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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fed Up - Shouting DH

83 replies

notlongtogo82 · 19/05/2021 08:20

Should point out that I am currently 38 weeks pregnant so very hormonal and getting to the point of being fed up in general but have spent most of the last night in tears over this!

Dh shouts at me - a lot. He likes things done a certain way and has a very small tolerance for anyone who does anything differently to how he would do something.

He works shifts and is currently on nights this week. This isn't unusual but means during the day I pick up everything around the house including school drop off and pick up for DD(4), wfh still (1 week left) and all the day to day stuff, but I then can't do a lot of washing or tidying up as putting the washing machine/dishwasher on keeps him awake so the house looks like something has exploded in it.

We also have a regular food delivery which comes in the evening. Dh was asleep when it turned up last night. I used to lift the trays into the kitchen and empty them there, but being pregnant at the moment I can't lift them, and understandably the driver cannot carry them in for me. So when the food shop turned up last night, the driver put the trays by the door and I knelt down by them and started unloading the items i the hallway, with DD 'helping'.

Dh was woken up by the shop arriving, came down as I was about half way through the trays, pretty much moved me out of the way and carried the remaining trays into the kitchen, and then once the driver had left proceeded to shout at me for how stupid I had been and looked kneeling down on the floor emptying the trays, how I should have woken him up, made the driver wait and not started until he was up.

He was meant to be out last night playing sport and was only in because it was cancelled due to the weather at earlier that day - so when I challenged him on what he expected me to do if he wasn't there he didn't have an answer.

Later on he was still going on about it at this point I pretty much in tears, and the started picking on some other things that I had done wrong. I just got fed up, so stopped listening, as if I said ok yes won't do it next time he had a go at me, but if I tried to argue or defend myself as to why I did something that way he had a go at me.

when putting DD to bed last night she broke my heart and asked why daddy shouts at me so much!

At that point i needed some space so I went and sorted some washing out that I had managed to put on earlier, and then when I got into the living room, DH moaned that he had been waiting for me to watch our programme before work but now didn't have time!

Just so fed up of feeling like everything I do is wrong when all I try and do is everything for DH & DD and the new arrival!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 19/05/2021 08:23

It sounds like he isn’t a good person to be married to. It’s not ok for him to shout at you like this. Are you dependent on his income? Can you think about whether you want to stay with him?

Voomster953 · 19/05/2021 08:25

He’s is a very nasty piece of work. Has he always behaved in this fashion? Or is he stepping it up now you’re pregnant?
Does he just stand there berating you and shouting over you? Does he shout at your daughter?

He sounds like a nasty bully who’s actually totally inadequate and is therefore abusing you to make himself feel better.

I’m sorry. It’s very toxic.

3scape · 19/05/2021 08:25

He sounds awful. He shouldn't be shouting at people, why does he get so angry? He needs to let you deal with things that need doing in the house, he sounds like a controlling wanker with insisting things are done his way.

flashylamp · 19/05/2021 08:25

Dh shouts at me - a lot. He likes things done a certain way and has a very small tolerance for anyone who does anything differently to how he would do something.

It's a shame you don't have a small tolerance for him - why on earth do you live like that?

AnxiousFTMFriendlyAdvicePlease · 19/05/2021 08:25

This is totally unacceptable behaviour from him and must not be allowed to continue. He should be your biggest supporter but he is emotionally abusing you. You need to sit him down and tell him in no uncertain terms this must stop immediately or he will lose his whole family with his abusive behaviour. Suggest counselling but set a time limit for change. With a new baby arriving you just can’t carry on like this. When your little daughter is recognising his behaviour why can’t he? Is he happy for her to be witnessing this and learning that men can treat women like that?
Flowers

CrazyCatsAndKittens · 19/05/2021 08:25

I don’t think it’s ok for him to shout at you at all. I don’t blame you for being upset.

