Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To make him do his own laundry?

103 replies

BrutusMcDogface · 16/05/2021 08:13

I know these threads are done to death, but I’m so frustrated I just need to vent (and some validation?!)

We have four kids. We both work full time but I do more hours than him, including working in the evenings. He does the childminder runs and does the kitchen a few evenings a week (not every day!) I do everything else.

He has a hobby that he also does most days (yes, that’s right. Pretty much every day in some shape or form. Today he’s out most of the day doing it).

So, I know I’m not being u but “ltb” is easier said than done. Trying to claw back something and I think he can start doing his own laundry while I do mine and the kids’.

Quite frankly, if I hear him ask if he has any clean tops/pants/socks one more time, I might have to kill him.

OP posts:

Original poster

BrutusMcDogface · 16/05/2021 10:17

I did my own laundry as a teenager, and my eldest will definitely be doing hers soon enough!

If I wrote down all the jobs I actually do, I think they’d all be surprised. Definitely doing it tonight 👍

OP posts:

Original poster

BrutusMcDogface · 16/05/2021 10:33

I feel like such a doormat.

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 16/05/2021 10:36

@BrutusMcDogface

I feel like such a doormat.

I can't believe you've been doing this all this time. What were you thinking?

Never mind, time for a change and only you can make it happen.

dottiedodah · 16/05/2021 10:58

I dont know why but washing always seems to be one of the things women are supposed to do as ( invisible!) Laundry Fairy pops in and out ? I would be more concerned TBH about being left with 4 DC while he fucks off to his little "jolly" if Im honest .Come on hes taking the piss here ! When I read your post I didnt realise you worked FT as well! Time for this hobby of his to take a back seat and him to partner up!

Templetreebreeze · 16/05/2021 11:02

So many women end up in this situation though.
Work FT and do everything.
If when challenged they verbally abuse you or give you the silent treatment its classed as domestic abuse.

Tlollj · 16/05/2021 11:08

I’m probably the last person to ask because I love doing laundry. I too had four kids at home at one time.
Time for The Talk. Get the kids involved too start delegating.
He is taking the piss.

maddiemookins16mum · 16/05/2021 11:10

Yet part of this problem is because women raised their sons to be like this. Not a popular view on MN (I await the ‘oh let’s blame their Mothers’’, but it must be partly true.

An0n0n0n · 16/05/2021 11:23

Talk to him. Not mumsnet!

Do tou realise you do minimal chores amd maximum hobbies and it puts an unfair burden on me amd im not happy. What are we going to do about it?

The only reasonable answer is obviously he needs to do more and you meed more downtime. Which you need to use for downtome, even if its going out for a coffee or a lie down

Hurr8cane84 · 16/05/2021 11:38

Unfortunately women have been conditioned to please everyone and do everything and over time things get to breaking point. It's not your fault but you'll have to make a stand to fix it.

Personally, I ended up leaving exH over it, unfortunately talking doesn't always work. My exH was VERY shocked when I left, he cried and begged for weeks and promised to change. But by that point I had lost all love and respect for him, there was nothing left.

LindaEllen · 16/05/2021 11:42

In our house (me, DP and 17yo DSS) we recently went from me doing everyone's laundry to everyone doing their own, and honestly, it's changed my life.

I'd tell your husband to do his own, and also encourage the kids to do it as well when they are old enough. Give them each a washing basket and perhaps tell them which day is their 'washing day' each week. Obviously depends on how old they are, but certainly high school children should be doing their own washing.

Cattitudes · 16/05/2021 11:54

Dh does his own, mainly because I was fed up of picking things up off the floordrobe. If they came down every day it would probably be integrated into the general wash. Teaching the teen how to do their own washing now. So slowly reducing my load. It is not just the putting in machine but hanging out to dry, sorting, folding, putting away. I do a whites load on a Friday night but everything else battles it out in a mixed load.

Original poster

BrutusMcDogface · 16/05/2021 12:13

I have lazy children too. We’ve had arguments all morning because I’m trying to get them to do jobs. My little girl has done really well but the older two are behaving like brats.

I know it’s my fault but I need to change things and I need to change them now!

OP posts:

LannieDuck · 16/05/2021 12:59

I would take the approach that of course he gets to choose what he does in his leisure time... after half (and I do mean half) the chores and childcare are done.

And that's chores and childcare after work every day as well as at weekends. I'll be amazed if he can do 2 (3?) hours of childcare every evening, cook dinner for the kids and for him/you, and still have the time/energy to go cycling. But good for him if he does.

In our house, the laundry + admin is equal to doing all the shopping + cooking. I would suggest that either he takes over doing (all) the laundry, or he takes on all the cooking (lunches as well as dinners) for the whole family.

And yes, the kids should help. But corraling them to do so is a chore in itself - I reckon it should fall to whichever of you has that particular chore. So the laundry - at the moment it would be your job to teach them how to do it... while the cooking would be his. It's an investment - you take the time upfront teaching them how, and you potentially get to offload some of that chore onto the kids in the future. But you have to put the work in to see the rewards...

Oldraver · 16/05/2021 13:00

I only voted YABU as he needs to do his and half the kids laundry

HeartZone · 16/05/2021 14:36

Does he at least do the gardening, lawn, house maintenance?

Merchymor · 16/05/2021 14:39

I don't even work full time and he does his own. I'm not going to be responsible for another grown adult's pants.

I generally do bedclothes, towels etc.

FangsForTheMemory · 16/05/2021 14:40

I would start losing his cycling gear.

Cherrysoup · 16/05/2021 14:50

If I wrote down all the jobs I actually do, I think they’d all be surprised. Definitely doing it tonight 👍

Allocate everyone jobs that they do weekly/daily, no questions. No way would I be happy if my dh fucked off all day and left me to it when I’d been working all week. What a fucking joke! I wouldn’t be doing a scrap for him anymore. Is he expecting a meal when he finally deigns to return home? Because that would not be happening.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 16/05/2021 16:09

I'd do a detailed list... And approximately how long you spend on task weekly/daily...

Then write a list of all the admin your husband does... And how long each task takes.... So many men focus on the little they do do.. As 'I do help' on tasks that take little time /rare events... How long does it take to take the bins out /fill the car with fuel... These are only short tasks that are done weekly /fortnightly... This in no way is fair if the other parent, shops /plans and prepares and cooks, dozens of meals a week....

Then let him stare at the differences in the list... Ask him to add anything he does towarss the household... It will quickly show the massive difference...

Use this as your springboard...

Do not let him get away with 'helping', with such small kids, he should be doing at least half...if he can't see this...

You need to consider your future with this man child...

Original poster

BrutusMcDogface · 16/05/2021 16:15

I just saw my parents and they agree with me (despite my stepdad having done absolutely none of the shit work when we were kids....he feels bad now, and shares it with my mum 🤣)

Anyway, I have also gone out and am currently sitting in my car eating chocolate.

OP posts:

Original poster

BrutusMcDogface · 16/05/2021 16:16

@HeartZone

Does he at least do the gardening, lawn, house maintenance?

Mows the lawn once in a blue moon 🙄

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 16/05/2021 16:25

Can you send kids out with him on his hobby

rwalker · 16/05/2021 16:34

terrible idea its solves nothing and DW did this with eldest it just doesn't work he had 3 white tee shirt put them in that the washer then it in use up for a few hours whilst everything waiting to go in .

1 persons washing isn't going to make that much difference .
You need to look at every thing I think we can all be slightly guilty of thinking think just happen when we aren't involved.

Draw the list up then ask him how the pair of you are going to divide the work load.

TillyTopper · 16/05/2021 16:45

It doesn't seem reasonable he only does his own laundry - how about he much in and does the laundry half the time? If he's out so much for his hobby then a cleaner would be good too... and he should also set aside time for family. If he has 2 days off a week, at least one of those needs to be doing things with you/kids.

Original poster

BrutusMcDogface · 16/05/2021 16:47

He is a big bloke who generates a lot of washing!!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread