Enabling alcoholic parent in care home?

[Worriedaboutmum2021]

I’ll try and keep it brief. Mum is in a care home following stroke several years ago. She is wheelchair bound, not very mobile, and though suffered some brain damage she is pretty “with it” mentally/emotionally.

All day long she watches tv in her room, in her wheelchair. She wheels herself out periodically for a cigarette (she started smoking when she went into the home). Every evening, she drinks a LOT of whisky.

She gets food deliveries organised by my aunt, consisting solely of whisky and cigarettes, sometimes some snacks. She texts me occasionally saying ‘emergency, run out of booze, next delivery not for another few days, please bring some’. So I have to go and buy her a bottle and drop it by.

In the space of 5 days last week, she drank over 2.5litres of whisky. I bought her a litre on Saturday.. she’s texted today to say she’s out and needs more.

I am obviously worried. She’s killing herself. I don’t know morally if it’s worse to continue to buy her alcohol without restrictions, thus contributing to a potential early death.. or to restrict or cut off her supply, thus taking away her free choice.

I’d love some opinions as it’s really upsetting me. On the one hand I’m angry with her for drinking so much and I don’t want her to die. On the other hand I think, if I was stuck in a care home before my time (she’s only mid-60’s) with nothing to do and not mobile, I’d probably seek pleasure where I could find it I.e. booze & cigarettes, so for gods sake leave her be.

I just don’t know. It’s horrible. I love her and it breaks my heart.

She is in a care home

If you ask her at 50 would she rather a care home or death what would the answer have been?

If you cut off her alcohol cold turkey the withdrawal could kill her. Perhaps something to discuss with her carers.

She's got capacity to make her own decisions, shows no sign of wanting to stop drinking, and has a questionable quality of life in a care home so may be actively trying to drink herself to death.

If she's funding it, I don't think you've got any option but to let her carry on to be honest.

She's an alcoholic and they never stop drinking unless they want to - which she doesn't

I'm sorry your mum is going through this. I think her being 'with it' but physically very frail and in a care home are what's likely driving her to the drink the poor woman. Spend time with her, love her, let her have her fags and booze if it helps her. On DH's side there are family with Huntingtons and they are all very much similar in what they do to help themselves through.

As she's got mental capacity, I'd just keep on buying her the booze, OP. It's tragic, but it's her choice.

You could try talking to her about the damage she is doing to herself, but I doubt it would do much good, sadly.

Thank you for your replies. I know you’re right, I can’t stop her, and I think she feels she has nothing to live for so why not drink herself to death.
It’s incredibly painful but @VeganCheesePlease your words made me well up a bit here, yes I should just love her and spend time with her.

I hope that if I end up in a care home I'll have a ready supply of booze. Once you're in a care home there's only one way you are leaving it, so you may as well enjoy what time you have left in the way you choose to.

But that doesn't make it easier for you obviously.

I disagree. I wouldn't buy it for her. Let her drink all she wants by all means, but I wouldn't be restocking for her. She can choose to kill herself, but you don't need to help her do it.

If she had mental capacity and understands the consequences of drinking, then it is her choice if she drinks herself to death. Hard for you to deal with I appreciate

I was in a similar situation, though mum wasn't in a care home. I got really pissed off with people telling us we were 'enabling' her alcoholism by buying her booze, as it felt we were complicit/being blamed for it.
The sad fact is she would have used any means necessary to get the alcohol, including getting very muddled with attempting to order things online, paying neighbours to buy her alcohol from the shop (and getting short changed/exploited) or (most scary) trying to get herself to the shops when she was too frail.

It was heart wrenching, but we went with the aim of harm reduction - we bought some lower strength drink choices, tried to make sure she was eating and looking after her health in other ways, tried to encourage her to get out and about.

I feel for you. It's tough.

I wouldn't be buying it so frequently/ large quantities it seems a lot.

What do the staff there say about it?
Does her drinking like this impact on them or other residents?

But why is she in a care home with nothing to do but watch television and drink herself to death? There are other ways on which a wheelchair dependent person can be cared for and still take part in life. Does she not want to get out and do things? Does the home not run a programme of activies and outings?

Wow I'm surprised the care home allow this. My fil at 63 was an alcoholic and admitted to a care home for end of life care. He was still with it but was dying due to liver damage. We were told no alcohol to be brought in without permission. The home said a sociable drink is acceptable under supervision. Is no one in the home monitoring her consumption? Yes going cold turkey is not a great idea but that amount is alot and it surprises me the home allow it....mind u my fil could sink nearly a litre of whisky a day!

I'd talk about it with the home manager. I used to work in a care home, and we had terrible trouble with a lady who used to bring sherry in for her mother with dementia who then would become very difficult to manage. You may inadvertently be making life more difficult for the care staff there?

