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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm addicted to holidays, help me!!

105 replies

Jjlrb47922 · 18/05/2021 12:29

I know aibu. More so because my husband has to pay for them.
I'm a sahm / housewife, I don't have much of a life /no social life/no hobbies . Pre covid we took the kids out alot, days out to theme parks etc and holidays. Went to Disneyworld in 2018. Then covid came and stopped everything Angry
My issue is I'm obsessed with looking at holidays, thinking about holidays, researching holiday destinations, reading reviews, booking holidays and wanting to go on holiday all of the time. Not necessarily abroad, happy with the UK. In fact I would like to be a travel agent Grin.
I could sit at the computer and do this all day every day. I get immense pleasure from it.
I want to travel the world and experience things. Especially with my children. And I feel like there is only a certain amount of time you can do this with them before they grow up. Last night I had a homonal crying meltdown /tantrum because of this. I basically upset myself thinking about it and the fact my kids will be grown up in 10 years.
Weve always spent money that came in and didn't save ( very silly I know). Covid preventing us from doing anything has meant my husband has been able to save large chunks of his wage and we have a good savings pot for the first time ever. I want to spend some of this on holidays over the next couple of years and he doesn't. He wants to continue saving l for a few years, but also he has no interest in ever going anywhere. He's a home biddy and I'm not. . I know he is right but the effect this has had on me is absolutely stupid and so over the top. I feel like an addict being refused something! I know this is completely rediculous, and I know the reason is because I'm stuck at home all day every day and my life is just boring and monotonous. Please help me by suggesting how to snap out of this daft obsession and fill my life with other thinsgs

OP posts:
DilemmaADay · 18/05/2021 13:25

I'd start off by trying to expand your horizons a bit OP, try and join some local meet up groups when Covid permits, walking groups etc. There's lots of things that are free and allow you to meet people. Once you feel more confident, try and look into part time work (suiting your disability of course).

If your DH is reluctant to go away and is a home bird, could you look at going with a mate, family member etc?

nameme8746 · 18/05/2021 13:25

Why don't you look at becoming a self employed travel agent, no idea how it works, but I've used independent home based travel agents. If you don't require the income you don't need to worry about the financial risk!

My dream is to be an American road trip consultant, very niche Grin

Original poster
Jjlrb47922 · 18/05/2021 13:25

@Womencanlift I've been told this before when I've posted previously on here (different name).
There is an element of this I think, but we have sat and spoken about this alot.

The hob he does he is under a lot of pressure. It is very mentally tiring and he has a long commute. Even though its much easier for him that I'm a sahm as he doesn't have to think about the house or the kids, he kind of feels that he is the only one "grafting" as he calls it. (because the kids are at school most of the day, I'm not actually looking after them the whole time). He sees it that I'm a lady of leisure and he is having to fund everything. As I said it's tricky

OP posts:
Original poster
Jjlrb47922 · 18/05/2021 13:25

*the job he does

OP posts:
ZoeMaye · 18/05/2021 13:26

So you could get your hair and nails done but could you go on a spa day with a friend? Or to a concert? Or for a night out? Could you go for a meal out or a coffee? What about doing an evening class or a hobby where you were out the house/had to pay for a term? There are lots of ways to get that holiday feeling. Like for me, going to get a beauty treatment or to see some live music or for some food out helps me to meet the same kind of feelings as a holiday. Sometimes I have been on a really limited budget but still found ways to have a little bit of that.

Tal45 · 18/05/2021 13:26

What about joining the PTA at your children's school?

Pinkdelight3 · 18/05/2021 13:26

Jeez, that's awful about your DH and worse that he's got you thinking it's a reasonable attitude. Why on earth shouldn't you 'work for free' if it gives you a sense of meaning and purpose each day, not to mention confidence, skills, connections and a pathway to paid employment??? You're so young and have so much more to give - and to enjoy - than this limbo he's keeping you locked up in. What about some kind of training course? What objection could he possibly have to that? And it's not him paying for it anyway. It's your money from facilitating his career and caring for his children, and it's a much better investment than a holiday!

paralysedbyinertia · 18/05/2021 13:27

I would like to volunteer or do a hobby during the day but husband won't pay for it and doesn't want me "out working for free" which I can kind of understand.

