To be really shocked and surprised by dds continuously oppositional behaviour? Can anyone tell me why she's like this and that I can do?

[Falaffeleybollocks]

Dd is 6. Her father and I share care following a difficult split when she was 1. She has settled into the routine between the 2 houses which is a long held and reliable routine and behaves well at school. With me however she will simply refuse, avoid or be oppositional to each and every suggestion and request pretty much all day. She is sunny tempered and fun so at first ie at the beginning of a Saturday or from when I pick her up from school I don't notice that actually she is oppositional to pretty much every request or suggestion until I am asking to sit down for dinner or wash her hands or not to get up and dance during dinner... And then lose my rag. Last weekend I was sobbing by 11.30 am as after 4 hours of it I felt broken. She also lies, frankly, continuously about anything that she thinks she can do there is also a continuous stream of tall tales that I actually don't know what to make of. She is very bright I can see that, (working at greater depth in all areas, always has) so is she just running rings around me?
I genuinely do not understand what is going on. Is this disrupted attachment as she experienced a lot of distress going between homes when a little baby, which I feel terrible about but was court ordered? Is she just a cheeky kid who is getting away with what she can with me? Is this some form of pda or odd?
Or am I just a crap parent?
When I have asked her in a calm moment when we are just relaxing together she says its just with me and dad and she doesn't like how we boss her around.
Any help much appreciated!

I could have written your post.

It's exhausting.

Hoping someone comes along with some good advice for both of us. x

She's smart and understimulated.

1. She lies to you because she thinks she's smart enough to get away with it - she thinks she's smarter than you.
2. She refuses to do things you ask her to do because she thinks she knows best and has figured out that she doesn't HAVE to do what you tell her to do.
3. She does things she wants to do because she's bored. The activities you're doing aren't challenging her.

Try to get her into activities where she can excel, where she'll be challenged and where she'll learn something new - like a sport or an instrument. Preferably make it something you don't know much about so she can teach you about it and she doesn't need to lie. It's also a "privilege" that you can remove if she won't behave herself and do as you ask.

Oh gosh my just turned 7yo boy has been like this for about a year. Baffles me because I was never like this but did have older siblings to learn from. He also has mastered the really crap negotiating technique along the lines of, I'll ask him to get his pyjamas on for bed and he'll say "mummy if you let me have my tablet, I'll put my pyjamas on tomorrow". Meanwhile his 5yo brother has snuck off into the kitchen/ bathroom to make a massive mess. The very same kitchen or bathroom he's afraid to go in alone.
Hoping for advise too.

Hmm I think you're right crumpet - but bering in mind she will do nothing I ask what could it be?? I'm tempted to get her Minecraft or similar? Or chess against the computer maybe so I can give her the laptop as currently she doesn't have a device.

@ClawedButler you too, including the shared care? Does anything whatsoever help you?

......And then lose my rag.

What does this entail? What’s the trigger, your behaviour, the frequency and and intensity? How does it de escalate and resolve?

Sorry to ask such a hard Q for you to reflect on. I do understand being at end of your tether (been there, done that) but I now know that I needed better coping strategies and support to remain calm and peaceful.

IMHO this is your starting point.

Id recommend reading the following:
How to talk so kids will listen
Playful parenting
The explosive child

My youngest DC was like this, it is called ODD or Oppositional Defiancd Disorder. Generally you need special parenting lessons to deal with an ODD child. My DC also has ASD as well on top.

The trigger is one no too many that means that the situation has become non functioning ie refusing to allow me to apply cream to a festering graze, getting up to dance for the third time during dinner. I will then shout 'for God's sake do as I've asked' in a strangulated voice so probably half volume full shout. I then immediately apologise to her and to everyone for shouting. She then reluctantly does what is asked. I then apologise again.

Will read thanks
Not explosive though
Very sociable
Obeys all adults in authority except her dad and I

Yy to PACE I've been reading about and
Yy I have ordered the how to talk so kids will. Listen book

Sorry to hear of the odd and asc, plan. Was anything helpful at the parenting class?

It's attention, OP. Nothing more. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad.

It's really hard, but you catch her doing something good and praise praise praise, and you ignore the bad. Even if you have to go outside and kick a wall/scream into a pillow. She's just pressing buttons to get a reaction. Once you remove the reaction, you remove the reward.

What days is she with you, and who else lives in your house?

Another vote for How to Talk so Kids will listen
Examples you’ve given don’t sound too bad tbh, though I totally get the accumulation and lose my rag sometimes.
Maybe get up and dance with her at dinner (talk to her about restaurants/clubs where adults do this but also some restaurants where they take away away your food if you leave the table), teach her to put her own cream on - especially if she is bright

Is she getting a lot of focus on her from both parents due to the situation?

Maybe she wants to do her own thing a bit more iyswim and just be left alone s bit.

