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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not really Aibu but a Wwyd

109 replies

hoolahoola22 · 20/05/2021 13:03

Dd goes to pre school, theres a dad that is friendly and chats to everyone, we say hello and as our dcs are friendly he asked a few weeks ago if we wanted to go on an outing at a weekend, i said i work every other weekend but he kept pushing for different days, the kids were both there and he was asking them and making it seem fun to them, and made me feel put on the spot so i said id let him know, few days later i saw him and told him i was busy and couldnt do a trip,i got called over by a nursery teacher so that cut the conversation short but he stood there waiting while i was talking to the teacher, he makes me feel really uncomfortable, hes always hovering about,i saw him drive past me and dd on the school run then must have gone around the block as he then drove past us again just in time to park up at the bottom of the road me and dd were on and then he walked to nursery with us and his dd from there even though i was on the phone, he does things like this all the time and its making me feel uncomfortable, what would you do

OP posts:
CaraherEIL · 23/05/2021 12:09

I think I might call the police explain his persistence at the pre school and then explain you have now seen his car at your workplace. I think that is unnerving enough. They will say they can’t do anything until he does something but just say you want it logged. They should give you a reference number- give them the reg of his car.
I would go from irritated with the school thing to feelIng quite concerned and stressed with him hanging around outside your workplace especially at night. I would tell your work colleagues so they are aware.

Original poster
hoolahoola22 · 23/05/2021 12:25

I wasnt on my own at work, we have cctv but noone about at the weekend to ask so will ask in the week, he didnt do anything to my car as i walk to work,im pretty sure it was his car and him driving it, im working again this eve so will keep an eye out, and on Monday dh is coming with me to do school run

OP posts:
Voomster953 · 23/05/2021 12:27

Sounds like Kevin and Amanda.

Voomster953 · 23/05/2021 12:28

Oh. Scrap my lightheaded comment. I didn’t see you update.

Original poster
hoolahoola22 · 23/05/2021 12:29

Im a bit scared now, what do you mean the police wont do anything until he does something? Hope hes not going to do anything, i really hope its just a coincidence and he was just turning around in the car park,he cant get in my work you buzz to get in and they are stricter at the moment anyway cos of covid

OP posts:
TurquoiseDragon · 23/05/2021 12:40

@hoolahoola22

My dh reckons i should say something to the mother (she drops somedays and they arent together)
Dont bother. If they're not together, it's not her responsibility.
TurquoiseDragon · 23/05/2021 12:49

OK, saw your updates, and this is escalating now.

Keep a log of every time he's doing anything, the driving round twice, the creepy stuff he's saying, etc, and including this latest development.

You can call 101 for advice, the police may not yet be able to do anything, but the call will at least put it on record. But get that diary going, especially if you see him again tonight.

CaraherEIL · 23/05/2021 13:56

Sorry OP what I mean is there would have to be an incident that they could log to warn him/ speak to him.What you have currently is too vague and involves more of a weird vibe and and slightly odd behaviour,, rather than something the police could action.
I think if you can be totally certain he is coming to wait outside your workplace more than the one time then he is moving into stalker territory. But I think logging it with the police will help to start a timeline if his behaviour does escalate.

CaraherEIL · 23/05/2021 14:00

I said what I said really not to scare you more to empower you. If he is just a weird dad at preschool then it’s one thing and it might like you say just be that he was turning around outside your work but if you keep noticing his car there I would speak to the police. I wouldn’t speak to his family members.

Cherrysoup · 23/05/2021 14:08

When he approaches you to talk, I think you need to woman up and tell him he’s making you uncomfortable, you notice he is never around when you’re with your dh and you do not want to speak to him. Be firm, he’s becoming a pita and harassing you.

BlankTimes · 23/05/2021 14:15

If it was definitely him at your workplace, he's taken it to another level.
Do have a read about this type of behavior and take this Trust's advice.
www.suzylamplugh.org/what-is-stalking

Whanganui · 23/05/2021 14:27

He's stalking you OP. I had a stalker many years ago, everywhere I went the creepy little bastard was there & it was just too much of a coincidence to be a chance meeting. A solicitor asked if I knew of any big blokes who could have a talk with him, as it would be easier & a lot cheaper for me. I knew a few who would, but felt that I needed to address this myself. The same solicitor asked me to write down everything that had happened, I did 12 A4 pages. It went to court & I got an injunction against him. Don't talk to him, look at him, or acknowledge him in any way. Perhaps your husband could just tell him to leave you alone.

Ponoka7 · 23/05/2021 14:29

He thinks there's a shag on the cards and you aren't telling him different. Stop being polite. Why your DH told you to involve his ex and not have a word himself, is anyone's guess, but it's a bit strange. But it should be you who is telling him to back off.

billy1966 · 23/05/2021 14:38

If you could photograph his car at your work place with the reg, at least that would be something for the police.

I think a simple "Leave me alone" the next time he approaches you should be enough.

Should he still approach you, then contact the police for advice.

Any decent person being asked by someone to leave them alone would back away, sharpish.

Loyaultemelie · 23/05/2021 14:49

This is a serious escalation op make sure your workplace CCTV is checked to see if he has been there on previous occasions too

pheonixrebirth · 23/05/2021 17:57

This man is banking on you being a polite, kind person because we are conditioned to be nice and polite, even to a creep who clearly makes you uncomfortable.

As soon as you started changing your route to avoid him it was a problem. Think about it - you are actively thinking ahead to try to avoid him. He is already affecting you. You need to get angry that this creep has actually gotten in your head to this degree. What he is doing isn't normal and your gut is trying to tell you that.
Be loud and rude and clear. He is one who should be embarrassed not you.

