Partner breaking my promises to her friends

[HideAndSeeking]

I have been with my partner for 3 years, and I’ve been noticing something I don’t understand.

She has some friends she’s known for a long time, they often invite her to their home for all sorts of occasions. We’ve spent time out with them, perfectly nice couple... but for some reason, she never allows them in her home or mine.

Several times they have been hinting heavily to be invited over and I agreed to them coming to mine one day. Somehow or other, my partner would find a way to block these visits, without explanation to me or them.

I assume it would appear as though I have gone back on my invitations. I fear that I look quietly hostile and unreliable to them, it’s a bit embarrassing.

I didn’t want to get between a long friendship by trying to clear it up myself. I just find it a really baffling mystery.

I know none of you can mind read, but has anyone else gone through something like this? What were some of the possible reasons you encountered, thought of, or found out later?

Am I being unreasonable to find this a bit odd?

@Bumblebee1980a

Do they have bigger houses? Is she embarrassed that her or your house is smaller? The area etc.

Maybe it is because she thinks they will stay until the early hours. At least when she is at theirs it's up to her when she leaves.

They do not seem any better or worse off than we are generally, I can’t imagine this being an issue. I really hope it isn’t, but who knows at this point.

This one is easy. Stop making promises for her, without her permission.

If you make a commitment oh behalf of someone else without checking with them first, the resulting embarrassment when you have to retract that commitment is all on you, not them.

Her rudeness is not your rudeness so I would just let it go if I were you.

Imo it'll only become an issue if and when you get married or live together.

Plus, as they've known her for a lot longer than you then it's likely that they already know about this side of her personality from her previous relationships, so I highly doubt they think it's you @HideAndSeeking

@giletrouge

So it all hinges round this single comment - 'They won't leave' - which indicates to me she's had one or possibly more than one experience with them of them massively outstaying their welcome, but for some reason she doesn't want to tell you about it OR your reticence to ask further questions means she's not going to volunteer the info. There's a backstory that you don't know but she's hinted at it. Really you've got to bite the bullet and ask her. I'm not quite clear why you won't do this?

Definitely there is something I don’t know, and I do believe she feels strongly about it, and is very happy to keep me in the dark about it, even if it makes me or her friends look flakey or rude. Why all this artful dodging, I could deal with most truths, and would defer to her feelings about it. I just don’t know if it’s me she wants to keep away from them, or vice versa. I tend to think I haven’t ever seen her behave in a way that I thought showed she was ashamed of me, apart from this situation.

@SkedaddIe

Plus, as they've known her for a lot longer than you then it's likely that they already know about this side of her personality from her previous relationships, so I highly doubt they think it's you *@HideAndSeeking*

This is very reassuring.

Maybe she is scared they will reveal something to you that she has kept hidden. Sorry to fuel paranoia!

Well something weird is going on and if it was me I'd be trying to get it out of her. I think you're being very careful and respectful OP. I'd let rip a bit if I were you, in the sense of saying something like -ok I know something's going on you're not telling me, will you tell me please because I'm now finding it weird?

Could it be something that your partner doesn't want to embarrass their friends by sharing? Could they be prone to drunken arguments? Or as in the case of someone I knew when they were invited to someone's house they would get so drunk they would have to stay in the spare room or on the sofa and they would wet themselves and not say anything about it so the homeowner would have to discover and clean it after they left.

@Alcemeg

Maybe she is scared they will reveal something to you that she has kept hidden. Sorry to fuel paranoia!

I hadn’t thought this, but now I actually don’t think it’s too paranoid to think it could be this or any other equally unsettling thing.

@RitaFires

Could it be something that your partner doesn't want to embarrass their friends by sharing? Could they be prone to drunken arguments? Or as in the case of someone I knew when they were invited to someone's house they would get so drunk they would have to stay in the spare room or on the sofa and they would wet themselves and not say anything about it so the homeowner would have to discover and clean it after they left.

That’s totally mad. Possibly it would explain why they are not fussed about never being invited to my partner’s home, and happily invite her to their’s frequently. It would explain why she wouldn’t want to say it!

