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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not really Aibu but a Wwyd

109 replies

hoolahoola22 · 20/05/2021 13:03

Dd goes to pre school, theres a dad that is friendly and chats to everyone, we say hello and as our dcs are friendly he asked a few weeks ago if we wanted to go on an outing at a weekend, i said i work every other weekend but he kept pushing for different days, the kids were both there and he was asking them and making it seem fun to them, and made me feel put on the spot so i said id let him know, few days later i saw him and told him i was busy and couldnt do a trip,i got called over by a nursery teacher so that cut the conversation short but he stood there waiting while i was talking to the teacher, he makes me feel really uncomfortable, hes always hovering about,i saw him drive past me and dd on the school run then must have gone around the block as he then drove past us again just in time to park up at the bottom of the road me and dd were on and then he walked to nursery with us and his dd from there even though i was on the phone, he does things like this all the time and its making me feel uncomfortable, what would you do

OP posts:

Original poster

hoolahoola22 · 21/05/2021 11:04

His dd stays all day but i pick mine up at lunchtime, 1 day a week we all have to pick up at lunchtime and i have been going early as to avoid him

OP posts:

Original poster

hoolahoola22 · 21/05/2021 11:08

My dh reckons i should say something to the mother (she drops somedays and they arent together)

OP posts:

billy1966 · 21/05/2021 11:10

The standing by you while you tried to have a conversation with the teacher tells me he is either ignorant, dim, or doesn't get social cues.

You should have stopped, turned to him and said "May i have some space and privacy to speak to the teacher". 🤨

I would be irritated at having to say that.
But that's me...a bit cranky.

CeibaTree · 21/05/2021 11:11

@hoolahoola22

My dh reckons i should say something to the mother (she drops somedays and they arent together)

Don't make it her problem but (if you want to) arrange a play date with her so you can tell the dad that you've already got one arranged for the children. Then if he keeps bothering you you'll know his intentions are not above board!

Mumoftwoinprimary · 21/05/2021 11:16

I think if he was a woman then he would seem “annoying and needy” rather than creepy. But he does sound very creepy.

I don’t think that there is any point in talking to the mum if they are not together.

I’d just keep pointing him towards a nice “dad’s day out” with your husband. It may be that he is just a bit socially inept and trying to make friends (it is hard for single dads - I have a friend who had 50/50 shared care from when his daughter was 18 months and the world is not designed for it). But that doesn’t mean you have to make friends with him.

Original poster

hoolahoola22 · 21/05/2021 11:19

He has a way about him that i just couldnt say excuse me im trying to talk to the teacher do you mind, i wasnt keen on talking to the mum as like you say its not her problem, just dread doing the school run now, im dreading sports day if they do one this year as i will go alone as dh has no more holiday this year

OP posts:

Original poster

hoolahoola22 · 21/05/2021 11:23

I did feel sorry for him being a single dad i know it must be hard but its no excuse for making me feel really uncomfortable, like i said at the start one time he walked with us even though i was on the phone which made me feel really awkward having him listen to my conversation, i did gesture to my phone and say im on the phone but he didnt listen

OP posts:

CaraherEIL · 21/05/2021 11:32

I think you have to say something to him. I think you have to be direct.
The next time he approaches you to say anything just say
‘Please leave me alone you are making me uncomfortable’
If he starts blustering and says anything in response just repeat the same thing again.
If you are really nervous practice exactly what you are going to say at home loads so even if you feel a nervous wreck when you see him you will still be able to get it out. It doesn’t matter what way he has about him if you are totally direct there is no room for misunderstanding. Do you think he does this behaviour with any of the other mums he finds attractive it’s unlikely you are the only woman he does it to. Is he popular with the other mums or so you think his behaviour is likely to have been noticed by anyone else?

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 21/05/2021 11:43

Your DH reckons you should say something to the mother? Poor woman, it's not her fault! How about your DH saying something to the dad?

CoolCatTaco · 21/05/2021 11:44

I would hate that too OP and would honestly find it really difficult to be blunt or rude. My DH is more confrontational than me and wouldn't be fazed telling him to fuck off though, so I'd send him over!!
I do think this guy is a creep though and sneaky...it's enough to make you uncomfortable but mild enough to be easily dismissed.
Could you go a bit earlier than usual and make a call if he ambushes you, then say something like sorry this is a private call, do you mind? That way you could insist he walks on without being obviously rude?

Original poster

hoolahoola22 · 21/05/2021 11:44

What if i say that and then he makes a scene and makes me look stupid? I do really want to say that though!! Yeah he is quite a friendly bloke so previously before he started making me feel uncomfortable when i would get to nursery after him he would always be chatting to someone, i wouldn't say hes popular with the other mums, they always look a bit awkward like they are thinking please dont talk to me,

OP posts:

Original poster

hoolahoola22 · 21/05/2021 11:46

But what could my dh say he hasnt actually done anything wrong as such has he

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 21/05/2021 11:46

Done nan is potentially harassing you (the turning up where you’re walking) and your husband’s answer is that you talk to his ex wife?

