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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not really Aibu but a Wwyd

109 replies

hoolahoola22 · 20/05/2021 13:03

Dd goes to pre school, theres a dad that is friendly and chats to everyone, we say hello and as our dcs are friendly he asked a few weeks ago if we wanted to go on an outing at a weekend, i said i work every other weekend but he kept pushing for different days, the kids were both there and he was asking them and making it seem fun to them, and made me feel put on the spot so i said id let him know, few days later i saw him and told him i was busy and couldnt do a trip,i got called over by a nursery teacher so that cut the conversation short but he stood there waiting while i was talking to the teacher, he makes me feel really uncomfortable, hes always hovering about,i saw him drive past me and dd on the school run then must have gone around the block as he then drove past us again just in time to park up at the bottom of the road me and dd were on and then he walked to nursery with us and his dd from there even though i was on the phone, he does things like this all the time and its making me feel uncomfortable, what would you do

OP posts:
CaraherEIL · 21/05/2021 14:29

OP,
What scene can he really make?
If he says sorry what do you mean?
Say you are making me uncomfortable
I don’t want to discuss it further.
If he says can’t we talk about it
Repeat please leave me alone.
I think if the other women get the same weird vibe from him then if people overhear they will be silently applauding you.
If he is circling the road more than once particularly seeking you out then he is doing something wrong and also grim weirdly kerb crawler.

Notaroadrunner · 21/05/2021 16:13

@hoolahoola22

Literally never see him when im with dh, but dh has seen him when dh has gone alone
I'd hazard a guess that he's watching out for you and won't approach when he sees dh is with you. He does sound creepy. Great idea above to try and arrange to walk with another mum, and ignore him if he's hovering.
Justilou1 · 21/05/2021 18:20

I think he sounds very stalkery, tbh. He obviously knows your pattern, doesn’t care that you’re intimidated or gets off on it AND pisses off completely when your DH is around. I think maybe you need to say something in front of witnesses.

Original poster
hoolahoola22 · 22/05/2021 10:49

Thank you for all your replies, i am such a wimp!! Im annoyed with myself for going out of my way to go a different way to avoid him, and for not saying anything, but i just feel bad and dont want to seem rude, its my own fault for not just saying no in the first place but he put me on the spot and I couldn't think of an excuse, my dh has said he will tell him to fuck off but its me thats said no dont say that cos im the one who does drop off mostly so im going to have to deal with what happens next, i feel embarrassed as if he is just being friendly or socially clumsy then im going to look silly for misunderstanding, and i did talk to him to start with so he may have thought well shes being friendly and chatting to me, i wouldnt be able to say any of the things you have suggested i would feel so rude, even though hes making me feel uncomfortable, i cant get there early as the pre school doesnt open until 9am so getting there early would mean standing about with him even longer! This sounds a bit judgemental but hes not a young dim chavvy kid, hes at least 10 years older than me and im in my late 30s, he wears a suit and is posh, if i was rude to him i would feel like im being rude to my dad does that make sense

OP posts:
Original poster
hoolahoola22 · 22/05/2021 11:35

Also because of covid we are all standing away from each other at drop off so dont really know any of the other mums no one really talks like they did before covid, so cant walk with someone else

OP posts:
Original poster
hoolahoola22 · 22/05/2021 11:39

He asked me about what school my dd was going to in Sept, and when I told him and it wasnt where his dd had got in, he said i really like that school im going to see if i can change and get dd in there, i said i dont think you can do that now (this was in April after places had been offered) and he said i dont want to split them up! I Thought that was weird

OP posts:
NakedBanana · 22/05/2021 11:45

OP you don't want to anything, you don't want to seem rude. #*Bekind and all that shit! You're now pissed off with yourself because you don't feel able to say anything.

Now step back a minute and think this through, what sort of an example are you giving your daughter??? Do you think, little as she is, that she hasn't picked up on your fear and your avoidance of the situation?

You can do this for your daughter, let her watch and learn.

You could say something along the lines of "Hey Jim, it feels like you're following me, please don't do it, it's making me feel uncomfortable".

Do it for your daughter if you can't do it for yourself!!!!

NakedBanana · 22/05/2021 11:47

And so fucking what if he huffs and puffs, denies and says who do you think you are?

Your daughter will have learned a valuable lesson, we do not have to put with this sort of shit!

TaraR2020 · 22/05/2021 11:50

What if i say that and then he makes a scene and makes me look stupid?

Except you wouldn't look stupid, he would. If he protests, then say loudly and clearly "you're always following me and I don't like it, it makes me very uncomfortable".

I get thr fear honestly I do but sounds like all the other mums avoid him too so everyone will be on your side.

partyatthepalace · 22/05/2021 11:58

He might be unhappy but that is no excuse to stalk you - and that is what he’s doing.

At this stage I would either:

  • Tell him you’ve noticed X,Y,Z (examples - driving around the block, harassing you on meet up dates) behaviour - it’s making you very uncomfortable - you are married, not interested in him personally - and this is harassment. It needs to stop.
  • If you feel uncomfortable with this - your DH should do it. Either by covering the school run for you or dropping around to his house

If that doesn’t work (unlikely):

  • tell the above to his ex

If that doesn’t work (even more unlikely) then warn him you will report it to the police, and if he doesn’t cool off immediately - do it - they won’t do anything because clearly it’s too mild but his behaviour is low level stalking so reporting it is justified.

Oneweekleft · 22/05/2021 11:58

Everytime he approaches say sorry cant talk im on the phone to my husband and ring your dh

BakedTattie · 22/05/2021 12:01

If you feel like you can’t say anything, then completely blank him.

Act like he doesn’t exist. If he speaks to you, just walk on and ignore completely

bloodyhell19 · 22/05/2021 12:14

Eugh, this creep has red flag written all over him. If you can, and DH is around, I'd arrange so you walk to the nursery as normal & have DH parked up there separately but discreetly. Then wait and see if Creepo corners you. DH can appear and tell him to do one. My guess is he'll be hesitant to approach you in future in case your husband is around. He's making me uncomfortable just reading your posts - he knows you're married and avoids you around your husband but is on you like white on rice when he's not around? That's a creep.

Gucci1961 · 22/05/2021 12:18

I'm going to give you a good phrase when you're not quite able to say ''no''.

They say on mumsnet that no is a complete sentence but I find it hard. The next time you see him and if he asks you out, say ''Thanks Jim but I'm going to be honest with you, my heart wouldn't be in that at all''.

If he pushes it ... say ''that may be, but my heart wouldn't be in it''.

If he pushes it would you be brave enough to say ''that may be, but........I feel like you're not hearing me.''/

It's hard to say no and these types choose women who find it hard to say no so use this as a practice opportunity.

Gucci1961 · 22/05/2021 12:21

@IARTNS

Some people are really shit at getting vibes from people.

"Hi Dave, I'm sure you don't mean to but you're making me quite uncomfortable..."

If it was unintentional, he might realise he has to approach people in a different way. If he is just a creepy twunt, then hopefully he'll get the message and back off.

This is a good one I think @hoolahoola22
gelert5619 · 22/05/2021 13:09

Totally agree with NakedBanana.

Also, always, always, always follow your gut instinct.

We often feel the need to be polite and not offend but what about how WE are feeling. 'The Gift of Fear' is excellent at explaining this.

Original poster
hoolahoola22 · 22/05/2021 13:38

I know you are all right,On monday im going to go my normal way and arrive at the normal time, i like the idea of dh hiding somewhere 🤣 i need to man up!!

OP posts:
Original poster
hoolahoola22 · 22/05/2021 22:51

UPDATE I was at work tonight and glanced out of the window as inwas making a cup of tea, and as i did i saw his car just pulling out of my work car park, now i dont work at tesco or a pub or in a cafe or in a place where ot could be just a coincidence, fair enough he could have just been turning around in our car park but there is a roundabout at the end of the road so why use the car park?

OP posts:
carlywurly · 22/05/2021 23:10

Oh, that's not a welcome development.

Did you have others with you? You're not there on your own at work? Is there cctv in the car park that might have showed what he was doing and for how long?

ConfusedAdultFemale · 22/05/2021 23:33

Hmm sounds odd

BlankTimes · 23/05/2021 00:21

Definitely ask to see the CCTV to find out how long he was there and if he did anything to your car.

Yokey · 23/05/2021 00:22

You seem like a really nice overthinker, OP, and it's to your credit you're not comfortable being blatantly rude. Sadly, he's likely misinterpreted your politeness and he probably enjoys your company (in a potentially inappropriate way). I've had this issue a few times in my life (fortunately not on a school run) and it really does take some uncomfortable stone-faced behaviour from you so that he no longer enjoys interacting with you.

If he makes an invitation "life's too busy and we like to spend our free time as a family". If he approaches you "excuse me, I need to make a private phone call". If he's lingering, ignore him when you've finished your conversation as though you didn't realise he was waiting for you and if he talks to you "I'm in a rush". No apologies or smiles. The colder the more effective. It'll feel uncomfortable but he'll likely give up (if not, then it will be obviously beyond the pale and your husband may need to get involved). And there can't be any scene because what can he reasonably say about you being cold and busy - you don't owe him anything and you won't have said anything he can call you out on.

He obviously gets something he enjoys out of it. Hopefully he's just lacking social skills and has no idea you really dislike his company. If that's the case, making obvious you don't like him will do the trick.

TaraR2020 · 23/05/2021 00:52

O cr*p op - are you absolutely sure it was his car and not someone else?

Make sure you keep logs of all this - deal with it head on tomorrow and then if it continues report to police.

Lemmeout · 23/05/2021 01:14

One word answers. Avoid every chance to invite conversation. Or say no. I can’t do that, I’m busy.
I like suggesting he meet your dh though.

Lemmeout · 23/05/2021 01:15

Omg police 👮‍♀️.