To not know what to do with DD12 please help

[Cocopogo]

DD12 behaviour is getting worse. I’ve tried hard discipline and I’ve tried love bombing type approach but nothing seems to be helping.
Their doesn’t seem to be any sanctions that she cares about much and once it’s gone and she’s had a tantrum about it it seems to be forgotten and the behaviour continues.
The worst behaviour is the taking food. She will eat EVERYTHING in the house (she’s now overweight) I don’t just mean junk food, I don’t buy it because she’ll just eat it. I mean everything. She’ll go in bread bag and take 5 slices of dry bread, she’ll eat a full box of cereal, she’ll eat all the yogurts out the fridge, she’ll open random tins in the cupboard and eat it. She’ll stick frozen fish fingers in the microwave for 5 mins and then eat it. All these behaviours happen when I’m out the house or very early in the morning. I’ve even considered putting a lock on the kitchen door but that isn’t teaching her control is it. Yesterday she ate all her siblings birthday chocolate.
I don’t even know how to put boundaries in as she has no phone now, she no longer goes to dance lessons she used to love, singing lessons she used to love, a youth club, watch tv, most of her toys have gone and none of these sanctions seem to have helped.
Other behaviours are that she doesn’t look after herself. Matted hair, doesn’t wipe after the toilet, needs telling every single day to brush her teeth, her room is very untidy and I end up having to sort is as it becomes a health hazard.
Please help, I don’t know where to start.

I have spoken to the school several times due to DD being unhappy and peers being unkind but she moved primary schools due to same sort of issues. She seems to be an easy target for unkindness but her mouth lets her down and prevents teachers from taking her serious.

No MH in the family. Single, working parent. No assault. though I have slapped her legs to see if taking the hardline helped, it didn’t.
It started slowly I guess, taking the odd bit of junk food but as she’s got older and I’ve been able to go out more and leave DC home she’s had more access to kitchen and it’s become apparent she’s just taking whatever she’s wants. The other DC has been known to take food they shouldn’t so I just used to say who’s eaten all the yogurts, other DC would say well I’ve had one and DD would say I was hungry so I had them. I would say, if you are hungry then make a sandwich don’t eat 5 yogurts. But then she’d make loads of sandwich’s etc. I buy a loaf of bread and 4 pint bottle of milk and it’s gone within 24 hours.

@andtheweedonkey

You've taken all of her activities and her phone away. You've taken all of her toys away (except for the ones you choose). You've taken all of her clothes away (except for the ones you choose).

The only things left in her life that she has control over are her personal hygiene and food intake.

And now you think putting a lock on the kitchen door is a good idea?

100% this. It's the only way that she is able to exert any control. Please get her help, sooner rather than later.

You both need help. She needs a GP and you need a parenting course.

How you thought you could help a pre-teen by taking away every bit of joy in her life I don't know.

You even took her clothes?

A mother on Mumsnet once binned her kids clothes and bought new basics for each of them to avoid doing their washing, that always stayed with me, how upsetting for the kids to have to see all their clothes binned.

You've even taken her exercise. You couldn't treat dog like that.

I don’t even know how to put boundaries in as she has no phone now, she no longer goes to dance lessons she used to love, singing lessons she used to love, a youth club, watch tv, most of her toys have gone and none of these sanctions seem to have helped

Well no. They’ve made it worse.

Take away everything she loves = whats the point. No use loving anything as it’ll get taken away. Plus you’ve taken away her exercise and her outlet which won’t help the food issues, and not going anywhere or doing anything, again, what’s the point?

Dh keeps trying to use our dd’s activities as a sanction but I point out that she needs the exercise as it helps her mood, plus all it does is mean we are stuck at home with the stroppy teenager. That and she needs it to be healthy.

Get her back doing all her activities first. See if that helps.

@Santastealer she had it cut very short (pixie) cut a few years ago due to hating it being brushed.
She grew it out long but then a few weeks ago she got some scissors and cut it off herself.

you both need help. She needs a GP and you need a parenting course

This!!! Your dd has a mental health issue by the sounds of it. And you are handling this badly. You both need help.

I have slapped her legs to see if taking the hardline helped, it didn’t.

You HIT her? To see if it HELPED?

She sounds like she needs the doctors. You sound like you need some sort of parenting course. You've lost control of yourself as the adult and slipping into domestic abuse. She's showing some big flags for female autism but I'd certainly not be going on the diagnosis of anyone on the internet about why this is happening. The fact is, you're making it worse and you both need some sort of help.

OP some of these behaviours sound similar to those my son used to display. He has since been diagnosed with adhd. The combined of the right medicines and parenting techniques for adhd mean that we have been able to turn his behaviour and our family life back around. Please talk to your gp about this and good luck. I know how hard it can be.

Yes I did. My lovely parents used to hit me, I wouldn’t dared take food or mess my room up.

@andtheweedonkey when you put it like that it sounds awful but when she’s wearing smelly dirty clothes what was I supposed to do other than take them away so she has less responsibility and can cope better? It didn’t seem like a control thing at the time, it felt like reducing the pressures.

OP I've reported your post to ask for it to be moved. You don't need aibu responses on top.

Back at school I had anorexic behaviours and I know it was due to the amount of food going in my mouth being the only thing I could control. I think you should start being kinder to your dd, let some of the hobbies/freedoms back in. I have a fairly lazy dd but I make her tidy her room once a week on a Sunday, before she gets her iPad/phone. Also shower twice a week, or she doesn’t get her iPad/phone the following day until she has showered. That’s about all the rules I have, they are challenged but I’m consistent. I would suggest gp/cahms, however they take ages and improvements need to be made at your house immediately.

You thought it was a discipline problem, you did what you thought might modify things. They haven't. Stop now with taking and punishing. This is very difficult for you but dd is not responsible for your feelings right now so you need support yourself so that she doesn't feel she has to bear the burden of your worry as well as everything else. Next you need to step up and start supporting her. I would apologise for those mistakes, tell her you got it wrong and bring back whatever she wants to return to. It might be worth gently teasing things out with her 'I've noticed X, I'm wondering how I can help', she might be able to identify something or open up in some way. Don't talk or contradict, listen. And absolutely yes to the GP too. I feel for her so much. I was and am an emotional eater, sneaked the most non-enticing of things at times also, but nothing like this extreme. Best of luck.

Yes I did. My lovely parents used to hit me, I wouldn’t dared take food or mess my room up.

@Cocopogo so you're not even sorry, you're just doing what you think 'lovely parents' do? I'm hoping this isn't real, because it's quite concerning what you consider to be good parenting.

My dd is the same age. The lack of self care is concerning. Have you sat and talked to her? Seems the taking of everything just isn’t working. It sounds like there’s a problem beyond just being a 12 year old that needs investigation. It sounds like she’s struggling.

She doesn’t meet any markers for autism so I’m not sure why this seems to have been mentioned several times.
She is very socialable, just unable to keep friends. No communication issues as such. Quite flexible in thought etc.

However, I do think everyone is right and going to the gp with an open mind is the next step.

I tried turning a blind eye to reduce conflict and assumed it was the raging hormones and would settle with age but it’s getting worse.

@Cocopogo

Yes I did. My lovely parents used to hit me, I wouldn’t dared take food or mess my room up.

@andtheweedonkey when you put it like that it sounds awful but when she’s wearing smelly dirty clothes what was I supposed to do other than take them away so she has less responsibility and can cope better? It didn’t seem like a control thing at the time, it felt like reducing the pressures.

My lovely parents hit me too. It doesn't mean it was right. It has directly contributed to years of poor mental health including eating disorders because I am still - even though I'm nearly 40 - desperately trying to win their love.

She doesn’t meet any markers for autism so I’m not sure why this seems to have been mentioned several times.

@Cocopogo what did her last assessment say? Did school/HV/GP say why she didn't meet the threshold?

Turning a blind eye cab escalate behaviour as it's communicating something and needs to be listened to.

Is this some sort of reverse and it happened to you op?

Sorry but I'm failing to see how anyone when faced with a child who's neglecting themselves, closing themself off from the world and binge eating as a form of self harm can't see it for what it is.

She needs you to be proactive in getting her support for her mental health. She is on a downwards spiral. Her parents are the only people who can really help her. Because she's still a child.

And if this did happen to you, well I'm sorry your parents were so useless.

Hello OP, you do need help with this to help your daughter in turn.
I would advise the following steps:

1. Make an appointment at the GPS and explain the binge-eating and ask for a referral to be made to CAMHS
2. Telephone your child's school and ask to speak to their head of year or the teacher in charge of pastoral care. Explain that you are worried about your daughter's binge-eating and lack of self-care and that you feel powerless to know what to do to help her. Ask to be referred to whatever the parenting support facility is called in your area. (Lots of schools will have a number for this on their websites already do you could call them directly too but it is always best to keep school informed so they can also monitor your daughter too).

With the behaviours you have described you need to move away from thinking of your daughter as being naughty and think of her as struggling/being unwell and it is your job to help her get through it. Try and chat to her and say you are worried about her and want to help her. She might not say anything straight away but tell her to think about what she would like to change to be happier in her own time and make lists and share them with you and you will do your best.

Good luck OP x

Hi OP. I have an 18 year old who has an assessment for ADHD pending. It is o often missed in girls as they are often the inattentive type rather than hyperactive. This means the hyper stuff is often found on in their heads not physically which then affects their ability to study. My daughter's bedroom is an absolutely pigsty and will only be tidied when a friend comes to stay. She has difficulty regulating emotions so will have regular meltdowns and always had done. This affects friendships as she finds everyone annoying. She also talked a lot but does not listen. She eats constantly but I think fortunately seems to currently burn it off in emotional energy. When you start down the road of sanctions with this sorry of behaviour, the child kisses everything because the actions are out of their control when happening and a parents s standing there listing more and more severe consequences just escalates the situation. I agree with asking to see a GP and my advice is not to leave it until she reaches 17 as you start to be less and less involved as a parent the closer your child's is to 18 and this can make communication with services like GP very difficult.

This sounds hard.

Please don't remove as sanctions the things your troubled daughter relies on for enjoyment and connection; phone, clothes, toys, classes.

I work with children in a professional capacity, and can categorically say that few children who display behaviours out of the 'norm' would be doing so if there was not some underlying issue; behaviour is communication. Your DD is communicating loudly, even if she is not aware of it herself.

I think you can safely assume she is not being wilfully 'naughty'. Start digging and reaching out to professionals and agencies who can help, but GP should be first port of call. Aged 12, she will be eligible for self-referral to some young people's services. Also alert her school's SENDCo. Keep knocking on the doors and in the meantime, give your DD back everything, and try connecting with her, beyond the realms of right and wrong, be her haven and advocate. Seek a supportive community for yourself, there are some incredible online forums

loses not kisses