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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Settle an argument please

93 replies

XivfX · 11/05/2021 23:02

I was recently told that my consultant has put me and my husband forward for ivf. He gave us some timelines for starting treatment. I spent around 3 hours reading around my ccg’s rules and the nice guidelines and doing some research on the process and reading Mumsnet. I went to go and tell my husband everything I had found out.

I told my husband the expected dates for starting treatment. He started to ask some questions but I asked him to let me say the full info first as I was rushing as I was due to phone someone shortly. I was probably a bit short with him as I was trying to speak very quickly. After I finished everything I needed to say, his response was “well that’s kiboshed the holiday”. He did also ask a few ivf related questions afterwards but regardless this comment was quite upsetting for me.

We were hoping to book somewhere this summer but my ivf treatment will start before this holiday date.

I got very upset with this comment as it felt like the main point he was bothered about was the holiday. I explained that most women would find this comment hurtful but he disagreed.

We have been TTC for years and it’s obviously a very upsetting time and instead of thinking about a holiday I expected him to think about the injections or pain I will have to go through.

This was my husbands idea to ask mumsnet as he genuinely doesn’t see how what he said was hurtful and he says I was being over sensitive.

Do you think most women would be upset by this comment?
Yes - IANBU
No - IABU

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 12/05/2021 00:19

I can see why you are feeling sensitive, but I agree with the others.

He's saying this takes priority over the holiday. Not oh bother I want to go on holiday first. Expressed a little bluntly, but having been handed all the info in one go, he may have been a little shell shocked.

TedMullins · 12/05/2021 00:22

I don’t think he was insensitive. He’s allowed to be annoyed at missing a holiday while simultaneously being emotionally invested in IVF. I’m like other posters in that sometimes after being told serious things my knee jerk response is about something inconsequential and random, for instance I was told my job might move location (massive upheaval, I’ve just bought a flat, possible redundancy) and my initial thought was oh it’s a good job I didn’t buy that nice sofa if I might have to move! The sofa is unimportant in the overall context but it’s the first thing I thought of. Are these ‘hurtful’ outbursts of his actually hurtful or are they just spur of the moment thinking out loud?

Figgyboa · 12/05/2021 01:24

I personally don't see his comment as insensitive but I don't think this was the right time to tell him. Why did you have to rush before the phone call? Why not wait till afterwards when you both had time to discuss properly?

Lou98 · 12/05/2021 01:33

I'm not sure that "most women" would have found it hurtful to be honest.

Obviously only you know your partner and if he meant it in a nasty way or not but had my partner said it to me then I would have just had a laugh and moved on but then I know he wouldn't have meant it in a hurtful way, more of a lighthearted comment. We were TTC for 2 years and had previous losses before managing to successfully get pregnant with this one and I knew how much he wanted it aswell so I'd know that he wouldn't be saying anything intentionally hurtful about it and would be interested in what I was telling him.

If you genuinely think your DH was trying to be hurtful in saying in then yanbu, if however, it was meant in a lighthearted way, I think you are being overly sensitive and a bit U

Abc321xyz · 12/05/2021 02:04

You didn't give him the opportunity to ask questions about a life changing event because you were waiting for a phone call?
Isn't this as much about him as it is you??

andivfmakes3 · 12/05/2021 02:17

You've over reacted and honestly your behaviour was rude. Why bother even starting the conversation if you had a pre arranged phone call - why not just wait till it was over 🤷‍♀️
Trust me IVF puts enough strain on a marriage/relationship without you running to MN over such a trivial non event

Shoxfordian · 12/05/2021 06:05

Would have been better to wait and tell him after your call or just let him read it himself

Is he as interested in having a baby as you are?

Bluntness100 · 12/05/2021 06:11

I also think you didn’t approach this well, why couldn’t he ask questions and then you resumed the discussion after your call. I don’t think he was saying he’d rather go on holiday more he was saying you likely wouldn’t go now. And then you got all upset by it.

Really put it behind you. There is no such thing as “most women” we are not a hive mind. We are all individuals.

Geamhradh · 12/05/2021 06:21

I think the fact you found the information, went through it all and then sat him down for a lesson probably pissed him off tbf.
He was insensitive, you sound like you were bossy about the whole thing.

Rmka · 12/05/2021 06:21

OP, at first I voted YABU, but after reading your updates, I changed my vote. It sounds like your husband should give you more support in general.
And you were rushing to phonecall and making dinner, reading all about IVF. Why didn't he read with you? Why can't he help with dinner? Once you start treatment you will need him to take more responsibilities. Sorry if I'm reading too much into this and it was just one of those days but he's actually more involved.

Wishing you best of luck with IVF Flowers

Bumbers · 12/05/2021 06:30

I have had ivf (and am currently holding my 6 month old - good luck OP!)

I can see both sides. It probably isn't what you wanted to hear - you wanted the focus to be in the IVF especially if you have waited a while. And I hope after he had more time to process everything this would also be his focus.

