Meeting friend next week, I haven't mentioned being pregnant. WWYD?

[Crepesuzanne]

I wrote a post on here a few months ago asking for feedback on whether it was unusual/daft of me to keep my pregnancy to myself and not tell the majority of family/friends.

My reason was because a couple of them reacted negatively to me having my second and this will be my third. Their responses to my nice news put a bit of a dampner on what was initially a happy time, last time.

Circumstances aren't perfect, we could do with more space and one of our DC is disabled and hard work (which is where I believe the judgement comes from) but overall it's our decision to proceed right?

After not seeing anybody for the best part of a year I'm due to meet up with one of my long time friends next week, as good a friend as they have been - unfortunately they were one of the people who's reaction deflated me last time.

I'm 4.5 months now and have an obvious bump and I'm unsure whether to tell them in advance or just go along and say nothing at all, then brace myself for the shock / disappointment / judgement.

WWYD?

I would tell her in advance and be very direct: “before we meet up, I wanted to tell you that I’m pregnant, and really happy about it. Last time you didn’t react very well to the news so I thought I would mention it now and get it out of the way”.

I have twins and who are both autistic and everyone assumes we are not having any more. Any time it’s even been vaguely discussed in a group of us, the attitude is always “at least you know you won’t be having any more”. I’ve had GPs say to me “oh you can have a hysterectomy now that you’re finished having children”. For a while we were considering having another baby but I can imagine the horrified responses we’d get from people and the terrible ways they’d put their feet in it. We won’t be having any more which breaks my heart a little to be honest.

I’m really glad you’re happy and congratulations - don’t let anyone bring you down about it. Screw them.

@SinkGirl

I would tell her in advance and be very direct: “before we meet up, I wanted to tell you that I’m pregnant, and really happy about it. Last time you didn’t react very well to the news so I thought I would mention it now and get it out of the way”.

I have twins and who are both autistic and everyone assumes we are not having any more. Any time it’s even been vaguely discussed in a group of us, the attitude is always “at least you know you won’t be having any more”. I’ve had GPs say to me “oh you can have a hysterectomy now that you’re finished having children”. For a while we were considering having another baby but I can imagine the horrified responses we’d get from people and the terrible ways they’d put their feet in it. We won’t be having any more which breaks my heart a little to be honest.

I’m really glad you’re happy and congratulations - don’t let anyone bring you down about it. Screw them.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

My DS is also autistic and there's of course the risk that this baby will be too. It is something we have considered and if that's the hand we're dealt then so be it, we will do our best much like we do with DS.

This baby wasn't planned and was a total shock (contraception failure) and honestly, beforehand, we had no plans to have any more ourselves.

I'm sorry you've had such crap things said to you, I don't think people realise just how hurtful it can be to be on the receiving end of such assumptions and judgements.

I hope your decision to not have any more is because that's what you and DH want, not because of the opinions of others? Unmumsnetty hugs to you

I would tell her before the meeting over the phone and explain that due to her negative reaction you didn’t feel you wanted to tell her, maybe she will feel a twat. She certainly is ! I feel you op as a mum of a disabled child everyone assumed I couldn’t possibly manage anymore children and it would be completely mad 😂

It depends how much you complain about not having enough space, older children being difficult, always tired, difficult circumstances etc.

Can you afford to raise a third child (without a significant strain on family finances or relying on benefits to make ends meet?) You say ‘circumstances aren’t perfect’ can you elaborate?

If having a third child will put you in difficult financial circumstances, or ruin your career progression, or you’re in a tiny flat with no hope to buy/rent somewhere bigger then I think your friend might find it hard to be positive. It’s hard to act delighted for someone if you think they’ve made a life changing decision without thinking it through.

If you go, be really positive about the pregnancy and talk about plans you’ve put in place to cope (eg if you have PND again) rather than act like it’s just something that happened?

Just want to say congratulations and I wish you well.
If your friend cannot be happy for you and judges you she is no friend. Possibly your hv or surestart could introduce you to ones who will be mums who accept other people for who they are.

Happy to elaborate on circumstances not being ideal yes.

So we definitely need more space. I don't regularly moan about it though. It's just a fact but is subject to change.

She would probably tell you how relieved I was to be back at work after DC2 as I did say it was nice to get back into the workplace and have some time away from the kids, which was true, but I certainly wasn't desperate to get away from them.

DC1's needs are complex and his behaviour incredibly challenging, however I wouldn't change him for the world.

I have confided in her that I find it difficult to deal with his meltdowns occasionally when she asked how he was, and i do, but doesn't every SN parent? It's part and parcel isn't it?

To me it's no reason to abort (what is now) a much wanted baby.

I'm going to take the majority advice and send a message in advance.

Thank you for the kind words

In your friends defense some people do wear their heart on their sleeve and can't always control that initial reaction face to news. No one is obliged to be happy for you but they should know better than to be rude.

It's probably best to message in advance. It doesn't matter how they react in private or what they think as long as then keep any negativity to themselves.

Hope the meet up goes OK, friends don't have to agree on everything.

I see where you're coming from, More.

Oh I forgot to add financially.. we're not rich but can definitely afford to have the baby.

I think sometimes we see judgement & negativity whereas it's actually concern.

I definitely wouldn’t judge any friend deciding to have a third child under whatever circumstances. What I would find difficult is if they were then to moan about issues, finances, benefits, finding it too hard and not getting enough help etc...and expecting a lot of sympathy.

If that’s not the case for you, then why would it matter to them how many children you have?

I think I would frame the news to illicit the response I wanted and do it beforehand if I were sensitive to the opinions if others.

