Why do we make children sleep in their own room when it’s clear they don’t want to?

[merrynelly]

Many people I know have struggled with or are struggling with getting their children to sleep in their own room and to stay there for the whole night. Often the child comes to the parents room in the middle of the night and if permitted will sleep in their parents bed for the remainder of the night. I would think that many children seem to feel safer and more secure sleeping in the same room as their parents if not the same bed. So why do we force them to go against what seems to be so natural for them?

Parents need a break, and they need to teach their children to be independent. Otherwise you're going to have an 18 year old going to uni unable to sleep because he's not cuddled up to his mum!

I wish people wouldn’t do these faux naive posts about choices they don’t agree with.

You know perfectly well why: because a wiggling child can stop you sleeping which will bugger up the following day and your mental health long term; because your partner feels like this even if you don’t; because you want to have sex; because you have more than one kid and you can’t fit them all in; because you think it’s important for children to learn to be comfortable alone.

Obviously some people like co-sleeping so it doesn’t apply. But you already know the reasons people don’t.

@LindaEllen

Parents need a break, and they need to teach their children to be independent. Otherwise you're going to have an 18 year old going to uni unable to sleep because he's not cuddled up to his mum!

Except that isn't what actually happens. People chuck this kind of statement out there, without actually having a clue what they're talking about.

Except that isn't what actually happens. People chuck this kind of statement out there, without actually having a clue what they're talking about.

Indeed. Like the fallacy that you must teach babies to be independent. It's a pet peeve of mine.

I think it's a genetic thing, people who don't want their kids in their bed and like their own space are more likely to have children who are happy to stay in their own beds and rooms. People who like having their young children near them at night are also more likely to have children who need their parents to be close.

My sister and I are adopted and very different, I used to get up an hour after bedtime and go and snuggle up with my mum on the sofa, my mum would then put me to bed again an hour later and my sister never did this. My kids co slept with me on and off until they were 7/8, my sister never had her kids in her bed and they never seemed to want to.

@Puntastic

My DS currently thinks it’s great and natural to wee in his potty but wants to shit in his pants... suppose I should leave him to it then and not try to encourage him otherwise. He would also like to eat chocolate as a main meal and watch 300 episodes of Duggee back to back. Here’s me going against his natural instincts - I’ve been getting this parenting thing all wrong

Well, nappies aren't exactly natural in and of themselves, are they? Training him to soil himself in the first place was where you deviated from the biological norm. Nappies are a social norm, and I put my DC in them too because they're much easier than practicing elimination communication from birth, but they're not the natural status quo.

And watching degree and eating chocolate aren't natural instincts either. I'm not sure that poster knows what natural instincts are.

You don't have to... Both mine were in with me until they were ready and chose to move. If they come into me in the night I would never send them away.

@Puntastic

Except that isn't what actually happens. People chuck this kind of statement out there, without actually having a clue what they're talking about.

Indeed. Like the fallacy that you must teach babies to be independent. It's a pet peeve of mine.

I used to laugh at the idea of teaching a baby to be independent. Presumably, all of these tots are changing their own nappies, feeding themselves and going out to earn their own living?

My children slept in my room until about 2. They they went in their own room and own bed happily. They still come into my bed in the night which they’re welcome to do so. If they’re sad or ill they ask to sleep in my bed also which is fine. They can’t have their beds in my room because it’s too small, equally 4 of us in a king size bed all night does no good for anyone as we all get a disturbed night.

@Etherealhedgehog

The whole 'going against nature' thing seems to be a core argument in favour of attachment parenting methods. See eg. people like Sarah Ockwell-Smith saying that we shouldn't sleep train and should be baby-led as far as possible when it comes to sleep because babies haven't changed since the stone age and don't know about the modern world. But the point is, we do live in the modern world. Like it or not, most families do need two incomes to survive and most of us are far from 'having a village.' So we do things that are 'against nature', like put children in their own rooms to improve parental sleep, because it's what works best for the family unit, bearing in mind that babies also need their parents to be functional in the daytime, earn money etc. If extended co-sleeping is working for your family then great, but I think this idea that we should do what nature dictates for babies, regardless of the costs, is all tied up with the expectation that mothers in particular should martyr themselves to parenthood. Which, as I have said on a previous thread regarding pressure to breastfeed, is very problematic from a feminist perspective

I also think it's always a bit bizarre that the people who are advocates of the 'babies haven't changed since the stone age' line are also invariably the same ones who advocate gentle parenting of toddlers (with Sarah Ockwell-Smith as a prime example). As if stone age parents were regularly having chats about their toddler's feelings and turning tasks into a game, rather than just giving them a smack...

To be honest, I have known peoples lives ruined over their children’s sleep issues and I’m not exaggerating.

I’m definitely not too rigid on this but I hate the way if you say co sleeping isn’t for you you’re made to be ‘unnatural.’

@LindaEllen

Parents need a break, and they need to teach their children to be independent. Otherwise you're going to have an 18 year old going to uni unable to sleep because he's not cuddled up to his mum!

What now? 🤣 I don't think that's ever happened because of Co sleeping. How over dramatic.

No, but you do get clingy children who don’t sleep well at all.

My first thought was because many British bedrooms are rarely large enough to have large enough beds/multiple beds to fit many people as comfortably as people would like. There was a thread recently about beds for couples and many were saying that a double was too small to sleep both comfortably -- then add children into the mix with bedroom sizes as they are in many places.

My spouse and I transitioned our children from our bed to their own in their own room at about 11-15 months. The one we transitioned at 11 months was the one who would turn sideways and kick.

We did have a transition time where they would get unsettled at night, so we either set up a double bed (with our oldest) so one of us could sleep in there if needed or we had a mattress/soft chair that folds out onto a mattress on the floor next to their bed that we could crash on there if it was needed. Some took longer than others to resettle into this routine, but we found it lessened when there was a sibling in the room too so I do think there is something to the idea that young children prefer to sleep around others, just not always parents.

We might have kept them in our room longer, but there was really no space for another or large enough bed, especially when we got to multiple children.

Oddly, growing up, my sister and I regularly slept in the same room as our mother when our father was away for business/whatever, even did it when I was 13. But the rooms were much larger with more sleeping space and at times was the only room with air conditioning/a ceiling fan for the heat -- I've not been in British houses with similar space.

It certainly didn't make us more secure, and I can't remember actually wanting to do it - my mother would say that's what we were doing that night and that was that, at least by the time I was old enough to remember, it was far more about what she wanted.

When my oldest was 7 or so, he cried out from his room because he'd got his leg caught between the bed and the wall in his sleep. I cried afterwards because the same thing had happened to me at a similar age and I'd just laid there, in agony, all night, too scared to be a bother.

I think he was far more secure, independent, and willing to take risks than I was at the same age and I don't think it came from where he slept. It was a mix of many factors.

My 9yr old ds has always slept with me. I have a king size bed and he doesn't make a peep. I really don't think he will still be with me at 18 🤣

Because a large part of parenting is preparing your children to cope without you. To be comfortable with themselves to the point where they don’t need your presence constantly and have enough trust and resilience to realise they are safe.

My children are always welcome to come in after a bad dream etc but I taught them to feel safe sleeping alone.

@partyatthepalace

I wish people wouldn’t do these faux naive posts about choices they don’t agree with.

You know perfectly well why: because a wiggling child can stop you sleeping which will bugger up the following day and your mental health long term; because your partner feels like this even if you don’t; because you want to have sex; because you have more than one kid and you can’t fit them all in; because you think it’s important for children to learn to be comfortable alone.

Obviously some people like co-sleeping so it doesn’t apply. But you already know the reasons people don’t.

I don't think anyone is actually wondering why some people choose not to co-sleep. It doesn't take much imagination as to why that might be a preferable option for some families.

I think what people are actually questioning is why there is so much societal judgment of those of us who do choose to co-sleep. Why it is somehow considered a virtue to get kids to sleep in their own rooms, while co-sleeping is somehow frowned upon.

I absolutely experienced this kind of judgment from others. You see it here on this thread too. So the question is not really about why some people choose to sleep separately from their kids, but rather why some of those people have such a problem with others choosing to bed share.

Because it doesn't work for everyone else in other households.
Do what you want to do and let other people decide what is best for them.

The only people who judge either way are those who have nothing important to think about.

We are the only species on the planet that makes their young sleep away from them.

@lavenderandwisteria

No, but you do get clingy children who don’t sleep well at all.

Do you have any proof for that?

Everything I've ever read says that children who cosleep grow up very confident and independent.

Re the marriage comments...
Had my OH not shared my bedsharing views I wouldn't have decided to have a baby with him. To me personally that would have been putting his needs before our baby's.
We talked about this in detail before we considered children.
He also fully supported me in other parenting choices e.g. minimal intervention homebirth.
We stand together on these decisions. As our daughter's parents we are the only people that matter when deciding how we raise her.

Also (and this is the psychologist in me), researchers such as Bowlby and Ainsworth are worth looking in to.

@Egghead81 This is my third child. I am a 40 yo experienced mum and my kids are 11 months, 11 years and 14 years. Bedshared with them all and zero regrets.

I don't think anyone is actually wondering why some people choose not to co-sleep. It doesn't take much imagination as to why that might be a preferable option for some families.

I think what people are actually questioning is why there is so much societal judgment of those of us who do choose to co-sleep. Why it is somehow considered a virtue to get kids to sleep in their own rooms, while co-sleeping is somehow frowned upon.

I absolutely experienced this kind of judgment from others. You see it here on this thread too. So the question is not really about why some people choose to sleep separately from their kids, but rather why some of those people have such a problem with others choosing to bed share.

I absolutely agree that there is no need for judgement either way, that families should do what works for them and that some of the comments made towards cosleepers are silly and offensive (you always get people who insist they'll never sleep alone or that it'll stunt them emotionally, which is a ridiculous thing to say about a practice used across most the globe).

What I don't think is helpful here, though, is that so often cosleepers insist not just that they've found a way of doing things that works for them - which is great! - but that it's how we all should do it (and would do it if we weren't so selfish), that it's cold and unnatural to do otherwise, that it's a sign our society is broken, etc. That tends to make people feel defensive, and so the cycle continues. So if the OP's judgemental, pretend-question post was really supposed to ask why she gets hostility about cosleeping then I think she's in part answered her own question.