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AIBU?

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Original poster

I have a right to know where my husband slept?

91 replies

torntoshredsyeah · 19/05/2021 23:28

Me and my husbands marriage is over that much is sure. We have had such an awful two years, nothing awful has happened, we just can't get it together and get on the same page. Everything I say leads to an argument, he says he respects me but it doesn't feel like he does at all.

I have begged for marriage counselling, he says no. There is no other woman, it is simply a case of him not loving me anymore. The other night he came home early from work for the first time in ages. We ate together as a family ( us and 3 kids). After putting the kids to bed we were tidying up, got into another argument (must note these arguments aren't shouting and screaming but more so a disagreement) he then said he was going for a walk but he never came back.

The next night when he came home and I asked him where he slept the night before he wouldn't tell me, saying it was none of my business anymore. Eventually he said he went to his office, had a few drinks and crashed out.

AIBU to think that as his wife, not even officially separated, I have a right to know where he slept?

OP posts:
QueenVikki · 20/05/2021 04:57

You’ve admitted to yourself that it is over and now you need to admit it to each other and get the ball rolling with the divorce. It’s not really plausible that he slept in his office but even if it were true it does indeed show that he has checked out of the marriage.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 20/05/2021 05:06

You do absolutely have a right to know where someone you live with is, regardless of the marital situation. Just a simple text to know they are ok and have not gone under a bus.

RantyAnty · 20/05/2021 05:25

You don't have to decide together to divorce.

Don't expect him to be upfront, honest or fair at this point.
For all you know, he could be getting his ducks in a row.

Ask yourself if you want a divorce. If you do, get your ducks in a row and get legal advice.

Newestname001 · 20/05/2021 05:26

@Aquamarine1029

I think you do actually need to say the words "It's Over, I'm filing for divorce." The way you are living now is absurd. Get a solicitor and get this over with.

Yes, but, before you do say this, get your facts together (financial information for both of you incl savings and pensions information, how much mortgage you still have, existing equity etc) and quietly speak to a solicitor to get your head in gear) so you have as much as the facts before you actually tell him it's over and file for divorce. Ensure you have sufficient funds in an account only you have access to so you're not left high and dry if he kicks off. I see so many wives on MN saying "I told him I'm leaving/divorcing him and he's cleared our accounts). There's at least one thread currently running saying exactly this. 🌹

PuppyMonkeyBaby · 20/05/2021 05:31

@1forAll74

He just wanted a break from things for a few hours,and ponder on life things, whilst away from home.He didn't tell you where he was going, in case of anymore arguments.
How do you know? Are you him?
ivykaty44 · 20/05/2021 05:36

The disagreements are staged IMO and there is someone in the sidelines- sorry to say.

Your not going mad, there is stuff going on you don’t know about

sunshinesontv · 20/05/2021 05:37

It sounds as if you have both reached the same conclusion, that the marriage is over, but just need to have that conversation.

It doesn't really matter who is at fault as I am sure that you both think that the other is responsible for the disagreements.

It is certainly very disrespectful of him to stay out all night and refuse to tell you where he had been, and does somewhat escalate things.

He could have been with someone else, or somewhere completely innocent and wanting you to think that he was with someone else. I guess you may never know, but either way need to now have that tricky conversation and start making plans.

And btw - every woman I know who thought that her husband wouldn't have time for an affair, was wrong. They go to work 15 minutes early, or walk the dog, or pop out for milk, or get stuck in traffic, or book annual leave.

sandgrown · 20/05/2021 05:50

I think he should have at least let you know he was staying out . It’s just simple respect and stops you worrying something has happened to him plus what gives him the right to just abandon his children for a night. I think you may have reached the point of no return. Gather all the information you need and important documents and make sure he can’t clear any joint accounts then go see a solicitor. Armed with the information you can tell him you want a formal separation. Good luck OP. It won’t be easy but you could have a better life ahead.

CassandraTrotter · 20/05/2021 05:53

What was the arguement about and who started it?

Was it staged as a excuse to leave the house?

AlmostSummer21 · 20/05/2021 06:07

I'm sorry things are the way they are.

I don't want to upset you either, but if there's not another woman I'll eat my phone. Anyone can make time fir an affair & you knowing the women he works with means nothing. Best friends, sisters etc have affairs with their friends/sisters husbands.

