To quit my fancy new job (as it's turned me into a miserable cow?)

[thelongandshortofit]

When my last Dc started secondary school in September I went back to work FT having had a lovely but admittedly fairly leisurely few years working PT and raising the kids. I secured what I thought was my dream job but I feel like I'm failing at everything The hours are long so by the time I get home I'm tired & irritable plus I feel like I'm constantly spinning plates & they are all about to come crashing down!

I can't be arsed to go out or chat on the phone for hours so friends and family are being neglected; the house is a pig sty (slight exaggeration but it will never be as clean or tidy as I'd like); my kids are left to their own devices until we get home at 7 so aren't doing anywhere near the same amount or putting in the same effort with homework; my relationship with DH is not what it was as I feel like when I am at home I'm either moaning about work (very pressurised environment and my boss is a dick) or nagging about chores/homework/meals; I can't find the time or motivation to run anymore I've gained nearly a stone in weight and feel permanently sluggish. And it turns out I'm not even that great at my job anymore

So AIBU to just hand in my notice despite being there only 8 months? My contract has a competition exclusion clause so no chance of staying in the industry for a year+ which I'm not bothered about but no other skills to speak and we do need some income albeit not as much as I'm on now but no other clue what I'd do.

I just feel like there's more to life than work but scared (& embarrassed) to quit after such a short amount of time as it took me a while to go back to work and find what I thought was the perfect job and I know my friends and family were so proud of me and impressed with the new 'career girl' and I can imagine DH in particular being really disappointed as he saw it as a fantastic new beginning for the whole family. But I hate the new me

7.30 til 7 out the house is mega tiring even with no kids. Is there any way you can work from home some days, sort out some life admin on the commute, adjust your hours or something so that you're out 8 til 6 max, I think that the extra 1.5 hours every day will make a huge difference

Your DH needs to start doing 50% of the chores etc now you’re both working FT. You can’t continue what you were doing before in a fraction of the hours.

That's a massive adjustment and a lot of time out of the home. Is there a reason you can't work from home at least some of the time? How about DH?

If you can't because of your job then that's one thing, if you can't because this particular job isn't offering flexibility (and if it's that, where have they been, haven't they noticed flexi is the new black?) then my advice would be to stick at it until you've done another year and then look for another job. This may well be your dream job at your nightmare organisation... if so, it's the organisation that has to change.

The money hasn't increased that much (my hourly rate has actually decreased!) although there is career progression and potential to earn a lot more.
My dc and dh do pitch in to a degree (cook a meal one night each, run the vacuum round, put a wash on etc) but it's very much on my say so and then a long list of annoying things that they don't see /care about like getting home to unmade beds and unopened curtains & wet towels on the floor or nights one of them isn't cooking getting home and ending up with either a takeaway or eating really late.

I do agree it's the hours rather than the job that are the main issue so will broach it on Monday and see how that goes before doing anything radical.
I'm not worried about being dependent on dh but I wouldn't want to bring nothing to the family pot when DC are at school all day - it just doesn't sit right with me IYKWI. We've had various stints of role reversal over the 20+years we've been together with me being breadwinner for 2 years after having dc1 (albeit 4 day week and only 1 baby/toddler at home). We have shared finances, nothing hidden or controlled but I do need to earn a living somehow!

Yours posts are all really helpful and giving me plenty to think about so thank you all.

No chance of working from home -not a company policy as some administrators do by my role definitely can't be done at home.

Are you really sure that with a bit of planning and support from others in your team you could not do one or two days a week at home? Assuming you have no face to face contact with the public.

It massively doesn’t sound worth it, looking at your new update.

It doesn’t matter what other people think (unless they’re genuinely offering to help), you should ignore them and do what is right for you. Only you know what that is but those hours would not work for me.

Can your DH not take on more of the mental load of housework and children’s homework etc. Can he work from home now and then even if you can’t? Or could he reduce his hours? It’s very hard both working long hours but I’d look to him to be flexible rather than you if you’ve only been in your new job 8months. You don’t have a lot of leverage to negotiate in a new job.

[quote thelongandshortofit]@wotchhha I used to work 8-3 4 days a week but from home and now I'm out of the house 7:30-7pm (sometimes later) 5 days a week so quite an increase.

I could probably afford a cleaner to cover the basics but certainly not in the tutor/gardener/PT income bracket .

I think I'm going to try and push for Reducing my hours even if it's just half day off once a week. It would at least be one night I'm not juggling work with getting kids to activities/making dinner and I would have time to go for a run which would be lovely (& probably the head space I need)[/quote]
I pay my PT £30 a week for an hour's session of weights at the gym. It's a really focussed session and he really stretches me. Also keeps me honest on my running 2-3 times a week. It's the only exercise I pay for - he has an arrangement so I don't have to pay for access to the (local, independent) gym for his sessions. It's well worth it. Look into whether there is anything g similar near you.

When I read your OP I thought you were maybe being a bit of a wuss but those are serious hours. I’m pretty senior but my hours averaged at 8-6 out of the house (still WFH now, expect to WFH 3 day/week when back to normal). What’s causing the hours, what type of career? Any chance of staying where you are for a year or two then moving for a better work life balance?

@Puppalicious without wanting to give too many specifics it's a management position in a (very) target driven sales environment. Zero chance of home working.

