Fed Up - Shouting DH

[notlongtogo82]

Should point out that I am currently 38 weeks pregnant so very hormonal and getting to the point of being fed up in general but have spent most of the last night in tears over this!

Dh shouts at me - a lot. He likes things done a certain way and has a very small tolerance for anyone who does anything differently to how he would do something.

He works shifts and is currently on nights this week. This isn't unusual but means during the day I pick up everything around the house including school drop off and pick up for DD(4), wfh still (1 week left) and all the day to day stuff, but I then can't do a lot of washing or tidying up as putting the washing machine/dishwasher on keeps him awake so the house looks like something has exploded in it.

We also have a regular food delivery which comes in the evening. Dh was asleep when it turned up last night. I used to lift the trays into the kitchen and empty them there, but being pregnant at the moment I can't lift them, and understandably the driver cannot carry them in for me. So when the food shop turned up last night, the driver put the trays by the door and I knelt down by them and started unloading the items i the hallway, with DD 'helping'.

Dh was woken up by the shop arriving, came down as I was about half way through the trays, pretty much moved me out of the way and carried the remaining trays into the kitchen, and then once the driver had left proceeded to shout at me for how stupid I had been and looked kneeling down on the floor emptying the trays, how I should have woken him up, made the driver wait and not started until he was up.

He was meant to be out last night playing sport and was only in because it was cancelled due to the weather at earlier that day - so when I challenged him on what he expected me to do if he wasn't there he didn't have an answer.

Later on he was still going on about it at this point I pretty much in tears, and the started picking on some other things that I had done wrong. I just got fed up, so stopped listening, as if I said ok yes won't do it next time he had a go at me, but if I tried to argue or defend myself as to why I did something that way he had a go at me.

when putting DD to bed last night she broke my heart and asked why daddy shouts at me so much!

At that point i needed some space so I went and sorted some washing out that I had managed to put on earlier, and then when I got into the living room, DH moaned that he had been waiting for me to watch our programme before work but now didn't have time!

Just so fed up of feeling like everything I do is wrong when all I try and do is everything for DH & DD and the new arrival!

Dear OP, his behaviour is disgusting and abusive and cannot be justified in any circumstance. You and your children deserve so much better. Please speak to your midwife, GP or family. Anyone who could help you. This is not your fault.

I agree you should speak to your midwife. This is a really unhealthy environment for you and your children.

You are trying too hard. Men see close to tears and being too accommodating as weakness and will jump on these things as a way to control. Stand up to him and shout back a couple of times, he will soon realise that the mouse can roar.

Jesus, what a horrible piece of work he is. He doesn't get to shout at you. He's supposed to love you. And you're pg with his child. Does he act like he loves you? No - he acts like he hates you.

Please think about how much nicer life could be without him. Your dd is learning all the wrong things about how relationships should be, living with him. Do you want her to repeat this pattern and get into an abusive relationship?

Do you have anyone you can talkt o, or anywhere you can go to get away?

Nasty horrible bullying bas'tard ..

OP you look after yourself and start saving to make clearer decisions when you are able. 🌸

I understand that this is probably not a step you are willing to take with a small child and while pregnant, but please consider it. I have recently spilt up with my husband after 18 years because of his constantly shouting and pointing out all my mistakes, mistakes which I made daily apparently. Now I don't seem to be making any mistakes and not one person has raised their voice to me in 3 months. I wish to God I did it years ago so my children didn't have to listen to him. It will become normal in your life if you let it - to the point where you will dread the bastard coming home. I hope you have support in real life.

I’d hold up my hand and say ‘I’m not listening if you shout and walk away!’ He doesn’t have any right to shout at and abuse you.

Without reading anything other than your first post.

1. He's an arsehole of the highest order.
2. It's also effecting your child, she has no say in this, sad.
3. I also work shifts and have an 18 month old son, difference is I'm not some stupid cunt that thinks the world stops because you're on nights.

It’s very worrying that you have normalised this to the extent that you’re not even really recognising this as abuse. You need to speak to women’s aid.

He sounds like a horrible, abusive man.

Please let that sink in. As a pp said - he’s an abuser, you’re being abused.

Imagine the scene of a pregnant woman kneeling and trying to empty crates as she’s too scared to wake abusive man. Abusive man comes downstairs, shoves her out of the way, and then berates her for “looking stupid” in her efforts to get the job done

So sad for you OP, and for your Dd.

Listen to what she’s telling you. You need to get her out of that toxic environment, ideally before next one comes along and you’re even more stuck.

Imagine the scene of a pregnant woman kneeling and trying to empty crates as she’s too scared to wake abusive man. Abusive man comes downstairs, shoves her out of the way, and then berates her for “looking stupid” in her efforts to get the job done

This. It was heartbreaking to read that snippet of your post OP. All of it but especially that bit.

You know what kind of men bully heavily pregnant women? Scum. The kind who can't be taught to manage their behaviour because they are bad people and don't want to change because their behaviour works for them.

He has worn you down so much you aren't sure if this is abuse when it's about as clear cut as it can get.

Please don't let your children grow up in this environment - you need to start planning a way out

I had a shouty father. It was awful.

Nothing would make him stop. He was always right. He would always shout. As I got older, he would hit and shout.

I was your daughter and I'm now a damaged adult.

