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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Uninviting' wedding guests after sending save the dates

86 replies

Cerulean60 · 16/05/2021 19:48

Hi all,

Our wedding was postponed due to Covid, meaning we sent our original save the dates over a year ago - to those on our day list only.

In the time since then, my mum's been going through a difficult time and I've been very disappointed in how some of my aunts/uncles have acted. For example, my uncles are tradesmen, but have refused to help fix some maintenance bits mum needed doing but couldn't afford (e.g. fixing a broken tap), saying my mum should pay for it herself. She was on universal credit at the time.

My mum's also having to sell the family home for financial reasons, and my aunt/uncle were telling her to do equity release rather than downsize. I felt downsizing was the better option, but my aunt/uncle told my mum she shouldn't be discussing it with me as I'm only interested in my inheritance(!) Absolute rubbish - and I was quite insulted they would think that.

To top it off, one of my uncles text my mum (out of the blue) saying 'I bet your ex can't wait until you've sold the house and he can finally stop paying into the mortgage'. When my mum showed me the text, I sent my uncle a message saying it was bullying and that as her brother he should be being supportive given the difficult time she's going through. He replied saying I'd better stop right there as he didn't like my tone. I wasn't looking for an argument so just didn't reply.

Back to the wedding - I've sent these relatives save the dates (and when we postponed, let them know the new date), but I don't really want them at the wedding anymore, especially as we're only having about 40 people during the day. AIBU to send them evening-only invites given they've had save the dates? It does make me feel sad as I've had good relationships with these relatives most of my life but right now I can't forgive them for how they've acted over the last 6-9 months.

Keen to hear others' perspectives on the situation....

Thank you!

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 17/05/2021 05:45

Send Potato's covid reason above . That's all that's needed.

JustJustWhy · 17/05/2021 06:01

@gamerchick

Well evening invites are pretty insulting anyway so I say do it.
I've just received an evening invite for a lovely girl I know and I'm not in the least bit insulted. I'm thrilled to have been included in her day.
SaturdayRocks · 17/05/2021 06:13

It is actually OK to think that relegating guests to B list instead of A list is a little ‘off’.

In some countries and cultures it’s not the done thing - people simply get invited to the whole shebang. If this is your thinking, you’re clearly going to look a bit askance at the idea of B list guests.

And because the Royal Family does it, that means no-one can criticise it? OK. Grin

TidyDancer · 17/05/2021 06:18

@CliffsofMohair

Didn’t the infamous Gluezilla threads begin with retracted Save The Dates?
Hi @CliffsofMohair, that thread was mine. B&G sent the save the date but didn't seem to understand it was conventionally followed by an invitation, they treated it like a guarantee I would be free to decorate etc on the day. I'm surmising but that was the essence of it.

OP, in your case, your family have been such shits recently that you absolutely should rescind the save the date and tell them their presence at the wedding is not required. If it makes it easier for you, say your plans have changed due to covid, but you shouldn't have to entertain such awful people.

TwoAndAnOnion · 17/05/2021 06:22

In some countries and cultures it’s not the done thing This isn't 'some countries and some cultures' this is a UK based forum and the majority of posters are UK domiciled and will post witha UK perspective. The evening issue only exists on MN, not outside in the real world.

Family & close friends to the wedding breakfast - at 60+ quid a head, numbers will be controlled. Wider acquaintances and colleagues to the beano in the evening, preferably minus the screaming kids. Win-Win.

KihoBebiluPute · 17/05/2021 06:37

It is perfectly reasonable not to invite them at all any more. And yes you can let them know that the finances don't allow you to stretch to inviting them and given the various decisions they have made over the past 18 months prioritising the financial bottom line over family, you are sure they will totally understand and agree with your decision.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 17/05/2021 06:49

What does your mum think? There’s nothing about how she feels in your OP.

GreenClock · 17/05/2021 06:51

Why are they behaving like this? Seems so callous when their sister has fallen on hard times during the pandemic and found herself on benefits. It’s not like she’s some feckless pisstaker.

I think that relegating someone to B List is a bit passive aggressive tbh. Just uninvite.

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 06:54

@TwoAndAnOnion

In some countries and cultures it’s not the done thing This isn't 'some countries and some cultures' this is a UK based forum and the majority of posters are UK domiciled and will post witha UK perspective. The evening issue only exists on MN, not outside in the real world.

Family & close friends to the wedding breakfast - at 60+ quid a head, numbers will be controlled. Wider acquaintances and colleagues to the beano in the evening, preferably minus the screaming kids. Win-Win.

