To not know what to do with DD12 please help

[Cocopogo]

DD12 behaviour is getting worse. I’ve tried hard discipline and I’ve tried love bombing type approach but nothing seems to be helping.
Their doesn’t seem to be any sanctions that she cares about much and once it’s gone and she’s had a tantrum about it it seems to be forgotten and the behaviour continues.
The worst behaviour is the taking food. She will eat EVERYTHING in the house (she’s now overweight) I don’t just mean junk food, I don’t buy it because she’ll just eat it. I mean everything. She’ll go in bread bag and take 5 slices of dry bread, she’ll eat a full box of cereal, she’ll eat all the yogurts out the fridge, she’ll open random tins in the cupboard and eat it. She’ll stick frozen fish fingers in the microwave for 5 mins and then eat it. All these behaviours happen when I’m out the house or very early in the morning. I’ve even considered putting a lock on the kitchen door but that isn’t teaching her control is it. Yesterday she ate all her siblings birthday chocolate.
I don’t even know how to put boundaries in as she has no phone now, she no longer goes to dance lessons she used to love, singing lessons she used to love, a youth club, watch tv, most of her toys have gone and none of these sanctions seem to have helped.
Other behaviours are that she doesn’t look after herself. Matted hair, doesn’t wipe after the toilet, needs telling every single day to brush her teeth, her room is very untidy and I end up having to sort is as it becomes a health hazard.
Please help, I don’t know where to start.

Sounds like a cry for help OP

@flaminjo

Sounds like a cry for help OP

I agree.

She's losing friends, she is doing worse than expected at school, she is eating without restraint and not looking after herself.

Perhaps she is trying to say she isn't ready for all these things yet - as @ifyougetthechancedoit said, she isn't ready for self care and self direction at school, and self-regulating her eating habits.

Perhaps she is saying that for now she needs a lot more help and support with all these things, school work, friendships, eating, tidying, washing. As if she were younger than 12.

I think we all go through times when we need to regress a bit.

Perhaps she needs you to parent her as a younger girl for a while, so that she can build up something inside, some strength, to go on with the business of maturing and developing.

So maybe she does need more boundaries around food - as you would with a younger child - but done somehow in a supportive way rather than punitive.

So "I am going to help you to eat well and make good choices because it is hard to do that for yourself when you're not yet grown up"

... rather than ....

"DD you have been so greedy, I am appalled at you - I am going to lock the cupboard door and if I see you sneaking food you will have no biscuits for a month!!"

I know it's already been suggested but my first thought was ASD too.

Almost every time you post there's something that makes me wonder. Not liking her hair being brushed ie sensory issues, extremely poor hygiene, struggling with friendships (being chatty and sociable does not stop you being autistic, you need to look at why she can't keep any friendships), uncontrolled eating to real extremes, it sounds like she's very disorganised and messy, emotionally immature (children with asd can be up to 3 years behind), really struggling with the transition to secondary school, very low self esteem and going to bed early and getting up early.

The problem with getting her assessed for autism is that they won't look very hard - especially if it's CAHMS. Girls are also better than boys at masking they also often want to try to fit in more - they just fail at it. You really need to provide the evidence and it's quite possible that you just haven't recognised it unless you know exactly what to look for and what things could indicate - for example did you realise that not wanting her hair brushed could indicate a sensory issue? It's so easy to not realise these things and CAHMS won't help you. Them (or anyone) saying she is fine is not correct, she is not fine and you need to evidence it all and keep pushing for help. Why exactly do school think no SEN? Are they aware of all her issues at home?

Please stop punishing her though, she already has no self esteem. She needs your love and support and help more than probably ever. And she really needs you to make professionals listen and get to the bottom of what is going on for her whether it's ASD or something else. All this is really hard for you but it's 10x harder for you.

I would actually increase her level of responsibility, rather than decreasing it. The OP already infantilises and controls her DD to a degree that is unhealthy IMO. I would give this young girl more opportunities to succeed. That doesn't mean letting her fend for herself. But I would create a framework in which she has more control over her own choices. Let her decide when she gets up in the morning. Give her back her CD player. Have her fill a snack box with snacks for the week and let her decide when she wants them. Allow her to choose some extra-curricular activities that will help her build her sense of self-esteem. And so on. All of this should be undertaken in conjunction with professional help and guidance.

@TooMuchAndNotEnough

I would actually increase her level of responsibility, rather than decreasing it. The OP already infantilises and controls her DD to a degree that is unhealthy IMO. I would give this young girl more opportunities to succeed. That doesn't mean letting her fend for herself. But I would create a framework in which she has more control over her own choices. Let her decide when she gets up in the morning. Give her back her CD player. Have her fill a snack box with snacks for the week and let her decide when she wants them. Allow her to choose some extra-curricular activities that will help her build her sense of self-esteem. And so on. All of this should be undertaken in conjunction with professional help and guidance.

Some good ideas here.

This approach sounds both supportive and facilitating.

Allows her choices within a framework - could both bolster her self esteem while at the same time providing the containment and support that she also needs.

Last year my daughter stopped washing (she's always been reluctant tbf). Her hair was matted, she couldn't tolerate it being brushed. She was binge eating till it physically hurt her stomach. Her usually pretty tidy room became a toxic waste site with its own mini eco system I swear!, she would of stayed in the same pjs for weeks or until they crawled to the washer themselves.

I quickly realised she was struggling. Let's face it if an adult behaves this way we'd think mental health problem. I contacted our gp who agreed and I started grabbing at any help I could. School will be a good place to start. Get a meeting and explain the full extent of what's going on at home. Give her back her phone etc so she's got some distractions. No more punishments she's actually in the grips of a mental health crisis. Encourage any activity that she enjoys, get her out for a short walk everyday if you can. Use that time walking for a chat, about anything she likes. Open the lines of communication.

My daughter is autistic. The binge eating turned out to be part self harm, the pain was a distraction from her emotions, and part oral stim. Found she liked ice pops to crunch on which helped. The washing and hair situation were sensory issues. All were always there to some extent but with lockdown and school change it tipped our girl over the edge. Complex CBT have helped massively for our daughter.

Best of luck