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Original poster

Partner breaking my promises to her friends

95 replies

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 07:53

I have been with my partner for 3 years, and I’ve been noticing something I don’t understand.

She has some friends she’s known for a long time, they often invite her to their home for all sorts of occasions. We’ve spent time out with them, perfectly nice couple... but for some reason, she never allows them in her home or mine.

Several times they have been hinting heavily to be invited over and I agreed to them coming to mine one day. Somehow or other, my partner would find a way to block these visits, without explanation to me or them.

I assume it would appear as though I have gone back on my invitations. I fear that I look quietly hostile and unreliable to them, it’s a bit embarrassing.

I didn’t want to get between a long friendship by trying to clear it up myself. I just find it a really baffling mystery.

I know none of you can mind read, but has anyone else gone through something like this? What were some of the possible reasons you encountered, thought of, or found out later?

Am I being unreasonable to find this a bit odd?

OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 20/05/2021 07:57

Ask her why??

Wetnoseandfurryears · 20/05/2021 07:58

Have you asked her about it? What are her reasons?

Surely you can invite whoever you want to your home. You don't need your partner's permission.

A simple "Marjorie and Jim are coming over to mine on Saturday evening for a barbecue" should do it Smile

ScottishNewbie · 20/05/2021 07:58

How would you say your home compares to theirs? Also your general home cleanliness?
That's honestly the only thing I can think of. And it's pretty shit of your partner to either A. Be that shallow or 2. Be so indirect that she doesn't just talk to you.
I'm sorry! It's a shit situation. I would honestly confront it head on and see what she says.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 20/05/2021 07:58

How does she block them? Are they firm invitations with rides and days or just "you must come over sometime?"

If the latter, I'd try to be more specific when you see them in person -"let's get a date in the diary now!"

If you're friends with them on Facebook you could communicate with them that way. It sounds like she doesn't want you to be friends independently from her.

BlackRibboner · 20/05/2021 07:59

I think you're being unreasonable not to ask her. If you feel you can't, after three years together, then in your shoes I'd be questioning the health of your relationship.

Standrewsschool · 20/05/2021 08:05

Two possible options.

Firstly, she doesn’t feel comfortable playing the host, either at her house or yours.

Alternatively, it may be a controlling mechanism. She’s controlling who you can or cannot see.

Is all friends or certain friends she doesn’t like?

Have you ever tried to over-rule her or question her?

Original poster
HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 08:09

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Ask her why??
She said it’s because they won’t leave. I said that’s fine, I don’t have a time limit, and anyway we’ll just tell them in advance we have somewhere to be afterwards at a certain time. This was met with silence and no further explanations from my partner.
OP posts:
Original poster
HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 08:11

@Wetnoseandfurryears

Have you asked her about it? What are her reasons?

Surely you can invite whoever you want to your home. You don't need your partner's permission.

A simple "Marjorie and Jim are coming over to mine on Saturday evening for a barbecue" should do it Smile

I didn’t feel I knew her friends well enough to go over her head, they’ve been her friends for eons. I didn’t step on any toes out of respect for my partner, and assumed she must know something I don’t - a valid reason.
OP posts:
Original poster
HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 08:13

@ScottishNewbie

How would you say your home compares to theirs? Also your general home cleanliness? That's honestly the only thing I can think of. And it's pretty shit of your partner to either A. Be that shallow or 2. Be so indirect that she doesn't just talk to you. I'm sorry! It's a shit situation. I would honestly confront it head on and see what she says.
My home is reasonably clean and orderly. Never had any negative remarks, but had positive ones. I’ve never had issues with people not wanting to visit.
OP posts:
DeathStare · 20/05/2021 08:15

I didn’t feel I knew her friends well enough to go over her head, they’ve been her friends for eons. I didn’t step on any toes out of respect for my partner, and assumed she must know something I don’t - a valid reason

Then can you not just say to her.... "I'm inviting Marjorie and Jim round for dinner, and unless you have a reason you can explain to me I don't want you to block it. I have no problem if they don't leave quickly - I'll stay up with them, you don't have to"

Luckingfovely · 20/05/2021 08:15

The problem is nothing to do with the friends, and everything to do with the fact that your partner won't communicate with you, and you're too scared of upsetting them to push the issue.

You need to address this, or else it's barely worth calling it a relationship.

DeathStare · 20/05/2021 08:17

An after-thought but is there any chance they drink and drive? I used to have a friend who I would only have dinner with at their place because when they had previously come to mine the argument trying to stop them driving home just want worth the hassle.

eandz13 · 20/05/2021 08:20

I'm like this, I just don't like being the host. It's pressure for me. I feel like I need to really entertain. It's then telling them when they need to go, which is always a bit awkward to word it without sounding like "right, piss off now" Grin
I prefer being a guest over a host. My friend prefers being the host. Just different strokes for different folks. If you really want to do it she should come to a compromise though, I agree. Saying something like "we can invite Sally and Steve over for tea, tell them we have to be somewhere by 7pm" kind of thing.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 20/05/2021 08:22

Is she embarrassed by the state of your home?

Original poster
HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 08:22

@FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18

How does she block them? Are they firm invitations with rides and days or just "you must come over sometime?"

If the latter, I'd try to be more specific when you see them in person -"let's get a date in the diary now!"

If you're friends with them on Facebook you could communicate with them that way. It sounds like she doesn't want you to be friends independently from her.

The couple don’t have my phone number or social media. My partner changes the subject and says we’ll coordinate that in our diaries later. Her friends, similarly to me, I assume didn’t want to be really pushy when she’s being avoidant.

It didn’t seem like a life or death importance situation, so I tried not to dwell on it. The more it’s continued, the more strange it seems.

OP posts:
ConfusedAdultFemale · 20/05/2021 08:23

Never mind you’ve already answered that sorry! I’m unsure then, the only reason I don’t like folk coming to mine is if the place isn’t the tidiest!

Original poster
HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 08:25

@Standrewsschool

Two possible options.

Firstly, she doesn’t feel comfortable playing the host, either at her house or yours.

Alternatively, it may be a controlling mechanism. She’s controlling who you can or cannot see.

Is all friends or certain friends she doesn’t like?

Have you ever tried to over-rule her or question her?

One of her friends comes to her home freely, and my partner is a very good host, but we have also been denied visits to each other’s homes.
OP posts:
Tittyfilarious · 20/05/2021 08:26

I can be like this a little bit and the reason for it is that when people come to my house I'm fretting all the time about how things look, it has to be really clean and nothing out of place because I worry I'll be judged for how my house is, I'm not like that unless someone is visiting so I'm not comfortable at all . The other reason is if I go somewhere else I can say right be better be off then when I've had enough of it.

MizMoonshine · 20/05/2021 08:28

Maybe she just doesn't want other people in her space. It's not uncommon to not want to host people. I hate it.

DoingItMyself · 20/05/2021 08:28

Did my grandma bring her up? My gran was of the opinion that you never ask any other woman into your home, as they will take it as an opportunity to shag your husband.

To be fair, my grandad had a roving eye (that's kind... he was a sleazy pervert). And her brother moved his girlfriend into his house with him and his wife. So she had reason to believe that access to women wasn't a good thing for men.

Lilaetlilas · 20/05/2021 08:32

She said it’s because they won’t leave. I said that’s fine, I don’t have a time limit, and anyway we’ll just tell them in advance we have somewhere to be afterwards at a certain time. This was met with silence and no further explanations from my partner.

Is one of the couple an alcoholic and she is being loyal to them by not saying?

Would she in normal times invite other people to her home or yours?

It all sounds a bit strange to me but why don't you swerve the home entertaining altogether and ask Marjorie and Jim to join you for a pub lunch (which you pay for) somewhere, after which you have to "dash" off to meet or pick up your maiden aunt at a certain time? It's a bit off to keep accepting their hospitality without reciprocating in some way.

JarJarQ · 20/05/2021 08:32

Could she be embarrassed by your lovely lady bog roll doll?

Partner breaking my promises to her friends
Providora · 20/05/2021 08:34

So you've asked her, she gave you an explanation. They're her friends.

I don't know what anyone on here can do to help you get your own way or why you want us to.

Lilaetlilas · 20/05/2021 08:39

"but we have also been denied visits to each other’s homes."

So do you think this is more about her wanting to keep different aspects of her life separate rather than about hosting per se?

Or did she have a situation in the past, say a bad break up, where all the mutual friends sided with her ex?

Seesawmummadaw · 20/05/2021 08:40

Is she a jealous person