To make him do his own laundry?

[BrutusMcDogface]

I know these threads are done to death, but I’m so frustrated I just need to vent (and some validation?!)

We have four kids. We both work full time but I do more hours than him, including working in the evenings. He does the childminder runs and does the kitchen a few evenings a week (not every day!) I do everything else.

He has a hobby that he also does most days (yes, that’s right. Pretty much every day in some shape or form. Today he’s out most of the day doing it).

So, I know I’m not being u but “ltb” is easier said than done. Trying to claw back something and I think he can start doing his own laundry while I do mine and the kids’.

Quite frankly, if I hear him ask if he has any clean tops/pants/socks one more time, I might have to kill him.

Would it be totally impossible/outrageous just to say to him " I'd like you to do more around the house. Here's a list of jobs we can share. "

It isnt about the laundry though. Its about the unfair division of labour and childcare. If he did all the cooking or cleaning perhaps you wouldn't mind doing his laundry? It's the assumption that you will do it rather than there are two of you who are equally responsible. He knows he is slacking.

If you settle on him doing his own laundry as well as other stuff and he asks you where his clean stuff is just look at him blankly. He is an adult.

I would even add that when you divorce his lazy arse he would have to do all his own chores and 50% of the DCs and knocks this hobby on the head because you know ... responsibilities

BrutisMcDogface show him this...

I put the washing on once there's full loads. The washing then gets taken out of the washing machine by DH, dried and is put away by him. Works great!

Yep, you're definitely doing too much mental/physical load stuff. I've been shifting mental load stuff onto to DH now he's here all the time. It's been eye-opening for him and there's been whinging but he gets it.

Worth the effort of looking blank when the "how do I..." questions start.

I just wash ours altogether depending on colour , so it would be a real pain having someone doing separate loads.

Also more outings for you, even if just sitting eating chocolate in the car! Maybe make this a weekly thing .Chocolate and paper in car .Leave mobile off as you cant get phoned with "How much powder/liquid again,cant remember (even though on pack"! or suchlike !

Some of you who are getting held up on the separate load etc etc stuff; when I say we generate a lot of washing, I mean there are absolutely no concerns about a full load! There’s washing, and then there’s the washing we have to do. We are quite behind, let’s say.

I had a little word and he’s read the kids the riot act and has done the dishwasher.

This is what piisses me off though. He has shouted at the kids but will he step up now? My DP moans about the kids and then doesn't do his share. He is a shit and I'm sick of it too. And it's not like I haven't told him

Definitely down tools as of now OP. I’ve never done DH’s laundry in 7 years.

What does doing the kitchen mean? Who is cooking and washing up?

@theheartofthematter

This is what piisses me off though. He has shouted at the kids but will he step up now? My DP moans about the kids and then doesn't do his share. He is a shit and I'm sick of it too. And it's not like I haven't told him

Stop doing it for him!

Here's the thing. You cannot make a grown man do anything he doesn't want to do.

You can only control your actions.

So if he doesn't do his fair share, you stop doing things for him.

Stop doing his laundry, and ironing, and washing up, and cooking favourite dinners, and getting up to the children in the night, and doing the children's breakfast.

Every time, and I mean EVERY time, your children ask you a question (can I have a biscuit/where is my school uniform/what time are we leaving for tennis practice?) say "I don't know, ask your father".

He'll start doing more soon enough. You can stop doing the above when he is doing his fair share. So if you both work equal hours, stop when he is doing about half the domestic labour.

In my experience it took about 12 months before he did his share without complaint or recourse to me. I'm much, much happier now and have more respect for my husband.

So you had a quiet word with him about contributing more towards the household chores and he had a go at the dc since when is it the dc's fault he's not pulling his weight. Does he think if the dc do more around the house he can continue to be a lazy fucker? I doubt he's expecting the dc to do your chores and he'll do the rest

Adults do their own washing in this house. I've never done DHs - even when I was on Maternity leave. As soon as DS is old enough he will do his own too.

You do seem to have a bigger problem which needs to be addressed though.

How did you get to the stage where you do more in the house even though you work longer hours? Sounds like you've got 5 kids, I'd stop doing anything at all for him, cooking, washing etc, let him sort himself out.

@Goatinthegarden

You definitely need to list all the jobs and split them fairly. He needs to pull his weight more.

