Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Holiday.... at my house?

97 replies

blacktable · 20/05/2021 08:39

I am late 30's, live by myself and single. I have known this guy for about 13 years. He loves two hours away. We slept with each other back then but I got in a relationship with another guy and we stopped seeing each other. That relationship ended and a couple of years ago (December 2019) we hooked up and went on holiday to Majorca for five days together. (Holidays! ). It was sun, sex and swigging cocktails. It was fine. Good fun.

Now, we have been messaging during lockdown and now we have both been vaccinated, he wants to come and visit me for a long weekend (or four days or so) in my house (he lives with a parent as his other parent passed away last year)

I've said I'm not massively comfortable with him being here and basically having a holiday here whilst I host him. I've been here by myself for several years now, it's very much my home and although I've had the odd guy stay over, that's just been one night. They've not come for longer. I'm trying to be cool and chill about it but thinking about a man who I don't really know that well being here is making me feel a bit weird. He's totally safe, I just think it's a lot for me to take in baring in mind how by myself I have been over the past year and how having a man here for a long time is just... I don't know. Hopefully you know what I mean!

He doesn't seem to get it, saying we have been on holiday together and that I know him, what's the problem etc. He's very sex orientated and has said what he's planning to do to me sex wise whilst he is here. I'm all for mad sex, but feel weird about us doing it here. Would much rather do it in a hotel!

I said, why don't we meet in London (which is in between for both of us, probably an hour for us both to travel in to) and have a day out, maybe get a room. He's now getting funny about it, saying he doesn't want to go into London because of COVID and that he lives with older parent etc.

Facts:

He is same age as me.

He lives two hours away so since the holiday, I've not seen him in the flesh once.

We have FaceTimed twice.

He has sent flowers at Christmas/birthday/valentines. He also sends 'sex' gifts (you know the sort, scratchy babydolls and massive black dildos) every now and again.

So, aibu to not let him stay here for a few days?

OP posts:

Chickenlickeninthepot · 20/05/2021 08:52

I wouldn't be shagging anyone who sends me random dildos through the post.

Hermanfromguesswho · 20/05/2021 08:55

You are not unreasonable to feel however you feel.
I’d say to him that you hate hosting people staying at your house and you’d like both of you to have that ‘away from home, carefree holiday vibe’. Ask him where he feels comfortable going away to if not London?

womaninatightspot · 20/05/2021 08:55

I wouldn't want to host either it's a different sort of thing when it's your space.

Lots of places to go that aren't London though surely if you fancy it although the sex gifts may have understandably put you off.

Pinkylemons · 20/05/2021 08:58

YANBU. If it doesn’t sit right with you, don’t do it.

The huge dildo “gift” would have out me off anyway!

DenisetheMenace · 20/05/2021 08:59

I’d block.

3scape · 20/05/2021 09:01

If you really want to still have sex tell him bluntly, hotel or no go. He might think you're married or something, but it's your home you don't have to deal with people in it. Trust your instinct because it needs to be your home and you need to feel in control there after he's gone his merry way. A hotel would mean more equity. Meals and cleaning would be someone else's problem. No hosting.

idontlikealdi · 20/05/2021 09:01

So he wants a shag without having to pay for a hotel room?

I'd sack him off tbh.

HollowTalk · 20/05/2021 09:03

Jesus.

Stillgoings · 20/05/2021 09:04

Yanbu. At all!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/05/2021 09:04

Can you not say “no”? Say “I don’t see the relationship in that way” or the kind of thing that men would happily say if they didn’t want the kind of commitment involved.

Or you could just break it off, which I would be on the side of after hearing how pushy he is to get into your space.

bigbaggyeyes · 20/05/2021 09:04

Might sound like fun for him, but I can guarantee you'll be doing all the cooking, washing up, making tea etc. Even if you eat out all the time, you'll still be the one having to clear up. Probably also have to pay to get extra booze, milk etc in too. Doesn't sound like much fun to me .

