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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'Uninviting' wedding guests after sending save the dates

86 replies

Cerulean60 · 16/05/2021 19:48

Hi all,

Our wedding was postponed due to Covid, meaning we sent our original save the dates over a year ago - to those on our day list only.

In the time since then, my mum's been going through a difficult time and I've been very disappointed in how some of my aunts/uncles have acted. For example, my uncles are tradesmen, but have refused to help fix some maintenance bits mum needed doing but couldn't afford (e.g. fixing a broken tap), saying my mum should pay for it herself. She was on universal credit at the time.

My mum's also having to sell the family home for financial reasons, and my aunt/uncle were telling her to do equity release rather than downsize. I felt downsizing was the better option, but my aunt/uncle told my mum she shouldn't be discussing it with me as I'm only interested in my inheritance(!) Absolute rubbish - and I was quite insulted they would think that.

To top it off, one of my uncles text my mum (out of the blue) saying 'I bet your ex can't wait until you've sold the house and he can finally stop paying into the mortgage'. When my mum showed me the text, I sent my uncle a message saying it was bullying and that as her brother he should be being supportive given the difficult time she's going through. He replied saying I'd better stop right there as he didn't like my tone. I wasn't looking for an argument so just didn't reply.

Back to the wedding - I've sent these relatives save the dates (and when we postponed, let them know the new date), but I don't really want them at the wedding anymore, especially as we're only having about 40 people during the day. AIBU to send them evening-only invites given they've had save the dates? It does make me feel sad as I've had good relationships with these relatives most of my life but right now I can't forgive them for how they've acted over the last 6-9 months.

Keen to hear others' perspectives on the situation....

Thank you!

OP posts:
kazillionaire · 16/05/2021 20:50

Tell them you have had to cut numbers due to helping your mum to pay tradespeople so you are unable to pay for them to attend the wedding, selfish people they are

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2021 20:53

They sound horrible, especially dick head uncle, why would you want them at the evening? Would your mum be okay with them being there?!

I can’t imagine he’s still expecting to go.

grandiflora · 16/05/2021 20:54

I think whatever you decide is fine! An evening invite is very generous, and they won’t have saved the date for no reason. On the other hand to retract completely, I would just say you are sorry and can’t accommodate everyone you had hoped due to circumstances changing over the pandemic and you hope they understand etc. I think either is absolutely fine frankly! Good luck to you OP.

denverRegina · 16/05/2021 20:56

You were happy to call him a bully by text but aren't happy to send him an evening only invite? Odd. Just do it, it's fine.

ThatIsMyPotato · 16/05/2021 20:58

Do you want them there at all? If not Covid is your polite get out card here if you want one. Unfortunately capacity has been reduced due to Covid requirements so you are unable to honor your save the date. Very sorry etc etc.

Or just be blunt and to the point , it's not like they've cared about your feelings.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 16/05/2021 20:59

Totally fine imo, if you are worried blame covid number restrictions, but they don't sound like nice people!

RestUp · 16/05/2021 21:19

Agreed with a PP, tell them you can't afford to pay for them as you have had to pay towards fizing stuff for your mum.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 16/05/2021 21:19

Oooh, I'm in two minds about this. I definitely don't think YABU but as they are family if they get uninvited you might end up having to listen to how cruel you were to leave them out for the rest of your life. What if your mum and her brother patch things up? Although, as PPs have said, vivid is the perfect excuse. Good luck whatever you decide!

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 16/05/2021 21:31

*covid not vivid!

CoffeeBeansGalore · 16/05/2021 21:33

Due to circumstances we can no longer invite everyone on our original list. Apologies for any inconvenience but we are sure you will understand.

"But we're family!!!"

That didn't seem to matter when mum needed help. We have cropped the guest list. Sorry, you didn't make the cut.

Those that are only family when it suits them are not worth the aggro. Hope the wedding goes well op & you have a brilliant day.

Chloemol · 16/05/2021 21:40

Well after how they have treated your mum I wouldn’t want them at the wedding end of

Just tell them numbers have changed, sorry they are out and have the wedding you want with people who do support there

If they really question it now is the time to tell them the truth, and I would and if that meant never having contact with them again so be it

Ladybigbeach · 16/05/2021 21:46

Just don’t invite them. They’ve had a save the date and covid happened, if they ask just say plans changed.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 16/05/2021 21:48

What CoffeeBeans said!

gamerchick · 16/05/2021 21:50

Well evening invites are pretty insulting anyway so I say do it.

SwimBaby · 16/05/2021 21:53

Evening only or no invite are both fine.

Staffy1 · 16/05/2021 21:53

Don't invite them. Send a Never mind, don't save the date card.

TopBlogger · 16/05/2021 21:57

They will kick off at an evening only invite. So be ready with a good reply.

Catswithflamingos · 16/05/2021 21:59

I’m not expecting to receive formal invitations for any weddings we’ve had save the dates for. Everything is up in the air, and even the ones we’ve received formal invitations for we aren’t sure they are going ahead.

Just don’t send them anything and enjoy your day

overnightangel · 16/05/2021 22:02

Fuck em.
Can’t be arsed to fix a tap for his sister but will stick his nose into family financial affairs theatre none of his business?
Sounds like a tosser.
I’d be losing his invite in the post ...

DissociativeBitch · 16/05/2021 22:05

Fuck that, Uninvite them and tell them it's cos they're horrid!

NEVERENDINGST0RY · 16/05/2021 22:57

I think your reasons for uninviting them are perfectly fine. But I would be honest with them.

right now I can't forgive them for how they've acted over the last 6-9 months

then tell them this. Just explain how their actions have made you feel and for now you would prefer for them to just be evening guests / not come at all and go from there. If they wish to make amends and fix the relationships they can. If they dont then you are multiple assholes lighter.

RogueMNerKnowsNoShame · 16/05/2021 23:01

Put a tap on your wedding gift list

Whitchurch · 16/05/2021 23:04

Be honest and brief - tell them they are no longer invited (to any of it) because of the hurt they have caused you and your mum. Then don't engage with anything.

Birminghambloke · 16/05/2021 23:04

I think you should be honest with them and cut them completely of the list. No part invite to evening and using Covid as an excuse. Yes they’ll be cross and comment indefinitely however you have clear reasons to counteract that.

AlmostSummer21 · 16/05/2021 23:09

How will your Mum feel about it?

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