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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holiday.... at my house?

97 replies

blacktable · 20/05/2021 08:39

I am late 30's, live by myself and single. I have known this guy for about 13 years. He loves two hours away. We slept with each other back then but I got in a relationship with another guy and we stopped seeing each other. That relationship ended and a couple of years ago (December 2019) we hooked up and went on holiday to Majorca for five days together. (Holidays! ). It was sun, sex and swigging cocktails. It was fine. Good fun.

Now, we have been messaging during lockdown and now we have both been vaccinated, he wants to come and visit me for a long weekend (or four days or so) in my house (he lives with a parent as his other parent passed away last year)

I've said I'm not massively comfortable with him being here and basically having a holiday here whilst I host him. I've been here by myself for several years now, it's very much my home and although I've had the odd guy stay over, that's just been one night. They've not come for longer. I'm trying to be cool and chill about it but thinking about a man who I don't really know that well being here is making me feel a bit weird. He's totally safe, I just think it's a lot for me to take in baring in mind how by myself I have been over the past year and how having a man here for a long time is just... I don't know. Hopefully you know what I mean!

He doesn't seem to get it, saying we have been on holiday together and that I know him, what's the problem etc. He's very sex orientated and has said what he's planning to do to me sex wise whilst he is here. I'm all for mad sex, but feel weird about us doing it here. Would much rather do it in a hotel!

I said, why don't we meet in London (which is in between for both of us, probably an hour for us both to travel in to) and have a day out, maybe get a room. He's now getting funny about it, saying he doesn't want to go into London because of COVID and that he lives with older parent etc.

Facts:

He is same age as me.

He lives two hours away so since the holiday, I've not seen him in the flesh once.

We have FaceTimed twice.

He has sent flowers at Christmas/birthday/valentines. He also sends 'sex' gifts (you know the sort, scratchy babydolls and massive black dildos) every now and again.

So, aibu to not let him stay here for a few days?

OP posts:

Talk1ngD1n0s · 20/05/2021 09:35

You have offered hotel

He turned this down

So it is his loss

Your home is your sanctuary

Summerfun54321 · 20/05/2021 09:37

So he’s pressurising you to host him for a free sex holiday and even when you’ve said no he’s pressurised you some more. Get him in the bin.

HaveringWavering · 20/05/2021 09:38

TBH given that you have got on well in the past, including during a holiday together, it is not unreasonable of him to suggest that he spend some time with you in your home. I don’t think he can be criticised for the suggestion. However you are perfectly entitled to set your own boundaries. Out of interest, if he lived alone would you be happy to spend a few days at his place or would that also feel inappropriate?

(Black dildo in the post though - )

SarahBellam · 20/05/2021 09:43

You don’t want to do it. Don’t try to make excuses to him, don’t try to make it better by offering alternatives. ‘No’ is a complete sentence. You are under no obligation to him.

This isn’t really anything to do with making cups or tea or getting out the vacuum cleaner while he sits there scratching his arse. You don’t want him in your personal space.

FuckyouCovid21 · 20/05/2021 09:43

Fuck that, he might be looking for a new home to get away from his parent's house - probably turn into a massive cocklodger too.

And sending you dildos? Just no

cottonwoolbrain · 20/05/2021 09:45

What on earth is a "scratchy baby doll" - I'm going to have to leave it to my imagination since when I googled it the parental controls clicked in and I could go not further. DP's name on internet account so can hardly contact him at work for the codes - imagine explaining that one!

YANBU OP. If he wants a shag, its a hotel or nothing.

You sound a little uncomfortable with what he is proposing "sex wise" while he's with you. The man sends you large black dildos and "scratchy baby dolls" I think I'd find that quite intimidating to be honest

Cadent · 20/05/2021 09:45

DownWhichOfLate · 20/05/2021 09:48

Babydoll is a nightie. Scratchy as it’s presumably adorned with lacey bits and made from polyester.

SwimBaby · 20/05/2021 09:50

I’d say no to that, a firm no. If you fancy a night or two away in a hotel with him then he can arrange that.

Crockof · 20/05/2021 09:50

He also sends 'sex' gifts (you know the sort, scratchy babydolls and massive black dildos)

I wasn't expecting this gem when reading your post. No I didn't know the sort!