But it probably is the sort of thought I would have had - after waiting so long it would be nice to just have a holiday before starting everything. Just to have something fun and relaxing before the intensity of IVF. Indeed I did think that and was pleased I managed to get away the week before I needed to be home last year (which also turned out to be just pre lockdown!).

Good luck OP. I didn't find the injections etc as bad as I expected. It was stressful hoping for a good response, but in many ways it was better than the monthly cycle of hope, trying and disappointment.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 12/05/2021 06:59

Sorry but I agree with your husband. Best of luck with your IVFThanks

Moondust001 · 12/05/2021 07:08

So you asked people to give you an opinion, then argued back with anyone who didn't tell you that he was being insensitive! You'd made up your mind and really you only posted for affirmation that it was him and not you.

FWIIW, no, I don't think he was being insensitive. I think your timing was really bad. You had to spend hours getting your head around it, but expected to throw it all at him, in a torrent of information; but then limited his responses by telling him not to interrupt you because you have an important telephone call and wanted to get the conversation over with!

Holly60 · 12/05/2021 07:26

[quote XivfX]@user1927462849194729 I did do a monologue. I was trying to share all the info I had just found out. With every expectation that we could talk about it in detail after my call. I didn’t expect a perfect response at all, I just didn’t expect a hurtful or insensitive one. I would have been happy with “that’s a lot to take in let’s talk about it later”. No I’m not the only one going through this but unfortunately it’s the woman who had to go through the pain of miscarriages and infertility and the invasive and painful tests.[/quote]
To be fair - when you are holding that perfect little bundle of joy in your arms, and your husband is as smitten as you (he will be) YOU might wish you’d taken that bloomin holiday Grin

Voomster953 · 12/05/2021 07:26

I don’t think he was being insensitive, either OP. What he said was factual, your holiday will be affected.

You’d delivered him a barrage of information, snapped at him when he tried to talk, because you had a prearranged call. (That apparently was being taken while you prepared an extravagant meal for you both, which took an hour... hmm).

I suspect emotions and tensions are running high and everyone is a bit more sensitive.

In the grand scheme of things does this really matter? Probably not. Forget it. What you’re about to undertake is more important and needs him to be a team.

NoSquirrels · 12/05/2021 07:26

You’re not wrong to feel anything you feel - but I don’t think his comment was massively insensitive.

People deal with things in different ways. You were both hoping to have a holiday in June, and in June you’ll be doing IVF. I can see why he’d say this. I can see why you’re upset. I don’t think it’s worth falling out over or dwelling on, frankly.

Voomster953 · 12/05/2021 07:27

Needs you both to be a team. *

Imnothereforthedrama · 12/05/2021 07:30

Nobody is in the wrong but the fact the comment bothered you is the point and he should apologise for that .
Our opinion is irrelevant it upset you and you are his partner.

NeedNewKnees · 12/05/2021 07:32

I don’t think he was remotely insensitive. And I think you’re being unfair to him.

ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 07:42

You should have waited until you had time to talk to him and let him ask questions not squeezed him in to your busy schedule. He was probably looking forward to the holiday, maybe so you could bond as a couple before you undergo the grueling process that is IVF. Maybe he meant it in a jokey way or maybe he is disappointed and you'd bombarded him with info and made him feel excluded from the process. Yes you will have it hard with injections etc but it will be tough on him too so you have to be strong as a couple.

Nevergiveupneversurrender · 12/05/2021 07:48

You overreacted and you owe him an apology. IVF is tough. You must dial down your sensitivity big time

MiniCooperLover · 12/05/2021 07:57

You are both going to have to be more patient and open with each other to get through the stress of IVF and not read into every comment. You rushed him and prioritised someone else phoning you at a set time, you could have waited until after the call 🤷‍♀️ I've been through it and actually put a cycle off because I wanted to have my holiday and the consultant agreed it was a good idea to be more relaxed when we started again. Good luck OP.

MsSquiz · 12/05/2021 07:58

He just said the first thing that came into his head. It doesn't mean he thinks more of the holiday than ivf. In his head he probably had mapped out, end of lockdown, holiday just the 2 of us, then ivf for our baby.
This was the 2nd conversation you were having about the ivf, so hadn't even considered the holiday.

FWIW, when we were told in November that MIL had possibly 6-8 weeks to live, my first thought was "fuck, all the grandkids have their birthdays in December" it didn't mean I don't love MIL and wasn't devastated about the diagnosis, it's just how my brain works

MagnoliaBeige · 12/05/2021 08:06

I’ve realised over the years that my partner’s immediate response to most things is to think about the practical implications of what’s happening, not the emotional. But that doesn’t mean they are insensitive, it’s their default mode.

It sounds like your approach to sharing the news with him wasn’t ideal either.

WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot1 · 12/05/2021 08:06

Personally, I would have been upset in your shoes and DH would certainly know about it (and would apologise). It's something I could imagine him saying, but I would also have thought of it.

However, now having had a baby and the reality of future holidays has set in, I'd probably look back and wish I had one last responsibility-free jolly. Maybe that's what he was thinking.