Thanks again for all your advice. I actually have a monthly meeting in the diary with my boss tomorrow so really no excuse not to tackle it ASAP but not quite sure how I approach it: polite request to consider flexible working hours that will be shot down instantly? A 'this can't go on I need to reduce my hours' plea? Threaten to reduce my hours or I'll quit? I've mainly got to resist the temptation to ask what I really want to know: 'Are you so horrible to me in the hope I'll quit and you can get a man someone who doesn't have a life outside work?' Wise words appreciated

Quit OP.
I’ve done shorter stints in jobs that did not live up to my expectations. I’ve found you can talk around things on your CV fairly easy. It’s when it’s very frequent job hopping that it might become problematic.

Life’s short, move on.

Give it more time: it will get easier. Get a cleaner and insist that everyone tidies their rooms each week the evening before they come. Use Gousto for some meals each week. Each family member can have an evening when they cook: they can choose their recipe when you/DH do the order on the app. Let some things go. If people’s towels are wet, that’s their problem.

Crucial question: what does your DH think? You say he’d be disappointed because he was pleased you got such a hotshot job. But if you tell him how it is making you feel, what does he say? If it’s ‘how can we make this work, what more can I do?’ Then there’s a conversation to be had with him about rejigging things at home a bit more. If he’s unsympathetic and unsupportive and thinks it’s up to you to juggle all your responsibilities including running the home, then you’ve got a DH problem.

It goes without saying that you’ve got a boss problem. In my view, life is too short to work for a shit boss. Whether you leave because of him or decide to grit your teeth and tolerate him will depend in part on the level of support you have from your DH, in my opinion.

A non-compete clause that prevents you from taking another job in the same industry is very likely unenforcable. Somw companies like to put in blanket, long term bans on any work in the same area despite knowing they'd lose a court challenge. Non competes need to be fairly limited and specific, e.g. by preventing you to take your own clients to new employer. I'd recommend doing some in depth research or speaking to a specialist lawyer. My DH looked into it when leaving his last job.

A lot of people are advising you to outsource work (cleaning etc) so you can spend more time away from your family doing a job you don't enjoy for people you don't like. To me that seems mad, and unlike a pp I would always encourage someone to leave a job which is bad for their mental health. So I would encourage you to look around for a role with more flexibility that works for you. 8 months or not. How long do we let ourselves be miserable for?

I would never give up a job because other people "need" you. They don't "need" you to do the housework, make sure homework is done, food is on the table... etc. I might compromise and get a cleaner (which hubbies can jointly pay for - everyone makes a mess of the house, so it isn't your job to clean it or pay for it to be cleaned). But past that the rest of the household needs to shape up and take responsibility. You can't decide whether the job is a problem on is own - that being your choice - when nobody else is pulling their weight and existing you to have "your jobs" in the house too.

Quite separately from that, that non-competition clause is probably not remotely enforceable.

I'd jack it in. Get some advice about the competition clause - I am not a lawyer but if I remember rightly most of them are considered unenforceable.

Oh - just seen PP has also said hat.

I used to work 8-3 4 days a week but from home and now I'm out of the house 7:30-7pm (sometimes later) 5 days a week so quite an increase.

I think you just need to give yourself more time to get into the new routine, it's a step up but I think you knew this already.

All the things that are being suggested for you that you can’t do - reduced hours, home working, etc - can your DH do any of them?

Realistically if you were coming home to a moderately sorted house and kids you would be loads less stressed. I used to do those sort of hours every day without kids and it was tiring but fine.

This makes me so grateful I work where I do!

Tbh @thelongandshortofit I'd be looking for a similar role in a different firm. I work in financial services the only clause we have is about taking clients with us (ie not to) I'd be surprised if not being able to work for a rival would be enforceable but someone specialising in employment law will be able to tell you.

Tbh OP. You’ve given it a good go and you don’t like it. There’s more to life than having a high flying career (though you wouldn’t always think so reading mumsnet). Surely better to be happy and find a better work life balance. I’d be looking for another job, even if it is “below you” in terms of qualifications, experience etc, that’s gives you a better balance. I have teens and work full time, but I leave the house at 8 with them and am back by 5:15. I absolutely would not want to be out of the house longer than that, 7pm when you have teens to parent is just too much.

Competition clauses are very very likely not enforceable. Please look into that further.

I did this a few years ago. Went back full time after being a SAHM. It was a big shock! Got used to it, outsourced cleaning, stopped ironing, bought more convenience foods etc and Amazon Prime became a lifesaver.

You need to be super organized! School things dealt with immediately, spare everything, supermarket deliveries for food, childcare swaps with friends (pre-Covid), use after school clubs if you can, bonus points if they also ferry the kids to their activities during this time... I take one day off in December and another in June just for me. December tends to be Xmas shopping and June holiday prep. I also book as many school holidays in as possible in advance so we all know there’ll be some quality time coming up.

All of that said, working from home has saved my sanity so definitely pursue that some days.

Look for a new job if find one you like.
12 month non competition clauses in employment contracts are by and large not worth the paper they are written on.

I’ve always had them and if they were legally binding I’d never have been able to move companies ever!

There would have to an extremely niche set up circumstances for a judge to enforce 12 months