I assume she's at school so could be tired.

Who else is in the house?

She does it to you and her dad as she is secure in your love iyswim. It's normal for kids to be good with everyone except their parents.

Look up PATHOLOGICAL DEMAND AVOIDANCE.

TLDR: reduce demands, make absolutely everything a game...

And/or

Maybe she finds the house switching really challenging.

Choices are good.

I think many children do this at around this age don't they?

Just no to everything...

How well do you and her dad communicate? Do you present a united front?

@Falaffeleybollocks

The trigger is one no too many that means that the situation has become non functioning ie refusing to allow me to apply cream to a festering graze, getting up to dance for the third time during dinner. I will then shout 'for God's sake do as I've asked' in a strangulated voice so probably half volume full shout. I then immediately apologise to her and to everyone for shouting. She then reluctantly does what is asked. I then apologise again.

Apply cream to graze - give her a choice - you do it or she does it.

Dancing during dinner - before you sit down to dinner be clear what the expectation is (ie we will all sit own for dinner and will only leave if need the loo or dinner is finished) and what the consequence is if she breaks the expectation (ie loss of time on iPad/TV etc). If she stays sitting, praise her, put a sticker on a chart and at the end of the week she gets a treat (give her a choice between two things she can earn for good behaviour).

You don't say who else is living with you, but they too would have to follow the expectation.

Unless she is showing this behaviour at school too when she will be receiving instructions from the teacher, then I do not feel it's ODD or PDA.

My 9 year old DD is like this.

Her 13 year old brother was like this too but has grown out if it.

Shared care here too. I think it's the only form of control they have as they are shipped between houses. I just continuously say 'Well I am the adult, you have to go to school/brush your teeth/eat your tea/get dressed/get a shower' like a droning, grey, rock. But tbh the only thing that seems to work is that their brain matures and they grow up and bored of always causing drama.

Sorry to hear this OP. Interesting what she said about her perception you boss her around. I wonder if she doesn't quite understand the rules/boundaries/consequences/what you expect to her. Confusion=frustration and frustration equals acting out. Are you and Ex consistent with boundaries etc? I totally understand if you have different parenting styles, but if so it'd be worth having a clear convo with her about why things are different at different houses x sounds like she's open to talking so just keep the lines of communication open as it sounds like you are. However I do think six is a tricky/in between age too! X

Thanks all.
We have to try very hard to present a united front now as for a long time ie about 4 years it was a struggle for us to speak to one another.

But we do now.

The week is split in half and she goes between houses with her older brother and at my house my partner lives as well, with whom she has a positive relationship and he backs me up 100 per cent.

This is why shared care doesn't work for very small children .sorry I know it was court ordered but do these court folk not understand children need a permanent home and not shoved from pillar to post every week and not to actually have a main home is got to be traumatizing .no wonder she us acting out .PDA is an actial developmental health condition. Usually linked to autism ..I feel sorry for her and you

My 9 year old argues with everything l say too....absolute angel for other people including her dad who we do live with - just feel like l am her safe place but jeez it drives me crazy.
So l pick my battles and on the times she doesn't argue l always tell her how lovely it was that she did what l asked.

Yes @newtolineofduty I think you could be right there - we do have different parenting styles, he is far more black and white and will enforce a punishment for a long period ie will take a previous toy for a fortnight for disobedience. I think that's all way to harsh and am in general more lenient. While I can see that if I was as strict as exh id have less problems I genuinely don't have it in me to be like that towards them and while I don't think I'm wishy washy and over lenient Id rather it all ended on a hug than endless sobbing

Unless she is showing this behaviour at school too when she will be receiving instructions from the teacher, then I do not feel it's ODD or PDA.

You may feel this, but it's not true, especially in the case of PDA at this age. Children with PDA can be master maskers.

As for the poster with the autistic child displaying ODD, it's more likely to be PDA if autism is also present as PDA is a subset of autism.

From what you're saying OP however your child doesn't display any autistic traits? Is that right? They can look v different in girls.

Does she struggle to sit still?

It could be ODD, that often comes with aggression and violence though, but would tally with the lying whereas autistic children are generally crap at lying. It could also be developmental trauma or attachment issues as you ponder on in your OP.

My first thought is that it sounds like you're possibly making a lot of demands on her, if by 11.30am you're in tears with her refusals.

So my first step would be to reduce demands. Massively pick your battles. Really think about WHY things are important to you. Does it REALLY matter if she gets up from the table? Why? Choose maybe 2/3 things that are really important to you to enforce (they need to be specific so you can't choose, say, "doing as I say") and forget the rest.

Secondly it sounds like she could be dysregulated going between both houses and struggling with having two parents telling her what to do, possibly different rules in each house, and not feeling safe?
Have you done much work on this? Does she open up and express her emotions?

How much fun and laughter do you have on the average day?