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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband becomes really nasty sometimes.

80 replies

itwillcomeback · 17/05/2021 00:12

Is it normal? When he's stressed he's very very nasty to me. Bad attitude. Tutting, being mean for no reason, just the 'humph' attitude. Today he was throwing a hissy fit because 'I have too much stuff'. We're looking to renovate and moving out and even though I try to always stay a step ahead and tidy and box things up, there are some things that I simply did not have the time for. We have young children too.

When we first moved he did the same. When we have visitors around. Or when we're fixing something. I've also noticed he does it more around his family members. Almost like he's trying to show who's boss and wears the pants.

My question is this normal and AIBU to be very sad and upset by it. It's happened so often that my anger turns to sadness. I do sometimes end up taking it out on my family but then explain I'm just stressed out. I feel the the happiness of doing something great even though it is stressful it's still exciting, all seems to go down the drain for me.

Before you ask if we have talked about it. Yes we have a million times. He agrees and then does it again. Today he's pretending like all is ok and just ignored me. Basically can't even look at me. He's fully aware I'm not happy.

And please MN no posting about 'leave him' etc. He's a good man. Just had his moments which I feel I need to manage. How do I talk about it and does it happen to you?

OP posts:
Scottishmum1984 · 17/05/2021 00:14

Not any more since I left my ex husband four years ago and now I’m not followed round by an angry, critical storm cloud all day. You have every right to feel how you do, it’s unacceptable behaviour from him and you deserve so much better xx

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 00:18

It's really tough because you've outlined a situation that makes it absolutely clear you should leave him but also said you definitely won't be leaving him. People can't respond with their genuine opinion if the obvious, logical conclusion (not raising children in this toxic dynamic) is off the table for you.

Cadent · 17/05/2021 00:18

A good man wouldn’t treat you this way or be nasty. He’s not a good man.

When he’s nasty in front of his family, what do you do? What would happen if you said ‘Don’t you fucking dare talk to me like that again’ and walk out?

Original poster
itwillcomeback · 17/05/2021 00:20

@Cadent

A good man wouldn’t treat you this way or be nasty. He’s not a good man.

When he’s nasty in front of his family, what do you do? What would happen if you said ‘Don’t you fucking dare talk to me like that again’ and walk out?

Then I would have to deal with a huge argument and embarrassment in front of his family which I try to avoid. (They would love to see us in such a situation).

This happens like 2/3 times a year so it's not very often.

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 17/05/2021 00:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 17/05/2021 00:27

When he's stressed he's very very nasty, he's mean for no reason.

When you have visitors or family around, he's trying to show who's boss and wears the pants.

If you pulled him up on it, you'd have to deal with a huge argument and embarrassment in front of his family.

It's safe to say that you're idea of a good man and mine are completely different.

Until you raise the bar and change your way of thinking, you'll always get what you've always got I'm afraid.

Cadent · 17/05/2021 00:28

Then I would have to deal with a huge argument and embarrassment in front of his family which I try to avoid. (They would love to see us in such a situation).

So he knows you won’t challenge him on his nasty behaviour in front his family due to embarrassment. He has really done a number on you OP Sad

What happens when he’s nasty when you’re at home? Do you keep quiet and take it due to the kids?

This happens like 2/3 times a year so it's not very often.

It’s a lot OP, even once a year would be unbearable. It stays with you long after.

WorraLiberty · 17/05/2021 00:30

And yes, @Wearywithteens is bang on the money.

His behaviour is not for you to manage.

This is an awful example to set to your children. How happy will you be when they're taking shit like this from their boyfriends/girlfriends etc, because that's the relationship standard that's been modelled to them?

WorraLiberty · 17/05/2021 00:32

And I'm sorry but I don't believe it only happens 2/3 times a year.

Perhaps the very worst examples do but I suspect the low level nasty behaviour is far more frequent.

If a decent person acted like that 2 or 3 times in a year, they'd apologise profusely and change their behaviour as it'd be fairly out of character for them.

BlueVelvetStars · 17/05/2021 00:34

You make excuses for him.. you protect him to keep the peace in front of family.. he belittles you... humiliates you.

Yet you consider him a good man, because it's only 2/3 times a year.

You manage it by not accepting it.

Original poster
itwillcomeback · 17/05/2021 00:40

I have always just blamed the circumstances instead of him as a person. Just thought oh well it's because he's stressed of the situation we are in now etc etc

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 17/05/2021 00:43

Stress is a normal part of life

It's not normal to humiliate the person you claim to love in front of family and friends.

Would you be continually looking to blame circumstances if your friends treated you this way, or your children's friends treated them like this?

Cadent · 17/05/2021 00:43

Do you think anyone else bears the brunt of his stress? Or is it just you?

Countrycode · 17/05/2021 00:45

He feels contempt for you and you allow it.

Foolish to stay with someone who doesn't appear to respect you very much. However, you obviously don't respect yourself so as a pp said you'll always get what you've always got.

Original poster
itwillcomeback · 17/05/2021 00:46

@Cadent

Do you think anyone else bears the brunt of his stress? Or is it just you?
Just me. Sometimes he can be mean to others so will make it obvious he's annoyed but mostly takes it out on me
OP posts:
Original poster
itwillcomeback · 17/05/2021 00:46

@Countrycode

He feels contempt for you and you allow it.

Foolish to stay with someone who doesn't appear to respect you very much. However, you obviously don't respect yourself so as a pp said you'll always get what you've always got.

There's no need to be mean. Thanks.
OP posts:
Original poster
itwillcomeback · 17/05/2021 00:47

@WorraLiberty

Stress is a normal part of life

It's not normal to humiliate the person you claim to love in front of family and friends.

Would you be continually looking to blame circumstances if your friends treated you this way, or your children's friends treated them like this?

Your sending sentence is spot on.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/05/2021 00:49

You're teaching your children this is what a relationship looks like.

The longer they have to live under the same roof as this man, the more likely it is they will have partners who treat them the way he treats you:

Please consider that when making a decision about what to do next.

PickAChew · 17/05/2021 00:50

If he was a good man, you wouldn't have reason to be bothered by how he treats you. As it is, you are bothered because he treats you like something he stepped in.

A good man wouldn't treat you like that and, even if he had an off day and was offhand with you, as a result, would be falling over himself to apologise for hurting you.

Cadent · 17/05/2021 00:52

This is the person who should care about you more than anyone else in the world, and yet he treats you the worst. How does that make any sense?

Do your family / friends know how nasty he can be?

NouvelleMamanNouvelleVie · 17/05/2021 00:56

I wrote my husband a letter reiterating how much I love him but explaining my feelings on a few things. I didn't blame him. We were both very stressed. It did get better.

Tillygetsit · 17/05/2021 00:56

My ex was like this until it escalated. Do you want your children to think this is how you should be treated?

WorraLiberty · 17/05/2021 00:58

To be fair OP, Countrycode was a little blunt but I don't think they were mean.

Self respect can be eroded very slowly and very stealthily in a bad relationship. Sometimes the person on the receiving end is completely unaware of it until they slow down and take stock.

Often they're too busy keeping the peace and thinking they're the one to blame for their partner's behaviour.

Gemma2019 · 17/05/2021 01:01

No it's not normal at all and it's totally wrong, but then you wrote that you sometimes end up taking your stress out on your family, so surely that's similar to what he's doing.

I get stressed and so does my DH but neither of us take our stress out on other people.

Countrycode · 17/05/2021 01:04

Aplogies OP reading back that was harsh (I should probably go to sleep!) I think it's definitely a trigger for me as I watched my own mum put up with this for almost 20 years before she finally listened to us and left my father. It was incredibly frustrating watching the person we love most in the world tolerate the contempt our father showed her. She had very low self esteem from an abusive upbringing and was too "nice" to stand up for herself. I understood it but it still riles me when nice people are continually treated badly and can't/won't put a stop to it.

I hope you find a solution. Sorry again for being harsh Flowers

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