This wasn't the first time your DD noticed. This wasn't the first time your DD realised it was wrong. It was the first time your DD spoke up.
I was a DD with a shouty DF. Get out OP. This was such an upsetting read you must be exhausted with all your responsibilities and walking on eggshells all the time.
If you were a 15 stone body builder he wouldn't talk to you like that. He picks his victims, he's a bully. Take care xx

@MarshmallowAra

He's an abuser.

You're being abused.

Your DD is also being abused by proxy (if not directly sooner or later).

So will your new child.

Men like this rarely rarely change.

I'd make plans to get out.

Your poor little daughter growing up in a highly abusive home.

And now another child to be subjected to the abuse.

Ring Women's Aid.

Think of your poor little daughter.

He’s a prick, fuck him off. Nasty little man.

Just to clarify the point about Tesco delivery, they will bring the shopping indoors if you 'are vulnerable, disabled or elderly'- as long as you aren't currently self-isolating' (Taken from Tesco's website) As a pregnant woman you ARE vulnerable, so to any pregnant ladies out there, Tesco are worth a try if you want help with your delivery.

Other than that OP, I can only support what everyone else has said. Your husband is abusing you, and indirectly your daughter. It will not get better, unless you show him that you're not prepared to put up with it. My husband was a bit like this when we first got together, but one night, I thought, 'sod this for a game of soldiers', turned around, shouted back, and threw a tea towel at him in temper. As it happened, it landed on the top of the door, we both burst out laughing, and he apologised. Since then, he rarely shouts at me, and if he does, I simply walk away. He might sulk for a while, but eventually sees that he was being unreasonable, and comes and apologises. As we've got older, it rarely happens, and we have a wonderful marriage of 22 years.

So the point is, that if you can't stand up and show him that you're not prepared to allow this constant bullying, like I did, then you really must get out of there and take your children with you.

Ultimately I think you need to get rid

You poor thing. 😢 I doubt he’ll improve, abusive bullies rarely do. Shouting his heavily pregnant wife, wtaf? That’s disgusting. Your dd is telling you how awful this is. What do you want to do?

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

Just to clarify the point about Tesco delivery, they will bring the shopping indoors if you 'are vulnerable, disabled or elderly'- as long as you aren't currently self-isolating' (Taken from Tesco's website) As a pregnant woman you ARE vulnerable, so to any pregnant ladies out there, Tesco are worth a try if you want help with your delivery.

Other than that OP, I can only support what everyone else has said. Your husband is abusing you, and indirectly your daughter. It will not get better, unless you show him that you're not prepared to put up with it. My husband was a bit like this when we first got together, but one night, I thought, 'sod this for a game of soldiers', turned around, shouted back, and threw a tea towel at him in temper. As it happened, it landed on the top of the door, we both burst out laughing, and he apologised. Since then, he rarely shouts at me, and if he does, I simply walk away. He might sulk for a while, but eventually sees that he was being unreasonable, and comes and apologises. As we've got older, it rarely happens, and we have a wonderful marriage of 22 years.

So the point is, that if you can't stand up and show him that you're not prepared to allow this constant bullying, like I did, then you really must get out of there and take your children with you.

No they won't automatically bring your shopping in for the disabled etc. despite what the Tesco website says. Each delivery driver does/not do it at their discretion.

He’s a cunt. Get rid

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

In fact, the last few posters couldn't be more wrong about my responses. Anyone who could be bothered to view my posting history would see that I am anything but misogynistic and victim blaming.

The reason I get so frustrated by repeated threads like this Is that I was brought up in a household with an abusive father whose mother did not leave and I had a horrible childhood and severe anxiety as a result. The blame lies firmly with my father but my mother should have taken us out of that situation.

OP none of this is your fault but you now owe it to your kids to protect them from him. Sorry if my posts have come across wrongly.

You've been in an abusive family relationship and you think it's ok to have a go at an abused pregnant woman. You think that it's ok to start a post Sigh. Take a look in the mirror. You are no better than your abusive father. You are even blaming your mother for not leaving, I'm not going to look at your posting history, you've told me all I need to know. Watch out for that anger of yours, you are directing it at the innocent victims.

Maybe YOU should take a look in the mirror Fuckingcrustybread telling me I am no better than my abusive father?
I clearly stated my father was to blame. But do I also feel resentment towards my mum for not leaving my dad? Yes, I do. I'm not blaming her! But I was a fucking child. The parents are supposed to protect the children.

Why shouldn't @InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream feel strongly on behalf of children raised in abusive homes?

Op's daughter is asking why dad is always screaming??
Eh, I think this would give a lot of women pause for thought.

The child is clearly affected and doesn't feel safe or secure.

I think women have a responsibility to protect the children they have.

They also have to take responsibility for staying in a home with a horror of a man, having more children, and the fact that the legacy issues for the children are huge.

It's not victim blaming, it's a statement of fact.

You choose to have children, you have a responsibility to protect them.

Unfortunately on MN that usually means against their father.

Not victim blaming just fact.

Should we all just post, "poor OP, poor OP"?, and forget her struggling child?

The OP should contact family, friends, Women's Aid and get her and her child away from this abusive home.

Children bear the load of an abusive home for ever.

Stop tip toeing around this bully. He will be like this until the children leave home and beyond! Please leave him and enjoy the rest of your life.