briefly seriously ill a few times and my husbands wonderful care of me is something I always remind myself of when he is irritating me.

There is something deeply moving about it.

I was unwell recently, briefly, and he was so good, stepping up an it upset me so much to think of a few people I know who have lost their partner recently and will no longer have that in their home.

When you feel like shit, you are so vulnerable.
Not to be looked after well is so hurtful.
Flowers

TheVolturi · 21/05/2021 14:26

My dh is exactly the same. Hope you're OK op!

battenburgwithtea · 21/05/2021 14:29

Do the same when he's ill and just go out to the shops or cinema or something, see how he likes it. Also, get well soon OP Brew

Glitterandglow · 21/05/2021 14:32

In my experience it can point to narcissism. They HATE looking after Ill people. Look at Dr Ramani on you tube she talks about this.

Emilizz34 · 21/05/2021 15:33

My dh is a really kind considerate person . I am rarely ill or confined to bed . On the rare occasions that it has happened , he used to become detached and matter of fact . He did all the practical stuff. We had a huge row when I was recovered and he admitted that he couldn’t deal with the thought of me ever becoming seriously ill etc and his stress made him come across like that .
It hasn’t happened since then

Original poster
KET84 · 21/05/2021 16:03

@Emilizz34

My dh is a really kind considerate person . I am rarely ill or confined to bed . On the rare occasions that it has happened , he used to become detached and matter of fact . He did all the practical stuff. We had a huge row when I was recovered and he admitted that he couldn’t deal with the thought of me ever becoming seriously ill etc and his stress made him come across like that . It hasn’t happened since then
Unfortunately we've tried to talk about this behaviour before and unfortunately he just denies he's being like it. If he doesn't see it as a problem it's not going to change.

I feel so anxious when I'm around him lately like there is a big ball stuck in my chest.
From the minute he picked me up from hospital I felt I'd rather stay on the ward than be at home with the stress.

OP posts:
Original poster
KET84 · 21/05/2021 16:06

Thank you for all your kind words
I'm busy doing nothing, so I've got lots of time to think it all through.

OP posts:
Egghead81 · 21/05/2021 16:09

@KET84

Thank you for all your kind words I'm busy doing nothing, so I've got lots of time to think it all through.
Why are you doing nothing?

Work? Children? Friends? Admin? Housework? Exercise? Walk? Wander around town? Read?

You’re not going to have strength to deal with this properly if you’re bored and too much time in your hands

Original poster
KET84 · 21/05/2021 16:20

I'm just recovering from abdominal surgery at the moment so can barely walk.
I'm watching films with my daughter, reading books and friends have kept in touch via video call.

Still alot of spare time though, I'm not used to it.

OP posts:
Egghead81 · 21/05/2021 16:24

He’s not misled you
He’s always been like this
He will not change. Ever. Never.

So ball in your court.

I’d leave. No hesitation.

KOKOagainandagain · 21/05/2021 16:45

It is perfectly normal to expect reciprocal care and support from those we share our lives with, even if they are male.

You are not doing nothing. You are restricting activity whilst recovering.

You are not nit-picking because bored you are assessing what support you received whilst ill and vulnerable. Questioning how important your physical health and well being are to your husband. How much you can trust him. Whether support is equal.

Being temporarily vulnerable and abandoned will make you question what would happen if you were dependent and needed care long term. You will be vulnerable. It is part of being human. You will be bereaved, you will be menopausal and you will age, you may suffer ill health and disability. Your husband doesn't have to deliver support himself but he does need to recognise the validity of your needs. Does he?

Sillawithans · 21/05/2021 16:48

Hope you're on the mend op Flowers

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 21/05/2021 16:49

My ex husband did this too OP, just seemed really inconvenienced when I was ill.
He ended up leaving me for good whilst I was in hospital seriously ill with no way to get home when I was better.
Good riddance, my life is much better without him now.

EKGEMS · 21/05/2021 16:53

The anesthetic isn't the reason you feel this way you're just looking at the asshole you are with. No one would be treating me that way if I had major surgery-if anything my husband wants to do too much when I'm ill!

