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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fed Up - Shouting DH

83 replies

notlongtogo82 · 19/05/2021 08:20

Should point out that I am currently 38 weeks pregnant so very hormonal and getting to the point of being fed up in general but have spent most of the last night in tears over this!

Dh shouts at me - a lot. He likes things done a certain way and has a very small tolerance for anyone who does anything differently to how he would do something.

He works shifts and is currently on nights this week. This isn't unusual but means during the day I pick up everything around the house including school drop off and pick up for DD(4), wfh still (1 week left) and all the day to day stuff, but I then can't do a lot of washing or tidying up as putting the washing machine/dishwasher on keeps him awake so the house looks like something has exploded in it.

We also have a regular food delivery which comes in the evening. Dh was asleep when it turned up last night. I used to lift the trays into the kitchen and empty them there, but being pregnant at the moment I can't lift them, and understandably the driver cannot carry them in for me. So when the food shop turned up last night, the driver put the trays by the door and I knelt down by them and started unloading the items i the hallway, with DD 'helping'.

Dh was woken up by the shop arriving, came down as I was about half way through the trays, pretty much moved me out of the way and carried the remaining trays into the kitchen, and then once the driver had left proceeded to shout at me for how stupid I had been and looked kneeling down on the floor emptying the trays, how I should have woken him up, made the driver wait and not started until he was up.

He was meant to be out last night playing sport and was only in because it was cancelled due to the weather at earlier that day - so when I challenged him on what he expected me to do if he wasn't there he didn't have an answer.

Later on he was still going on about it at this point I pretty much in tears, and the started picking on some other things that I had done wrong. I just got fed up, so stopped listening, as if I said ok yes won't do it next time he had a go at me, but if I tried to argue or defend myself as to why I did something that way he had a go at me.

when putting DD to bed last night she broke my heart and asked why daddy shouts at me so much!

At that point i needed some space so I went and sorted some washing out that I had managed to put on earlier, and then when I got into the living room, DH moaned that he had been waiting for me to watch our programme before work but now didn't have time!

Just so fed up of feeling like everything I do is wrong when all I try and do is everything for DH & DD and the new arrival!

OP posts:
smartiecake · 19/05/2021 09:14

He is being abusive OP. Your DD can see that.
You don't need to put up with that shit!
I also kneel on the floor in the doorway to empty the tesco crates quickly as the driver stacks them outside the front door. My baby is 13 now. Its easier and quicker for me. Its fine. No one cares! Its normal behaviour.
Please think carefully about what you want for your life and your children? Has he always been like this?

AintPageantMaterial · 19/05/2021 09:15

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

Fuck of Bernadette- you're way off the mark there.
She’s really not. Your response to the OP was unhelpful and lacked all compassion and blamed her for a man’s shit behaviour.

Whereas your response to Bernadette was rude but helped
the rest of us on the thread to put you and your misogyny into context so that we can discount your contributions from here on.

So thanks love. And don’t bother telling me to fuck off as well. I will pay as much attention to that as to your last 2 posts.

Overdueanamechange · 19/05/2021 09:19

The response from @InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream is exactly why women are embarrassed about seeking help amongst friends / family / authorities about domestic abuse. Let's stop victim blaming and acknowledge that abuse is gradual manipulation and control.

Sausageroll67 · 19/05/2021 09:19

@DancesWithTortoises

Tesco drivers will carry crates into the kitchen and unpack in those circumstances. Not much use to you now but it may help others.

Your DP is a prick.

No they won’t.
SympathyFatigue · 19/05/2021 09:25

You poor thing. 38 weeks pregnant, working, childcare, housework and your disgusting husband yelling at you for unpacking food as best you could.

Does he do much while he's awake off nights apart from plonk his arse and await your presence for a tv show before work.

Have you spoken to him about the yelling? I understand nights are awful but can he see bus behaviour is unacceptable?

Arsehole
You deserve better op.

Queenie6655 · 19/05/2021 09:28

Jesus run a mile

Sounds like my ex

And when I was heavily pregnant he used to up his abusE
You poor thing

Go to police and Womans aid

Sorry but no way should you take this from anyone

KatherineSiena · 19/05/2021 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 19/05/2021 09:30

In fact, the last few posters couldn't be more wrong about my responses. Anyone who could be bothered to view my posting history would see that I am anything but misogynistic and victim blaming.

The reason I get so frustrated by repeated threads like this Is that I was brought up in a household with an abusive father whose mother did not leave and I had a horrible childhood and severe anxiety as a result. The blame lies firmly with my father but my mother should have taken us out of that situation.

OP none of this is your fault but you now owe it to your kids to protect them from him. Sorry if my posts have come across wrongly.

ineedaholidayandwine · 19/05/2021 09:37

Please go stay somewhere else OP, for a little while with your daughter to really think this through. He is a very nasty man and you deserve better, your poor daughter must be sad seeing mummy get shouted at so much.
You shouldn't and don't have to live like this

Beechview · 19/05/2021 09:37

You need to have a talk with your dp. Let him know that you ve had enough of his bullying and shouting and you don’t want a life like that for you or your dc.
If he wants to make an effort to change, he will. There is help he can get but he will need to admit to it and want to change.
If he doesn’t, then you need to start planning to leave.

gamerchick · 19/05/2021 09:39

Thing is OP your kid is learning from her parents about relationships. One day as a direct result of watching this you could end up with a son in law just like her dad.

justanotherneighinparadise · 19/05/2021 09:39

This is abuse OP. You’re telling yourself it’s not as he doesn’t physically abuse you but it’s verbal ablnd emotional abuse and your child is seeing it all.

justanotherneighinparadise · 19/05/2021 09:39

*and

loopylou3030 · 19/05/2021 09:40

He obviously knows he shouldn't be doing it otherwise he wouldn't have waited for the delivery driver to leave before shouting at you. He's bullying you and as hard as it is going to be you need to leave him and enjoy a nice peaceful life again with your children, where you don't have to walk on egg shells all the time.

