To quit my fancy new job (as it's turned me into a miserable cow?)

[thelongandshortofit]

When my last Dc started secondary school in September I went back to work FT having had a lovely but admittedly fairly leisurely few years working PT and raising the kids. I secured what I thought was my dream job but I feel like I'm failing at everything The hours are long so by the time I get home I'm tired & irritable plus I feel like I'm constantly spinning plates & they are all about to come crashing down!

I can't be arsed to go out or chat on the phone for hours so friends and family are being neglected; the house is a pig sty (slight exaggeration but it will never be as clean or tidy as I'd like); my kids are left to their own devices until we get home at 7 so aren't doing anywhere near the same amount or putting in the same effort with homework; my relationship with DH is not what it was as I feel like when I am at home I'm either moaning about work (very pressurised environment and my boss is a dick) or nagging about chores/homework/meals; I can't find the time or motivation to run anymore I've gained nearly a stone in weight and feel permanently sluggish. And it turns out I'm not even that great at my job anymore

So AIBU to just hand in my notice despite being there only 8 months? My contract has a competition exclusion clause so no chance of staying in the industry for a year+ which I'm not bothered about but no other skills to speak and we do need some income albeit not as much as I'm on now but no other clue what I'd do.

I just feel like there's more to life than work but scared (& embarrassed) to quit after such a short amount of time as it took me a while to go back to work and find what I thought was the perfect job and I know my friends and family were so proud of me and impressed with the new 'career girl' and I can imagine DH in particular being really disappointed as he saw it as a fantastic new beginning for the whole family. But I hate the new me

Maintain relationships via WhatsApp and messaging rather than long calls? The only person that I speak to fairly regularly on the phone is my mum.

I wouldn’t quit yet. Are you going to bed early enough? Try cooking ahead? I’m doing a roast and other meals today. To safe me time after work. School dinners rather than packed lunches.

Get a cleaner. Worry about being sociable when things open, meal out with family and friends etc?

Plan a brilliant holiday and save up for it.

Get 12 months under your belt, smash targets abd then get a sales role that is more flexible. Could you become an account manager in IT/telecommunications sales? Much more wfh, a car allowance and good salary.

DH go part-time?

Can you buy in help? Cleaner/housekeeper perhaps. I had someone twice a week from 2-6, worked brilliantly and she cooked too!

I did this a couple of years ago. I thought it was time I found a full time job, earning better money but it ended up being a nightmare. Horrible manager, long commute 3/ 4 days a week, and anxiety like I had never had before. I quit after six months, with my mental health in tatters and went back to my old job which was such a relief.

I think the main thing when you are negotiating at your meeting, is look at it from the companies POV - ask yourself what do they want / what problems can you solve for them? (People are terrible at not doing this.)

The main thing they care about is that you perform in the role and become a useful investment going forward. They’ve recruited you, and they don’t want to loose you. So sell it in those terms - give whatever you want a positive spin - it’s fine to mention the practicalities of working with kids, but don’t moan or sound like you can’t cope (you can do this as a known employee, not as a newbie).

Those are long hours outside the house - can you deffo not ask for a day WFH? Is there real evidence they won’t allow it? Unless there is hard evidence that’s the first thing I’d pitch for, explaining that even with your DH stepping up, you of course have a family to run, and a day from home would really help you keep your energy levels up.

If it’s not possible - then I’d ask for a 9 day fortnight - with either Friday afternoons or every other Friday off. In a year you can bring it down to 4 days if it’s working.

The other thing is trying to do the job and not having help with the house and family chores is really setting yourself up for trouble - get a cleaver ASAP. Get some family meals in from Cook or similar, so there are nights no one has to cook, do some batch cooking - and make your everything is divvied between you and DH - he sounds willing but I doubt he’s pitching in enough because neither of you is used to it. Get a shared calendar and share all tasks equally. And make sure the kids to the basics (with pocket money fines if they don’t.)

If you haven’t sat down w your DH to discuss this - do. You should be working together to solve it.

Also - if you are finding managing the work load tough, think about a few sessions with a career coach, they can be really good at getting you to see clearly how you can make things easier. A few sessions is usually fine.

Finally 8 months is not long to go from O to 60 so give yourself time to figure out how it can work for you. The money you spend off-loading work onto a cleaner etc will get paid back later as you have a well paid career - if this company isn’t family friendly enough for you - after 18 months you can look to switch.

Good luck

Career progression is nothing to sniff at, especially with gaps in your CV. If there is any way to reduce your hours or improve your work/life balance with more help from your family, that should be your first port of call.

