Meeting friend next week, I haven't mentioned being pregnant. WWYD?

[Crepesuzanne]

I wrote a post on here a few months ago asking for feedback on whether it was unusual/daft of me to keep my pregnancy to myself and not tell the majority of family/friends.

My reason was because a couple of them reacted negatively to me having my second and this will be my third. Their responses to my nice news put a bit of a dampner on what was initially a happy time, last time.

Circumstances aren't perfect, we could do with more space and one of our DC is disabled and hard work (which is where I believe the judgement comes from) but overall it's our decision to proceed right?

After not seeing anybody for the best part of a year I'm due to meet up with one of my long time friends next week, as good a friend as they have been - unfortunately they were one of the people who's reaction deflated me last time.

I'm 4.5 months now and have an obvious bump and I'm unsure whether to tell them in advance or just go along and say nothing at all, then brace myself for the shock / disappointment / judgement.

WWYD?

@UnFringed

Not go? She sounds a twat.

This

God she sounds like fun to hang out with! I met up with two friends last week with a 'surprise' 6m pregnancy bump and got congratulations.

I definitely wouldn't do that to friends who are struggling with fertility obviously.

But yer, she doesn't seem like a great friend OP.

I've always been somebody that allows others opinions to get to me. I admire people like DH (and alot of MNers) who quite simply couldn't give a toss what people think.

@NotMeekNotObedient

God she sounds like fun to hang out with! I met up with two friends last week with a 'surprise' 6m pregnancy bump and got congratulations.

I definitely wouldn't do that to friends who are struggling with fertility obviously.

But yer, she doesn't seem like a great friend OP.

Congratulations

Yes her reaction to my last pregnancy really put a dampner on the day for me.

It was the first time I'd seen her in a few months and decided to tell her over lunch, her only reply was "oh.." and her face fell, then an awkward silence for a few minutes.

I don't want a repeat of that so I'll definitely say something in advance.

A part of me wonders whether the less than happy reaction stems from me having children means I'm unable to do alot of the fun stuff so therefore not a fun (or very available) friend.

She's invited me on holiday with her, both abroad and on UK breaks and I just can't commit to anything like that. My DH works full time and I can't expect my DM to have the children for days on end, DS wouldn't cope without me anyway.

She also likes drinking alot more than I do. When we meet up I have a cursory glass of wine so as not to be a spoil sport but I can't (and don't even want to) be getting pissed and staying out all night.

@Greenmarmalade

I have previously been very concerned about a friend becoming pregnant with her third, as she was really struggling every day with her second child. I faked happy congrats, but I can see how others in different friendships could want to be more honest about their worries for someone.

I see what you mean with wanting honest friends but surely the best way forward is to say "congratulations, how are you feeling?" and take it from there. If mum is happy, then friends can put on a smile and keep their concerns to themselves

She’s not a great friend if she’s judgmental because you make different choices about stuff like how many children to have.

I had 2 DC, because any more than that seemed insane to cope with... for me. I have friends with 4 or 5 DC, I congratulate them, ask how they are, when they’re due, that sort of stuff. I might at some point make a joke about not knowing how they cope because 2 was more than enough for me, but I’m not judging them - more my parenting ability, lol.

First of all congratulations!
Second of all people react differently but it is your pregnancy and your decision so they should hide it. When someone tells me they're pregnant and it's not visible I ask them how they feel about it (unless I know for sure they're happy), because I don't want to assume. They may be telling me because they're considering termination so I think it's best to check what kind of support they need.
I read an advice from a psychologist of how to best spread this kind of news and not to get upset by people's reaction. Try to communicate it as a request to be happy for you, to support you, something like " I'm pregnant. It was a shock at first, but I'm really happy about it now. I know you probably didn't expect we'll have another child but I'd appreciate if you can be happy for us because we're happy, and we're ready."
That's just an example. Apparently people react well if it's a request, rather than something negative (e.g. "don't criticise me"). One thing that's on your side is that you're half way through your pregnancy so any "well meant" advice is pointless

I think the fact she's a 'Fun Bobby' friend is actually more important than how she reacted to your news in any given moment.