If it’s something like that, I’m glad I’ve kept the pressure off and left it alone.

With the person I knew everybody thought it was just a humiliating one off and didn't raise it with her until eventually somebody mentioned it and it emerged she had done this to at least 5 people and she never alerted anyone to it, people had to find out by noticing the smell or in one case touching the passenger seat of their car after dropping her home. Only one friend had managed to notice it before she left and she made her clean it up but none of these experiences had caused the person to drink any less or take any other kind of precaution.

How unfortunate and sad. It’s a real disease, that person needed urgent treatment.

I just don’t know if it’s me she wants to keep away from them, or vice versa. I tend to think I haven’t ever seen her behave in a way that I thought showed she was ashamed of me, apart from this situation.

Honestly op, just pour her a glass of wine and have a proper conversation with her about it one evening. Say something like you have written here.

"Do you mind if I ask you about something that is making me feel uneasy. I hope I have shown you I can be trusted. I really want to know if it's them or me? "

However, keep in mind, that she is an autonomous person who is entitled to keep her friends to herself if she prefers to do that.

I agree with people stressing that they are her friends, not yours. You are relatively new to the relationship dynamic. It seems overly pushy to be pursuing this when she has made it clear she doesn't want it and even explained why.

I've been with my partner 35 years now and some of his friends I would now consider to be mutual friends but in the early days I definitely made some mistakes in understanding his group dynamics and who to include or exclude from various functions and events. I cringe looking back on a couple of them. I would have saved myself a lot of awkwardness of I'd just listened to him instead of assuming I knew best.

She is incredibly evasive even when asked directly. The staying late we came up with a solution, and I haven’t heard any other reason. Besides, I’ve only ever seen them leave at a very reasonable time early in the evening when I we’ve been out together.

Your last sentence here op? What does it mean exactly?

If you all go out together to restaurants or pubs outside of your respective homes, what is the issue?

Can you raise with her that you find it embarrassing when her friends hint that they'd like to be invited yet you've realised she doesn't want them to come?
Ask her to help you know how to deal with it.

They are very obviously swingers.

They’ve made overtures to your DP which is why she only agrees to meet them early in the evening and definitely doesn’t want to socialise with them at home.

I don't think they sound that nice if they are angling for an invitation all the time. That sounds incredibly rude and if someone did that to me I'd not want them in the house.

Maybe they knew her from before when she was in difficult circumstances or in a bad place emotionally and she doesn't want that cropping up accidentally?

I think her explanation makes perfect sense. We are friends with a couple who don't know when to leave. I love them dearly, but my goodness it's annoying. I always try to see them out somewhere rather than invite them round.

Unless she does the same with other friends I'd say take her explanation at face value and think no more about it.

I absolutely hate people being in my home. I’m such a homebody and it feels like an invasion of my privacy. Perhaps your DP feels like this? Is she just like this with these friends or all friends?

I also don’t particularly like being in other peoples homes so I always try to arrange meet-ups in a mutual meeting place, especially so I don’t have to return the favour and invite people to mine as I would just be uncomfortable waiting for them to leave the whole time.

I wouldn't worry about it tbh.

It's a bit weird but they're not your friends, they're hers, so they will likely not even consider it to be you who has decided not to invite them.

Lesbian relationship/friendship groups are often a bit trickier to navigate than straight ones. If they were men would you be as intent on hosting them? It's a very fine line between wanting to be hospitable to her friends and her feeling that you're trying to muscle into the group. It feels shit being a woman and feeling left out but you wouldn't dream of taking the lead and organising a boys night.

@Lilaetlilas

She is incredibly evasive even when asked directly. The staying late we came up with a solution, and I haven’t heard any other reason. Besides, I’ve only ever seen them leave at a very reasonable time early in the evening when I we’ve been out together.

Your last sentence here op? What does it mean exactly?

If you all go out together to restaurants or pubs outside of your respective homes, what is the issue?

I meant they always left at a normal early-ish hour... I hadn’t personally got the idea they’re night owls prone to staying out / awake all night (as previously suggested by my partner: “they won’t leave”).