This is concerning, OP. It's fair enough if your DH would prefer you to seek paid work over and above voluntary work, but then he needs to be ready to pick up some of the slack with the kids. He can't just expect you to sit at home without a purpose or interests of your own. This is your problem, really - not the holidays.

Branleuse · 18/05/2021 13:27

You dont need his permission to do volunteering and you dont need him to be on board with yur reasons.
Personal fulfilment, keeping your hand in with working, giving yourself a routine and helping your community are all important. The fact that its voluntary means that you are likely to have more leeway and flexibility than if you were paid for it.

If your husband doesnt agree, how is that your problem? He doesnt own you.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 18/05/2021 13:29
Hmm
Lemmen · 18/05/2021 13:30

No wonder you're desperate and bored. That's not okay. Why does he get to tell you how to live your life?

Original poster
Jjlrb47922 · 18/05/2021 13:31

@paralysedbyinertia

I would like to volunteer or do a hobby during the day but husband won't pay for it and doesn't want me "out working for free" which I can kind of understand.

This is concerning, OP. It's fair enough if your DH would prefer you to seek paid work over and above voluntary work, but then he needs to be ready to pick up some of the slack with the kids. He can't just expect you to sit at home without a purpose or interests of your own. This is your problem, really - not the holidays.

Yes this is the problem and I don't know how to get out of it. He doesn't think it's fair that I should fill my days with "fun" things that he has to pay for whilst he is out working hard.
OP posts:
newnortherner111 · 18/05/2021 13:32

You can be choosing and looking forward to much less expensive things, such as a trip to the theatre and/or cinema.

allthequeenshorsesandmen · 18/05/2021 13:33

F

Original poster
Jjlrb47922 · 18/05/2021 13:33

@ZoeMaye

So you could get your hair and nails done but could you go on a spa day with a friend? Or to a concert? Or for a night out? Could you go for a meal out or a coffee? What about doing an evening class or a hobby where you were out the house/had to pay for a term? There are lots of ways to get that holiday feeling. Like for me, going to get a beauty treatment or to see some live music or for some food out helps me to meet the same kind of feelings as a holiday. Sometimes I have been on a really limited budget but still found ways to have a little bit of that.
This is the solution for me, but I don't know how to achieve it. I am a very plain Jane, very overweight, not very girly, so I don't do pampering stuff and don't enjoy it. I don't have lots of confidence, and since not working I have missed out on a social life. Then covid too. I don't have a large extended family and I am an only child so I don't have any friend's or family to socialise with. It's all very depressing Confused
OP posts:
Sweak · 18/05/2021 13:35

I would like to volunteer or do a hobby during the day but husband won't pay for it and doesn't want me "out working for free" which I can kind of understand.

Do you have access to money? From that part of your post it sounds not as you have to ask him for money for a hobby.

"Out working for free" is a strange mindset..lots of schemes only survive through volunteering. And it might help for future employment for when the kids are a bit older. Irregardless it's something to do and a way to get out of the house talking to people.

Ultimately what you do with your time is not down to him.

Booboobadoo · 18/05/2021 13:36

If you both worked you could share the childcare and costs of childcare. It would be hard, but at the moment you're sacrificing your well-being and are totally financially dependent on your husband. Is this where he wants you? In which case I can see you're in a very difficult situation.

ZoeMaye · 18/05/2021 13:37

I have had a point in my life where I was in a new area needed to make new friends etc. And I have studied, worked, volunteered, found my local community centre and signed up for everything going, chatted to strangers in the park or on the bus even. It can seem impossible, but gradually you begin to make connections and build a life and you feel your life expanding instead of narrowing. The difference for me is I had left the controlling man behind and could have autonomy over my life. I hope that you can find that space to be yourself within your marriage, but please do not let your husband shrink you and your life if that's not possible. You deserve your own happiness and self growth

MichelleScarn · 18/05/2021 13:39

But it's not that easy to find a role like that because I'd need 13 weeks a year off for the kids! I never understand this thought process, how do you think the majority of working parents cope?

