Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Partner breaking my promises to her friends

95 replies

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 07:53

I have been with my partner for 3 years, and I’ve been noticing something I don’t understand.

She has some friends she’s known for a long time, they often invite her to their home for all sorts of occasions. We’ve spent time out with them, perfectly nice couple... but for some reason, she never allows them in her home or mine.

Several times they have been hinting heavily to be invited over and I agreed to them coming to mine one day. Somehow or other, my partner would find a way to block these visits, without explanation to me or them.

I assume it would appear as though I have gone back on my invitations. I fear that I look quietly hostile and unreliable to them, it’s a bit embarrassing.

I didn’t want to get between a long friendship by trying to clear it up myself. I just find it a really baffling mystery.

I know none of you can mind read, but has anyone else gone through something like this? What were some of the possible reasons you encountered, thought of, or found out later?

Am I being unreasonable to find this a bit odd?

OP posts:

Lilaetlilas · 20/05/2021 08:41

Do you have an unruly dog? Or a six foot python?

RantyAnty · 20/05/2021 08:44

They're her friends. I don't know why you're so hung up on inviting them over. You say invitations. If you've been blocked from inviting them more than once, you aren't getting the hint. Leave them alone.

Invite your own friends over.

Lilaetlilas · 20/05/2021 08:45

Does she have an eating disorder? Or anxiety about eating in front of others?

Lumene · 20/05/2021 08:47

Just ask her why.

Bumblebee1980a · 20/05/2021 09:01

Do they have bigger houses? Is she embarrassed that her or your house is smaller? The area etc.

Maybe it is because she thinks they will stay until the early hours. At least when she is at theirs it's up to her when she leaves.

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 09:06

@DeathStare

An after-thought but is there any chance they drink and drive? I used to have a friend who I would only have dinner with at their place because when they had previously come to mine the argument trying to stop them driving home just want worth the hassle.

They like a good drink but do not drive.

OP posts:

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 09:16

@Lilaetlilas

She said it’s because they won’t leave. I said that’s fine, I don’t have a time limit, and anyway we’ll just tell them in advance we have somewhere to be afterwards at a certain time. This was met with silence and no further explanations from my partner.

Is one of the couple an alcoholic and she is being loyal to them by not saying?

Would she in normal times invite other people to her home or yours?

It all sounds a bit strange to me but why don't you swerve the home entertaining altogether and ask Marjorie and Jim to join you for a pub lunch (which you pay for) somewhere, after which you have to "dash" off to meet or pick up your maiden aunt at a certain time? It's a bit off to keep accepting their hospitality without reciprocating in some way.

I’m not sure about the alcoholism, but they are not shy about drinking a fair amount.

She has invited one friend to her home multiple times, but has made it difficult for her to join us at mine, and never taken me along to any friend’s home.

I agree and thought it was very rude not repay some kindnesses these friends have extended to me.

OP posts:

Winter2020 · 20/05/2021 09:16

Some possible suggestions:
Her or your house not being as impressive or well kept as the friends, or the opposite - being too house proud and not bearing the thought of their shoes, their mess.
Having to clean up/shop and then clean up again to host (or feeling that she does).
Something potentially embarrassing like the loo flush not working properly?
Her just being too anxious/uptight about the idea to cope with it.

Branleuse · 20/05/2021 09:16

I think its up to her if she wants to keep a degree of seperation. These people might be her support network. She may have issues with divided loyalties of couple friends rather than her own friends in the past. She probably has reasons. No harm in asking though

dottiedodah · 20/05/2021 09:16

Maybe just stick to evenings at the pub? or suchlike .Some people wont take the hint sadly ! There was an article the other day about some people having a party . Their other guests had all gone home ,one pair sat there all day while they cleaned up(no offers of help!) and in the end they just said its getting dark ,shall we run you to the station?

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 09:19

@DoingItMyself

Did my grandma bring her up? My gran was of the opinion that you never ask any other woman into your home, as they will take it as an opportunity to shag your husband.

To be fair, my grandad had a roving eye (that's kind... he was a sleazy pervert). And her brother moved his girlfriend into his house with him and his wife. So she had reason to believe that access to women wasn't a good thing for men.

To be honest, this crossed my mind. Although I find it hard to credit. She knows I’m not like that, and if I were horrible enough to do something like that, her friends are not even my type, zero attraction. Her friends are happily coupled up anyway!

OP posts:

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 20/05/2021 09:20

Do the friends have a big, fancy house in comparison to yours? It wouldn’t bother a true friend at all but perhaps your partner feels embarrassed your home isn’t as luxurious as theirs or maybe yours isn’t as clean and tidy as theirs. Maybe the friends have passed comment on her home in the past so she’s never bothered inviting them again.

I’m personally reluctant to invite my Gran around because every single time I do she finds something to pick on, even if it’s just a speck of dust. Last time she was whinging about my skirting boards so I just can’t be bothered.

