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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I like the gift DH gave to his ex wife better

125 replies

Anuta77 · 17/05/2021 16:23

For Mother's day, my DH gave me a flower bouquet from a pharmacy with a chocolat (brand that I often buy myself and not the type that I like the best and he knows it). Pharmacy bouquets fade really fast and he knows it, I always mention it.

To his ex wife, he got an online voucher for a facial treatment. According to me, it would be more expensive than flowers, but he says that the bouquet was more expensive. But even if we forget the price, I feel that a treatment is much nicer than a bouquet and I feel upset. AIBU?

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/05/2021 18:48

He sounds like a very nice man, rushing about to make sure that two mothers of his children received a gift. I don't suppose he spent ages reading things into each gift. Just bought what he could at the time.

Are you insecure about your status or do you begrudge the ex an acknowledgement.

Maybe buy yourself a beauty treatment and move on.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 17/05/2021 18:48

That's what happens when you hitch up with a man with a past, whether it be an ex-wife, children or whatever. You accept what you get. You are obviously feeling very insecure if you compare gifts! Ask yourself what you expect - for him to ignore people from his past and judge gifts on the cost? Get a life!

Sunflowers095 · 17/05/2021 18:49

@flashylamp

I would be really annoyed if DH bought his ex a Mother's Day gift - she is his ex, not his mother Confused
Honestly it's sad to read posts like this.

She's the mother of his children. They could be on great terms and good friends. It's a lovely example to set to your children of a healthy co-parenting relationship.

Co-parenting doesn't stop when the child turns 18 either. I think it's ridiculous how many posters can't imagine a nice healthy relationship where it's a nice thing to do, not a red flag..

DianeCherry · 17/05/2021 18:53

@4PawsGood

Why is he buying his ex anything? Was it from his children?
This
1FootInTheRave · 17/05/2021 18:54

I'd be mega pissed tbh.

Not if the kids were small obviously.

The flowers to me are a thoughtless gift. No effort and no thought.

KrisAkabusi · 17/05/2021 18:59

@1FootInTheRave

I'd be mega pissed tbh.

Not if the kids were small obviously.

The flowers to me are a thoughtless gift. No effort and no thought.

What about the chocolate that he knows she likes, and the song he sang and recorded for her? Do they not count? Even though there was effort and thought behind them.
overnightangel · 17/05/2021 18:59

He could easily get a voucher for a facial treatment for £20/$20 on Wowcher or if the US have an equivalent site (I’m presuming they do)

Waiting for the drip feed to find out what he’s really done wrong ... 🙄

Hankunamatata · 17/05/2021 18:59

Comparison is the thief of joy - most def in this case. Why cant you enjoy the chocolate, flowers and song that he took time and effort to choose for you. He went online and click ordered something for the ex

daisypond · 17/05/2021 19:02

Well, I think you got the better gift. I like flowers. It’s also the more romantic gift. A voucher for a facial treatment sounds awful to me. However, I think you’re getting confused by the perceived monetary worth of the presents. Also, he got you both different gifts- that’s important - because he sees you differently.

rwalker · 17/05/2021 19:02

@JungleIsMassive
Just let him know that in the future you would appreciate a facial over flowers.

I think you need to really clear about this to avoid any awkward misunderstand .

Gilly12345 · 17/05/2021 19:03

Both presents are very acceptable, however I find it odd that he buys her a present when the children are now adults. 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

HeckyPeck · 17/05/2021 19:08

Yes, I can afford a treatment for me, but I guess my love language is gift giving, so for me, it's a sensitive subject.
I'm sure he thought it was a nice gift (he also recorded a song for me, which is romantic), he's not the best gift giver, but he tries.

When I questionned him, he told me that what he got his ex was 20$, but I know that these things don't cost so little. As for my bouquet, he offered to go grocery shopping (and I knew he was going to get me something), but at the supermarket, the bouquets were not big or nice enough (or expensive enough), so he went to the pharmacy (the only other open store) and there, he said the bouquet was 40$. Obviously, I don't want to count money and if he didn't give anything to the ex (or got her something actually cheap), I would be grateful.

It's more the fact that when you get a gift, but then he gives something very comparable in price and value to an ex, to me it reduces the value of the gesture (and in reality, if you remember me, he has 2 exes, I just didn't want to shock people here)...

I completely understand where you are coming from. Not the same scenario, but I got very similar gifts for my mum and my step mum as I thought they'd both love them. My mum felt a bit upset for the same reasons you are saying.

The song recording is very sweet of him, but I wouldn't appreciate his lying.

The person saying he should buy you both equal value gifts 🤣🤣🤣

I suppose it's nice (personally I find it a bit odd) that he buys her a gift, but he should 100% be putting more thought and effort into his actual wife. I think he probably thinks he has with picking out the flowers and recording you a song.

If my DH got a massage voucher for his ex wife from him and not DSD I think both me and his ex wife would be thinking wtf?!

It also depends on his (and your) relationship with his ex too. If she treats either of you horribly he shouldn't be buying her a gift at all.