He's most likely causing all these disagreements at home to (in his mind) justify him having this affair (we weren't getting on).

Other than being deceitful & hurtful, in a practical sense, it doesn't really matter. He's checked out & he doesn't love you enough to tell you he's not coming home & where he is, even if he's pissed off, you don't do that to someone you love.

Free yourself from this (now) awful relationship. Being single is MUCH better than living like this.

Gather all the financial & go and see a solicitor.

You CAN do this.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 20/05/2021 06:07

I don't think anyone has the right to know where another adult is, especially after the fact. It is courtesy to let someone you live with know.

Stop asking him, he is obviously enjoying not telling you and playing a game, even he if did tell you something now you wouldn't know he was telling the truth.

JackANackAnoreeee · 20/05/2021 06:14

I don't necessarily think you have a right to know. By the sound of it your marriage is effectively over. That said any half decent, considerate person would have let you know so you didn't sit up worrying the father of your kids had been hit by a car or something.

Crispychillibeef · 20/05/2021 06:14

You're naive if you think he wouldn't have an affair.

If it's been an awful two years and you feel your marriage is over, why the hell aren't you separated?

Suzi888 · 20/05/2021 06:18

Why NOT tell you? By saying what he did, he knew he was going to cause another argument- but did it anyway.
I don’t think he’s necessarily having an affair, but neither of you seem happy....

Shoxfordian · 20/05/2021 06:26

It sounds like you need to face up to it and talk to him about ending the marriage

KatherineJaneway · 20/05/2021 06:34

Sorry all but yes although the marriage is over it is not something that has been discussed or expressed.

You say your marriage is over. Can he not have come to the same conclusion as you but also not said anything?

blackcat86 · 20/05/2021 06:36

I'm not sure why you weirdly focused on your 'right to know where he slept' because no you actually don't have a right. He's an adult and you're not his jailer. That said, his refusal to tell you really says it all doesn't it because if it was just innocently staying with a friend or relative it would be easy enough to give you the details. I always have issues with parents who disappear overnight. What is something had happened to a child or whatever and he wasn't contactable? Very irresponsible. Surely this is a sign that you both need to move forward with a formal separation if he isn't willing to be honest and lay his cards on the table.

Cactusesi · 20/05/2021 06:42

You are not his mother or his jailer. He doesn't have to tell you anything.

Your rights are to divorce him if you have grounds or to have him arrested if he commits a criminal offence.

I suspect he doesn't want to live with you but he wants to live with his children.

Sure get your ducks in line, but remember in the modern world there is a reasonable chance he could have the children 50% of the time.

LeafBeetle · 20/05/2021 06:50

I think he was with another woman, sorry OP.

CovidCorvid · 20/05/2021 06:54

I’d suspect there’s another woman. Everything you say leads to an argument? That’s likely to be him looking to cause arguements so down the line he can say he had to leave because you were so horrible/unreasonable, etc all you did was argue and make him miserable. He can then accuse you of driving him to someone else.....he will reinvent history and probably believe it himself.

MaMaD1990 · 20/05/2021 07:14

If you're marriage is over (even if unspoken) why do you care where he slept?

daisypond · 20/05/2021 07:18

No, of course you don’t have a right to know where he slept. Even if you were both happily married, you still don’t have any rights over another adult human being. They aren’t your property.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 20/05/2021 07:20

In my opinion it's neither here nor there at this stage . Does it even matter? Don't sweat the small stuff , put your energies into separating , you'll be so much happier a year from now.
Good luck OP and look to the future, the past is gone.

WeAllHaveWings · 20/05/2021 07:21

You know your marriage is over, he probably knows his marriage is over, your kids probably know the marriage is over, you are focusing on this as a deflection to dealing with the real problem.

Say the words to each other and for the sake of your dc get on with your separate lives.

Mummadeze · 20/05/2021 07:26

I feel for you. My relationship is the same. I still get upset if he disappears and doesn’t let me know. Partly because it is courtesy when you live with someone, partly because of the injustice that I could never just waltz off and stay out overnight even if I did tell him in advance and partly because I probably do still care a bit and feel jealous. It is not a great situation and if you can get out of yours I am sure you will be happier in the long run. I know separating can also feel impossible however. So you have my sympathy. You are not the only one going through this.

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