I was a SAHM for years before getting back into work, and would never give up the opportunity to work full time again. My DC just have to pick up the slack, as they are part of the family too, and I also have to reduce my own expectations of meals (simple is best!) and order.

Why is your DH not pulling his weight re kids activities/homework motivation/cleaning etc? Did it become your default job when you were part time and now you're full time it's still your job?
DH and I both work full time, take kids to clubs/ help write revision schedules/ cook clean and shop and have some spare time each. The load is shared equally or otherwise what is the fucking point of your relationship

Re the chat with your boss, I’d tell him it’s not what you expected as the hours are higher than stated in contract and you feel he can be brash at times which you know is meant to motivate but works to demotivate with you ( have examples ready ). Note you would like to reduce your hours perhaps to 9 to 5 or similar.

No don't leave. Not yet. Give it more time

It's hard because you had a break and you're still new in the role

Don't give up. You can do it

I don't think you should give up yet.
It's a management job in sales. I don't see any reason why that couldn't be done from home 1-2 days per week. Sounds like a presenteeism type culture where you need to be seen to be in the office for them to be convinced you are doing something. Whereas you could be at your desk on facebook. Effective working from home can be measured on outcomes. You can present your argument for WFH by saying that you can deliver xyz results /outcomes and will be more motivated due to better work life balance, and have more energy due to time saved commuting. You can go in on days where you have meetings or there's a specific need for your physical presence. Also second getting a cleaner and discuss what adjustments DH canmake . You haven't mention his role that much, has he stepped up?

Did you enjoy your old job and did it work for you?
Because I can see no positive in this job. Barely more money, unspeakable hours, no flexibility. The only reason for staying being some future potential advancement.
DC don't take up less time once they start secondary as you have discovered. I'm sure mine took more.

You mentioned worrying about curtains not been drawn and beds not being made.... There's two things you can just leave of your mental load - so what if they don't get done? What is going to happen that's so bad? For me these are two examples of don't sweat the small stuff.

The competition clause is rarely legally enforceable so forget about that.

Put in a formal Flexible Working Request and if it is refused get another part time job.

Good luck

Don't leave.
Get a cleaner.
Shop online with a menu plan.
Make DH step up and take on some of the mental load - it's no good him doing what you ask him to do, he has to take ownership of it. Give him the laundry, garden, 2 nights' dinner and all utilities and insurances to sort?

* my kids are left to their own devices until we get home at 7 * Sorry op, that would be the deal breaker for, and I work so understand the pull of the responsibility of financial independence.

I would try to hang on OP. You will get better at the job. You are being stretched and it is uncomfortable, but you are growing.

Meanwhile anything you can do on this list might help:
-get a cleaner once a week
-shut kids bedroom doors and ignore

• have a once a week take-away
• have a once a week dump it all in the slow cooker recipe
• set up an every other week meet up with girl friends whether that is coffee at the weekend or Friday night drinks

Nobody lies on their death bed wishing they had worked longer.

@LowlandLucky

Nobody lies on their death bed wishing they had worked longer.

Dunno, I reckon I would if I died utterly poverty-stricken due to lack of pension.

Hang in there. DH needs to do a lot more.

Is it the commute that’s taking time, or are you working a hell of a lot of hours? Are you working the hours you’re contracted to, or more?

If there’s no way they’ll consider reducing your hours, even to 0.8, would it be a possibility to compress your hours? So basically sack off anything except work 2 days a week and leave even earlier/be home even later, but in exchange have 1 or 2 days a week where you’re home earlier? Or wouldn’t it be worth it?

Was going to suggest compressed hours, but your hours are insane already so you would be home by midnight!

What about one day off a week, however you want to suggest it to line manager?

Perhaps look at the options to reduce by 10%?

You could do this as a half day per week or full day every other week.

So many people suggesting reduced hours when OP already said it's not possible!! It's infuriating to read. Many jobs, especially senior or client facing roles, cannot be done on 80%. They just can't because the people you are serving expect service throughout the week. Even if some adjustments can be done for a few people, it still requires many others in the team to work full time to cover and those on 80% take a massive back seat career wise.

It's a personal choice at the end of the day..There are quite a few young women in my village, who seem to have fancy jobs,so they say,and whatever a fancy job means. I don't know if they ever feel burned out at all, but all their babies and small children, are put into day care places,and picked up in the evenings. They all have cleaners, and dogwalkers, and gardeners etc.

I guess that this is what you have to do, if you wan't to climb up the career ladder, and are money motivated., and can handle all the stress that may come with this kind of life.