Blossomtoes · 17/05/2021 19:09

@GappyValley

I’d say there is something a little bit salty about buying an ex a present that says ‘your face needs sorting out’..!
I thought that too. It wouldn’t impress me.
littlepattilou · 17/05/2021 19:16

@FunTimes2020

Very odd for a man to buy his wife a mother's day present when DC are grown ups. Getting a present for an ex (of many years from what you said) is BEYOND odd. What a strange set up. What the hell must ex's current partner think?! Tell him to knock it on the head next year as neither of the recipients are his mother!
I agree with this.

It's weird as fuck IMO for a man to be buying stuff for his ex wife for Mothers Day. Especially when the children are now adults. It's weird for a man to be buying anything for his ex for any reason actually.

Also, it's weird IMO for a man to buy anything for Mothers Day, for anyone but his own MOTHER anyway.

@Anuta77 YANBU. I would want to know why he is buying anything for her at all. Has he always done this? This would only be happening if they were very close to be honest.

And whilst there's nothing wrong with being close to your ex (especially if you had children together;) when you're in another/new relationship, that close relationship with the ex must take a back seat, because it's horribly disrespectful and inconsiderate towards your new partner.

As a few posters have said, what must his ex wife's new partner think?

YANBU ... I would tell him you are unhappy with it tbh.

And LOL at the 'he sounds like a nice man, you're SOOOOO lucky' type comments. Yeah right, coz that's what every woman wants and needs...A man who is still so close to his ex that he still buys her gifts!

Like anyone saying he has done nothing wrong, would stand for this from THEIR man. LOL. As if!

Josette77 · 17/05/2021 19:21

This would not bother me at all. My partner's ex just had surgery and I told him he should send her a get-well package of tea and candles. They don't have kids, but they work together every day. I like when people get along with their exes.

flashylamp · 17/05/2021 19:22

Honestly it's sad to read posts like this.

It makes you sad that I would be annoyed if my DH bought his ex a Mother's Day gift?

She's the mother of his children. They could be on great terms and good friends. It's a lovely example to set to your children of a healthy co-parenting relationship.

I think you need to set the example of co parenting long before they are adults

Co-parenting doesn't stop when the child turns 18 either. I think it's ridiculous how many posters can't imagine a nice healthy relationship where it's a nice thing to do, not a red flag..

They are not in a relationship. That's the whole point.

Rmka · 17/05/2021 19:42

I honestly don't understand and think YABU. He did a nice thing here. He doesn't have to give any Mother's Day gifts to you or to his ex, but he does. It's such a nice gesture. Why are you so insecure? Does he give you any reasons not to trust him?
And he may actually think your gift is better and I think the value of his intentions and effort is higher.

  • he got you flowers, he went to one shop but they weren't good enough so he went to another shop. He got you chocolates. And he recorded a song for you. That's a lot of effort for a Mother's Day. It's not like it's an anniversary or your birthday.
  • his ex got a voucher he ordered on the internet. That's minimal effort. And I wouldn't be surprised if he found a discounted facial that's why it was cheaper than your gifts. He probably thought that this wouldn't be good enough for you as he put no effort into this gift.
Blossomtoes · 17/05/2021 20:14

They are not in a relationship. That's the whole point

Depends on your definition of relationship, doesn’t it? Most of us have relationships with all sorts of people. It’s such a shame that so many people think it has to all bitterness and acrimony with an ex. I’m very glad I get on with mine - and his wife.

flashylamp · 17/05/2021 20:23

@Blossomtoes

They are not in a relationship. That's the whole point

Depends on your definition of relationship, doesn’t it? Most of us have relationships with all sorts of people. It’s such a shame that so many people think it has to all bitterness and acrimony with an ex. I’m very glad I get on with mine - and his wife.

You don't have to be bitter, just not send a Mother's Day gift to someone who isn't your mother or the mother of your adult children.

ejhhhhh · 17/05/2021 20:55

Well I'd have preferred the facial over the flowers too, especially as they were cheapie flowers. I'd be telling my OH that in the future, I'd be expecting a better gift, especially as his ex seems to have got a better gift. I don't really have an issue with him buying his ex a gift, they may well be friends, it is OK to buy friends gifts. But to give you, his actual wife and also mother of this children, a substandard gift is absolutely not OK. I'd just tell him that straight, and that you're expecting a upgrade!

UrAWizHarry · 17/05/2021 20:57

If the man and his ex get on, what's the harm in him getting her a gift? It's just a nice thing to do. Buying a voucher online takes zero effort. Plus, mothers day is a bullshit excuse for card companies to make money so really, who gives a shit?

custardbear · 17/05/2021 20:57

@Ellie56

Buying gifts for his ex when their DC are grown up? Why? Hmm

I'd be pissed off too.

^^ this ... with bells on
Summerfun54321 · 17/05/2021 20:59

Fine for him to appreciate his ex, but to give gifts to his wife and ex wife for the same occasion at the same time is asking for a comparison and asking for trouble. Either he keeps doing it and doesn’t tell you what the gift is, or he stops doing it. I think it’s fine to tell him you don’t want to know as you’ll naturally be comparing.

Rtmhwales · 17/05/2021 21:02

Does she give him a fathers say gift?

em9283 · 17/05/2021 21:12

How old are the kids and how long were they together/ been split up?

It could be a tradition they've had for a number of years. Maybe his kids although older don't have the funds to buy gifts?

I don't think it's fair to say he hasn't made an effort if he's recorded a song and got the chocolate you like and flowers. A voucher for a facial is quite impersonal really.