If she can't make space in her life for you because you don't want to go on holiday/go drinking with her then she's not a real friend, is she?

So for example, I have two friends who I (separately) used to go out for boozy lunches with/pop round for a bottle of wine and a giggle. They both gave up drink. One is quite happy to still go out for lunch and then do other things that we both enjoy like going to an art gallery or walking round our nearest city. She loves cinema so I've become her film pal too. Our friendship has evolved and is lovely.

The other friend is really sniffy about me still liking a drink, purses up her lips when I order a glass of wine with lunch, isn't really up for doing anything new and talks about her 'new sober friends group' all the time in a way that I feel is judgemental. We've not been able to adjust that friendship so eventually it will fade away.

With friend A we've made room for each other, with friend B we haven't, so the friendship can't be sustained. If your friend is a friend B it isn't really about the pg, it's about the fact that she sees your children as a barrier to your friendship and that's not OK.

So many helpful replies thank you. I'm feeling less stressed about it now.

I think being overtly positive about it is a good idea and leads the way so to speak.

Sadly I do think she sees my DC as a bit of a barrier yes. It didn't really occur until I posted here and then started writing everything down. She has been determined to get me to go abroad with her for the past few years and seems unable to grasp why that wouldn't work.

Her DC is an adult now and she only sees him every once in a while as he moved cities so she's well past the sleepless nights and needing to put her hobbies and travel secondary.

It's like when we meet up, she would happily spend the entire day into the late evening having a drink and a good time.

I can't do that because I have to get back for the children.

If me meeting her coincides with DH being at work then my DM will offer to have them for a couple of hours so I can go out and have a bit of me-time, but it's not fair not practical for that to extend to me not getting home until 9-10pm at night.

I don't think she quite understands that, because she's so far removed from having to consider that herself.

I always think its a good idea to break pregnancy news in advance and in a way where people can moderate their reaction before they see you like in a message or email.

You really never know what someone is going through, despite how it might look/sound from the outside. Totally agree with you OP that once a child is conceived and v much wanted the only thing to say is congrats and if you have any worries or concerns just keep them to yourself, unless they really explicitly ask for you opinion, and even then be careful!

Really try not to let other people's reactions factor into your thinking. No one will care about your pregnancy or your family as much as you do - and I don't mean that in a bad way iyswim - so take any opinions they offer with a smile, nod and huge pinch of salt.

Thank you folklore, you're spot on

I definitely need to stop caring so much about other people's opinions as they don't truly matter.

I'm going to send her a text shortly.

Don't forget, OP, that she might just be / have been disappointed that you wouldn't be able to drink with her / stay out late / go on trips your mentioned, etc.

It's quite common for people to feel sad that their friends aren't in the same life stage as them.

@DontDrinkDontSmokeWhatDoIDo

Don't forget, OP, that she might just be / have been disappointed that you wouldn't be able to drink with her / stay out late / go on trips your mentioned, etc.

It's quite common for people to feel sad that their friends aren't in the same life stage as them.

The more I think about it the more i think that this is the case, but will be wrapped up as concern.

She has always been dissapointed when I couldn't go abroad or for weekends away, failing to appreciate how its just not possible for parents of small children to just pack a bag and bugger off for a week/end.

Once I got past the breastfeeding stage, I have regularly packed a bag and headed off for the weekend. (Regularly as in twice a year, every year, so not that often! But time away with my best friend is priceless)

@Mistressinthetulips

Once I got past the breastfeeding stage, I have regularly packed a bag and headed off for the weekend. (Regularly as in twice a year, every year, so not that often! But time away with my best friend is priceless)

Good on you, genuinely

We all need a break after all.

It's not easy for me to do the same because I'm DS primary carer and he's very high needs. DH certainly does his share but he has a very demanding job which means I can't just take off and have him take over when it suits me / friend. My DM helps where she can but I couldn't expect her to have them overnight, she's getting older now and it's too much for her.

To be honest I'm not much into boozing these days. The last time I had a couple of drinks (literally 2) I had a raging hangover the next day and was useless.

