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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Meeting friend next week, I haven't mentioned being pregnant. WWYD?

81 replies

Crepesuzanne · 13/05/2021 22:25

I wrote a post on here a few months ago asking for feedback on whether it was unusual/daft of me to keep my pregnancy to myself and not tell the majority of family/friends.

My reason was because a couple of them reacted negatively to me having my second and this will be my third. Their responses to my nice news put a bit of a dampner on what was initially a happy time, last time.

Circumstances aren't perfect, we could do with more space and one of our DC is disabled and hard work (which is where I believe the judgement comes from) but overall it's our decision to proceed right?

After not seeing anybody for the best part of a year I'm due to meet up with one of my long time friends next week, as good a friend as they have been - unfortunately they were one of the people who's reaction deflated me last time.

I'm 4.5 months now and have an obvious bump and I'm unsure whether to tell them in advance or just go along and say nothing at all, then brace myself for the shock / disappointment / judgement.

WWYD?

OP posts:

SnackSizeRaisin · 13/05/2021 22:30

I don't think I'd want to be friends with someone who was openly negative or judgemental about me being pregnant. Perhaps there is some back story - is she jealous because she wishes she had a child? In that case I would warn her in advance.

purpleme12 · 13/05/2021 22:31

I would tell them beforehand!

LawnFever · 13/05/2021 22:33

Erm, are you sure this person is really a good friend? That’s no way to react to someone’s news of being pregnant, unless there’s some huge backstory you’re not telling us.

Not sure if be meeting up with someone who’d behaved like this in the past.

UnFringed · 13/05/2021 22:34

Not go? She sounds a twat.

Jiggyjigsaw · 13/05/2021 22:35

I would tell them before hand in a message to give them time to digest the information before I saw them. As pp said though if they really have negative views on my pregnancy and not just the first perhaps knee jerk reaction then I don't think I could remain friends with them.

Original poster

Crepesuzanne · 13/05/2021 22:36

@SnackSizeRaisin

She has a grown up child and only ever wanted the one, she's a fair bit older than I am and is very much glad of the freedom that comes with no young dependents.

She's aware that my eldest has very challenging behaviour due to SN and I suspect thinks I was already taking on too much having a second after him.

Overall I think she's just one of them people who thinks you're bonkers for tying yourself down with multiple. Less freedom. Sacrificing work progression etc.

OP posts:

Roodicus21 · 13/05/2021 22:36

Sounds like you all have a weird concept of being a friend.

Original poster

Crepesuzanne · 13/05/2021 22:38

Crossed posts, sorry.

Unlike a certain family member she didn't say anything directly offensive when I told her about my last pregnancy, but her response was "oh..." then her face fell.

We was out having lunch at the time and it made things really awkward

OP posts:

Original poster

Crepesuzanne · 13/05/2021 22:39

So do you think a good friend should smile and congratulate even if they didn't see it as good news / think you're barking mad?

OP posts:

RoseRedRoseBlue · 13/05/2021 22:40

Your pregnancy is nothing to do with anyone else. Why do you put up with these people?

purpleme12 · 13/05/2021 22:41

@Crepesuzanne

Crossed posts, sorry.

Unlike a certain family member she didn't say anything directly offensive when I told her about my last pregnancy, but her response was "oh..." then her face fell.

We was out having lunch at the time and it made things really awkward

I would have pulled her up on this

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 13/05/2021 22:42

I probably wouldn’t bother going because she sounds like a dick.

Thethreewitches · 13/05/2021 22:42

I’m another one who wouldn’t go. I think that’s not how friends behave. You were already pregnant so she should have masked her private opinions and thought about YOUR feelings

MargateSands · 13/05/2021 22:42

Not sure I’d be meeting up with her at all. Negative about your last pregnancy and you feel anxious about meeting her? Life’s too short surely.

Original poster

Crepesuzanne · 13/05/2021 22:43

I think part of the problem is me, I allow myself to be affected by other people's opinions.

I don't have much family or many friends, so any downtrodden responses tend to stand out iykwim.

OP posts:

purpleme12 · 13/05/2021 22:45

I'm just thinking if you just let it go by and ignored that 'oh' then it will of course always be in the back of your mind and it's not dealt with! I don't think I could have just let it go by

Original poster

Crepesuzanne · 13/05/2021 22:45

Thank you all, it's good to hear outside perspectives.

I'm going to consider whether to send a message in advance or just cancel and not bother going at all.

I've had a few complications with the pregnancy thus far and really don't have the headspace to deal with negativity.

OP posts:

Greenmarmalade · 13/05/2021 22:45

I have previously been very concerned about a friend becoming pregnant with her third, as she was really struggling every day with her second child. I faked happy congrats, but I can see how others in different friendships could want to be more honest about their worries for someone.

Honeyroar · 13/05/2021 22:45

@Crepesuzanne

So do you think a good friend should smile and congratulate even if they didn't see it as good news / think you're barking mad?

Yes!

Original poster

Crepesuzanne · 13/05/2021 22:49

@Greenmarmalade

I did have PND after #2 due to a traumatic birth which resulted in a long hospital stay, but there was no way of knowing that was going to happen - so her dissapointed reaction to my news when i was around 12 weeks had no real basis then.

I do, however, suspect that will be another reason for judgement or disapproval this time.

OP posts:

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/05/2021 22:49

Well, if you are happy that you are pregnant then your friends and family should be happy for you!

Are you sure she only wanted one? Could it be that she actually wanted more but couldn't have them? With this in mind I'd probably tell her beforehand. If this is not the case I'd still tell her before you see her to avoid a disappointing reaction...

Original poster

Crepesuzanne · 13/05/2021 22:50

@Greenmarmalade I posted too soon. I forgot to add, how did your friend get on after having her third?

OP posts:

Original poster

Crepesuzanne · 13/05/2021 22:51

@Talkwhilstyouwalk

Well, if you are happy that you are pregnant then your friends and family should be happy for you!

It's not beyond the realms of possibility but she's always said she only ever wanted the one.

She loves to travel so any babies now just wouldn't fit in with her lifestyle, which she's quite passionate about.

OP posts:

romdowa · 13/05/2021 22:52

If someone couldn't be happy about my pregnancy then I'd would probably be the end of the friendship. Nobody else is paying my bills so they've no right to judge.

Lovesacake · 13/05/2021 23:00

I don’t think you can demand a particular facial reaction when you tell friends big news, and I don’t think it’s grounds to end a friendship if their reaction to big news isn’t what you were hoping for.
If they are rude, offensive etc that’s very different but if their face falls for a moment and then they recover themselves and act like a good friend for the rest of the pregnancy etc then I would forgive them for not being immediately delighted.

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