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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have a right to know where my husband slept?

91 replies

torntoshredsyeah · 19/05/2021 23:28

Me and my husbands marriage is over that much is sure. We have had such an awful two years, nothing awful has happened, we just can't get it together and get on the same page. Everything I say leads to an argument, he says he respects me but it doesn't feel like he does at all.

I have begged for marriage counselling, he says no. There is no other woman, it is simply a case of him not loving me anymore. The other night he came home early from work for the first time in ages. We ate together as a family ( us and 3 kids). After putting the kids to bed we were tidying up, got into another argument (must note these arguments aren't shouting and screaming but more so a disagreement) he then said he was going for a walk but he never came back.

The next night when he came home and I asked him where he slept the night before he wouldn't tell me, saying it was none of my business anymore. Eventually he said he went to his office, had a few drinks and crashed out.

AIBU to think that as his wife, not even officially separated, I have a right to know where he slept?

OP posts:

Moonmelodies · 20/05/2021 10:34

I guess if you're unhappy you should leave, and come to some kind of arrangement with him so you can visit the kids as and when.

Original poster

torntoshredsyeah · 20/05/2021 11:00

Some of you are being pedantic. Okay I used the incorrect term, I may not have the 'right' to know but a bit of common bloody decency wouldn't go amiss.

OP posts:

PaperbackRider · 20/05/2021 11:03

It would be a different matter if we had decided our marriage was over together however we haven't

But you clearly both have individually. It's done. You're over. Why do you even care where he slept at this point?

LondonStone · 20/05/2021 11:49

I was in a very similar situation myself (not married but been together 8 years). We were both checked out but not officially - neither of us had ever said it out loud. We had lots of arguments, we never spent [quality] time together and we were just going through the motions really. I never thought there would be another woman because despite the rocky relationship, his routine was pretty accountable for.

The breaking point was him not coming home one night. We’d had a small argument over the phone during the day and he said he was going out after work with workmates. I knew a lot of them and generally didn’t have any cause for concern but when he didn’t come home I knew exactly who he was with (based on the fact she was the only female in his age range) and it was over when he got home the next day.

I found out later there was lots of messaging and sexual videos between them but that night was the first time they did anything physically so that explains why his time keeping checked out, I still class it as cheating though.

MorganKitten · 20/05/2021 12:45

Me and my husbands marriage is over that much is sure.

Then no, you don’t have the right to know, it’s over.

BusyLizzie61 · 20/05/2021 12:56

@torntoshredsyeah
Common decency is something that frequently flies out of the window when you've decided to end a relationship !

KurtWilde · 20/05/2021 13:00

@torntoshredsyeah

Some of you are being pedantic. Okay I used the incorrect term, I may not have the 'right' to know but a bit of common bloody decency wouldn't go amiss.

Of course you can expect it, but unfortunately when a relationship ends most don't feel like they owe the other an explanation of where they've been. I know it's sucks OP, I learned this the hard way too. To you it's common decency, but to them it's the start of cutting ties.

SnarkyBag · 20/05/2021 13:31

Rather than moving forward with ending the marriage you’re avoiding it a looking for things to continue arguing about. The fact he left and doesn’t want to discuss where he was is just another tick in the box to say the relationship is over. Because you’re still married and argue a lot anyway it’s just habit to want to feel affronted and argue about this too.

RedToothBrush · 20/05/2021 13:33

@torntoshredsyeah

Some of you are being pedantic. Okay I used the incorrect term, I may not have the 'right' to know but a bit of common bloody decency wouldn't go amiss.

The point remains though. You think you can demand to know where he was. And you don't believe him. Basically you want him to sleep somewhere according to your terms and conditions. This is controlling however you phrase it. And its indicative of a complete breakdown of respect and trust in your relationship.

The question still remains 'so what are you going to do about it?' and the presence of another party still remains irrelevant.

To my mind it strikes me that the pedant isn't other posters. Its you who doesn't want this spelt out to you bluntly.

thenewduchessofhastings · 20/05/2021 13:40

@torntoshredsyeah

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Let's look at the facts here;your marriage isn't working,you've taken the right steps to try to salvage the situation and ask your DH to try relationship counselling but he refused.He doesn't love you anymore and clearly doesn't respect you either.

The thing you need to to focus on is yourself and your future.It's time to start moving forward and stop living a half life.

You need to tell him your marriage is over and start preparations for the dissolution of your marriage.

Good luck

BertramLacey · 20/05/2021 13:41

@torntoshredsyeah

Some of you are being pedantic. Okay I used the incorrect term, I may not have the 'right' to know but a bit of common bloody decency wouldn't go amiss.

It's not about pedantry. Within any relationship some people do assume they have certain rights. We don't know you and have only a few words on the page to go on. So yes, I will pick up on the term and seek to clarify it, in case you are one of those people who do assume they have rights.

1FootInTheRave · 20/05/2021 13:54

There is almost certainly someone else. Literally every cliche in the book going on here.

It's over.

There is no love, not even respect, left.

LeafBeetle · 20/05/2021 14:09

OP, I used to work long hours in a male dominated environment. Honestly I was shocked at the number of affairs going on between the senior male staff and the female admin staff.

NoMLMbots · 20/05/2021 16:46

@Aquamarine1029

I think you do actually need to say the words "It's Over, I'm filing for divorce." The way you are living now is absurd. Get a solicitor and get this over with.

This

Cactusesi · 21/05/2021 08:10

The OP wants to be able to blame her Husband for the break up of the marriage so it is important he has an affair.

Selkie1961 · 21/05/2021 08:14

You have the right to respond how you see fit to your husband staying out all night.

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