Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I like the gift DH gave to his ex wife better

125 replies

Anuta77 · 17/05/2021 16:23

For Mother's day, my DH gave me a flower bouquet from a pharmacy with a chocolat (brand that I often buy myself and not the type that I like the best and he knows it). Pharmacy bouquets fade really fast and he knows it, I always mention it.

To his ex wife, he got an online voucher for a facial treatment. According to me, it would be more expensive than flowers, but he says that the bouquet was more expensive. But even if we forget the price, I feel that a treatment is much nicer than a bouquet and I feel upset. AIBU?

OP posts:
PinkSatinMoon · 18/05/2021 03:44

Tell him to ram his flowers and chocolates where the sun don't shine, failing that, tell him not to include you in his game playing.

If he has a tradition with his Ex fine, but don't insult your intelligence by buying you a cheap naff alternative, to shut you up.

YANBU. Flowers

Member438861 · 18/05/2021 04:34

It's amazing what people are allowed to get away with. If I bought my ex wife a mother's day present my wife would chuck me out on the spot

1forAll74 · 18/05/2021 04:38

Does this matter, ? it really should not matter. and not even questioned at all.

PinkSatinMoon · 18/05/2021 05:05

@1forAll74

Does this matter, ? it really should not matter. and not even questioned at all.
Not to everyone obviously, but to OP it most certainly does, and its her Thread therefore.... yes it matters, and not questioning anything in your marriage is kinda text book 1950's behaviour.. right.
BadNomad · 18/05/2021 05:45

Flowers and a voucher are both crap gifts given by people with no imagination imo. But looking at the effort put in and the sentiment attached yours holds more value. In his mind the flowers, chocolates and song meant more. I doubt he was thinking "I bet ex would really love a facial!" More likely "Hmm what's easy to get".

Funnyface1 · 18/05/2021 07:15

Your face must be holding up better than hers.

UrAWizHarry · 18/05/2021 08:55

@Member438861

It's amazing what people are allowed to get away with. If I bought my ex wife a mother's day present my wife would chuck me out on the spot
"You've done a nice thing for the mother of your children! Leave!".
littlepattilou · 18/05/2021 10:43

@Summerfun54321

Fine for him to appreciate his ex, but to give gifts to his wife and ex wife for the same occasion at the same time is asking for a comparison and asking for trouble. Either he keeps doing it and doesn’t tell you what the gift is, or he stops doing it. I think it’s fine to tell him you don’t want to know as you’ll naturally be comparing.

I agree with this but disagree with the idea that he should keep buying the ex wife gifts and not tell his actual^ wife what he is buying. That is literally 'doing things behind her back' territory.

IMO, no married man should be buying gifts for other women that he is not related to. It's weird and inappropriate. There is the occasional situation in which it's OK, like if it's Christmas, and the man is buying gifts for all the women in the office. But to just buy for one, and keep buying for that same one, (when he is married,) is wrong.

Some people say that if a man has been friends with a woman for a few years before he met his wife, (and they used to exchange gifts) it's OK to stay close with that woman, and still exchange gifts and stay close friends etc. But IMO it's not. The dynamic of the friendship HAS to change when you get married. Your spouse is No 1 priority now. If you don't want to adhere to that, then don't get married.

As I said earlier, when you get married, your devotion and loyalty is (or SHOULD be) to your spouse. Making a fuss of a person of the opposite sex and buying them stuff (especially an EX,) is just weird and inappropriate.

I have a friend who is 45 now, and got married at 30. For the first ten years of their marriage, her DH always had a female friend at work. If any new woman joined the company, he would try to make her his 'friend.' Only the single ones of course - never the married ones. He had 4 or 5 close female 'friends' in the workplace over ten years!

Whenever my friend and he went anywhere for a daytrip or a holiday, he would scoot around looking for a gift for his current (female) close friend. Poring over things and taking time to get the right 'gift.' She told him quite a few times that it upset her, and was inconsiderate of her and her feelings.

He even did it on a trip they went on (to Paris) for their 5th wedding anniversary. Spent hours looking for a gift for 'Sue' at work. In addition, these women used to buy him gifts too! Never her, (and never joint gifts,) just him. In fact, they didn't want to know her.

He told her she was silly to make a fuss, and she has no need to be jealous, coz she 'is just a friend.' My friend said she thinks he likes it that she is upset. She said it's not even jealousy at all, it's the fact that he is being horribly disrespectful, and not considering her feelings, and that it's a nasty way to treat your wife.