Branleuse · 18/05/2021 13:39

[quote Jjlrb47922]@Womencanlift I've been told this before when I've posted previously on here (different name).
There is an element of this I think, but we have sat and spoken about this alot.

The hob he does he is under a lot of pressure. It is very mentally tiring and he has a long commute. Even though its much easier for him that I'm a sahm as he doesn't have to think about the house or the kids, he kind of feels that he is the only one "grafting" as he calls it. (because the kids are at school most of the day, I'm not actually looking after them the whole time). He sees it that I'm a lady of leisure and he is having to fund everything. As I said it's tricky[/quote]
So you cant win really?
You arent allowed to take a volunteer position as thats working for free. You cant take a paid position as you need to be available for childcare and he works 12 hour days including holidays
You cant take up a hobby as he wont pay for it.
Being a stay at home mum means youre lounging around being a lady of leisure.

Wtf does he want from you? Sounds like you cant win no matter what. Being given bits of money for little things he approves of sounds like hes keeping you like a pet and doesnt respect that you actually enable his life and career to run smoothly whilst raising his children with no personal fulfilment of your own

paralysedbyinertia · 18/05/2021 13:40

I can actually understand him not wanting you to fill your days with fun stuff while he works hard in a stressful job. As the main breadwinner in our family, I'd feel quite resentful of that if I'm honest. However, that doesn't - and cannot - mean that you should be consigned to a life of emptiness and boredom. If he wants you to share the responsibility of earning a living, then he needs to make some changes that will enable you to work. You're a team, and it cannot just be on you to make this possible. The house and children are not just your responsibility.

If he isn't willing to make any changes that will facilitate you working, then he needs to accept that paid work isn't possible and change his attitude about how you spend your time as a SAHP. He can't expect you to just sit at home with nothing in your life.

I don't know how you can get through to him about this, though. I think you will just have to discuss options, and tell him very firmly that you are no longer going to live that kind of empty life. And be prepared to walk away from the relationship if he can't support your very reasonable need for personal fulfillment. You deserve better than the life you're living right now.

Pinkdelight3 · 18/05/2021 13:40

It really seems so clear that finding some kind of work would solve so many of your issues. It's not that you even want leisure activities. It's the mentally-engaging part of the equation that you enjoy, not the release of the actual holiday or having nails done etc. Even a 16-hour a week gig would give you some financial independence and a whole heap of other benefits, from self-worth to human interaction. Couldn't you put your well-honed research skills into action investigating what's possible? Whether it's something in your community or your own small business or any number of remote working opportunities that are emerging now. Or the volunteering or study route. Just take the initiative and don't let him keep you down. As soon as you do something, things will open up.

MichelleScarn · 18/05/2021 13:40

How old are the children?

Lalliella · 18/05/2021 13:43

I’m with you OP. It’s been driving me mad not being able to go on holiday lately. And my kids are older teens, I have hardly any time left to take them places and there’s so many places I’d like to go with them. Definitely a hormonal mess too!

I have satisfied some of my wanderlust during lockdown by doing lots of walking and cycling in my local area and exploring places I never knew were there. But now I want to break out and go wider afield.

I would definitely echo what others have had in that you need to get a job. There’s a power imbalance in your relationship with your DH and I think having your own money would help that. You need to talk to him properly about your dreams and see if you can find a compromise. And if you could get a job as a travel agent, so much the better 😊

freakyfridays · 18/05/2021 13:43

You need to train or study in the view of getting a paid job!
Even in tourism if you like.

There are jobs that are term-time only, mainly in schools to be fair!

I could totally understand your "addiction" to holidays if you were actually enjoying them! I'd spend 6 months on holiday if I could, but if you are not, then you need to redirect your time and energy.