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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Enabling alcoholic parent in care home?

80 replies

Worriedaboutmum2021 · 18/05/2021 20:19

I’ll try and keep it brief. Mum is in a care home following stroke several years ago. She is wheelchair bound, not very mobile, and though suffered some brain damage she is pretty “with it” mentally/emotionally.

All day long she watches tv in her room, in her wheelchair. She wheels herself out periodically for a cigarette (she started smoking when she went into the home). Every evening, she drinks a LOT of whisky.

She gets food deliveries organised by my aunt, consisting solely of whisky and cigarettes, sometimes some snacks. She texts me occasionally saying ‘emergency, run out of booze, next delivery not for another few days, please bring some’. So I have to go and buy her a bottle and drop it by.

In the space of 5 days last week, she drank over 2.5litres of whisky. I bought her a litre on Saturday.. she’s texted today to say she’s out and needs more.

I am obviously worried. She’s killing herself. I don’t know morally if it’s worse to continue to buy her alcohol without restrictions, thus contributing to a potential early death.. or to restrict or cut off her supply, thus taking away her free choice.

I’d love some opinions as it’s really upsetting me. On the one hand I’m angry with her for drinking so much and I don’t want her to die. On the other hand I think, if I was stuck in a care home before my time (she’s only mid-60’s) with nothing to do and not mobile, I’d probably seek pleasure where I could find it I.e. booze & cigarettes, so for gods sake leave her be.

I just don’t know. It’s horrible. I love her and it breaks my heart.

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 18/05/2021 22:58

How was she getting alcohol/cigarettes during the lockdown in care homes?

ThursdayWeld · 18/05/2021 22:58

@SappysCurry

Heroin??? Really ?? All I can say is not many posters here could have visited a care home recently

I have, last week.

I think care homes are brilliant, telly all day and I'd love to be on the whisky all night too But I wouldn't be hanging out there for the conversation... just like the OP's mum. The residents are all older and not really capable of much communication.

Blossomtoes · 18/05/2021 22:59

@SappysCurry

Heroin??? Really ?? All I can say is not many posters here could have visited a care home recently

I visited my mum in one every day, thanks. It was bad enough for her in her late 90s with dementia. In your 60s with all your faculties it would be like a circle of hell.

GabsAlot · 18/05/2021 22:59

id drink if i was stuck ina care home for a year with lockdown-can you imagine

SappysCurry · 18/05/2021 23:00

@ThursdayWeld
And on the ‘smack’ of course.

ThursdayWeld · 18/05/2021 23:01

[quote SappysCurry]@ThursdayWeld
And on the ‘smack’ of course.[/quote]
There might be supply problems...

I'll stick to the whisky.

SappysCurry · 18/05/2021 23:03

@Blossomtoes

Okay as long as your liver holds up I suppose
I think I may have to move my mum to a crack house based on the brilliant advice from one or two of the medical professionals on this thread
Im sure she would be so much happier/healthier

SappysCurry · 18/05/2021 23:03

@ThursdayWeld
You sound like quite the expert

Blossomtoes · 18/05/2021 23:05

@SappysCurry, I was talking about me, not your mum.

ThursdayWeld · 18/05/2021 23:06

[quote SappysCurry]@ThursdayWeld
You sound like quite the expert[/quote]
Well I have two relations in two separate care homes. I visit them as regularly as I can. Last week being the most recent for one of them.

SappysCurry · 18/05/2021 23:08

@Worriedaboutmum2021

I too would be concerned about this
Anybody would want their mum to be healthy as long as possible and smoking and drinking hard spirits is destructive, I think it is really sad that this is happening to you both and I hope you can help her soon 💐

Itwontstopraining · 18/05/2021 23:27

@SappysCurry it's nice to offer flowers now but your previous messages were the kind of righteous crap that made me feel incredibly guilty when my mum was in the same situation. Yes it's easy to say on paper that the home have a duty of care, that everyone arund is just not trying hard enough to engage/support, that anything else is neglectful.

The fact is, this person is an adult, not a child. They can decide how they live their life, even if that is something other people disagree with. They can decide to drink, and not go out. Just as we can know that we should practise mindfulness and do yoga and go for walks in nature and connect with friends yet somehow allow evenings to turn into working late, wine o'clock, boxsets and quick cook pasta. That's life. The OP has a mum she clearly cares about and is worried about. Get off your high horse and have some empathy instead of point scoring.
Also, the PP comment about heroin might have been facetious, but if you think opiate painkiller abuse/sharing isn't common amongst people in sheltered accommodation or care homes where people manage their own meds, then you're very naive. It doesn't have to fit your stereotypical view of drug abuse to exist. People do things that make them feel better, across all ages and all walks of life. Humans are drawn to things that soothe them, and often, well there's a short cut to getting there.

RickiTarr · 18/05/2021 23:28

@SappysCurry

Heroin??? Really ?? All I can say is not many posters here could have visited a care home recently

I’m not in a care home, nor close to it, but I did lose my mobility at 39.

Once it became clear it was a permanent disability, one of the first things I (secretly) did was build up a stock of two medicines which would kill me very peacefully if I ever feel I’ve had enough. I still maintain that stash and stock rotate it, even though I’m still working, coping, paying the mortgage, driving and generally functioning. Nobody knows about it, (well half of MN will now) but psychologically I have to have it because this state of being is already a huge compromise and hard work.

If I were ever institutionalised, I would use it first I think, or otherwise go the Merry substance-abuse route.

The thought of being in almost any care home is unbearable. Group activities, bingo, all that nonsense. And who wants to be left in a situation where you have to try to commit suicide by multiple papercuts?

RickiTarr · 18/05/2021 23:33

The fact is, this person is an adult, not a child. They can decide how they live their life, even if that is something other people disagree with. They can decide to drink, and not go out.

Well said. Can you imagine being put in one of those places and infantilised to within an inch of your life?

Summerfun54321 · 18/05/2021 23:40

Many of us have become socially anxious and drunk a lot more during covid. Just because she’s in this rut now, doesn’t mean it has to remain that way. Focus on improving her quality of life and the booze might reduce on its own.

Feelingconfused2020 · 19/05/2021 00:23

Can you explain why your mum can't live alone with carers. Presumably if you live close you could visit her regularly. The reasons I ask is that I agree it seems very young to have this level of restriction on freedoms like choosing when/if you drink.

I think honestly I wouldn't supply the booze even though I knew she could get it elsewhere potentially. I imagine if she's an alcoholic in her sixties she might well die of an alcohol related disease and I would want to separate myself from any part in that. Perhaps that selfish of me though.

moanyhole · 19/05/2021 00:24

[quote SappysCurry]@ThursdayWeld

Yes I know alcohol is not illegal but the care home have a duty of care and drinking hard spirits in that quantity is harmful to anyone of any age, let alone an elderly person.
I can see why the OP is concerned, so would any caring person be[/quote]
It's the family providing the booze!
I'm a care home manager. Have an elderly gentleman who has decided to go on a permanent bender. His health is failing and he knows it. I've done the usual, GP, psych reviews to keep the powers that be happy. The family keep voicing their concerns demanding to know what we are doing to stop it whilst simultaneously dropping of the booze each evening!!
He is quite likely in the last year of his life, has decided to throw 2 fingers at his diabetes and is permanently merry. Full mental capacity. Good for him. FFS if I had months to live I'd do the exact same thing

Feelingconfused2020 · 19/05/2021 00:25

Maybe put the care home situation to one side and imagine you had an alcoholic mum living down the road. Would you buy her booze then?

NotanotherboxofFrogs · 19/05/2021 00:39

I've spent months at a time in a nursing home funded by social services as a step down from hospital to a care package. I considered turning to alcohol myself and did get drunk on one visit out which the almighty ho-ha it caused was not worth it, it triggered a multi disciplinary meeting with GP, care home, MH team, social services to see why I was turning to alcohol. Meds had to be withheld due to the risk of interaction and apart from telling the staff I loved them, they physically helped me into bed as it was my physical decline had caused me to be there and I asked for a large breakfast in the morning. I kept myself sane with the internet, friends and weekly trips out for coffee. I was 39/40 and by far the youngest in the building and due to where the room was available, my room was on the dementia unit.

NotanotherboxofFrogs · 19/05/2021 00:40

So I can understand where your mum is coming from, but if on any medication is her alcohol consumption being monitored re that too.

Blossomtoes · 19/05/2021 00:52

Also, the PP comment about heroin might have been facetious

It was my comment and it wasn’t facetious. It was deadly serious.

katy1213 · 19/05/2021 01:04

Your poor mother. Do you think she really wants to live to be 80 in the circumstances she's in? How dare people try to deny her the one pleasure/means of blotting out reality she has left?
She's the same age as I am - holed up with a load of geriatrics - no prospect of her life improving, ever. I'd want a gallon of whisky, too.

Torvean · 19/05/2021 01:46

Drinking yourself to death is really not a nice thing to do. She might end up in tbd hospital needing all kind of treatment if/when her liver has had enough.
Obviously she can't go cold turkey .

Does the care home have an activities facilitator?
What did she use to enjoy before she had her stroke?

What are the care home saying about the amount she's drinking. They have duty of care is your mother intolerant to effects now or is she at risk?

Welshmaenad · 19/05/2021 01:50

[quote SappysCurry]@ThursdayWeld

Yes I know alcohol is not illegal but the care home have a duty of care and drinking hard spirits in that quantity is harmful to anyone of any age, let alone an elderly person.
I can see why the OP is concerned, so would any caring person be[/quote]
She's in her 60's with an acquired brain injury. She isn't 'elderly'. We don't even say 'elderly' any more.

goshthatsawful · 19/05/2021 01:57

What a terrible shame for her. And her family to have to watch and worry

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