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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I help my son with this silly purchase? Or chalk it up to experience?

114 replies

StopSayingDueDiligence · 20/05/2021 15:59

My sons 10th birthday, he got some money.

He went out to play with friends and came home wearing a black-ish cheap tacky chain.
I asked him where he got it and it was his friend/bully kid that lives near here, also 10.

He charged him £16 for it.
It is worth about £4-5 brand new. It's no type of metal. I know because DS was pointing out which one he wanted on Amazon.

It certainly isn't worth £16.

We called the kid, I spoke to him on Ds's phone explained that DS had made a mistake and could he swap back? This was about 20 minutes after the purchase happened.

He agreed to bring it to school the next day.

He hasn't and now making excuses and refusing to give the money back.

Ordinarily I would pop by and see the mum.
Except the mum and Nan are not nice people and I've had to block them on all social media. They are basically adult bullies and deeply unpleasant.

Should I chalk it up to experience (my eldest made a similar mistake at the same age) or be a wuss and send DH round?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 20/05/2021 18:39

If your DS was happy with his purchase, you should leave him to it. Did he go along with contacting the friend when you seemed disappointed in his purchase? He's 10, bought something with his own birthday money and now his DM's stepping in to talk to the friend, mortifying.

Frazzled2207 · 20/05/2021 18:40

I'd chalk it up to experience - is a valuable lesson. I wouldn't want to go round to see potentially aggressive parents or send my dh either. I don't think you did anything wrong by speaking to him on the phone.

I feel a bit sorry for your DS though, I know it's his birthday but if he was just going to see a friend why would he have his birthday money on him? At 10 I wouldn't expect them to have more than ice cream money on them, as they can't really be trusted with larger sums.

Frazzled2207 · 20/05/2021 18:42

@cansu

You really should be having words with your ds about 'buying' things from friends. His birthday money should be kept at home and you take him out to let him spend it or let him use it to buy something online. I would not be getting involved with this other child and their family.
and yes this. Buying stuff off friends really is not to be encouraged. I think at that age they still need quite a lot of guidance about what to (not) spend their money on and how.
Hellocatshome · 20/05/2021 18:46

Its a life lesson. This is why I've never understood people getting so uptight abiut kids wasting their birthday/Christmas money. Spending money on something and then later regretting it is learning experience better they do it with small amounts when they are young than large amounts when they are older. My 13 year old spent £50 on a Stone Island jumper I told him it would be fake he wouldn't have it and bought it anyway and guess what it was fake. Now he has learnt if it sounds too good to be true it probably is.

gottakeeponmovin · 20/05/2021 18:50

If he has £16 quid on him to just go out and play with other kids I would say there is your issue. He doesn't understand the value of money. He was told a price and he bought it. If the parents were reasonable I would have a word but in this case I wouldn't. You do need to deal with your son spending money without checking with you though - at 10 they don't have the capacity to judge

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/05/2021 18:52

I’d def. send my dh round. The kid has conned your son - a mere 10 year old - out of his money. It’s as good as stealing and I’d be damned if I’d let them get away with it.

We once had something similar - neighbour’s son bought an aquarium and all the bits for £60 from a dd (far less than they would have cost new) and then refused to pay. His DM actually told dd it was her own fault for not getting the money before she let him have it! How dodgy can you get?

Dh went round and had Words, and they eventually very grumpily paid up. (this is a large house where there are invariably at least 2 Mercs on the drive!)

Viviennemary · 20/05/2021 18:52

I woukd complain to the school if they are at the same school. Its bullying.

MaeveDidIt · 20/05/2021 18:58

It's tough and if you think you'll get his money back for him you are deluded.
What are you going to do if they tell your DH to p...off?
The school won't get involved if it happened outside the school.
The best thing poor your DS can do about it is learn a very hard lesson.
You can't be there to step in all the time - as hard as that is.

MMMarmite · 20/05/2021 18:58

I don't think you should get involved, other than to comfort your son. There will be people out to rip him off throughout life, it's a learning experience. Maybe help him think of strategies to firmly say no in future.

Motnight · 20/05/2021 19:01

I really wouldn't send DH round, things could really get unpleasant from what you have said about the family.

Chalk it up as a lesson learned. It's galling not to be able to challenge bad behaviour, but sometimes it just isn't worth it

MMMarmite · 20/05/2021 19:02

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

I’d def. send my dh round. The kid has conned your son - a mere 10 year old - out of his money. It’s as good as stealing and I’d be damned if I’d let them get away with it.

We once had something similar - neighbour’s son bought an aquarium and all the bits for £60 from a dd (far less than they would have cost new) and then refused to pay. His DM actually told dd it was her own fault for not getting the money before she let him have it! How dodgy can you get?

Dh went round and had Words, and they eventually very grumpily paid up. (this is a large house where there are invariably at least 2 Mercs on the drive!)

That's different though. Your neighbor went back on a prior agreement. DD did nothing wrong.

In this situation, the son agreed to something silly - he needs to learn not to.

