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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Settle an argument please

93 replies

XivfX · 11/05/2021 23:02

I was recently told that my consultant has put me and my husband forward for ivf. He gave us some timelines for starting treatment. I spent around 3 hours reading around my ccg’s rules and the nice guidelines and doing some research on the process and reading Mumsnet. I went to go and tell my husband everything I had found out.

I told my husband the expected dates for starting treatment. He started to ask some questions but I asked him to let me say the full info first as I was rushing as I was due to phone someone shortly. I was probably a bit short with him as I was trying to speak very quickly. After I finished everything I needed to say, his response was “well that’s kiboshed the holiday”. He did also ask a few ivf related questions afterwards but regardless this comment was quite upsetting for me.

We were hoping to book somewhere this summer but my ivf treatment will start before this holiday date.

I got very upset with this comment as it felt like the main point he was bothered about was the holiday. I explained that most women would find this comment hurtful but he disagreed.

We have been TTC for years and it’s obviously a very upsetting time and instead of thinking about a holiday I expected him to think about the injections or pain I will have to go through.

This was my husbands idea to ask mumsnet as he genuinely doesn’t see how what he said was hurtful and he says I was being over sensitive.

Do you think most women would be upset by this comment?
Yes - IANBU
No - IABU

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 11/05/2021 23:06

Insensitive and worrying as you are going to need a lot of sensitive support going through this treatment and if successful, a few missed holidays.

RunningFromInsanity · 11/05/2021 23:07

Im not going to vote as some women are more sensitive than others but I wouldn’t necessarily have been upset by it.
I guess it depends on the tone he said it in and his general attitude to TTC and IVF.

I’m sure you already know that this is probably going to be a really stressful experience for you both (sorry) so you both need to accept that you are going to unintentionally upset each other, and at times the other person is going to find something hurtful that you didn’t mean etc. You need to be able to put it to bed and move on pretty sharpish.

RunningFromInsanity · 11/05/2021 23:09

Also, you took 3 hours to read and learn and process and you gave it all to him in one rushed go and wouldn’t let him ask questions. I imagine he was massively overwhelmed and just said the first thing that popped into his head.

When my Dad died my irrational first thought was that I would have to cancel my upcoming holiday.

nocoolnamesleft · 11/05/2021 23:10

Mmm. You're burbling on full of this possible chance to have a baby, and his instant response is to whinge about not getting a holiday? I'm afraid that does feel rather dismissive to me. I hope you are both on the same page with this journey?

user1927462849194729 · 11/05/2021 23:14

@RunningFromInsanity

Also, you took 3 hours to read and learn and process and you gave it all to him in one rushed go and wouldn’t let him ask questions. I imagine he was massively overwhelmed and just said the first thing that popped into his head.

When my Dad died my irrational first thought was that I would have to cancel my upcoming holiday.

From his perspective, you couldn't even be arsed to set aside enough time to share the information properly and listen to him, much less allow him to process any of it.

You just delivered a monologue, cutting him off when he tried to interact, and then expected a perfect response focused on you delivered on cue. At what point did you pause to consider his feelings or thoughts?

You're not the only one going through this.

Original poster
XivfX · 11/05/2021 23:21

@user1927462849194729 I did do a monologue. I was trying to share all the info I had just found out. With every expectation that we could talk about it in detail after my call. I didn’t expect a perfect response at all, I just didn’t expect a hurtful or insensitive one. I would have been happy with “that’s a lot to take in let’s talk about it later”. No I’m not the only one going through this but unfortunately it’s the woman who had to go through the pain of miscarriages and infertility and the invasive and painful tests.

OP posts:
Womencanlift · 11/05/2021 23:22

YABVU to think that rushing to phone someone was more important than having a proper conversation about what is about to happen to both your lives

No wonder he made a flippant comment

Spottybluepyjamas · 11/05/2021 23:23

I would have found it very insensitive - you've taken the time to find out everything, and pass along the info that's going to potentially change your lives in the long-term (and definitely will in the short-term). His reply seems very self centred.

HOWEVER, he probably just said the first thing that came to mind - and in his defence if you don't have this holiday and do manage to get pregnant, then your next care-free holiday will likely be YEARS away.

Still annoying though, and I'd be a little upset too. Hope you're ok - and good luck with the IVF!

Joanie34 · 11/05/2021 23:24

Friends went for ivf and were told to have a holiday before they started as it's a tough ride. Could be your last one just the two of you for a while 🤞 maybe he thought there was going to be time especially after the lockdowns x

Original poster
XivfX · 11/05/2021 23:26

@Womencanlift of course I don’t think a call is more important. The call had been arranged a while and I was actually taking the call while making tea for us both.