Georgina125 · 21/05/2021 17:31

This reminds me a little of my FIL, who completely detaches when anything potentially serious occurs. My husband and I went through a life changing tragedy a few years ago and FIL refused to acknowledge anything was happening. He made himself busy fixing his car, watching his shows and determinedly not talking about what was happening. At the time,I was beyond numb and didn't really recognise how terribly he was behaving. As the months went on though,I began to see how badly he'd let down my husband and now I realise its a pattern of selfish behaviour that has always been there. If he doesn't want to deal with something,he behaves as if it isn't happening. I have very little respect for him and wish my MIL the best of luck dealing with that.

Original poster
KET84 · 21/05/2021 18:37

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My ex husband did this too OP, just seemed really inconvenienced when I was ill. He ended up leaving me for good whilst I was in hospital seriously ill with no way to get home when I was better. Good riddance, my life is much better without him now.
What a shitty thing to do!

I'm so glad you're in a better place now.

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 21/05/2021 18:41

How does he expect you to react when he's ill?

Sally2791 · 21/05/2021 19:00

Hopefully you are feeling better soon OP.
My ex was like this, me being incapacitated (which happened very infrequently but was serious) he just couldn’t handle it. I’m sure it came from his bonkers childhood, but he was never interested/prepared to look into it and sort it out. Much better to be alone than with someone like this.

EmeraldShamrock · 21/05/2021 19:43

I hope you're back on your feet soon. Flowers
It is a coping method, talk to him.
My Dbro was the same when his DW was very ill.
I think it is panic with him.
I have traits of it too, I lack sympathy for people I Iove if they're sick I'm not sure why?
An operation is different.

Original poster
KET84 · 22/05/2021 08:47

@EmeraldShamrock

I hope you're back on your feet soon. Flowers It is a coping method, talk to him. My Dbro was the same when his DW was very ill. I think it is panic with him. I have traits of it too, I lack sympathy for people I Iove if they're sick I'm not sure why? An operation is different.
The problem being I have spoken to him about it many times. I've explained how he shuts me out and how it makes me feel but he doesn't see that he's doing anything.

He refuses to speak about it then a few days later will just try to cuddle me like nothing ever happened. I've said this time I'm not willing to continue unless we discuss it properly and he said "there's nothing to talk about" and walked out.

OP posts:
Original poster
KET84 · 22/05/2021 09:04

@Sally2791

Hopefully you are feeling better soon OP. My ex was like this, me being incapacitated (which happened very infrequently but was serious) he just couldn’t handle it. I’m sure it came from his bonkers childhood, but he was never interested/prepared to look into it and sort it out. Much better to be alone than with someone like this.
Starting to feel alot better, thank you.

His mother is similar too she would do anything for anyone but shows no love at all, I've never seen her cuddle the grandchildren but she showers them with gifts.

I feel lonelier when I'm around him lately as you said it's much better to actually be alone.

OP posts:
Backtoreality1 · 22/05/2021 09:07

@CursedEngagement

My dad does this. It's how he deals with stress, fear or worry - he just detaches from it. I'd guess that he's worried about you. He golfs because it's a distraction, sitting at home he'd go crazy with worry. He remains slightly distant because he's feeling emotionally charged and doesn't want to engage with that. So, he's just being practical.
I completely agree....its a family trait in the men in my family too. Avoidance and detachment means they can deal with what has to be done....if they start to engage with the situation, then it could all go horribly wrong. He is caring for you in the best way he knows - practically.
PrawnofthePatriarchy · 22/05/2021 09:18

I clicked on the title thinking I knew about the subject but my own experience is far less distressing.

DH used to be grumpy if I was ill - nothing major, not like you. After some years I realised that he was scared. To his mind I was the centre of the family and if I were out of action the whole thing might come unglued. So I pointed this out and ripped the piss out of him. We ended up laughing, he acknowledged the truth of my criticism, and he stopped doing it. Permanently. Maybe this could work for you?

LadyCatStark · 22/05/2021 09:18

DH is like this. Luckily I’ve not had any serious illnesses but I remember when Covid first hit I was worried about catching it and still being expected to carry on as normal.

A typical illness goes like this:
I get ill (I work with children so pick up more germs!).
DH ignores my illness and gets annoyed if I can’t do everything I normally do.
DH catches illness.l a few days after me.
DH takes to his bed for the full day.
DH moans that I have no sympathy for him.
I tell DH that I have as much sympathy for him as he had for me when I was ill.
DH says, “When were you ill?”

🤬 ffs.

Hope you’re OK though OP.