I’m ‘UK domiciled’ and EO invites are certainly not a done thing ime.

Un-inviting misogynistic twats should be a thing though.

RampantIvy · 17/05/2021 06:58

@gamerchick

Well evening invites are pretty insulting anyway so I say do it.
Of course they aren't Hmm You must be very easily offended.
readingismycardio · 17/05/2021 07:06

Don't invite them AT ALL! Why compromise? We did exactly the same thing with my uncle, he never got an invite at all & everyone survived. It's YOUR wedding.

TulipsTwoLips · 17/05/2021 07:08

If your uncle ' doesn't like your tone' if you say something critical I can't imagine he will like being relegated to the B list. I guess they will either turn up in the day anyway to make a point, or not turn up at all.

How disappointed would you be if you lost the relationship altogether?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 17/05/2021 07:12

Well thanks to
Covid you have very excuse to do what you want !

Cowbells · 17/05/2021 07:20

It's absolutely fine to send evening only invites to these relatives. It's civilised of you to invite them at all.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 17/05/2021 07:20

If your mother won't be upset if you don't invite her brothers (I assume these relatives are from her side of the family?), I would simply use the Covid excuse, in your mind and if they ask you, and not invite them at all. They've only been asked to save the date, pre-pandemic, not actually been formally invited to anything at all, so why worry?

Arbadacarba · 17/05/2021 07:21

Just let them know, with an apology, that your 'plans have changed'. There's no need to justify your reasoning, and no value in being uncivil for the sake of it.

If you uninvite them in a manner that purposely makes a point, you will only be inviting drama and recriminations into your life.

SunflowersAndLavender · 17/05/2021 07:26

Just cut them from the list completely. They are only aunts and uncles and clearly you are not close.

Send an a general announcement (rather than a mesage written directly to each person, as that could look as if you are singling them out) saying that unfortunately due to a combination of covid and financial factors you've had to completely rethink the scale of your wedding and it will now be confined to immediate family and close friends only, apologies for any disappointment.

They will have no idea how many people are still invited, nor how many others have been bumped from the list. Don't get into a big over-explanation of the whole thing.

Thatswatshesaid · 17/05/2021 07:41

Tell them due to covid you’ve had to lower the numbers, you are very sorry and plan to arrange a party in the future to accommodate everyone. Then never do.

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 17/05/2021 07:45

Uninvite them totally using Covid excuse.

NailsNeedDoing · 17/05/2021 07:49

It’s fine for you not to invite them if you don’t want them there, but I can’t see what they’ve done that’s so terrible.

There are two sides to every story, and you’ve barely given context for one side of it. There could easily be good reasons why the uncle couldn’t sort your mums tap, it’s pretty cheeky to assume that he will do it for free just because he’s a tradesman.

SaturdayRocks · 17/05/2021 08:01

The evening issue only exists on MN, not outside in the real world.

Maybe MN is a window to a world outside your bubble, because my world certainly is real. The issue ‘only exists on MN’ because MN is the wider world.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 17/05/2021 08:03

@kazillionaire

Tell them you have had to cut numbers due to helping your mum to pay tradespeople so you are unable to pay for them to attend the wedding, selfish people they are
The above.

Unless there is some massive backstory here, they have been horrible to your mum. I wouldn't even want them at the evening do.

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/05/2021 08:14

I wouldn’t invite them full stop.

Dogoodfeelgood · 17/05/2021 08:19

Absolutely do not tell them the real reasons you aren’t inviting them, the drama etc isn’t worth it and your mum may make up with them and then it will be awkward. However, also absolutely don’t have them at your wedding. You have the PERFECT excuse with covid to send your apologies but you have had to downsize your wedding numbers due to concerns about restrictions and venue insurance only covering x size of wedding if any cancellations or something. Then you don’t have to have them there, and they won’t be fuming about it for the rest of their lives. The chances of them realising they’ve been assholes and making amends are exactly nil (been there done that with my wedding and similar scenario!).

looptheloopinahulahoop · 17/05/2021 08:20

@Mandalay246

I wouldn't be inviting them at all, and you don't need to give a reason. Just because someone is part of your family doesn't mean you need to excuse bad behaviour.
This. Invite the people you want to and don't invite the people you don't.

And a save the date card is just that, it's not an invitation.

You don't need to explain - if at some point they pop up and ask where their wedding invitation is you just say the numbers are limited because of covid. If they continue to whinge, that's the point at which you say you were disgusted at the fact they wouldn't help your mother and you don't want them there anyway.

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