Page 4 | Partner breaking my promises to her friends

HideAndSeeking · 2021-05-20T06:53:22+00:00

I have been with my partner for 3 years, and I’ve been noticing something I don’t understand. She has some friends she’s known for a long time, they often invite her to their home for all sorts of occasions. We’ve spent time out with them, perfectly nice couple... but for some reason, she never allows them in her home or mine. Several times they have been hinting heavily to be invited over and I agreed to them coming to mine one day. Somehow or other, my partner would find a way to block these visits, without explanation to me or them. I assume it would appear as though I have gone back on my invitations. I fear that I look quietly hostile and unreliable to them, it’s a bit embarrassing. I didn’t want to get between a long friendship by trying to clear it up myself. I just find it a really baffling mystery. I know none of you can mind read, but has anyone else gone through something like this? What were some of the possible reasons you encountered, thought of, or found out later? Am I being unreasonable to find this a bit odd?

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 11:35

@BelleClapper

They are very obviously swingers.

They’ve made overtures to your DP which is why she only agrees to meet them early in the evening and definitely doesn’t want to socialise with them at home.

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Erikrie · 20/05/2021 11:38

Maybe she just doesn't want you to invite them. They are her friends after all. Can't she just manage her friendships and decide whether or not she wants to invite them over? I'd be a bit pissed off if my dp kept doing that and insisting on an explanation as to why not tbh.

SarahAndQuack · 20/05/2021 11:43

What solution did you come up with to them staying late, or did I misunderstand? I saw you say I said that’s fine, I don’t have a time limit, and anyway we’ll just tell them in advance we have somewhere to be afterwards at a certain time. This was met with silence and no further explanations from my partner.

But if that's what you mean, that isn't 'we came up with a solution'. That's 'I suggested something and she clearly wasn't happy at all'.

I do get why you find it odd she's so reluctant and she does sound quite private - but then, you don't live together after three years so presumably one or both of you quite like your own personal space?

I would agree with a PP that it sounds as if it might be an issue around alcohol/boundaries, especially if you know they like a drink. Perhaps she's worried if you start inviting them round to yours, they'll start wanting to come to hers too and she'll end up roped into boozy late nights she never enjoyed.

I have a friend a bit like this. Lovely woman, lots of fun, but honestly I would feel awkward having her round as she just hasn't grown up and would think nothing of cracking open another bottle of wine at 1am when we have work in the morning, and it's just tedious arguing that one every single time.

ddl1 · 20/05/2021 11:50

You need to ask her.

The things that occur to me are (1) that she finds hosting difficult (doesn't find cooking and food preparation for more than one or two people easy/ feels that she's required to 'spring clean' before guests arrive/ feels that such events are 'parties' on which she must spend more money than she currently feels she has/ may have been criticized by one of these friends before for home decor, food provision; etc.) or (2) that she has some issues with one or more of these friendships that you don't know about.

If it's (1), then you should take responsibility for the hosting, and should make it clear to her that you are doing so,

If it's (2), then you need to know about it!

I suppose another possibility could be that right now she is worried about meeting people in person due to Covid; but then surely she wouldn't visit other people's homes either.

In any case she needs to discuss it openly with you.

ddl1 · 20/05/2021 11:53

Ah, hadn't RTFT. If you're not sharing a home, then (1) is unlikely. However, it could be that she is somewhat jealous over her friendships, and feels that you are trying to take over, or that you might even be trying to steal her friends from her. I'm not saying that's reasonable of her; but some people can be like that.

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 12:01

There’s no hope of open discussion on this issue and I don’t want to pressure her and keep going on about it. Best thing might be just to avoid these friends of hers completely and this just won’t come up anymore. My partner would probably still enjoy the odd meal out together, but I’d rather skip the awkwardness and let her handle her own friends. I have my own things I could be doing whilst she’s out.

I have simply been a bit curious about the reasons why these sorts of things come up, I’ve never run into this before.

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Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 12:05

@ddl1

Ah, hadn't RTFT. If you're not sharing a home, then (1) is unlikely. However, it could be that she is somewhat jealous over her friendships, and feels that you are trying to take over, or that you might even be trying to steal her friends from her. I'm not saying that's reasonable of her; but some people can be like that.

With the help of this thread and exploring different possibilities, this one is very likely. Not flattering, but likely. It does with other territorial behaviours I’ve seen.

I suspect it might be several things at once bothering her about this.

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MyMajesty · 20/05/2021 12:28

If you can avoid the whole situation altogether, without creating new awkwardness, then that sounds like the best solution.

Devlesko · 20/05/2021 12:31

Communicate with your partner.
It's sort of part of being in a relationship with someone.