So fast forward a few years to her 40th birthday (10 years after they got married.) A man at work (who started just a few months earlier,) bought her a big bunch of roses and a box of chocolates, and a nice card. You guessed it, her husband went ballistic. Red with rage. Like who the fuck does he think he is, buying MY WIFE fucking flowers and chocolates?' Angry

She said she was gobsmacked.

'Well you have spent the last ten years buying gifts for your female 'friends' but no man is allowed to buy anything for me?' she said. He said 'well THEY were all single, I would never buy a fucking married woman anything. I wouldn't stoop so low as to disrespect her husband like that.'

My friend said 'no, but you are happy to stoop so low as to disrespect ME, your wife, by constantly buying gifts for other women. Even on our wedding anniversary trips! And they constantly bought you gifts back. For your birthday, for Christmas, from their holidays. Nothing for me, just you!'

He still didn't 'get' it, and thought it was fine, because these women were single, and were just his friends. My friend said well it's NOT OK, and I am glad you're fucked off and upset that this man has bought me flowers and chocolates. Now you know how you have made ME feel for the past 10 or 11 years.

3 years later, they broke up. Apparently her husband didn't like it when she became good friends with this man, and they bought each other gifts, and became close friends. It's OK when HE does it, but not OK when SHE does.

Sorry for the ramble there Just wanted to illustrate an example of how (IMO) it's not cool to keep buying gifts for a member of the opposite sex, when you're married. It gives the wrong signals out, and blurs the lines between friendship and something more^ than friendship.

Sunflowers095 · 18/05/2021 20:35

@flashylamp

Honestly it's sad to read posts like this.

It makes you sad that I would be annoyed if my DH bought his ex a Mother's Day gift?

She's the mother of his children. They could be on great terms and good friends. It's a lovely example to set to your children of a healthy co-parenting relationship.

I think you need to set the example of co parenting long before they are adults

Co-parenting doesn't stop when the child turns 18 either. I think it's ridiculous how many posters can't imagine a nice healthy relationship where it's a nice thing to do, not a red flag..

They are not in a relationship. That's the whole point.

I just find it weird that so many posters think healthy relationships between exes can't exist.

Relationship doesn't just mean romantic relationship, surely that's just common sense.

PinkSatinMoon · 18/05/2021 20:42

I just find it weird that so many posters think healthy relationships between exes can't exist.

of course they CAN exist.. and good on them... that's not the issue here at all...

the issue is... OP's DH purchasing his Ex-Wife a gift deemed more thoughtful and expensive than the cheaper thoughtless alternative his gave his actual Wife 🌸

Plenty Ex couples co-parent very happily.

Anuta77 · 19/05/2021 17:07

@Member438861

It's amazing what people are allowed to get away with. If I bought my ex wife a mother's day present my wife would chuck me out on the spot
Well, we did have an issue and he's not getting any for some time...
OP posts:
Anuta77 · 19/05/2021 17:09

@BadNomad

Flowers and a voucher are both crap gifts given by people with no imagination imo. But looking at the effort put in and the sentiment attached yours holds more value. In his mind the flowers, chocolates and song meant more. I doubt he was thinking "I bet ex would really love a facial!" More likely "Hmm what's easy to get".
Yes, that's what I'm trying to tell myself not to feel too bad about it, trying to put myself in his shoes, but I still don't see why he had to treat her, a congratulation message would have been more than enough IMO.
OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 19/05/2021 17:12

I still don't see why he had to treat her, a congratulation message would have been more than enough IMO

Because she’s the mother of his children. You know, just like you.

Anuta77 · 19/05/2021 17:35

@Blossomtoes

I still don't see why he had to treat her, a congratulation message would have been more than enough IMO

Because she’s the mother of his children. You know, just like you.

No, she's not like me. They separated 16 years ago. And it's me who's there for him every day.
OP posts:
Anuta77 · 19/05/2021 17:40

I completely understand where you are coming from. Not the same scenario, but I got very similar gifts for my mum and my step mum as I thought they'd both love them. My mum felt a bit upset for the same reasons you are saying.

Because similar gifts could mean that both people have similar value for you and a mother (or a wife, in my case) wants to be more important than a SM or an ex.

I'm not sure why a wife would be ok or even encourage the husband to give a gift to an ex, unless the ex is nice to her and she actually likes her, which is not the case here.

OP posts:
HotToddyColdSauvignon · 19/05/2021 17:40

I think he sounds like a nice guy. You sounds a bit grabby tbh.

Do you want him to make sure next time he spends x16 value of her gift on you ?

Blossomtoes · 19/05/2021 17:41

And it’s her who’s brought up the children he had with her before he met you. It’s about Mothers’ Day, both of you have exactly the same standing as the mothers of his children. It’s not called Wives’ Day.