That’s helpful 🤷🏻‍♀️

Next time you see he’s waited for you, or driven back round to find you 😠 would you feel able to say, “oh please don’t wait for us / drive round looking for us - I like the walk in just the two of us.”

Then you’ve called him out on what he’s doing, and told him you want to be alone, without having to say that he makes you uncomfortable. Not that the latter would be a bad thing to say! But I understand that it’s hard to say.

Cocomarine · 21/05/2021 11:48

@hoolahoola22

But what could my dh say he hasnt actually done anything wrong as such has he

It’s not a court of law.

Your husband can say, “wife tells me you’re often hanging around waiting for her, or driving round twice to meet. She doesn’t like it. I don’t like it. Please stop.”

This guy can bluster, deny, get defensive all her likes... no judge is going to say your husband can’t say that.

Honesty, I hate the idea of going The Big Man, but - if it works, it works.

MizMoonshine · 21/05/2021 11:50

"Hi @hoolahoola22"

"Hi Creepyschooldad"

"Something creepy"

"I'm sorry, I'd prefer it if you didn't continue acting the way you are. You're making me feel uncomfortable. You don't speak to my DP this way and I'd like it if you'd stop. Thanks."

BlankTimes · 21/05/2021 11:51

Could you have another Mum and child with you for a few weeks until he gets the hint?

Are there any other mums who could call for you and you could walk in together?

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 11:52

I agree with you OP, he sounds a bit creepy and it sounds very much like he's following you/engineering situations to make sure he 'bumps into' you.

I'm not sure what to suggest as I know how uncomfortable I'd feel in this situation. I would probably try to stop being friendly with him and just give him short answers when he tries to chat, and hope he'd back off from that.

If not, I guess the only thing left is to be blunt and ask him if he's following you? That should at least make him incredible uncomfortable and stop him trying to engage with you, even if he genuinely isn't following you.

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 11:56

Just to add, I definitely don't think you should say anything to his ex.

As you said, it's not her problem for one. But also you don't know if their relationship is amicable, and if he did turn out to be a genuine bloke who's trying in a clumsy way to make some school run friends - although tbh I think he sounds like a creep myself - then his ex could be the kind of person who might use that against him regarding access to his daughter etc.

I'd definitely leave the ex out of it.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/05/2021 11:58

@hoolahoola22

But what could my dh say he hasnt actually done anything wrong as such has he

Yes he has! AT the very least he has eavesdropped on your conversations, made you feel uncomfotable and persisted even when you have looked and acted uncomfortable with his actions.

You don't have to put up with that just because you think he might be socially inept.

You can say quietly and firmly "You are making me feel very uncomfortable. Step back, I don't want to talk with you" and walk away!

And yes, maybe ask one of the other mums if she will walk with you for a while. You already suspect others feel the same as you do!

IARTNS · 21/05/2021 12:00

Some people are really shit at getting vibes from people.

"Hi Dave, I'm sure you don't mean to but you're making me quite uncomfortable..."

If it was unintentional, he might realise he has to approach people in a different way. If he is just a creepy twunt, then hopefully he'll get the message and back off.

Happycat1212 · 21/05/2021 12:09

Sounds like he may think you are separated, even if he sees your partner do the school run doesn’t mean you’re together, just say no but my partner can do it problem solved

Still1nLove · 21/05/2021 12:15

I would speak to your child’s teacher. Say xdad is making me uncomfortable, ask if you could drop/collect your child 10 minutes earlier/later.
If you don’t feel confident in calling him out directly, try being on the phone every time you see him. If he stays with you while you are on the phone, tell him to go on ahead without you or tell him you are going to Ross the road as it is an important private call.

You don’t owe him anything but I understand that it is difficult. Try these tactics and if it continues then you know, for sure, without a doubt, that you are not overreacting.

Mumtoabeast · 21/05/2021 13:27

Had similar happen to me!
A dad at the school does every afternoon pick up, started waiting for me, would park near where I walk & get out as I approached. I started leaving a bit later & getting to the school just in time as opposed to early to avoid him but as soon as he clocked me, he was over like a shot.
He'd hang around waiting for us if I was talking to another parent, the kids would run off together & I'd be left talking to him. He'd make really inane conversation pointing out the obvious ie, 'oh you're in a summer dress today' erm yep it's the hottest day of the year ..
Sports day, he walked up behind me & whispered over my shoulder 'Are you having a nice time? ' scared the life out of me & I was really pissed off he'd got so close, bloody creep.
I found myself absolutely dreading the school pick up as I knew he'd collar me when I like walking back with dd & hearing about her day, I now avoid him at all costs & if the girls walk out of class together, I march on ahead, leaving him behind. I've actually been quite rude to him/ ignored him but he doesn't get the hint at all.

Bibidy · 21/05/2021 13:39

I really hate that men so often get away with making women feel this way. I'm sure he already knows he's crossing a line, he must do if he's even still insisting on walking with OP when she's clearly on the phone to somebody else.

So many of us get stuck in this position with weird, creepy men, on the school run, at work, in bars. JUST GO AWAY.

OldEvilOwl · 21/05/2021 13:54

I would walk the way where he has to drive past you and wait, then when you see him wait, turn around and walk the other way instead. If he says anything you can ask why he is following you

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