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 12:38

@MyMajesty

If you can avoid the whole situation altogether, without creating new awkwardness, then that sounds like the best solution.

Might possibly cause further awkwardness, but not much I can do about it except stay out of it all if my partner hasn’t put me in the loop or settled the situation some other way. I’ll just say I’ve done it in order not to cause further awkwardness or seeming unfriendliness/hostility to her friends.

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Bibidy · 20/05/2021 12:41

@HideAndSeeking

There’s no hope of open discussion on this issue and I don’t want to pressure her and keep going on about it. Best thing might be just to avoid these friends of hers completely and this just won’t come up anymore. My partner would probably still enjoy the odd meal out together, but I’d rather skip the awkwardness and let her handle her own friends. I have my own things I could be doing whilst she’s out.

I have simply been a bit curious about the reasons why these sorts of things come up, I’ve never run into this before.

I just don't get it really, you can still see her friends as and when invited without feeling you need to invite them over? I genuinely don't think that her friends would ever be expecting you to invite them over, they will know it's down to her since she's the one that actually knows them well. Even if they do mention it to you, in your shoes I'd just be like "yeah sounds good, sort it out with [GF] and I'll be there". End of story!

And I definitely don't think you need to worry that she doesn't want them to know you or whatever, since she's happy for you to spend time with them, she just doesn't want to have people over.

therocinante · 20/05/2021 12:42

I hate having people to my house. There's nothing wrong with my house, it's perfectly clean and tidy(ish), but I feel like it's my space and I don't like having people in it really - except DH of course.

I also like being able to leave a situation when I need to due to sensory overload (which I didn't know was due to ADHD until a few years ago - thought I just hated people after a couple of hours haha).

Thankfully mine and DH's closest friends are both massive lovers of hosting, and the one person we do have over regularly is the kind of person I could sit in silence while we both watch TV in our pyjamas together and he feels the same, so there's no issue.

But maybe it's something similar - some people just don't really like the pressure or intrusion of hosting (and I'm aware for lots people hosting is neither full of pressure nor an intrusion! But for some it is)

CombatBarbie · 20/05/2021 12:54

It does sound like she is trying to keep you and them separate for whatever reason. It could be a hidden secret, it could be that she's been burnt in the past when introducing her friends to ex partners.

Bibidy · 20/05/2021 13:01

@CombatBarbie

It does sound like she is trying to keep you and them separate for whatever reason. It could be a hidden secret, it could be that she's been burnt in the past when introducing her friends to ex partners.

But she's happy to go out with OP and her friends, or go to their houses with OP? She just doesn't want to have people round her own house.

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 13:48

No, my partner hasn’t taken me to their houses. This has been mentioned several times throughout the thread.

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Bibidy · 20/05/2021 13:51

@HideAndSeeking

No, my partner hasn’t taken me to their houses. This has been mentioned several times throughout the thread.

Ok fine, fair enough, but she does take you on nights out with them?

Sorry, was just trying to say I don't think she's got a problem with you being around them.

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 20/05/2021 13:58

She does occasionally invite me on nights out with them, yes.

And she does occasionally enjoy having a friend at hers, just never at mine, and me never at theirs.

Whatever’s going on is not that simple, or perhaps even rational, as a PP has said.

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Bibidy · 20/05/2021 15:07

@HideAndSeeking

She does occasionally invite me on nights out with them, yes.

And she does occasionally enjoy having a friend at hers, just never at mine, and me never at theirs.

Whatever’s going on is not that simple, or perhaps even rational, as a PP has said.

I don't know then tbh OP. I feel like the only thing odd about it is how cagey she becomes when you raise it, other than that it seems fairly normal to me?

I see my friends mainly without my DP. If he's home, I will go to their place instead of inviting them to ours, not for any sinister reason but just because I want to chat with my friend (often about our DPs ) and also so we're not in his way. Sometimes I'll bring him to nights out etc but only if it's specifically a 'partners are invited' kind of event - normally it's just our group of girls and no partners.

It doesn't bother him at all, he gets on fine with all of my friends but he's not really interested in building real friendships with them and certainly wouldn't consider that he'd made a promise to them if them coming over had been casually discussed a few times and I'd not sorted it out.

I guess some people (me ) just prefer to keep things a bit separate.

Egghead81 · 21/05/2021 09:20

I had a boyfriend in the past with whom I was happy with. A nice guy.

But bloody hell.... every time we got together with my friends he would dominate the conversation. My friends liked him but it got to the point where it was a little much and so I started to pull away from socialising with them with him.

I ended up meeting them for coffees at my work lunch break and simply not mentioning to him.

Original poster

HideAndSeeking · 21/05/2021 09:26

That's not on. Explains why he’s an ex.

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