HarryDavidj · 19/05/2021 09:41

Hear hear.
Excellent post.

Oh and might I just add that Bernadette has demonstrated her intellect and insight many, many times on this forum.

The thought of you on your knees whilst heavily pregnant and then him coming in and shouting at you OPSad. Ugh. Just ugh. Poor you.
Please plan to get out. Your daughter has noticed and is vocal about it.

Topseyt · 19/05/2021 09:42

His behaviour isn't remotely acceptable. He is abusing you badly and your DD has already started to notice and be impacted by it.

You don't need to put up with this. Confide in friends and family if you can, and also mention his behaviour to your midwife. Pregnant women are in a generally somewhat vulnerable position and they can have strategies or ways to try and help women who are in abusive relationships.

HarryDavidj · 19/05/2021 09:44

I was trying to quote Aintpagaentmaterial

inspace you need to educate yourself.
You’re referring your anger in totally the wrong direction. We don’t want that here.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 19/05/2021 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KatherineSiena · 19/05/2021 09:48

Please ignore my post above (wrong thread).

However, your husband sounds deeply unpleasant. A one-off shout when being woken up when working shifts could perhaps be understood but as a long term pattern you need to think carefully about. The fact he never shouted in front of a third party is very telling. Your poor daughter is seeing clearly what he is doing. When you add a new baby into the mix I expect his shouting will escalate.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 19/05/2021 09:52

Please think about leaving.
Think about what your daughter is learning about how relationships work and what her expectations of a happy relationship will be as she grows up.

If it were her writing this post you'd be heartbroken and encouraging her to leave and be happier on her own rather than stay in an abusive relationship.

But finally, leave for you!! You deserve better - whether that's happy in your o right or with someone else down the line.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 19/05/2021 09:53

Your 4 year old is questioning this now but she will eventually stop questioning it if you stay because she'll think it's normal. The cycle of abuse will continue.
Two people have the power to stop it OP, your husband or you.
I don't think it's going to be him so that leaves you. You will feel absolutely worn down, and like it's impossible but honestly you and your DC would be so much better off without him.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream sorry you have had experience of being the DD.
Yes your first post may have come across as victim-blaming but you were the victim and the only ones who had the power to stop the abuse were adults, either your parents or other adults who knew what was happening. I hope that the cycle has stopped with you but if you are in doubt please seek some counselling and learn about red flags, if you feel your boundaries may not be as defined as they need to be.

There are adults in my family who struggle with the legacy of domestic abuse they witnessed as children.

Excilente · 19/05/2021 09:55

OP, i'm SO sorry you're having to deal with this shouty bullshit from someone who is SUPPOSED to love you, nurture you and care for you.

I had a husband like that, nothing i did was right, nothing was praised, he just shouted and made me feel like i was useless and lazy and taking the piss out of him all the time.

I say 'had' because i finally, after 16 years of his shit, found the balls to leave him.

This won't end, by all means, suggest counselling FOR HIM (Not for you, he needs anger management) but only because he'll need it going forward when he has the kids.

This is about protecting you and your DD and the baby, shouty men don't get better, they just get nastier.

Please get your ducks in a row, talk to your family, or womens aid, and get yourself and your babies away from him.

I KNOW its hard, i'm 4 years out, he's STILL a shouty, angry, abusive twat, and the kids are noticing it more and more during contact, they're both teenager now and are slowly pulling away from him, as are his friends and family.. he's going to end up a lonely angry man.

You can do this. i'm sending much love and strength in the days ahead Flowers

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 19/05/2021 09:57

@ASandwichNamedKevin

Your 4 year old is questioning this now but she will eventually stop questioning it if you stay because she'll think it's normal. The cycle of abuse will continue. Two people have the power to stop it OP, your husband or you. I don't think it's going to be him so that leaves you. You will feel absolutely worn down, and like it's impossible but honestly you and your DC would be so much better off without him.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream sorry you have had experience of being the DD.
Yes your first post may have come across as victim-blaming but you were the victim and the only ones who had the power to stop the abuse were adults, either your parents or other adults who knew what was happening. I hope that the cycle has stopped with you but if you are in doubt please seek some counselling and learn about red flags, if you feel your boundaries may not be as defined as they need to be.

There are adults in my family who struggle with the legacy of domestic abuse they witnessed as children.

Thankyou, yes I have sought help, and I apologised earlier for the tone of my first post. Thanks again. Thanks
KangarooSally · 19/05/2021 10:21

Do you have your mum or dad nearby? Could you go stay with them for a few days, so your daughter is away from him and you're safe too, while you communicate to him that his attitude is not on? Just in case he goes even more mental. And to give yourself a break too.

Darkstar4855 · 19/05/2021 11:05

This is abuse, it’s not ok and has the potential to harm both you and your kids.

My partner is still struggling with PTSD rooted in the domestic abuse he witnessed between his parents growing up.

Please contact Women’s Aid or similar or talk to trusted family and friends.