Aside from that agree with above, he wants a free shag and doesn't respect your boundaries.

Crockof · 20/05/2021 09:51

cottonwool I was imaging some kind of voodoo doll but for sex.

MizMoonshine · 20/05/2021 09:51

If I'm letting a man in my fanny, I've got no issue letting him in my house.
I don't really get your standpoint tbh. He's not just going for a holiday, he wants to visit you.

cottonwoolbrain · 20/05/2021 09:52

@DownWhichOfLate - thanks for that I was imagining all sorts of horrible things of a far more sinister nature

LalalalalalaLand123 · 20/05/2021 09:52

He also sends 'sex' gifts (you know the sort

No OP, I do not know the sort - and if any bloke sent me things like dildos, I would run for the hills.
You've expressed your wishes, he is ignoring them - please do not let him bully you.

Crockof · 20/05/2021 09:53

@MizMoonshine

If I'm letting a man in my fanny, I've got no issue letting him in my house. I don't really get your standpoint tbh. He's not just going for a holiday, he wants to visit you.

If I'm letting him in my fanny I sure as hell don't want to be cleaning up after him or feeding him. This isn't a relationship its a fwb and that should be fun not domestic drudgery.

ravenmum · 20/05/2021 09:55

Also don't think that it's unusual to have your boyfriend or lover come over to your home for a weekend; my bf and I do that every weekend. I wouldn't see that as a holiday, and don't see the request as odd. But you can invite or refuse anyone you like.

fruitbrewhaha · 20/05/2021 09:57

I don't get it myself. Don't you like having people over to your house? Or guests to stay. I have spent a lot of time and effort making my house nice for people to come and stay.

I don't agree he is using you, any more than you are using him. It's more relaxed at home, you can get in a load of nice food and chill out. London is a bit dead at the moment, so actually would be a really good time to visit, no queues, easy to book restaurants etc. No theatre though. I can understand why you'd like to get out of your house, be somewhere else after being locked down. That side of in it get.

But if you're not cool with it, don't.

Newestname001 · 20/05/2021 09:59

"Scratchy baby doll" is underwear some men think will be sexy and pleasing to female partners but are usually cheap, badly made, often in garish colours, badly fitting and with the scratchy "lace" not comfortable against your bare skin at all! (So I hear...).

What with that, pushing to stay for days in my home and massive dildos, of whatever colour, being sent to my home I'd be reflecting whether I wanted to go any further with this relationship. 🌹

drumandthebass · 20/05/2021 10:01

If he's worried about covid, why not rent a cottage for a couple of days? That way you can keep away from people

Notaroadrunner · 20/05/2021 10:05

Does he see the relationship going somewhere? Obviously you can't meet at his parents house so your house is the only option apart from a hotel. If you want a relationship with him I don't see the issue in him staying for a few nights. It's not like he's asking to stay for a fortnight. A long weekend is hardly a holiday.

You've known him for 13 years, have been on holiday together and slept together in the past - yet you then say he's not someone you know very well. That's a bit confusing.

If you do not want to engage in a relationship with him then tell him and tell him to stop sending you inappropriate items in the post. He wasn't being unreasonable to ask to come and stay. You are not unreasonable to say no.

Butterfly44 · 20/05/2021 10:09

He wants sex, but doesn't want to pay for a room. You're not worth it... so I'd get rid tbh. You want someone that listens respects and thinks you're worth more than a dildo and token flowers.

LongHotSummerJustPassedMeBy · 20/05/2021 10:09

Does he know your address? Is there a chance he might turn up anyway?

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 10:10

Obey your gut feeling, respect that feeling. Firm NO.

listsandbudgets · 20/05/2021 10:11

@LongHotSummerJustPassedMeBy

Does he know your address? Is there a chance he might turn up anyway?

He must do if he's sending her dildos - unless she has a PO Box for these purposes?

Pinkdelight3 · 20/05/2021 10:11

He doesn't see you as a person - just as a provider of sex for him.

Is this not the arrangement for both? She's up for the mad sex and doesn't seem to want to get to know him nor want him to get to know her.

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