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 09:22

@Providora

So you've asked her, she gave you an explanation. They're her friends.

I don't know what anyone on here can do to help you get your own way or why you want us to.

This thread is characterised by the fact I haven’t been insistent on “getting my own way” at all, quite the opposite. I want to see if others have been through this and what the causes and outcomes were. Thanks.

OP posts:

AfternoonToffee · 20/05/2021 09:23

It sounds possibly anxiety provoked and is therefore unlikely to be rational. (6ft pythons aside) You need to just leave it.

It makes me think of my anxieties around food, especially trying new ones. I will try things on my own terms, but the second someone try to push it onto me I clam up. So your partner feeling forced / obliged to have people over is very different to inviting them herself.

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 09:24

@Lilaetlilas

"but we have also been denied visits to each other’s homes."

So do you think this is more about her wanting to keep different aspects of her life separate rather than about hosting per se?

Or did she have a situation in the past, say a bad break up, where all the mutual friends sided with her ex?

I’m not sure, but really great possibilities to suggest and explore!

OP posts:

Summerfun54321 · 20/05/2021 09:25

If they’ve been friends for a long time they’ll be used to the lack of invites from her. Agree I’d find it awkward like you constantly accepting invites but never returning them. Fine to tell how the situation is making you feel, but you can’t force her to be the host and you don’t have control over the dynamic of her friendships.

RealisticSketch · 20/05/2021 09:27

Is she a social climber sort / self conscious about material wealth? Could it be that their home is a rung up the ladder (as she might see it) and she doesn't want them to see she isn't on a level with them? 🤔

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 09:28

@RantyAnty

Invite your own friends over.

It is her friends who are repeatedly and heavily hinting for these invitations, rather than me initiating. I would have been okay with leaving it alone, but it has become more awkward, they are nice people, I didn’t want to be rude within reason.

OP posts:

RealisticSketch · 20/05/2021 09:29

I agree with pp that telling her that you feel the lack of reciprocity is making you feel that you come across as rude/ ungrateful and that is making you uncomfortable. She should know that her behaviour affects you too and therefore she ought to at least put you in the picture / allow you to show yourself in a better light someway. I agree that as a partner getting to know long standing friends you don't want people to have you measured up incorrectly when your presence in their life is, originally, only due to being their friends partner.

Nietzschethehiker · 20/05/2021 09:30

Given none of the other options seem to pan out two things occur to me as they have with PP.

Possibly she is a bit controlling and doesn't want to share her friends as such. Fine to visit them as a couple but it feels different when they go to your space (even with her). It is too controlling but possibly if she has been burnt "losing" friends after a breakup it may explain it but not justify it.

Alternatively I had a friend years ago who was nice enough to me but started to become insanely judgemental about Exdh. In the period before I noped out of that friendship she escalated her nasty comments and judgements. It had nothing to do with Exdh behaviour. She was a giant insecure snob.

She kept making comments on his intelligence lack of educational dn appearance. Finally she crossed the line and I ended the friendship. It was never about who exdh was she just wanted to be an ass.

To his face she was lovely and welcoming. Behind his back it started small and escalated. So I instinctively kept her away from him because I didn't want him to hear it or pick up on it and be hurt.

I mean now I would tell her where to go on day one but then there was a short period where I kept them separated genuinely to protect him (misguided though it was) he still doesn't know how nasty she was and still thinks she was a lovely person.

Is it possible her friends are snobs or judgemental behind your back?

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 09:31

@Lumene

Just ask her why.

She is incredibly evasive even when asked directly. The staying late we came up with a solution, and I haven’t heard any other reason. Besides, I’ve only ever seen them leave at a very reasonable time early in the evening when I we’ve been out together.

OP posts:

giletrouge · 20/05/2021 09:35

So it all hinges round this single comment - 'They won't leave' - which indicates to me she's had one or possibly more than one experience with them of them massively outstaying their welcome, but for some reason she doesn't want to tell you about it OR your reticence to ask further questions means she's not going to volunteer the info.
There's a backstory that you don't know but she's hinted at it. Really you've got to bite the bullet and ask her. I'm not quite clear why you won't do this?

Viviennemary · 20/05/2021 09:35

I think if the visit is arranged to your home thdn ig was up yo you to cancelnot her. I think I would end the relationship with this controlling seemingly rude person.

giletrouge · 20/05/2021 09:35

Sorry cross posted.

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 09:38

@Seesawmummadaw

Is she a jealous person

I have seen surprising levels of territorial traits in other areas of life. I’m not finding it easy to see how that might apply in this situation? No one is trying to encroach, quite the opposite, everyone is staying back out of consideration for my partner.

Maybe her friends have some better idea of what’s going on, but if they do, they are not letting on.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4