SummerWhisper · 19/05/2021 08:29

He is an abusive prick. You have done nothing wrong. The focus must be on his abusive behaviour and how you can safely leave him, not on your actions. He is horrible and doesn't respect you or your daughter. Please speak to Women's Aid in the first instance. Sending lots of love to you today Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2021 08:29

when putting DD to bed last night she broke my heart and asked why daddy shouts at me so much

If this isn't a massive wake-up call to get out of this abusive marriage, I don't know what is. Your husband's abuse has already impacted your child, and it will only get worse. Her view of relationships will be tainted forever growing up in an environment like this. I've been married for 25 years and my husband has never shouted at me, nor I to him, because it's unacceptable. Raise your standards for how you expect to be treated and get rid of this arsehole.

pinkyredrose · 19/05/2021 08:29

He's an aggressive cunt. Has he always been like this?

moanyhole · 19/05/2021 08:32

For the sake of yourself your daughter and unborn baby get away from this man. This is constant bullying.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 19/05/2021 08:36

Please don't bring your DC up in an abusive household, it's incredibly damaging for them and you.
Can you ask him to leave?
Would he do so without a fight?
Do you have an income you can live off independently?
Speak to a solicitor about your options and push for a divorce ASAP, this is no way for you or your DC to live.

DancesWithTortoises · 19/05/2021 08:38

Tesco drivers will carry crates into the kitchen and unpack in those circumstances. Not much use to you now but it may help others.

Your DP is a prick.

Grimacingfrog · 19/05/2021 08:53

I'd seriously consider whether you can put up with this for the rest of your life. Your husband is abusive OP. I'm so sorry. Don't do couples counselling, he would just manipulate the process (I bet he doesn't shout at other people, just you). I'd suggest you have some individual counselling to build up your own confidence, which must have been affected by his behaviour. But don't tell him about it as he would sabotage it. You can even do this online while he's at work.

Zzelda · 19/05/2021 08:57

You need a conversation with him about the fact that the shouting has to stop if he wants his marriage to survive. The fact that your daughter has noticed means that it is now affecting her, and it's a matter of time before he starts shouting at the children. He presumably copes at work without shouting at everyone, so I'm sure he can control it.

Oysterbabe · 19/05/2021 08:58

You're in an abusive relationship and you need to get out for the good of your DD and the new baby. I realise that it's going to be incredibly difficult but start thinking and putting plans in place. Do you have family near by? Could have a serious discussion with him where you tell him what DD said, that you refuse to have her grow up in that environment and that he needs to leave?

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 19/05/2021 08:59

Sigh. The simple truth is you're married to a an absolute cunt and you've clearly not been standing up to him at all. Why do you let him speak to you like a piece of shit? If you're quite happy to be miserable for the rest of your married life, and don't mind your kids having a crap childhood with a horrible shouting bully of a father, then carry on as you are.
If not, stand up to him, STOP letting him treat you like this, or kick him the fuck out.
I despair of threads like this, and the sheer number of passive women who need to find their anger and stop all this fucking shit

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/05/2021 09:00

God what a horrible man! And now even your 4yo has noticed.

Has he always been this way?

violetbunny · 19/05/2021 09:01

My dad was like this. As a child I never knew when he was going to go off on one and start shouting and ranting. I was highly anxious as a result, since I could never predict his behaviour. Just the smallest thing would set him off.

He needs to be told this is unacceptable, and if he won't stop them you will leave.

Out of interest, is he like this at work too? If not then that suggests it is deliberate as it is within his control.

Orangebug · 19/05/2021 09:01

He sounds like an absolute twat OP Sad

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/05/2021 09:04

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Sigh. The simple truth is you're married to a an absolute cunt and you've clearly not been standing up to him at all. Why do you let him speak to you like a piece of shit? If you're quite happy to be miserable for the rest of your married life, and don't mind your kids having a crap childhood with a horrible shouting bully of a father, then carry on as you are. If not, stand up to him, STOP letting him treat you like this, or kick him the fuck out. I despair of threads like this, and the sheer number of passive women who need to find their anger and stop all this fucking shit
Love a good victim blaming response Hmm
InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 19/05/2021 09:04

This reply has been deleted

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ineedaholidaynow · 19/05/2021 09:06

Has he always been like this? Does he shout at your DD? What are his tolerance levels like with her?

MintMatchmaker · 19/05/2021 09:07

If his behaviour is already upsetting your child then it’s time to take action. It will be damaging for her as I’m sure you realise.

You deserve better.

MarshmallowAra · 19/05/2021 09:08

He's an abuser.

You're being abused.

Your DD is also being abused by proxy (if not directly sooner or later).

So will your new child.

Men like this rarely rarely change.

I'd make plans to get out.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 19/05/2021 09:08

I'm not BLAMING her FOR her situation-I'm frustrated at women for putting up with it- which is quite obvious to anyone with half a brain cell Hmm