My point is not so much that you should do what I do, but that your friend will not assume it is impossible for a mother to ever go away for the weekend.
So you may need to focus more on your individual situation, not that you need to give her a reason but might help her be more understanding. I don't drink a lot when I'm away, but I love to see new places and get to eat a three course meal without having to read the menu out to anyone or cut up their food Though I do have the habit of asking my friend if she's been to the toilet

Best way to deal with people like this is to plaster a massive smile on and say in an enthusiastic voice, "I've got some exciting news! I'm pregnant again! We're so thrilled!"

Because really, once you've set the tone like that anyone who goes against it looks like a real knob. You can do that in a text too, with same words and happy emoticons.

Maybe she's building a fantasy in her head of you getting over the worst of the early childhood stage and having more time to go away with her like old times. Doesn't sound like a very realistic fantasy obviously.

I would never expect anybody to be overjoyed for me, I just find outwardly deflated reactions hard to take in in person.

Some people aren’t very good at masking their true feelings. If she feels shocked/disappointed/sad at your news it could well lead to an awkward pause or a deflated reaction.

I don’t think anyone’s suggesting abortion!

But not every pregnancy is wanted so not everyone rushes to congratulate.
As you’ve had a hard time previously with PND, haven’t space for another child, didn’t plan to have a third and confided in her about your struggles with motherhood, illness and wanting to go back to work; is it any wonder she may struggle to muster up a smile even if you’re all excited and positive?

And like you said there may be other reasons she doesn’t sound delighted, like she’ll lose more of your time and attention.

Maybe she secretly wanted another child and couldn’t conceive? It’s surprisingly common for women to try but not mention it and make out they chose to have only one. So it can be like a slap in the face when a friend gets pregnant by accident in far from ideal circumstances, especially if they then confide in you about how hard it is.

She has always been dissapointed when I couldn't go abroad or for weekends away, failing to appreciate how its just not possible for parents of small children to just pack a bag and bugger off for a week/end.

Well I can understand feeling sad about that, as friendships change hugely once children come along. However I would still be happy for the pregnant friend. It would be quite selfish to put my wish for a few weekends away per year above their wish for family life.

And as for the "concern" - I think it's fine to express your doubts before the decision is made (a friend of mine decided to get pregnant under circumstances that seemed very dubious and we spent a lot of time discussing it) but once they have actually got pregnant you have to put your views aside and be a supportive friend.

Thank you ladies. Alot of good points made.

As you’ve had a hard time previously with PND, haven’t space for another child, didn’t plan to have a third and confided in her about your struggles with motherhood, illness and wanting to go back to work; is it any wonder she may struggle to muster up a smile even if you’re all excited and positive?

I totally see where you're coming from, the thing is though.. none of those things were a factor when I was pregnant with my second and she responded with visible disappointment then.

Now those things are factors in I'm almost certain her response won't be positive, because she thought #2 wasn't good news despite everything being rosy then she's definitely going to feel justified in not approving this time IMO.

I haven't said anything yet

Maybe she just feels like she loses a little bit of you when you have a baby because
the baby will be your priority and you probably won't have all that much time for meeting up for a while....

@Crepesuzanne

I know a young woman through a parenting group who has recently had her 6th, she lives in an upper floor flat with no lift access and doesn't have enough bedrooms.Of course most people would think "oh my that sounds difficult, I do hope she'll cope"

My response was to feel really sorry for the five children she already has, and the sixth one that's on the way, who are being forced into this horrendous life through no choice of their own.

[quote ChairmansReserve]@Crepesuzanne

I know a young woman through a parenting group who has recently had her 6th, she lives in an upper floor flat with no lift access and doesn't have enough bedrooms.Of course most people would think "oh my that sounds difficult, I do hope she'll cope"

My response was to feel really sorry for the five children she already has, and the sixth one that's on the way, who are being forced into this horrendous life through no choice of their own.[/quote]
I don't see that the children are having a horrendous life. They appear to be happy, loved and well looked after. There are certainly much less fortunate children than ones who have to share a bedroom.

Overcrowding is a reality for alot of families for a multitude of reasons, especially in the south and with working families too, thats not to say those children are being neglected or living a miserable life.