Branleuse · 20/05/2021 19:04

i wouldnt get involved. Chalk it up to experience. Its not worth the drama, or causing feuds but you need to talk to your kid about not wasting money.
Honestly there are worse things he could waste his money on, and if he enjoys it and likes it, its not a big deal.
If it breaks, you tell him thats why you should have checked with me first

mam0918 · 20/05/2021 19:10

You send your 10 year old out alone with fairly decent amont of money?

That seems to be the issue and being one you have encountered before should have let you know that.

Unless the ice cream van had just come and I ran home to ask for money I never had cash on me at that age, neither does my DS.

From 12+ when I was allowed to go to the local shops I had a small amount (enough to buy snacks, drinks or a magazine) it wasnt until 14-15 that I started going out with any amount of my own saved up money to spend with other kids.

I dont know anyone that lets their 10 year old go out to play with £20 burning a hole in their pocket purely because 10 year old have no real concept of money/value and it makes them an easy target.

mam0918 · 20/05/2021 19:12

@mam0918

You send your 10 year old out alone with fairly decent amont of money?

That seems to be the issue and being one you have encountered before should have let you know that.

Unless the ice cream van had just come and I ran home to ask for money I never had cash on me at that age, neither does my DS.

From 12+ when I was allowed to go to the local shops I had a small amount (enough to buy snacks, drinks or a magazine) it wasnt until 14-15 that I started going out with any amount of my own saved up money to spend with other kids.

I dont know anyone that lets their 10 year old go out to play with £20 burning a hole in their pocket purely because 10 year old have no real concept of money/value and it makes them an easy target.

Also should add at 14-15 I didnt just carry cash (except change for the bus) we all had bank cards so no risk of randomly losing money.
Original poster
StopSayingDueDiligence · 20/05/2021 19:14

The kid just turned up and gave the money back, I'm really surprised and pleased!

It was £2 short but I think that's more than forgivable.

Good ending!

OP posts:
Original poster
StopSayingDueDiligence · 20/05/2021 19:15

You send your 10 year old out alone with fairly decent amont of money?

RTFT

OP posts:
Original poster
StopSayingDueDiligence · 20/05/2021 19:17

@HyggeTygge

"black-ish"? What's it made of?
Steel
OP posts:
Happymum12345 · 20/05/2021 19:20

What a horrible feeling for you and your ds. I would try to chalk it up to experience.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 20/05/2021 19:21

@StopSayingDueDiligence

The kid just turned up and gave the money back, I'm really surprised and pleased!

It was £2 short but I think that's more than forgivable.

Good ending!

Well one of them is half sensible.

Out of curiosity,if DS had got the chain free or for 50p would you have insisted he gives the other kid the difference in price?

cupsofcoffee · 20/05/2021 19:23

@StopSayingDueDiligence

He shouldn't have free access to that kind of money to begin with.

Ah yes, those bastard family members sending him money in his birthday cards. Grin

Just because they send him money, doesn't mean he should have free access to it Confused

I got birthday money at that age as well. My parents kept hold of it and I spent it while under their supervision, or they'd give me very limited amounts to go out with a friend to the shops.

I never just had free access to be able to take and spend £20 without them knowing!

AmberIsACertainty · 20/05/2021 19:25

@StopSayingDueDiligence

Why do you call exchanging money for goods a "swap"?

Ah no you're correct. I should have said "can you refund him." That would have been more correct and acceptable.

They aren't a shop and I was talking age appropriately to a child.

Sarky aren't you just because people have mostly said YABU.

No I wasn't suggesting you asked for a refund I was saying that would have been unreasonable because he's not a shop. Using the term "swap back" doesn't make what you wanted any more reasonable.

The issue of your son staying away from this boy and not treating him like a friend because he's a bully not a friend isn't "victim blaming" it's a separate issue to the unwise purchase and a sensible course of action.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/05/2021 19:26

@MMMarmite, the OP’s son is 10! How is he supposed to know the proper value of something?

If he was 16 you might have a point.

I8toys · 20/05/2021 19:28

Experience. We all have these learning curves.

flashylamp · 20/05/2021 19:29

@StopSayingDueDiligence

The kid just turned up and gave the money back, I'm really surprised and pleased!

It was £2 short but I think that's more than forgivable.

Good ending!

Did your DS give back the chain?

Newschapter · 20/05/2021 19:33

This reminds me of my (very naive and genuine) ds.

He wanted a gold chain (must be popular) and saw some on ebay for a tenner.

His mate was in tenerife at the time and told him he'd barter at the market and get him a good deal!

Mate came home, handed ds the chain, said it was a fiver but he'd charge him £8 cos he had worked hard on the market guy to barter him down...

Ds handed him a ten pound note and said to keep it as it was such a good deal, he didn't have to pay postage from Tenerife... and I said not one thing, sometimes its good to let them learn their own lessons and ds was happy to pay a tenner for the item! (Which he wore for photos and I haven't seen since!)