But everyone doing their own laundry seems daft. Finding and putting on a load takes less than 5mins. Hanging up a load takes ten mins. Folding a dry load takes five mins. It seems silly to have each family member faffing about waiting to collect enough clothes to make a full load. What if DH has a full load of whites and you only have one top that you’d like to chuck in with it? Do you just wait until you have more whites for your own load?. Then what if someone else is using the machine when you want to use it?

Ironing takes forever though, that’s a decent job to split, although it’s one where you can watch tv in peace, so I’m happy to take it as ‘my chore’ and he gets other domestic jobs to do in its place.

I agree. I think it’s somewhat mean spirited to just do some of the laundry, what next? You all cook your own meals? I have always dine the laundry. I never empty bins, do the hoovering, wash the cars, mow the lawn..

I think it’s somewhat mean spirited to just do some of the laundry, what next? You all cook your own meals?
I have always dine the laundry. I never empty bins, do the hoovering, wash the cars, mow the lawn..

People choose to do things in a way which suits them.
In our house adults do their own washing as and when they need to (always full loads) as it works for us. DH has been doing his washing since he was a teenager, why would that stop just because he got married! It's a way of sharing that particular chore. It's no different to sharing other chose such as cooking , shopping etc.

It's not mean spirited - just an alternative way of doing things!

Totally agree ^DelBoca* I do mine and DH does his.

Start as you mean to go on ladies. That's the problem with us. They get used to being nannied. All teens should be able to sort laundry, clean their bedrooms, etc, otherwise how will they cope at uni. Delegate to older kids, and teens.

I think my DH was a bit nonplussed when I wasn't fazed by dirty dishes by the sink and his clothes strewn over the floor. I think he thought my womanliness would mean I couldn't stand it.

They absolutely fazed me when it was my turn to do the dishes or my own mess, but I left his mess to him to sort.

Advertisers over the last couple of centuries have worked hard to get us to equate a clean, tidy house with feminine hygiene, as if a cluttered sink somehow equates with a smelly armpit. The ugly, words slut and slattern are used to suggest sexual looseness and poor housekeeping in women.

If an unexpected guest walks into s dirty, untidy house, it's the woman who lives there who will normally be judged for it, not the man.

Those expectations run deep and bite hard and that's what OP is up against.

@NewlyGranny

Advertisers over the last couple of centuries have worked hard to get us to equate a clean, tidy house with feminine hygiene, as if a cluttered sink somehow equates with a smelly armpit. The ugly, words slut and slattern are used to suggest sexual looseness and poor housekeeping in women.

If an unexpected guest walks into s dirty, untidy house, it's the woman who lives there who will normally be judged for it, not the man.

Those expectations run deep and bite hard and that's what OP is up against.

This, in spades! I like you, @NewlyGranny!

I’m really grateful to the posters who have realised that it’s not just a case of leaving his laundry to be “mean spirited”.

Kids should be able to cook simple dishes by 12, they don’t need to make a whole meal at that age but they do need to know how to cook. Bringing in washing and hanging it out, putting their washing away. Able to stack the dishwasher or do the dishes. Vacuum, dust, wipe down benches, make their own beds, help change their sheets, clean up their own mess, put the rubbish out. If a 15 year old can’t do this they aren’t learning how to care for themselves when they leave home.

Start them early as toddlers, helping put their toys away every day. Fetch things such as nappies for the baby, put a piece of paper in the bin. Otherwise once they are teenagers it’s very hard to change their mindset. Start them off early and it becomes automatic.

Star charts are your best bet to get them motivated.

The alternative is bring up lazy teenagers and the males become lazy men that can’t see the mess and expect women to do it for them.

@DelBocaVista

I think it’s somewhat mean spirited to just do some of the laundry, what next? You all cook your own meals? I have always dine the laundry. I never empty bins, do the hoovering, wash the cars, mow the lawn..

People choose to do things in a way which suits them.
In our house adults do their own washing as and when they need to (always full loads) as it works for us. DH has been doing his washing since he was a teenager, why would that stop just because he got married! It's a way of sharing that particular chore. It's no different to sharing other chose such as cooking , shopping etc.

It's not mean spirited - just an alternative way of doing things!

It is different though, unless you all shop individually for your own food and cook your own meals? Wash only the dished you have used? DH looked after himself perfectly well whilst at uni and living in his own flat. Once we married we became one household and combined the cooking/washing etc. It seems really strange to me that you wouldn’t wash the clothes all together.