OP posts:
Original poster
XivfX · 11/05/2021 23:29

@Joanie34 ye I would love to have a holiday before staring the ivf. Unfortunately I expect to start taking the injections towards the end of June and our holiday country doesn’t open until June (not sure exactly when in June). Hopefully we can squeeze a holiday in before though.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 11/05/2021 23:29

Sorry you are having to go through all of this, but you have to understand that people all respond differently.

If you want to analyse the way things are said, then your 2nd paragraph was what made me go Hmm, not his response. The fact you had to 'deliver your monologue in x minutes as you had to make a phone call ?!?

I don't think his response was hurtful at all.

beccahamlet · 11/05/2021 23:33

I am not going to vote because although I think you 're being a bit unfair to your husband I think you 're going through a tough time and can understand you being a bit sensitive. If he generally has your back I'd try and put it to one side. You need to pull together- you 're both on the same team. Best of luck. I hope it goes well. ( go and give him a kiss, even though he was being a bit dickish!)

Original poster
XivfX · 11/05/2021 23:35

Just to clarify I was waiting for someone to ring me at a set time which had been prearranged. Obviously if my husband had got upset about anything then I would have cancelled the call but knowing him, I knew he wouldn’t be. Also the rush was because I needed to also start cooking our 1 hour long evening meal and I was doing the call at the same time. I hate letting people down when I have arranged to speak to them but I would have cancelled if my husband needed me to.

OP posts:
FromHereToModernity · 11/05/2021 23:37

So he said that remark about missing a holiday absolutely deadpan and serious? And that's his personality?

Original poster
XivfX · 11/05/2021 23:43

@FromHereToModernity he is a nice person. He does say insensitive things a lot. He quite often says things that are quite hurtful to his friends and family and I have to explain to him why people got upset by what he said. He says he can’t usually see how what he says can be hurtful to other people.

OP posts:
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 11/05/2021 23:45

When mum rang to tell me dad died one of my first thoughts was "what about DD's baptism?" and I actually went to church to tell the priest and sort something out.

I'd prolly say the same as him about a holiday especially it's been a long time since the last one and he was really looking forward to it.

The IVF is not real yet, the work involved, the emotional,mental and sometimes even physical toll is not real yet.

He didn't even have time to process it all or ask the questions he wanted, which might've been a lot more sensitive and showing concern for your welfare.

You wanted to say your piece and you did. He said the first thing that popped into his head. It happens.

FromHereToModernity · 11/05/2021 23:50

[quote XivfX]@FromHereToModernity he is a nice person. He does say insensitive things a lot. He quite often says things that are quite hurtful to his friends and family and I have to explain to him why people got upset by what he said. He says he can’t usually see how what he says can be hurtful to other people.[/quote]
When did this blunt honesty start to reveal itself?

Bear with me on this ... It's heading somewhere.

motherloaded · 11/05/2021 23:54

Why on earth couldn't you wait AFTER your pre-arranged phone call instead of rushing?

You sound very unfair, he should be the one upset. If he wasn't even allowed to speak or ask a question, you can't blame it to be a bit lost and make a random comment about holidays.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 11/05/2021 23:57

Sorry but I think you were just as insensitive as him.

The ivf info is a massive deal. Not something you just unload at your partner in a hurried few minutes whilst removing the chance for them to actually discuss it with you.

If someone hurled a ton of info at me without putting aside proper time for me to process it and ask questions then I’d default to wondering what would happen to my holiday plans too.

I’m surprised you think he would have had a chance to think of you when you presented it this way. And for what? A phone call! That’s ridiculous.

motherloaded · 11/05/2021 23:59

It's not even insensitive, it's factual.

You sound so dismissive of him in the whole process.

user1471457751 · 12/05/2021 00:01

I don't see why you couldn't have waited until after your phone call instead of delivering a monologue and shutting him down when he asked a question. If anyone's been rude here, it's you.

MustBeTheWine · 12/05/2021 00:08

Personally I wouldn't have found his comment insensitive or upsetting but I think you were in the wrong to rush him through the info. I get that you had a scheduled phonecall that you couldn't reschedule but you could have discussed on a better more suited time to sit down and take the the time to go through the information properly and slowly.

OatcakeCravings · 12/05/2021 00:10

I’m not going to vote, it all depends on how it was delivered. I can see you thought it was insensitive and why, but I can also see he was making either an attempt at humour at a difficult and stressful time - which many people do or just stating a fact.

When my Mum died I immediately thought of the practicalities, it was near Easter, had to travel, get time off, remove child from holiday club etc etc. I guess this would seem insensitive to some, but it all had to be considered.

katy1213 · 12/05/2021 00:18

You're the one who's been insensitive, rushing through the information - why couldn't you give it to him to read in his own time? - and brushing off his questions.
And he's perfectly entitled to want a holiday before launching into this.