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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a right to know where my husband slept?

91 replies

torntoshredsyeah · 19/05/2021 23:28

Me and my husbands marriage is over that much is sure. We have had such an awful two years, nothing awful has happened, we just can't get it together and get on the same page. Everything I say leads to an argument, he says he respects me but it doesn't feel like he does at all.

I have begged for marriage counselling, he says no. There is no other woman, it is simply a case of him not loving me anymore. The other night he came home early from work for the first time in ages. We ate together as a family ( us and 3 kids). After putting the kids to bed we were tidying up, got into another argument (must note these arguments aren't shouting and screaming but more so a disagreement) he then said he was going for a walk but he never came back.

The next night when he came home and I asked him where he slept the night before he wouldn't tell me, saying it was none of my business anymore. Eventually he said he went to his office, had a few drinks and crashed out.

AIBU to think that as his wife, not even officially separated, I have a right to know where he slept?

OP posts:
DaphneDuBois · 19/05/2021 23:28

Of course you do. What’s he hiding?

Voomster953 · 19/05/2021 23:29

I wouldn’t believe that story. It sounds like it’s time for him to leave.

UhtredRagnarson · 19/05/2021 23:31

No, there is no right to know where your spouse was. You say the marriage is over, so why does it matter?

TheFoz · 19/05/2021 23:32

In your first sentence you say that the marriage is over so no, you have no right to know where he spent the night.

GabriellaMontez · 19/05/2021 23:33

Find a lawyer. Make plans. Flowers

Icanflyhigh · 19/05/2021 23:42

Something doesn't add up.
Your fist sentence says your marriage is over, so that tells me you've got no rights to demand to know where he slept, but if you ARE concerned there's another woman, I suggest getting ducks in a row.

omgthepain · 19/05/2021 23:42

Hi @torntoshredsyeah
If you admit the marriage is over he probably feels the same
Don't put yourself thru any more stress

Get a divorce and move on with your life and so what if he's been with another woman if your marriage is over it almost makes things easier and brings things to a head

You will meet someone new and lovely in time and wonder why you hung about for so long Smile

shipsforbrain · 19/05/2021 23:44

YANBU at all!

Original poster
torntoshredsyeah · 19/05/2021 23:50

Sorry all but yes although the marriage is over it is not something that has been discussed or expressed. Therefore, we both are plodding along under the unspoken agreement that our marriage is still intact although we are struggling. That's why I feel like I want to know where he stayed.

It would be a different matter if we had decided our marriage was over together however we haven't. At the moment we are still very much married and have not verbally agreed to a separation. Therefore I do think I have the right to know where he sleeps at night.

OP posts:
PixieLaLa · 19/05/2021 23:51

You said yourself the marriage is over, so no I don’t think you do have right to know where he was. Sorry OP I do feel for you Flowers

user1473878824 · 19/05/2021 23:54

I think you have to actually say to him “do you want our marriage to be over?” If the answer is no then a condition is counselling. If it’s yes you go on from there. The first one is a lot of work but would make you both happier. So is the second option.
I would absolutely want to know where he was but if you are really both completely done and just carrying on for the sake of it he probably just doesn’t care and slept in his office but thinks it’s not even worth talking about.

JaneyGotAGun · 19/05/2021 23:54

I wouldn't believe that there's no other woman tbh

3scape · 19/05/2021 23:56

You say the marriage is over.

You say he's told you he doesn't love you anymore.
I'm not sure I'd bring myself to care where he was spending his nights. He's checked out. You need to get things moving officially before these arguments become a general lack of respect that your children learn too. I think you're focusing on the wrong problem.

HollowTalk · 19/05/2021 23:58

If he's staying out overnight he really isn't assuming that the marriage is lasting. He's made a decision, hasn't he?

