Husband becomes really nasty sometimes.

[itwillcomeback]

Is it normal? When he's stressed he's very very nasty to me. Bad attitude. Tutting, being mean for no reason, just the 'humph' attitude. Today he was throwing a hissy fit because 'I have too much stuff'. We're looking to renovate and moving out and even though I try to always stay a step ahead and tidy and box things up, there are some things that I simply did not have the time for. We have young children too.

When we first moved he did the same. When we have visitors around. Or when we're fixing something. I've also noticed he does it more around his family members. Almost like he's trying to show who's boss and wears the pants.

My question is this normal and AIBU to be very sad and upset by it. It's happened so often that my anger turns to sadness. I do sometimes end up taking it out on my family but then explain I'm just stressed out. I feel the the happiness of doing something great even though it is stressful it's still exciting, all seems to go down the drain for me.

Before you ask if we have talked about it. Yes we have a million times. He agrees and then does it again. Today he's pretending like all is ok and just ignored me. Basically can't even look at me. He's fully aware I'm not happy.

And please MN no posting about 'leave him' etc. He's a good man. Just had his moments which I feel I need to manage. How do I talk about it and does it happen to you?

You don't need to manage anything, he does. Give him an ultimatum... If it happens again or he doesn't make changes to better himself in those situations then you're gone. There are plenty of tools available to manage stress so he has no excuse not to put the effort in

What do you hope to gain from this thread? A guide on how to fix him? That's not possible.

Nobody is going to tell you how to 'manage' an abusive husband (yes, from what you have described, he IS abusive) and if nobody is permitted to advise you to leave him, then what else is there to say? The only advice any woman with even a modicum of decency or conscience could possibly give you, is to leave.

I'm sorry. I know (like many, many other women) what it's like to still be deeply in love with a man who is abusive. It's hard as fuck, frankly. Especially when they're AMAZING the rest of the time. Especially when you cannot even begin to imagine life without them, without quivering and tears building. I get it.

However this will NOT improve. You either live like this for the rest of your life - when the nastiness is almost certainly going to increase, the older he gets - or you walk away and set yourself and your children free.....

He is abusing and manipulating you. You can't fix him and you are not responsible for his behaviour. He is responsible for himself. I also highly doubt that he is only like this two or three times a year. Don't minimise.

The only reasonable course of action is to dump him or this will just continue. Surely that isn't what you want?

Can you set out some clear agreements with your DH a couple of days before an event that you know will set him off?

Dinner with your family is coming up DH. We are going to drive there in 2 cars, if you treat me disrespectfully (give some examples of previous behavior) then I will leave and come home. You can manage that how you will with your family, but I will not stay and be treated badly by you.

With packing the house have clear written agreements on what you are responsible for and what he is responsible for. If he gets agroabout stuff undone, point to the agreement.

If you are clear like this and he still is upsetting you, have a think about if you want to just ignore it and not let it bother you, or if you want to walk away from it

And please MN no posting about 'leave him' etc. He's a good man.

A good man would never, under any circumstances, humiliate and degrade you. It's tragic for you that you have set the bar so low for how you expect to be treated, and even more tragic that your children have had to be raised with this as an example of how marriage is.

Yes. I had this problem. It came to a head last year when I said we would be getting a divorce. I'd already warned him.

That's when he realised how serious I was and saw a therapist. I've been cordial since but he's on probation.
I also told his and my families. No way am I covering for that. We'll see what happens.

Nothing will change because you accept this shit from him even though it’s unkind and disrespectful

Ltb even though it’s not what you want to hear

Obviously, he is NOT a good man,because good men don't behave like that to their wives.

What would happen if you just walked out of the room while he was ranting and raving at you? Don't argue, don't engage, just remove yourself from the situation. Would it be safe for you to do that?

I'm sorry he treats you like this but he won't change and you won't leave so I'm not sure what you expect to happen.

OP,
Great advice above and I agree with @Countrycode.

If your self esteem was strong you wouldn't accept his treatment and you certainly wouldn't want your children witnessing or hearing you being humiliated.

He does it because he can.

Your decision to stay with him is your decision but please don't lie to yourself and us that he is a good man.

He is an abusive prick.
Just another nasty abusive prick who likes to bully and humiliate his wife.

Not what you would want your children to end up with I suspect.

I would suggest you comment back " Please don't talk to me Like that. I don't deserve to be spoken with such rudeness/ disrespect from someone who is supposed to love and care for me " and walk away- to a different room.

He sounds mean sometimes and you said this happens 2-3 times a year & otherwise he is a good man. It's 2 to 3 times too many but I understand how you are viewing it in context of rest of your time and lives together.

Please don't let his meanness change your view of yourself.

You don't have to listen , you can walk away out of the room each time and you don't need to appease him or humour his sulking afterwards, when he's behaving like an arse to you.

If my DH did this to me I would go so ape shit that it would not be worth his while to ever do it again. OP, why do you not just go completely nuts at him? I wonder if you are afraid of the consequences, and if that is how he controls you.

You must have been conditioned to not challenge him speaking to you horribly in front of his family. Can you really not see how these aren’t the actions of a good man?

He’s not a ‘good man’. He’s horrible to you. Which part of that are you enjoying and makes you feel that he’s a ‘good man’? Raise your bar, he’s horrible.

Then I would have to deal with a huge argument and embarrassment in front of his family which I try to avoid. (They would love to see us in such a situation).

Hmm, his family don't sound very nice either.

When he's stressed he's very very nasty to me. Bad attitude. Tutting, being mean for no reason, just the 'humph' attitude. Today he was throwing a hissy fit because 'I have too much stuff'.

Before you ask if we have talked about it. Yes we have a million times. He agrees and then does it again. Today he's pretending like all is ok and just ignored me. Basically can't even look at me. He's fully aware I'm not happy.

He's not a good man OP. You deserve better.

If he doesn't want to change, even though you have explained many times how much it hurts you, and you don't want to leave, then there is nothing you can do.

Given how he acts, I would also confidently assume he isn't a nice man, but what can you realistically do?

It’s about respect. I wouldn’t talk to anyone I cared about with such little respect.
But I would say respect is the most important thing in a relationship.

I don't think any of us are intentionally trying to "be mean" You preface your OP with "Please no leave him" posts and "He's a good man" qualifiers. It is quite cruel to treat your spouse,mother of your children, with such cruel contempt because of "stress." Every single person on the planet experiences stress but a rational adult would recognize their triggers and do something about it, and I'm not referring to verbal and emotional abuse especially with an audience! You've told him how you feel and he continues to do it-the ball is in YOUR court-do you want your children when older to verbally abuse you? You will have zero authority with them if you continue to be an emotional punching bag for him.

Op are you financially reliant on him?

He’s not a good man, op. He needs to get some serious counselling and sort out his anger / stress issues. Don’t let him get away with this disgusting behaviour.

You've told him how you feel and he continues to do it-the ball is in YOUR court-do you want your children when older to verbally abuse you? You will have zero authority with them if you continue to be an emotional punching bag for him.

And they'll be increasingly likely to end up in relationships with partners who treat them the way he treats OP, because they've seen it tolerated and accepted so will think it's normal and acceptable. Such a sad cycle that needs to be stopped ASAP.

OP you can't have it both ways.

You can't both lay your relationship bare on the internet and make clear you are worried about it and in the same breath tell people not to tell you to leave. You wouldn't be posting if you weren't concerned there was a problem. And there is a problem.

No-one should be with someone who puts them down or humiliates them. It's really really simple.

You know its not right and you know it doesn't make you happy. But because you're in massive denial about it you're telling others not to tell you leave.

This board is full of people (myself included) who spent years in denial like this and going through mental gymnastics to justify behaviour like this. It won't work. You can't accomodate someone who doesn't respect you.

And you won't get anywhere with this until you come to terms with the fact that you're not happy in this relationship and gain enough self-respect to admit that its him and not you.

I'm not going to tell you to LTB because you asked us not to. But I will tell you you won't be happy until you do leave him.

He needs to get some serious counselling and sort out his anger / stress issues.

He doesn't have anger/stress issues.

That's the oldest cover up for abuse going.

He's abusive.

And you can't manage it, because you have no control over how he acts, only he does. And he chooses to act like this.

Would he act like this to boss, work colleagues, police?

I think not.

Always the easy target - always the defendant, invested, attached, dutiful wife/partner and kids' mother.

*dependant