'Uninviting' wedding guests after sending save the dates

[Cerulean60]

Hi all,

Our wedding was postponed due to Covid, meaning we sent our original save the dates over a year ago - to those on our day list only.

In the time since then, my mum's been going through a difficult time and I've been very disappointed in how some of my aunts/uncles have acted. For example, my uncles are tradesmen, but have refused to help fix some maintenance bits mum needed doing but couldn't afford (e.g. fixing a broken tap), saying my mum should pay for it herself. She was on universal credit at the time.

My mum's also having to sell the family home for financial reasons, and my aunt/uncle were telling her to do equity release rather than downsize. I felt downsizing was the better option, but my aunt/uncle told my mum she shouldn't be discussing it with me as I'm only interested in my inheritance(!) Absolute rubbish - and I was quite insulted they would think that.

To top it off, one of my uncles text my mum (out of the blue) saying 'I bet your ex can't wait until you've sold the house and he can finally stop paying into the mortgage'. When my mum showed me the text, I sent my uncle a message saying it was bullying and that as her brother he should be being supportive given the difficult time she's going through. He replied saying I'd better stop right there as he didn't like my tone. I wasn't looking for an argument so just didn't reply.

Back to the wedding - I've sent these relatives save the dates (and when we postponed, let them know the new date), but I don't really want them at the wedding anymore, especially as we're only having about 40 people during the day. AIBU to send them evening-only invites given they've had save the dates? It does make me feel sad as I've had good relationships with these relatives most of my life but right now I can't forgive them for how they've acted over the last 6-9 months.

Keen to hear others' perspectives on the situation....

Thank you!

@Dogoodfeelgood

Absolutely do not tell them the real reasons you aren’t inviting them, the drama etc isn’t worth it and your mum may make up with them and then it will be awkward. However, also absolutely don’t have them at your wedding. You have the PERFECT excuse with covid to send your apologies but you have had to downsize your wedding numbers due to concerns about restrictions and venue insurance only covering x size of wedding if any cancellations or something. Then you don’t have to have them there, and they won’t be fuming about it for the rest of their lives. The chances of them realising they’ve been assholes and making amends are exactly nil (been there done that with my wedding and similar scenario!).

But actually as PPs have said above, better to be as vague as possible on your covid reason. “Had to downsize”.

All the people saying don't tell them the reason, do you not think they will figure it out for themselves!?!

Don't invite them. All you need is for them to stir up trouble on your special day.

I don't think they are obliged to do maintenance on your mum's home for free. But fair enough if you can no longer afford a bigger wedding. I think it's a worse insult to be demoted to an evening invitation after having been invited to the whole day. Send a note or phone saying the wedding is still going ahead but is smaller so they're not invited. I wouldn't even mention them not doing the work. Let them work it out for themselves.

An unfortunate situation but in your shoes I would not invite those who have not been supportive to your mum. Smaller numbers helps.

I wouldn't invite them at all. They've been really horrible.

"Hi all,

We have rescheduled the wedding for the 18th, but because the last 12 months have been so difficult, financially and emotionally, we have decided to have a much smaller wedding than we had originally intended. On the day, we'll just be joined by Mum and Dad and a couple of others, rather than the big family wedding we had originally hoped for.

We will celebrate with you together with a family lunch later in the year, but for now I hope you can understand, and wish us well on the day."

Just wondering - were the repairs your Mum asked for preparatory to selling the house? Because it's one thing fixing a broken tap for a sibling in need, and another thing being called in to smarten up a property that she is selling.

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Due to circumstances we can no longer invite everyone on our original list. Apologies for any inconvenience but we are sure you will understand.

"But we're family!!!"

That didn't seem to matter when mum needed help. We have cropped the guest list. Sorry, you didn't make the cut.

Those that are only family when it suits them are not worth the aggro. Hope the wedding goes well op & you have a brilliant day.

This.

Oh and you can't invite them to the evening - that's really insulting, especially to family.

I know there are people here who say "Oh it isn't insulting at all" - okay, well, that's been your experience, but broadly speaking, it IS rude. The evening do is for your random office mates, if you absolutely HAVE to have tiers of guests, and to invite immediate family to the evening do is just

Much better to let on that you've downsized the whole event. It doesn't have to be 100% true. Just hope that they don't see the photos of your 8th cousin thrice removed at the church!

Evening only invites are very common in my area, and have been for at least 30 years.

Meanwhile, the general message idea from @SunflowersAndLavender seems a good one.

Eh, just tell them the truth. They're not invited to any part of your wedding because they have been that's to your mum at a difficult time in her life. Why would you be bothered?

BTW, you're absolutely right about equity release, it can be a big mistake -- and there are some dreadful deals out there, high commission charges and very 'front loaded'.
If your DM is downsizing she may be able to take some cash out anyway.