"Guess I should tell you our lovely news - we are having another baby! We are all absolutely thrilled, as I'm sure you will be for us etc etc"

She doesn't get to have an opinion and certainly not an opinion that counts. I have to admit though that this friend seems a bit nasty from what you have said. I quite like the self centered my way or the highway friends in short bursts but find that when you displease them or disagree they tend to move on to people who endorse them more enthusiastically.

I actually can't help feeling intrigued what the friend thinks now

I think a momentary lapse in social niceties can be forgiven if she was otherwise supportive and kind. Definitely not if it became on an ongoing lack of support.

I think my face probably looked a bit confused when my friend said she was having her fifth - primarily because I couldn't immediately tell from the way she said it that she was happy. Then it became clear she was worried about telling people not the actual pregnancy and I couldn't have been happier for her.

I can understand some people's reactions coming across badly when it's coming from a place of concern and not necessarily negativity, though I do think that once a baby has been conceived and it's clear the couple/or mother have no intention to terminate - the only thing you can do is smile and say congratulations.

I know a young woman through a parenting group who has recently had her 6th, she lives in an upper floor flat with no lift access and doesn't have enough bedrooms.

Of course most people would think "oh my that sounds difficult, I do hope she'll cope" but I'd never have said that to her (not that we're close friends anyway) and I did send my congratulations as I'm sure she expected alot of negativity.

It just seems pointless expressing concern / judgement when the baby is already on its way imo.

I would wonder if she wanted another one but couldn’t and therefore your news was a bit painful to hear. Often people who talk the most about not wanting children/only having one are those who can’t and are trying to convince themselves more than anyone else.

It’s looking increasingly unlikely that we will be able to have a second and, whilst I am always happy for my friends who have got pregnant, there’s always a little bit of pain and sadness when I first find out.

I’d message her in advance rather than spring it on her without warning, just in case.

I can understand that, Darkstar. I'm sorry for your struggles.

I'm going to send her a message later on today, that way she can process it and hopefully come across more optimistic in person.

I would never expect anybody to be overjoyed for me, I just find outwardly deflated reactions hard to take in - in person.

I would definitely message her in advance of meeting her. That way if she is shocked/likely to be judgemental then she will get over it in private away from you. I would decide whether to go ahead and meet up with her based on her response.
I don't know. She may be more concerned than judgemental , if she sees you struggling with the older one.
But ultimately it wasn't planned , and to me your situation also wouldn't be a reason to abort either so long term she needs to be supportive.

@Crepesuzanne

So do you think a good friend should smile and congratulate even if they didn't see it as good news / think you're barking mad?

of course they should!

PS Congratulations to you

My first thought was what the first poster said - do you really want to be friends with someone who you think would make you feel like crap about having a baby? Generally, do you like her and is she a kind person? Do you enjoy her company? I have had reservations myself about friends becoming pregnant but at the end of the day it's none of my business and I'd never say anything other than congrats. I've cut out a lot of people since I had my DD in 2018. It really made me re-evaluate the type of people I want to surround myself with.

If you do decide to meet her I wouldn't send her a message in advance informing her on your pregnancy. Why should you? If she does bring it up and react negatively perhaps it would be a good opportunity to set some boundaries and tell her that it's none of her business,

@Crepesuzanne

I can understand some people's reactions coming across badly when it's coming from a place of concern and not necessarily negativity, though I do think that once a baby has been conceived and it's clear the couple/or mother have no intention to terminate - the only thing you can do is smile and say congratulations.

I know a young woman through a parenting group who has recently had her 6th, she lives in an upper floor flat with no lift access and doesn't have enough bedrooms.

Of course most people would think "oh my that sounds difficult, I do hope she'll cope" but I'd never have said that to her (not that we're close friends anyway) and I did send my congratulations as I'm sure she expected alot of negativity.

It just seems pointless expressing concern / judgement when the baby is already on its way imo.

Yeah but what's the point of saying that they're concerned when you're already pregnant? What does that achieve only to make you feel bad

@Crepesuzanne

So do you think a good friend should smile and congratulate even if they didn't see it as good news / think you're barking mad?

Normally yes.

But do you complain about lack of space or the day to day struggles you might have?

I think since other people were deflated you will start to read more into the less-than-overwhelmed reactions of others. It doesn't sound like she did anything terribly wrong the first time, though she could have faked it a bit better! I would imagine that being comfortable with having one dc doesn't mean you can't have the occasional pang that you won't get to go through it all again with a new baby.

Yeah but what's the point of saying that they're concerned when you're already pregnant? What does that achieve only to make you feel bad

That's the way I see it too, at the point that people are announcing a pregnancy Its highly unlikely they're going to reconsider going ahead. Any reservations I had were processed and put to bed by week 6. It wouldn't matter what anybody said to me now, I wouldn't abort. I would feel sad if anybody suggested I should though.

But do you complain about lack of space or the day to day struggles you might have?

Not particularly no, when she's asked in the past how DS was and how I'm coping being couped up with little to no break during lockdown I've been honest and said there have been some difficult days but I'm sure that's the case for everybody. Her brother has an autistic child so she has some insight into the fact it can be hard sometimes.

Thank you for the congratulations by the way PP's.

I think since other people were deflated you will start to read more into the less-than-overwhelmed reactions of others

Yes I think this is true.

I've recently gone NC with one relative who implied I should be on contraception, totally out of the blue when I was 12 weeks pregnant. I hadn't told them about the pregnancy because I knew they'd be very negative and their nosy intrusive comments only cemented to me that I was doing the right thing by keeping it to myself.

So because of people like that, I'm more sensitive to underwhelmed responses.

I was already on contraception by the way, for all the good that did me.