Anuta77 · 19/05/2021 17:47

@PinkSatinMoon

I just find it weird that so many posters think healthy relationships between exes can't exist.

of course they CAN exist.. and good on them... that's not the issue here at all...

the issue is... OP's DH purchasing his Ex-Wife a gift deemed more thoughtful and expensive than the cheaper thoughtless alternative his gave his actual Wife 🌸

Plenty Ex couples co-parent very happily.

Exactly :)

Not to mention that when your children are adults, you no longer need to coparent.

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 19/05/2021 17:55

I'm think it's nice that he remembers her on Mother's Day (perceived value of gift aside). Not everyone has to be at war with their Ex.

I went to an 80th birthday dinner where the ex-wife of many years past was an honoured guest and was beautifully thanked in the speech for the children & by extension grandchildren / great-grandchildren that were the light of his life. It was lovely.

With regards the gift OP I don't think any good will come from mulling on it. Enjoy your chocolate, admire your flowers and book yourself a nice facial x

PinkSatinMoon · 19/05/2021 18:04

@ImInStealthMode

I'm think it's nice that he remembers her on Mother's Day (perceived value of gift aside). Not everyone has to be at war with their Ex.

I went to an 80th birthday dinner where the ex-wife of many years past was an honoured guest and was beautifully thanked in the speech for the children & by extension grandchildren / great-grandchildren that were the light of his life. It was lovely.

With regards the gift OP I don't think any good will come from mulling on it. Enjoy your chocolate, admire your flowers and book yourself a nice facial x

Nobody said OP is at war with his Ex 🙄

ImInStealthMode · 19/05/2021 18:18

@PinkSatinMoon Neither did I? I was referring to the previous posters who seem to think it's absurd that anyone (OP's DH in this case) should show a bit of respect and kindness for the other parent of their joint children, rather than animosity.

In MN world apparently your ex must be completely dead to you the second the separation agreement is signed.

phoenixrosehere · 19/05/2021 18:56

YANBU to be upset if the gifts he bought weren’t up to your standards.

HOWEVER,

YABVU with your attitude about how he treats his ex who he had children with.

Because similar gifts could mean that both people have similar value for you and a mother (or a wife, in my case) wants to be more important than a SM or an ex.

But you didn’t get similar gifts. She got a facial and you were given flowers, chocolates, and a song he recorded especially for YOU.

I'm not sure why a wife would be ok or even encourage the husband to give a gift to an ex, unless the ex is nice to her and she actually likes her, which is not the case here.

Whether you like her or not, or you two get along, it doesn’t change the fact that she is the mother of his children. That doesn’t erase because he entered a relationship with you. You entered a relationship knowing he had an ex and children with her, and you seemingly want to erase it because you’re his current wife? Doesn’t work that way. They will always have a relationship to each other because they have children.

The way a man treats the mother of his children, especially his ex speaks volumes on how he is likely to treat the next woman that he enters into a romantic relationship with.

Is he a bad partner? A bad father? Are you afraid he’s going to somehow go back to his ex? Do you not trust him? Are there other things going on in the relationship? Why so much angst over this?

HeckyPeck · 19/05/2021 19:24

@Anuta77

I completely understand where you are coming from. Not the same scenario, but I got very similar gifts for my mum and my step mum as I thought they'd both love them. My mum felt a bit upset for the same reasons you are saying.

Because similar gifts could mean that both people have similar value for you and a mother (or a wife, in my case) wants to be more important than a SM or an ex.

I'm not sure why a wife would be ok or even encourage the husband to give a gift to an ex, unless the ex is nice to her and she actually likes her, which is not the case here.

Yes exactly.

It's even worse of him if there is animosity from her towards you. His loyalty should be to his actual wife.

Anuta77 · 19/05/2021 20:22

Whether you like her or not, or you two get along, it doesn’t change the fact that she is the mother of his children. That doesn’t erase because he entered a relationship with you. You entered a relationship knowing he had an ex and children with her, and you seemingly want to erase it because you’re his current wife? Doesn’t work that way.

@phoenixrosehere , sometimes it does work like that, my ex did erase me and our son when he entered a new relationship. But I wasn't suggesting erasing anybody. It's about a NICE gift given to an ex who has a partner and gets a lot of gifts from her too. So I don't even think it was necessary, you can appreciate someone for being the mother of your kids by simply congratulating them, it's already nice enough.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 19/05/2021 20:28

So I don't even think it was necessary, you can appreciate someone for being the mother of your kids by simply congratulating them, it's already nice enough.

So was this a new thing he started with giving her a gift or was it something he has always done?

If this is something he has always done, why is it an issue now? Or, has it always been an issue?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread