To quit my fancy new job (as it's turned me into a miserable cow?)

[thelongandshortofit]

When my last Dc started secondary school in September I went back to work FT having had a lovely but admittedly fairly leisurely few years working PT and raising the kids. I secured what I thought was my dream job but I feel like I'm failing at everything The hours are long so by the time I get home I'm tired & irritable plus I feel like I'm constantly spinning plates & they are all about to come crashing down!

I can't be arsed to go out or chat on the phone for hours so friends and family are being neglected; the house is a pig sty (slight exaggeration but it will never be as clean or tidy as I'd like); my kids are left to their own devices until we get home at 7 so aren't doing anywhere near the same amount or putting in the same effort with homework; my relationship with DH is not what it was as I feel like when I am at home I'm either moaning about work (very pressurised environment and my boss is a dick) or nagging about chores/homework/meals; I can't find the time or motivation to run anymore I've gained nearly a stone in weight and feel permanently sluggish. And it turns out I'm not even that great at my job anymore

So AIBU to just hand in my notice despite being there only 8 months? My contract has a competition exclusion clause so no chance of staying in the industry for a year+ which I'm not bothered about but no other skills to speak and we do need some income albeit not as much as I'm on now but no other clue what I'd do.

I just feel like there's more to life than work but scared (& embarrassed) to quit after such a short amount of time as it took me a while to go back to work and find what I thought was the perfect job and I know my friends and family were so proud of me and impressed with the new 'career girl' and I can imagine DH in particular being really disappointed as he saw it as a fantastic new beginning for the whole family. But I hate the new me

Can you go part time?

Sadly not @SarahBellam

It’s so difficult! I recognise a lot of the down sides that you highlight, lack of headspace outside of work and the drudgery of dealing with everything when you get home.

My working life got a lot better when she picked up more of the mental load and children’s drop offs and pick ups.

If your dh is doing everything he can to help then they’re not a lot more to make it better.

Just if you stay out of work then you’re in a very vulnerable position should anything change, death, poor health or divorce.

Perhaps another job ?

Dh picked up ! Not she

I would never advise anyone to give up their job / career. It's never a good idea to be fully financially dependent on someone else. You survived as a family financially without your income, so use some to get help. A cleaner / Gardner/ ironing service, anything that will give you some time back. A PT to get your fitness mojo back if that's what it will take.
You're probably being hard on yourself re your job - ask for a review, get some feedback and listen to where you can improve at work.
I changed roles in my company about 14 months ago and it has literally only been since January that I have finally "got" it. If we didn't need my salary I would have walked out many times last summer, but I'm pleased I didn't now.

Stay strong.

YANBU. Welcome to the joys of FT working in a stressful job and juggling family life- something always has to give and it’s usually the house, the routine for the DC’s, any social life and healthy eating/exercise (I speak from experience ).

You have a choice- either throw some money at getting a cleaner, possibly tutors for the kids and a personal trainer if you can carve out the time. Or leave and find some more manageable work- you must have transferable skills that you can use in a different field? Life is way too short to burn yourself out feeling rubbish at everything and like you have nothing left at the end of the day.

It's a shame they won't let you go part-time. Have you put in a formal flexible working request? Is there no way they'd even consider a 0.8? I've found that a lot of places are more open to that than, say, 0.6 as they save money but still get pretty much a full-time job done.

In my experience, finding a new good part-time job is quite tricky... Hardly any are advertised, so would probably be a case of applying for full-time ones and then negotiating on hours.

Can your DH change his work pattern to be at home more and take some of the pressure off? Role reversal and he might enjoy it? You probably need a bit longer to settle, so try not to be too hasty but do look for ways to ease the pressure and look after yourself.

Assume your DH works full time too? So you either need to hire some help for the home and both take responsibility for the kids etc. It can be done ....... once you establish yourself back at the work place a less taxing opportunity may come up

I think you should give it time, and like others have said throw money at the problem and make sure dh is pulling his weight.

Giving up might look tempting in the short term but your career is a long term investment. And ultimately, you’d be giving it up to make your family’s lives easier and I don’t think that’s a good idea for anyone - it will only lead to resentment. Your children and dh might need time to adjust but they can.

Look for a p/t less stressful job.

Get a cleaner and possibly tutors if needed. Outsource the bits you can't do everything. Just watching first series of Motherland which highlights this in a comedy fashion. Good Luck.

I think it would be the wrong thing to do. You haven't been there long enough to ask formally for flexible working but it's better to discuss it than give up altogether.

I agree with PPs that you should look at options to help such as a cleaner. I'm a single mum working FT. A cleaner would make a huge difference to me. I just can't afford it. You can. That would be a better solution than giving up work that gives you security for the future.

If the job itself is an issue, look for something else but don't leave until you've found another one.

The first year is always hardest. The second year is when you start to fly. I'd stick it out and not be so hard on yourself about home, homework, husband etc.

I have had the career, the money and the flashy house. I wasn't happy, now i have a little house and live on much much less but i am as happy and content as hell. When i die i want to have lived and not slogged my arse off to buy Jo Malone candles or the latest "must have" junk. I want to have spent many meals laughing and chatting with friends and family, i want to have seen our wonderful country, walked 1000s of miles on beaches, country lanes and hills. I want to enjoy my life, what is the point in earning just to buy "stuff" you cant take with you ? I don't need to boast about my job title or be defined by it. thelongandshortofit What kind of life do you want ?

could you get a cleaner in?

I dont think it matters that the kids are fending for themselves for a bit after school. I think thats normal at that age. You cant do everything

How many hours were you p/t?

I used to work 3 days a wk & now do 4.5 a wk (tto) & haven't noticed a difference because I now have flexible working, can wfh & a 20 min walk to work. Makes a big difference.

However I could earn 10k plus extra if I was prepared for more responsibility & to travel. I'm not as a balance is more important to me.

Is your job a “fee earning” position? Just wondering due to it sounding skilled/plates spinning/long hours/boss a dick/Part time absolutely not an option. I’m in a professional job that can either be fee earning OR client based. The client based or “in house” side has lower earning potential, but there’s better options for flexible working.

@wotchhha I used to work 8-3 4 days a week but from home and now I'm out of the house 7:30-7pm (sometimes later) 5 days a week so quite an increase.

I could probably afford a cleaner to cover the basics but certainly not in the tutor/gardener/PT income bracket .

I think I'm going to try and push for Reducing my hours even if it's just half day off once a week. It would at least be one night I'm not juggling work with getting kids to activities/making dinner and I would have time to go for a run which would be lovely (& probably the head space I need)

I can relate directly to a lot of what you are saying OP, especially the nagging chores/homework/meals thing. I dont agree throwing money helps but it does alleviate.

We had a nanny pre covid she was fabulous in every way, but we both felt we wanted to be more involved in the children's life, education (be the one to help with homework, not pay a tutor) and more emotionally present, have a relationship with DH the usual story etc. It wasnt necessarily time or date nights we needed, we just wanted to decompress, to have dinner with kids and have more patience, rather than rush rush rush and nag nag nag.

Your kids are in secondary, I have zero clue about what to expect for teenage years. I always thought that is the perfect time to plough yourself into work.

Anyway I dont have advice as I too am stuck. The other issue is I'm not actually getting ahead career wise, senior in title but really various exec's intern and client's dog. I'm interviewing but half heartedly because for me I think I need a career/functional change rather than just change companies.

You say your boss is a dick so that is always unpleasant, I couldnt work somewhere like that. It's hard to say because it sounds like you're feeling a bit down with work, perhaps some imposter syndrome, in which case you can build up confidence with experience. If you're not actually suited to the role, then maybe you need to pinpoint the roadblocks, is it some technical or soft skills gap? Is it more resources or support you need? If it's a shitty environment that's out of your control, then lifes too short I'd look for something else.

Yes that's quite a adjustment.

Does DH help? My DH could wfh & did school drop offs etc (pre covid).

We do have a cleaner, outsource ironing, often use apps like chop chop etc to make things easier.

Reducing your hours could make a big difference. I'm home by 5 at the latest & it means we have plenty of time.

I think the actual job role is important too. Lots of my work is spreadsheets & paying invoices so it doesn't matter if I do it at 10pm on a Saturday.

You gone to nearly a 55 hour week?
And your husband FT as well.

Those hours are mental.

How on earth do you think you can do that with a family, plus kids and a house?

Has your husband massively stepped up?

What's the increase in money?

Life is far too short for those hours if someone isn't massively playing a part in the work load at home.

Honestly, you'll get used to it. Get a cleaner to sort the house, maybe get the eldest kid/kids to help cook a day or two a week. Give the kids some chores?