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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Uninviting' wedding guests after sending save the dates

86 replies

Cerulean60 · 16/05/2021 19:48

Hi all,

Our wedding was postponed due to Covid, meaning we sent our original save the dates over a year ago - to those on our day list only.

In the time since then, my mum's been going through a difficult time and I've been very disappointed in how some of my aunts/uncles have acted. For example, my uncles are tradesmen, but have refused to help fix some maintenance bits mum needed doing but couldn't afford (e.g. fixing a broken tap), saying my mum should pay for it herself. She was on universal credit at the time.

My mum's also having to sell the family home for financial reasons, and my aunt/uncle were telling her to do equity release rather than downsize. I felt downsizing was the better option, but my aunt/uncle told my mum she shouldn't be discussing it with me as I'm only interested in my inheritance(!) Absolute rubbish - and I was quite insulted they would think that.

To top it off, one of my uncles text my mum (out of the blue) saying 'I bet your ex can't wait until you've sold the house and he can finally stop paying into the mortgage'. When my mum showed me the text, I sent my uncle a message saying it was bullying and that as her brother he should be being supportive given the difficult time she's going through. He replied saying I'd better stop right there as he didn't like my tone. I wasn't looking for an argument so just didn't reply.

Back to the wedding - I've sent these relatives save the dates (and when we postponed, let them know the new date), but I don't really want them at the wedding anymore, especially as we're only having about 40 people during the day. AIBU to send them evening-only invites given they've had save the dates? It does make me feel sad as I've had good relationships with these relatives most of my life but right now I can't forgive them for how they've acted over the last 6-9 months.

Keen to hear others' perspectives on the situation....

Thank you!

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 16/05/2021 23:10

What @CoffeeBeansGalore said.

I would not send an evening invite. Enjoy your day with no drama. Why would you want them there at all after this?

Womencanlift · 16/05/2021 23:37

Evening invites are not rude at all Hmm

But for you OP I wouldn’t even offer them that. They don’t deserve to be part of your day at all. As pp said you can’t pick and choose when you want to be family and they have shown themselves to not be family at all. Hope you mum is ok and have a lovely wedding Flowers

MargaretFraggle · 16/05/2021 23:43

Send a Never mind, don't save the date card.

This! Save the date is not an invite anyway IMO.

grapewine · 16/05/2021 23:46

lCoffeeBeansGalore has it.

SometimesRavenSometimesParrot · 16/05/2021 23:48

Don’t invite them full stop!

mainsfed · 16/05/2021 23:53

Don’t invite them to any of it.

Give them excuse below from pp:

If not Covid is your polite get out card here if you want one. Unfortunately capacity has been reduced due to Covid requirements so you are unable to honor your save the date. Very sorry etc etc.

CliffsofMohair · 16/05/2021 23:53

Didn’t the infamous Gluezilla threads begin with retracted Save The Dates?

GabsAlot · 17/05/2021 00:06

why invite them at all? theve been down right horrible to your mum and rude about you

Hannsmum · 17/05/2021 00:26

@RogueMNerKnowsNoShame

Put a tap on your wedding gift list
Grin love this
Doona · 17/05/2021 00:30

Weddings aren't about settling scores. It's been a tough year for everyone. I would invite them. I can see I'm in the minority though!

Lalliella · 17/05/2021 00:37

@kazillionaire

Tell them you have had to cut numbers due to helping your mum to pay tradespeople so you are unable to pay for them to attend the wedding, selfish people they are
Please do this
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 17/05/2021 00:39

@gamerchick

Well evening invites are pretty insulting anyway so I say do it.
Agreed, and make sure they know they're B-list guests in other ways, too. Stick them on a dingy table at the back of the room with the dullest people you know etc
Dullardmullard · 17/05/2021 00:42

@Doona

Weddings aren't about settling scores. It's been a tough year for everyone. I would invite them. I can see I'm in the minority though!
This isn’t about settling score though

I’d not invite at all.

Sorka · 17/05/2021 00:51

I wouldn’t invite them at all and if they questioned it I’d tell them exactly why.

Brindisi32 · 17/05/2021 00:57

They sound v preoccupied with money... How does your mum feel about them being there?

Gothichouse40 · 17/05/2021 01:06

Id actually go as far as sending out a card with, sorry, but due to Covid and unforeseen circumstances, we have decided on a small wedding immediate family only. Sod them. Have who YOU and your future spouse want at your own wedding. Less grief as it seems you and your Mum have had plenty of that from them. If they start moaning then feel free to tell them about all the extra expenses you both have had, also with Mum being on UC, you all just don't have the money for a big wedding.

Ostara212 · 17/05/2021 01:08

@kazillionaire

Tell them you have had to cut numbers due to helping your mum to pay tradespeople so you are unable to pay for them to attend the wedding, selfish people they are
This is spot on Why bother inviting them to the evening, they'll just say mean things anyway!
RoseRedCityHalfAsOldAsTime · 17/05/2021 01:35

Evening invitations are an excellent way to snub close relations, especially if they'd have to travel a long way.

SympathyFatigue · 17/05/2021 03:26

@Cerulean60

Hi all,

Our wedding was postponed due to Covid, meaning we sent our original save the dates over a year ago - to those on our day list only.

In the time since then, my mum's been going through a difficult time and I've been very disappointed in how some of my aunts/uncles have acted. For example, my uncles are tradesmen, but have refused to help fix some maintenance bits mum needed doing but couldn't afford (e.g. fixing a broken tap), saying my mum should pay for it herself. She was on universal credit at the time.

My mum's also having to sell the family home for financial reasons, and my aunt/uncle were telling her to do equity release rather than downsize. I felt downsizing was the better option, but my aunt/uncle told my mum she shouldn't be discussing it with me as I'm only interested in my inheritance(!) Absolute rubbish - and I was quite insulted they would think that.

To top it off, one of my uncles text my mum (out of the blue) saying 'I bet your ex can't wait until you've sold the house and he can finally stop paying into the mortgage'. When my mum showed me the text, I sent my uncle a message saying it was bullying and that as her brother he should be being supportive given the difficult time she's going through. He replied saying I'd better stop right there as he didn't like my tone. I wasn't looking for an argument so just didn't reply.

Back to the wedding - I've sent these relatives save the dates (and when we postponed, let them know the new date), but I don't really want them at the wedding anymore, especially as we're only having about 40 people during the day. AIBU to send them evening-only invites given they've had save the dates? It does make me feel sad as I've had good relationships with these relatives most of my life but right now I can't forgive them for how they've acted over the last 6-9 months.

Keen to hear others' perspectives on the situation....

Thank you!

If my mother got that text from her brother of all people, like hell would I be inviting them. I'd send a text saying you're uninvited. They're horrible people.

He didn't like your tone. 🤣🤣🤣 whoopi shit. He'd not like my tone ever again. Dick.

SaturdayRocks · 17/05/2021 04:57

I kind of agree that if you’re OK telling your uncle he’s a bully over text, demoting him to a B list invite should be a piece of cake.

secretrugbyfan · 17/05/2021 05:32

Hello OP

The joy of families......

The only consideration you should give is that this is YOUR day, where YOU get married to your partner.....f*k everybody else, YOU have who you want at YOUR wedding....it's not theirs....f*k them off....you don't even have to give them a reason, just uninvite them. If you don't, you will spend the rest of your life remembering the day for who was there that shouldn't have been, rather than for being the happiest day of your life.

TwoAndAnOnion · 17/05/2021 05:33

@gamerchick

Well evening invites are pretty insulting anyway so I say do it.
Only on MN - to the rest of the world they are pretty normal. If Princess Eugenie and The Sussexes can send evening-only invitations, I'm sure you can get past it.
TwoAndAnOnion · 17/05/2021 05:40

For example, my uncles are tradesmen, but have refused to help fix some maintenance bits mum needed doing

Irrelevant whether she can afford it or not, this is arseholery from family who should be helping

my aunt/uncle were telling her to do equity release rather than downsize. I felt downsizing was the better option,

Unless any of you are financial advisors I'd get financial advice

but my aunt/uncle told my mum she shouldn't be discussing it with me as I'm only interested in my inheritance(!)

None of their business

one of my uncles text my mum (out of the blue) saying 'I bet your ex can't wait until you've sold the house and he can finally stop paying into the mortgage'. When my mum showed me the text, I sent my uncle a message saying it was bullying and that as her brother he should be being supportive given the difficult time she's going through.

I don't see what is bullying about his text, seems like a sibling in-joke/throwaway remark. Why did you respond on behalf of your mother?

Back to the wedding

Invite who you want - the above is all irrelevent.

rwalker · 17/05/2021 05:41

If you don't want them there don't invite them.
Context is everything many people downsize to be mortgage free I wouldn't automatacially presume it was meant in a nasty manner.

I have a trade and won't help anyone now used to. It was constant ,relentless and endless at the amount of "favours" people wanted so just do a blanket no now.

Mandalay246 · 17/05/2021 05:45

I wouldn't be inviting them at all, and you don't need to give a reason. Just because someone is part of your family doesn't mean you need to excuse bad behaviour.

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