As an immediate measure, I'd water it down. If you did refuse to buy it, I doubt that the home would be able to get it for her.

@Mumof1andacat

Wow I'm surprised the care home allow this. My fil at 63 was an alcoholic and admitted to a care home for end of life care. He was still with it but was dying due to liver damage. We were told no alcohol to be brought in without permission. The home said a sociable drink is acceptable under supervision. Is no one in the home monitoring her consumption? Yes going cold turkey is not a great idea but that amount is alot and it surprises me the home allow it....mind u my fil could sink nearly a litre of whisky a day!

Fuck this. No alcohol without permission??? They are not children. It horrifys me how personal choice is stripped from people once they enter a care home. It's not as if they have much else to look forward to. Death isn't always to be avoided.

Are the staff aware of how much she us drinking? Does she have a social worker?

If she has capacity she can obviously choose to drink, but there are additional safeguarding considerations - such as safety of staff assisting her or risk to other residents if she becomes aggressive whilst intoxicated.

I would have a chat with the hone manager (& social worker/care baba her if applicable) about discussing with her the idea if referral to a drug and alcohol service to help her safely reduce her drinking.

Sorry - care manager.

To answer a few points -

Her drinking doesn’t impact the staff or residents - she doesn’t get aggressive or anything, she just drinks in her room in the evening (drinks coffee in the day time) watching tv until bed. The staff haven’t said anything about it because honestly I think they see her as a great resident - she’s friendly and respectful of staff, she chats to them, doesn’t cause any trouble at all.

Shes no longer able to leave the home. She used to be able to transfer in and out of her wheelchair and that meant I could collect her in the car, and bring her to my house where I have grab rails in the loo so she could use the loo, she’d have a meal with us and see her grandkids. Since covid she’s been obviously constrained to the home and over the year she’s lost all her confidence and a lot of mobility and she isn’t able to transfer, so no outings are possible.

She won’t go on care home outings even if there were any, nor will she socialise with other residents or take part in activities. This sounds terrible/snooty but pre-stroke she was an incredibly successful and educated woman, loved food, travel, theatres etc. She views the other residents poorly as they are all much older than she is and much less “with it” mentally - she can’t really converse with anyone except the staff. And she HATES the idea of group activities.

So she just watches tv and drinks alone. It’s an incredibly sad situation.

She is having physio now that restrictions have lifted slightly, and keeps saying she hopes to get mobile again so she can have semi regular outings to my house (no other family live nearby). But I don’t know how realistic that is, because part of her brain injury has meant she’s hyper anxious and she is terrified of falling.

My great aunt was widowed for over 30 years, and hardly saw her family. As she got older she got lonelier and whisky was her only pleasure.
It’s a hard one.

I've just read your update. This doesn't sound like a good placement fir her in all honesty. Who arranged it/chose the placement?

Was she a drinker before her stroke? If so I would assume her alcoholism is entrenched and intractable. If she has only started drinking since her stroke I would be more inclined to encourage her to look at other coping mechanisms.

I would be really concerned about the quantity. Yes it sounds like she has capacity but care home still have a duty of care. What does her care plan say about her alcohol use? Do they try distract/divert her? Where is the booze kept and does she have free access to it all, all the time?
I would be looking for a strong chat with the Gp and her, possibly folllowed by a capacity assessment if GP or others have concerns on the back of that.
What is the home’s risk assessment about this?

@Welshmaenad until a couple of years ago she was cared for in her home by my stepdad. It became a difficult situation as she was increasingly verbally abusive to him and basically it got to a point where he couldn’t do it any more. He sold their house with the intention of moving a long way away to be closer to his other children.

Family discussions were had about the best course. I couldn’t take her in as it just wasn’t possible with our house not being suitable, plus working full time and with 2 young children. No-one else in the family were able to take her in either. In the end everyone agreed a care home was the best option. Our family is spread across the country.

I suggested she come to a care home near me as I could commit to visiting her every week and having her over, taking her out, she gets so much pleasure from the grandkids so it seemed like the best option.

And at the start it really was.. we’d visit every weekend, she came over for Christmas, my aunt would come up to stay with me and take mum out shopping for the day. It was all good.. as good as it could be. But since Covid and hardly being able to have visitors, let alone leave the premises, I fear she’s become completely institutionalised and has a real fear of going anywhere.. so she is stuck on her own with just the tv and the booze. Her mobility is the issue now, if she can’t get the confidence to transfer out of the chair on her own then I can’t take her out. I just don’t think the excessive drinking is going to help her get back to how she was before.

@BarbarianMum notes your mum is in a room alone watching TV and drinking. I have a friend who has a 5* rated care and home care facility. Activities are arranged on site to promote physical and mental well being.

I would