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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Enabling alcoholic parent in care home?

80 replies

Worriedaboutmum2021 · 18/05/2021 20:19

I’ll try and keep it brief. Mum is in a care home following stroke several years ago. She is wheelchair bound, not very mobile, and though suffered some brain damage she is pretty “with it” mentally/emotionally.

All day long she watches tv in her room, in her wheelchair. She wheels herself out periodically for a cigarette (she started smoking when she went into the home). Every evening, she drinks a LOT of whisky.

She gets food deliveries organised by my aunt, consisting solely of whisky and cigarettes, sometimes some snacks. She texts me occasionally saying ‘emergency, run out of booze, next delivery not for another few days, please bring some’. So I have to go and buy her a bottle and drop it by.

In the space of 5 days last week, she drank over 2.5litres of whisky. I bought her a litre on Saturday.. she’s texted today to say she’s out and needs more.

I am obviously worried. She’s killing herself. I don’t know morally if it’s worse to continue to buy her alcohol without restrictions, thus contributing to a potential early death.. or to restrict or cut off her supply, thus taking away her free choice.

I’d love some opinions as it’s really upsetting me. On the one hand I’m angry with her for drinking so much and I don’t want her to die. On the other hand I think, if I was stuck in a care home before my time (she’s only mid-60’s) with nothing to do and not mobile, I’d probably seek pleasure where I could find it I.e. booze & cigarettes, so for gods sake leave her be.

I just don’t know. It’s horrible. I love her and it breaks my heart.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 18/05/2021 21:47

If she is open to the idea it may be worth looking to see if you can find a more suitable care facility for her to live in. There may not be anything close by of course but there may be. Something with more people close to her own age and more opportunities. She shouldn't have to give up dining out, theatre etc at her age

Serin · 18/05/2021 21:50

BarbarianMum
There have been precious little trips out and organised activities for care home residents during the pandemic. Most haven't even been allowed family visitors.
I'm sorry you are going through this OP, you don't have to help her but I was in a similar situation with my Dad (although he was at home with carers visiting) and I got him what he wanted. It's an impossible situation that no one can win.

Toolateplanting · 18/05/2021 21:50

Looking at your update, I would say she may need some review of her mental health too. Again I am concerned about how the home are supporting her with this.
Looking ahead to trips outside the care home being allowed again, how distant is your home and could she travel to you in a black cab so she can stay in her wheelchair? Perhaps she would agree to use continence pads just for the visit if she doesn’t normally use them, so she wouldn’t need to use the toilet at yours.

Welshmaenad · 18/05/2021 21:53

I don't know where you are in the country but I'm wondering if something like an Extracare facility might be better for her. She would have her own adapted flat, and there's a team of carers that would provide a package of care for help with personal care etc. The ones near me also have a restaurant where residents can choose to take meals, or they can prepare food in their own flat or have hep from carers with meals. They tend to be populated by individuals who aren't quite at the stage of needing 24/7 residential care so she might find people who she can engage with and feel more connected.

Failing that I would talk to her care manager about how her social and cultural needs can be better met. If she doesn't have one you can contact your local adult social services and ask for her to be reassessed.

It sounds like you a have tried really hard to help her, the past year has been so difficult for people in residential care and their families.

Toolateplanting · 18/05/2021 21:54

Can her sister have a regular phone or FaceTime chat with her of an evening? Anyone else you could line up for that?
I recommend you arrange a proper meeting with the care home and share your concerns.
Her isolation, mental health, what they are doing to overcome this, and the quantity she is drinking with risks this poses.
Could possibly be a safeguarding situation requiring social work referral but I would want to gather more information on what the home are actually doing to support her with this.

Original poster

Worriedaboutmum2021 · 18/05/2021 21:57

@Toolateplanting that’s a good idea actually, and one I could broach with mum. Not sure if she’d be too scared about the thought of a cab.. or if she’d want to wear continence pads.. but I might be able to convince her. That’s definitely a good idea and one I will follow up with, thank you 😊

OP posts:

notanothertakeaway · 18/05/2021 21:59

What a tough situation for all concerned

If your DM has capacity, you have to respect her autonomy to make unwise choices, as you would if she still lived at home

Perhaps worth exploring if another care home would offer activities that are more attractive, but this may not be possible

Babyroobs · 18/05/2021 21:59

It's fine people saying it's her right to drink, but actually she can't buy it herself and if it leads to it being more difficult to care for her, then that impacts everyone, especially care home staff.
Not nice for anyone to have to care for someone terribly confused because of liver cirrhosis, or having a sudden hemorrhage due to Oesophageal varices ( really distressing believe me ).
I think the care home staff/ Nursing staff should put in some kind of plan with Gp whereby help can be given.
maybe once restrictions are lifted she can go out a bit more , maybe trips out and have a bit better quality of life.
I really feel for you op, it's a terribly difficult situation and as others have said she has capacity so needs to agree to getting help.

toconclude · 18/05/2021 22:03

@skirk64

I hope that if I end up in a care home I'll have a ready supply of booze. Once you're in a care home there's only one way you are leaving it, so you may as well enjoy what time you have left in the way you choose to.

Once you're in a care home there's only one way you are leaving it

Not necessarily. When I was an older adults' social worker one of my best pieces of work was helping someone get out of a care home (where she had been for 18 months) and into her own flat. That happens more often than you think.

Original poster

Worriedaboutmum2021 · 18/05/2021 22:04

@Toolateplanting we tried FaceTime as she has an iPad but she doesn’t like it, she can’t hold the iPad properly (only has one working arm)

I did get her a mobile phone which sits in a cradle to charge, like a landline phone, so she doesn’t have to worry about cords. That has worked well and she gets calls from my aunt, my grandmother and my stepdad every week. This has proved a real lifeline for everyone to be able to stay in touch with her, so she’s not entirely cut off.

I agree about speaking to the care home manager. We need to understand what is possible and what we can do to try and improve things.

It’s just so difficult as she genuinely doesn’t seem distressed or depressed. I think again it’s part of the brain injury, she is just seemingly content to switch off and watch endless box sets, with the comforting routine of care staff she knows and likes. She gets her coffee and biscuits like clockwork. And she’s even got the chef to make her special “picnic” meals of antipasti as she finds the food so awful. So they do look after her well, I really feel.. the staff genuinely care about her. I just don’t know what they can realistically do about the drinking, as another poster said, she’s not a child so can they really impose restrictions? I don’t know..

OP posts:

Felifox · 18/05/2021 22:06

I posted too soon. Please go to CQC website and check the latest report on your dm's care home, the facilities it provides. As others are saying part of the issue is your dm may not be in a home suitable for a woman who is mentally capable.

chesteroo · 18/05/2021 22:13

Your mum is protected by the care act 2014 - whilst you believe her drinking to be an unwise decision whilst she has capacity she has the right to make unwise decisions. Even without capacity her best interests need to be considered and removing the alcohol completely could cause more harm than good.

For those asking why the care home allow this - it is because they have no right to intervene.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/making-decisions-for-someone-else/mental-capacity-act/

Itwontstopraining · 18/05/2021 22:18

Op, my mum sounds similar in that she started drinking after she had a stroke, which meant she had to use a walking stick, which meant she lost her confidence going out. For her it wasn't just confidence, she didn't/couldn't accept the change of identity from being an independent person. She was a bit of a party girl in her day and couldn't/didn't accept how things changed.

I do think it's nice to encourage her to join in things and that she can get back to where she was... but equally you have to accept and be prepared that she may not. Honestly, with my mum we felt she gave up and accepted that she was done, which was so so hard but in reality that was her choice to make. While we could support her as much as we wanted, we couldn't force her to see things from our point of view.

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 18/05/2021 22:22

I wouldn't give up on the mobility thing yet,
Things are easing, going with gc and being honest about what she needs to do to get fit to make the manoeuvre.. Some people are so incredibly disabled physically and manage I wouldn't give up on her yet.. However in the mean time.. I wouldn't begrudge her a drink at all.

It's so hard but her quality of life is nil at present, there is no care home on earth that could provide me with enough stimulating activities that I'd not want a bottle of booze

Op I've had ELDERY parents and one a big boozer, very bright... I'm wish I'd got him more booze, I used to do his shop and never not got him what he wanted.

Once the sheer boredom is released through covid ends... Maybe then talk about lessening the consumption.

On a darker note having watched a parent die.. I'd much rather drunk myself to death than be forced by our society to die slowly. I'd rather it be my choice and in my hands.

Puttingouthefirewithgasoline · 18/05/2021 22:23

and thank you goodness, care homes are not prisons!!

ThursdayWeld · 18/05/2021 22:23

I'll be honest, there are worse ways to spend an evening than watching boxsets and drinking whisky.

As others have said, you and the home can't stop her drinking. Your decision is whether you buy her more alcohol.

I would, personally. What's the alternative?

ThursdayWeld · 18/05/2021 22:24

Also, you have to remember, the evenings will be veeeeeeeery long in a care home, as they tend to eat early.

SmokedDuck · 18/05/2021 22:40

@BarbarianMum

But why is she in a care home with nothing to do but watch television and drink herself to death? There are other ways on which a wheelchair dependent person can be cared for and still take part in life. Does she not want to get out and do things? Does the home not run a programme of activies and outings?

Quality of life for people in care homes is pretty shitty these days. More than usual, even.

ThursdayWeld · 18/05/2021 22:43

@BarbarianMum

Not for the last year they haven't, no.

SappysCurry · 18/05/2021 22:46

Is she not being monitored in this ‘care’ home?

ThursdayWeld · 18/05/2021 22:48

@SappysCurry

Is she not being monitored in this ‘care’ home?

It's not illegal to drink alcohol.

SappysCurry · 18/05/2021 22:49

[quote chesteroo]Your mum is protected by the care act 2014 - whilst you believe her drinking to be an unwise decision whilst she has capacity she has the right to make unwise decisions. Even without capacity her best interests need to be considered and removing the alcohol completely could cause more harm than good.

For those asking why the care home allow this - it is because they have no right to intervene.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/making-decisions-for-someone-else/mental-capacity-act/[/quote]
The care home my mum is in (private) have ‘recommended’ I don’t take her wine due to her high blood sugar, she is monitored 24/7

Blossomtoes · 18/05/2021 22:49

@skirk64

Absolutely. I’m her age and if I was in a care home I’d want heroin, not whisky. Poor bloody woman.

SappysCurry · 18/05/2021 22:51

Heroin???
Really ??
All I can say is not many posters here could have visited a care home recently

SappysCurry · 18/05/2021 22:54

@ThursdayWeld

Yes I know alcohol is not illegal but the care home have a duty of care and drinking hard spirits in that quantity is harmful to anyone of any age, let alone an elderly person.
I can see why the OP is concerned, so would any caring person be

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