Original poster
torntoshredsyeah · 19/05/2021 23:59

@JaneyGotAGun he just wouldn't have a chance. He's either at home or work...most of the time work, which is how it's always been but only now starting to affect our marriage. I suppose that was until he disappeared for the night though Hmm I'm not naïve, anything is possible, I would just be very very very surprised if another woman. Even in his job it's male dominated. There are a few female admin staff but I know them as they have worked there for years and am friendly with them. If it was an affair it would need to be out with work and I just don't see when he'd manage it.

Thank you all to contributing.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2021 23:59

I think you do actually need to say the words "It's Over, I'm filing for divorce." The way you are living now is absurd. Get a solicitor and get this over with.

RightYesButNo · 20/05/2021 02:07

I’m sorry, OP, because I don’t want this to be harsh or painful, but every woman I know or have heard of who had the reasoning that her husband wasn’t having an affair because he was “too busy” or “wouldn’t have had the time,” was always wrong. Every single time. They leave work early once a week. They use their lunch breaks. They give their bosses an excuse for why they need to come in late or leave early. They do it at work with someone they work with, while on the clock. They do it with someone they may have only met in person once through work, and then start an affair after that. There’s ALWAYS a way.

If you feel that your marriage is over, even if you hadn’t both agreed before, and he has now stated that it’s over both by staying out all night and saying you don’t have a right to know where he is, then it’s time to prepare for divorce. I know that may stress you, but divorce may be less stressful than two straight years of arguments.

Ponoka7 · 20/05/2021 02:19

Anyone has time for other people. There's websites for just hook ups. Likewise there's people who we see everyday that things can build up with, including those working in coffee shops etc. You're getting hung up on this, as an distraction tactic. Your marriage is over, you now both need to agree on how to proceed.

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/05/2021 02:21

I think you're framing this wrong. You don't really have a right to know where another adult spent the night. You do have the right not to live with and not remain married to another adult who won't tell you where he spent the night.

You've already said the marriage is over, this is (yet another?) indication that your pretense at family life is breaking down too. Start implementing plans to move on without him in the best way you can.

5zeds · 20/05/2021 02:22

You have the right to behave in any way you please as does your husband.

DotCottan · 20/05/2021 03:01

@RightYesButNo

I’m sorry, OP, because I don’t want this to be harsh or painful, but every woman I know or have heard of who had the reasoning that her husband wasn’t having an affair because he was “too busy” or “wouldn’t have had the time,” was always wrong. Every single time. They leave work early once a week. They use their lunch breaks. They give their bosses an excuse for why they need to come in late or leave early. They do it at work with someone they work with, while on the clock. They do it with someone they may have only met in person once through work, and then start an affair after that. There’s ALWAYS a way.

If you feel that your marriage is over, even if you hadn’t both agreed before, and he has now stated that it’s over both by staying out all night and saying you don’t have a right to know where he is, then it’s time to prepare for divorce. I know that may stress you, but divorce may be less stressful than two straight years of arguments.

Agreed. You and the children shouldn’t live like this. The way he’s treating his family is incredibly toxic and dysfunctional and he clearly doesn’t respect you or value you or your opinions nor does he want to fight for this marriage. Can you really see yourself continuing to live like this? You owe it to yourself and the children to get a better life away from this negativity. You need to get the ball rolling before he tries to pull the rug from under your feet Flowers
1forAll74 · 20/05/2021 03:04

He just wanted a break from things for a few hours,and ponder on life things, whilst away from home.He didn't tell you where he was going, in case of anymore arguments.

AgentJohnson · 20/05/2021 03:23

It’s time to say the marriage is over out loud. He’s checked out.

FortunesFave · 20/05/2021 03:44

He may have met someone online OP. You'd be surprised. If I were you I would TELL him it was over and then make immediate moves. In fact, if you share finances, I would first secure those...making sure I had access to everything and that I also pulled out half of any savings. THEN I'd tell him it was over. One of two things will happen. He will beg you to stay OR he will agree and start spending more nights away.

I am so sorry

me4real · 20/05/2021 04:34

Absolutely, if anyone's husband disappeared for the night they would want to know where he was, as it could be with another woman etc, it's not like just going to the shops or something.

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