Abricot1993 · 23/05/2021 22:41

Read up on assertiveness training. (I know in an ideal world we should not be the ones to have to change but I think this will be helpful for you anyway). I made a "mistake" one time. I used to book a taxi to get to my dad`s house from Manchester airport and back. One time booking this private hire taxi driver idiot who we knew as he had previously taken my dad to the airport and I had booked him previously. I accidentally put a x after the regards Abricot. Subsequent communication I made sure there was no x.. But the idiot leapt on that and I had to be really shitty to shake him off. He even phoned me all on the strength of one accidental x as that is how I had got used to signing off most posts with friends. It is not your fault. These people misread social clues. Be firm and keep a diary but give no interest. Remember the opposite of love is not hate but disinterest, so make sure you show no interest rather than anxiety or hate.

Original poster
hoolahoola22 · 24/05/2021 09:31

Another update, Im so cross,dh did the school run this morning, went on my normal route, dh saw creeps car parked at the bottom of the road but he didnt get out and walk with dh, dh gets to the pre school a little early, the creepy man turns up with his dd and my dd and his dd start running about together playing, dh says that creepy guy came over to him ( he said he gets too close) and starts telling him his life story says he only lives at and tells dh the name of the road then asks dh where we live, (dh didnt tell him) says his dd started 2 weeks before lockdown and hes never seen her play with anyone so its so nice to see her play with my dd, he said she always talks about my dd, he said he would be happy to arrange a playdate, so basically as the bloke was being friendly and acting with him how he acts with me dh hasnt said anything to him, im so cross, i now think creepy man has realised im uncomfortable and has seen that i have a dh and has gone over to him and started acting the same way with dh that he does with me so its just looks like hes being friendly, so now im dreading the school run even more because hes going to think dh knows hes just being friendly now so hes doing nothing wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
hoolahoola22 · 24/05/2021 09:35

Or am i being an idiot and hes actually just being friendly as dh did say he gets a bit close so maybe he is just clumsy and socially inept like previous people have said, i really feel like hes trying to manipulate my dh into thinking hes just friendly, he totally creeps me out

OP posts:
Justilou1 · 24/05/2021 12:06

Nope... listen to your intuition. It’s there for a reason. Whether or not he means anything by it, this man is not registering normal social cues, and if he is, he doesn’t care that you are uncomfortable. This is a him thing, not a you thing.

bloodyhell19 · 24/05/2021 12:41

Sorry OP but I don't think you should feel bad because he's making you uncomfortable. Regardless whether he's doing it purposefully or not. And covid is a good enough reason to just say "Can you keep your distance please" and repeat ad nauseum. Something about this guy has raised your red flags so that would be enough for me to just not deal with him or entertain any conversation starters.

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 24/05/2021 13:01

There’s a dad at my kids school who is a bit socially inept , always stands too close to people etc but he’s never driven around or waited around for a specific parent etc, that’s not normal behaviour. He’s creeping you out for a reason, trust your gut. I don’t know what the solution is apart from ignoring though.

Cocolapew · 24/05/2021 13:25

You need to be rude, I know it's hard for some people not me but either totally blank him or tell him to go away.
I had a similar problem, one day he was hanging about waiting for me and I strode past him. He caught up and I said you need to leave me alone. He did the oh I'm only being friendly stick so at this point I was past caring and told him to fuck off. He moved on to someone else.
People like this have a very thick skin, being rude is usually the only way to get through to them.

longtompot · 24/05/2021 16:10

@hoolahoola22

Or am i being an idiot and hes actually just being friendly as dh did say he gets a bit close so maybe he is just clumsy and socially inept like previous people have said, i really feel like hes trying to manipulate my dh into thinking hes just friendly, he totally creeps me out
No you are not being an idiot. Do you think he would go to your dhs place of work? Would he drive around the block so he could walk into nursery with your dh? He was trying to get out of your dh what road you live on so he could drive there and see where you live.
Bibidy · 24/05/2021 16:33

@hoolahoola22

Another update, Im so cross,dh did the school run this morning, went on my normal route, dh saw creeps car parked at the bottom of the road but he didnt get out and walk with dh, dh gets to the pre school a little early, the creepy man turns up with his dd and my dd and his dd start running about together playing, dh says that creepy guy came over to him ( he said he gets too close) and starts telling him his life story says he only lives at and tells dh the name of the road then asks dh where we live, (dh didnt tell him) says his dd started 2 weeks before lockdown and hes never seen her play with anyone so its so nice to see her play with my dd, he said she always talks about my dd, he said he would be happy to arrange a playdate, so basically as the bloke was being friendly and acting with him how he acts with me dh hasnt said anything to him, im so cross, i now think creepy man has realised im uncomfortable and has seen that i have a dh and has gone over to him and started acting the same way with dh that he does with me so its just looks like hes being friendly, so now im dreading the school run even more because hes going to think dh knows hes just being friendly now so hes doing nothing wrong
I think it's good that he's spoken to your DH, maybe he didn't realise you were still together and is now trying to backtrack.

I do think following the development of showing up in your work car park that you probably need to get firmer if he does continue being creepy. I know how it feels to not want to be rude or upset anyone but this man needs to be put in his place and told to back off.

I would definitely start trying to cut conversation short with him at the very least. If he approaches just say a quick hi and then maybe start chatting to your child about something or other?? Don't give him the chance to talk to you.

To be quite honest though at this point I would be happy for my DP to have a word. Doesn't have to be aggressive.