I have a right to know where my husband slept?

[torntoshredsyeah]

Me and my husbands marriage is over that much is sure. We have had such an awful two years, nothing awful has happened, we just can't get it together and get on the same page. Everything I say leads to an argument, he says he respects me but it doesn't feel like he does at all.

I have begged for marriage counselling, he says no. There is no other woman, it is simply a case of him not loving me anymore. The other night he came home early from work for the first time in ages. We ate together as a family ( us and 3 kids). After putting the kids to bed we were tidying up, got into another argument (must note these arguments aren't shouting and screaming but more so a disagreement) he then said he was going for a walk but he never came back.

The next night when he came home and I asked him where he slept the night before he wouldn't tell me, saying it was none of my business anymore. Eventually he said he went to his office, had a few drinks and crashed out.

AIBU to think that as his wife, not even officially separated, I have a right to know where he slept?

You don't have a "right to know" where he slept.
He is a grown man, an individual, free to make his own choices.
Being a wife doesn't give you special rights about how he conducts his life.

The consequences for your relationship of doing so is quite another matter.

@torntoshredsyeah there's always a way as others have said. Sorry.

He claims to have respect for you but clearly doesn't if he feels he can just waltz off for the night leaving you to deal with 3 kids on your own. You say it's always disagreements not shouting or screaming but if my partner did that I would be so angry. Especially if they then wouldn't tell me where they were.

Just be aware to the possibility it could be someone else, it could even be someone online like reconnecting with a old flame on social media

Eventually he said he went to his office, had a few drinks and crashed out.

AIBU to think that as his wife, not even officially separated, I have a right to know where he slept?

He told you where he slept. You've already said he isn't having an affair, so whether he slept on a park bench, office floor, or in the car, it's really irrelevant where.

If your marriage is over then I don’t see why he has to tell you where he slept. Sounds like it’s very much over for him too so Kanye it’s time to start divorcing him and separating?

I would guess that if he’s trying to hide another woman then that’s a problem. Because that could be the reason that your marriage just can’t seem to work out... and could have an affect on any impending divorce.... so from that POV yes, I think you should know.

He's told you where he slept. He said he crashed out in his office. Whether this is true or whether you believe this or not is neither here nor there really as it's clear that your marriage is over.

Of course in a good relationship, one person would tell the other if they were planning to stay out and where they were saying, but I don't know why you're fixating on this one event as it's clearly just one amongst many.

Whether he slept at the office, on a friend's sofa or another woman's bed, not coming home and not telling you is a very clear message in itself and I think you'd have done better to have completely ignored his absence, tbh.

You both sound incredibly unhappy and stuck.

Lockdown has been awful and relentless. How much of it is that?

Could be be depressed?

I’m sorry because its very tough being in this sort of situation.

Your marriage is over. See a solicitor as soon as possible and organise your life without him.

No matter how much you want to know, it doesn't matter where he was. What matters is that he has checked out of your marriage, so you need to protect yourself against any financial or other moves he makes.

Sounds like he’d got another woman lined up for the night and came home early from work then staged an argument to give him an excuse to go out. Sorry OP. Time to get the divorce ball rolling.

Cut it off at the head and be done with it.

The decision doesn't have to be his, you have equal say. Take control and get advice. Tell him you are out and follow through. The sooner you get to a place where you don't give a rats arse where he is, the better. Let someone else have the 'joy' of him. : )

@torntoshredsyeah

Sorry all but yes although the marriage is over it is not something that has been discussed or expressed. Therefore, we both are plodding along under the unspoken agreement that our marriage is still intact although we are struggling. That's why I feel like I want to know where he stayed.

It would be a different matter if we had decided our marriage was over together however we haven't. At the moment we are still very much married and have not verbally agreed to a separation. Therefore I do think I have the right to know where he sleeps at night.

Sorry. Maybe he is having an affair. But you are not "the one" that gets to decide the marriage is over but you still have loads of "rights" because you haven't said so. There's no such rights anyway. Honestly, it sounds like a bloody nightmare life and if he decided that it's so bad he has to leave the home, then that is his "right". It isn't slavery.

I think you're framing this wrong. You don't really have a right to know where another adult spent the night. You do have the right not to live with and not remain married to another adult who won't tell you where he spent the night.

This. I don't think you have a right to know where he spent the night. I do think that if he cared for you and respected you he would tell you. That he hasn't just confirms what you know - that the marriage is over.

he just wouldn't have a chance. He's either at home or work...most of the time work

There's always time. When I had an affair it was pretending to go to work and actually meeting, taking annual leave the partner didn't know about, sneaking of work an hour early and 'staying' an hour late, meeting to do chores together like IKEA or the supermarket, going for a run or walk and meeting then. There's always time.

Sorry op but I agree with others. I’m thinking there is an ow on the fringes somewhere. Maybe they haven’t met socially yet, and it’s just a very close friendship atm, but he has checked out of the marriage because he wants to be somewhere else. I had similar when my DH had an affair. He sometimes used orchestrate arguments and then disappear overnight. You say he left work early one day, so he could be doing that more regular and meeting someone without you knowing. Trust me, most of us who have been there have said the same - no time for ow, would never do that to us/kids, but it happens. A lot.

No I dont think you have the right yo know what he is up to if you are officially separated. Why are you even together if you are separated. It makes no sense.

@Viviennemary from the OP 'NOT even officially separated', emphasis added.

Now I'm off to bang my head against a wall somewhere.

Me too.

Even if you are happily married you NEVER have the RIGHT to know where your partner is. The fact you think its a right is telling in itself.

A marriage works on trust and respect. In a healthy marriage you would ALWAYS let your partner know where you were overnight no matter what (unless there was a physical reason this was impossible and plans weren't in place to facilitate this possibility - aka as an emergency or a deliberate planned travel scenario). Simply because thats basic level respect and you don't want your partner to break down.

Your marriage is over. You say it. He's said he doesn't love you and is showing you by his actions. You can not control him. You don't own him even if you are married. Its the very thing that screams 'get a divorce lawyer NOW'. You need to separate yourself financial asap because you don't have trust and he isn't respecting you - that could lead to problems.

Whether he has another woman is actually irrelevant at this point. It does not matter in terms of where you go from here. Its done.

Stop procasinating. Stop living in the drama limbo. Just get the fuck on with it. What exactly are you waiting for? Him to admit his sins? For him to apologise and say he was wrong and wants to be with you and does love you afterall? For you to throw a massive pointless barny over not knowing where he was last night, which he ultimately doesn't give a shit about and just thinks your trying to control him? (Which is actually right btw, whether you like it or not).

Just get get the hell on with it. The more you just let it fester the more bitter it will get. And the more he will be more resistant and difficult in the future - and thats about the kids.

Your choice. Balls in your court. What are you going to do?

No. You have no rights beyond what's legally given to you. The relationship as an entity is over and by default he no longer has a responsibility to tell you anything.

You risk coming across as controlling if you pursue that line if you having a right to know again.

make plans and best of luck

If the OP had walked out after the argument and stayed out all night would the husband have every right to know where she was? She would be accused of abandoning her children. It doesn't seem to apply to him though?
The marriage in question is all but over from what I have read so the next sensible step would be make it official and get child access and finances sorted. Easier said than done I know, nothing in these situations is simple and straightforward.