Plus, it's your safe space.

If he's not prepared to meet you half way then I'd sack him off. Sounds like he wants a few days of being looked after by someone else and a shag

Ju11tne · 20/05/2021 09:07

OP the fact that your asking says it all.

When you were on holiday it’s a different vibe. Stand firm I wouldn’t let him stay at all tbh.... it’s too long and you can’t expect those benefits and expected to be cooked for and so on he isn’t your boyfriend.

If he won’t agree to a hotel he’s not worth it.

SadieCow · 20/05/2021 09:08

Nah, he wants a cheap "holiday"! Where is the holiday for you?

MimiSunshine · 20/05/2021 09:09

No just no. You don’t want him in your house but are happy to meet him elsewhere. He’s putting pressure on you to let him stay at yours.
He doesn’t get more than the ability to suggest it, he doesn’t get a vote in this. You said no so end of.

Tell him it’s a hotel or nothing.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/05/2021 09:10

A guy who won’t respect your boundaries?

Block

PremierSmeage · 20/05/2021 09:12

Getting massive black dildos in the post.

SympathyFatigue · 20/05/2021 09:14

Scratchy sex outfits and dildos. What a prince among men.

Why are you saying you'll meet in a hotel?
Seems like he fancies an escort service and respite from parents.
Run a mile.

Pinkdelight3 · 20/05/2021 09:14

You can and should say no if you're not comfortable with it, but it's not weird for him to suggest it and I don't know why it's being framed as a holiday at your house. It's fairly unusual not to shag people who you're shagging at your own house and you do know him, it's odd to say you don't when you've known him for 13 years and had at least two periods of intimacy over that time. You're making it sound like an exploitation, whereas from another angle he's just visiting the woman he's shagging. You do say you're up for mad sex after all and presumably are playing along with the sexual relationship by post that's been going on. However it's entirely up to you and as he's not up for the hotel alternative, you should probably knock it on the head as you have incompatible needs and boundaries.

What's a scratchy babydoll? An uncomfortable nightie or something more sinister??

dancinfeet · 20/05/2021 09:16

He is being tight, staying at a hotel means the cost of the room, but also the cost of food- meals out or takeaways. He doesn't want to be in a position where he has to dip into his own pocket, so wants to come to yours so that room and food is provided!

Newkitchen123 · 20/05/2021 09:16

Just no

MyMajesty · 20/05/2021 09:17

YANBU.

He doesn't see you as a person - just as a provider of sex for him.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 20/05/2021 09:19

What do you want?

If i didnt want to be sent sex gifts, the first time it happened I'd be kicking off. If they weren't to my taste, I'd be say that too and wondering if sexually we were a match. By accepting them the tone has kinda been set. If that's not your tone you need to speak up and guide things on the right direction or cool the relationship

I wouldn't be going into London either at the moment. I wouldn't blame him for that. But your entirely within your rights to say I'd rather meet other than my home.
If you want to meet up in a hotel outside london suggest that

If you dont feel safe with him, you shouldn't
be meeting him anywhere at a London hotel or at Home. End it now!

sqirrelfriends · 20/05/2021 09:24

Absolutely not. As others have said, the vibe is different on holiday. In your home, that's your space and you will probably be expected to do all the cooking, cleaning etc.

Personally, I enjoy hosting but I wouldn't in these circumstances.

Tal45 · 20/05/2021 09:27

You don't want this, end of story. Don't be bullied into doing something you don't want by him, I'd tell him you don't want this anymore and block him right now.

Newestname001 · 20/05/2021 09:33

I totally get it, OP. I wouldn't want to host him in my personal space either. Going to neutral territory is much easier for you as you don't have to have any responsibilities apart from sharing costs of the room and food if that's what's agreed.

I suspect he sees you as an easy billet for a few days with lots of sex provided, which might well not be appropriate at his elderly relatives. Does he have this arrangement with other women who have their own place, I wonder? 🌹

Flip

1 2 3 4

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread