Enabling alcoholic parent in care home?

[Worriedaboutmum2021]

I’ll try and keep it brief. Mum is in a care home following stroke several years ago. She is wheelchair bound, not very mobile, and though suffered some brain damage she is pretty “with it” mentally/emotionally.

All day long she watches tv in her room, in her wheelchair. She wheels herself out periodically for a cigarette (she started smoking when she went into the home). Every evening, she drinks a LOT of whisky.

She gets food deliveries organised by my aunt, consisting solely of whisky and cigarettes, sometimes some snacks. She texts me occasionally saying ‘emergency, run out of booze, next delivery not for another few days, please bring some’. So I have to go and buy her a bottle and drop it by.

In the space of 5 days last week, she drank over 2.5litres of whisky. I bought her a litre on Saturday.. she’s texted today to say she’s out and needs more.

I am obviously worried. She’s killing herself. I don’t know morally if it’s worse to continue to buy her alcohol without restrictions, thus contributing to a potential early death.. or to restrict or cut off her supply, thus taking away her free choice.

I’d love some opinions as it’s really upsetting me. On the one hand I’m angry with her for drinking so much and I don’t want her to die. On the other hand I think, if I was stuck in a care home before my time (she’s only mid-60’s) with nothing to do and not mobile, I’d probably seek pleasure where I could find it I.e. booze & cigarettes, so for gods sake leave her be.

I just don’t know. It’s horrible. I love her and it breaks my heart.

Thank you all for your replies - this was my first time posting in AIBU topic so wasn’t sure how it would go! But many of your messages have been very kind and I am grateful for the support. to everyone who has had to go through similar situations.

It's not easy OP

I do not agree with the "life must be extended at all costs" camp. She's in a care home with an ABI, surrounded by much older people, many of whom probably have dementia. She has limited mobility. Why shouldn't she do one of the few things she enjoys? Why should she extend her life just for the sake of it?

I was 39/40 and by far the youngest in the building and due to where the room was available, my room was on the dementia unit.

Bloody hell @NotanotherboxofFrogs I hope you are somewhere much more agreeable now.

I have a dear relative in a home. She doesn't drink but is v sad (that she is now old and frail). I would buy her alcohol if she wanted it. When life is that tough, whatever gets you through. My sincerest sympathy.

@RickiTarr Thank you. I got a care package in place which allowed me to live semi independent for 5 years but I was absolutely miserable, when I took a chance as I was told that there wasn't anything else to try so I came up with my own research and answers and after 18m waiting for funding and 6m in the unit, it changed my life. For the past year I have been living fully independent so thankfully I don't need carers anymore. I was wheeled in to the unit and had to be reminded to take the wheelchair with me on leaving the unit. I danced out.

Part of me did want to turn to alcohol while in the nursing home but the sheer commotion it caused just wasn't worth it so I can understand where the op mother is coming from, it helps blot out, erase the feeling of time passing and it's something that she seems to have control over her consumption when it feels like everything else is out of control.