Settle an argument please

[XivfX]

I was recently told that my consultant has put me and my husband forward for ivf. He gave us some timelines for starting treatment. I spent around 3 hours reading around my ccg’s rules and the nice guidelines and doing some research on the process and reading Mumsnet. I went to go and tell my husband everything I had found out.

I told my husband the expected dates for starting treatment. He started to ask some questions but I asked him to let me say the full info first as I was rushing as I was due to phone someone shortly. I was probably a bit short with him as I was trying to speak very quickly. After I finished everything I needed to say, his response was “well that’s kiboshed the holiday”. He did also ask a few ivf related questions afterwards but regardless this comment was quite upsetting for me.

We were hoping to book somewhere this summer but my ivf treatment will start before this holiday date.

I got very upset with this comment as it felt like the main point he was bothered about was the holiday. I explained that most women would find this comment hurtful but he disagreed.

We have been TTC for years and it’s obviously a very upsetting time and instead of thinking about a holiday I expected him to think about the injections or pain I will have to go through.

This was my husbands idea to ask mumsnet as he genuinely doesn’t see how what he said was hurtful and he says I was being over sensitive.

Do you think most women would be upset by this comment?
Yes - IANBU
No - IABU

That was so insensitive of you. You took 3 hours to get it right in your head before you told him everything in one go, didn't let him ask questions and then rushed off to make a phone call not gonna lie that would fuck my husband off too

When he first made the comment about the holiday. My initial response was to calmly say to him that what he just said had upset me. His response was to tell me that I was being over sensitive and what he said was perfectly fine.

Once I had calmly told him that what he said had upset me I was expecting him to say “sorry he didn’t mean to upset me/It came out wrong/he is excited or nervous about starting ivf/give me a hug”

It was the fact that I told him that he had upset me and his response was to tell me I’m being over sensitive.

@knightinshiningwhatever I did let him ask questions. I asked him to let me tell him everything first and then ask questions after I had finished coz I was trying to get across all of the key points out of my head.

I don’t think anyone has said you need to keep your emotions to yourself op, so I’m not sure if you’re maybe not understanding the replies or just don’t like them so having a go?

If you try to take a step back, it took you hours to understand the info, it took you fifteen mins to give it to him and he wasn’t allowed to even ask a question or interrupt as you wanted to make dinner and take your call and he made one comment about the holiday and you started crying.

It’s about understanding when your emotions and reactions maybe out of control and not in line with the situation and trying to deal with them

Just apologise, say you should not have tried to deliver it like that and that crying becayse of his comment was an over reaction on yout part, not his fault and you’re not coping well at the moment.

I asked him to let me tell him everything first and then ask questions after I had finished coz I was trying to get across all of the key points out of my head

Op it wasn’t a work presentation, this is your husband, the hopefully future father of the child, it should have been a discussion.

@XivfX

When he first made the comment about the holiday. My initial response was to calmly say to him that what he just said had upset me. His response was to tell me that I was being over sensitive and what he said was perfectly fine.

Once I had calmly told him that what he said had upset me I was expecting him to say “sorry he didn’t mean to upset me/It came out wrong/he is excited or nervous about starting ivf/give me a hug”

It was the fact that I told him that he had upset me and his response was to tell me I’m being over sensitive.

But with respect, that's what others are telling you too? Are you saying you expect him to apologise even when he doesn't think he's done anything wrong? In which case by the same logic you could apologise for being over sensitive even though you don't think you have?

Don't think either of you are necessarily hugely in the wrong on this but don't see why you're so hung up on not being able to agree to disagree and let a fairly minor thing slide.

(In a few years time it may even be a punchline to a joke at your childs xth birthday party)

[quote XivfX]@knightinshiningwhatever I did let him ask questions. I asked him to let me tell him everything first and then ask questions after I had finished coz I was trying to get across all of the key points out of my head.[/quote]
That’s really not the same thing as letting him ask questions, really.

I have only ever acted like that at work - where I’ve said, “we’ve only got x time, and some of your questions will be answered as I go through the slides - so can we hold all questions until slide 5” - and I can tell you, it’s not ideal. It’s less engaging, people forget their questions or lose the link of why it was important. Plus - that’s work! Sometimes there’s no choice -I’d tell my husband to piss off if he wanted to treat me like that. You weren’t stuck in a limited time, one chance only to reach this audience situation.

I think you do need to acknowledge that, rather than brush it away pretending to yourself that he really did have proper opportunity to ask questions at that time.

Thanks for replying to my question earlier, OP.

If he's always been like this, then I think that you've entered into a relationship where your needs are not going to be met, not now, and probably not in the future.

I agree with Annie above:
The two of you need to talk about how to communicate better. You’ve obviously been through a lot and there’s going to be much more ahead of you with ivf and then hopefully a baby.

I suspect you have a lot of realisations to come to, or a life of frustration ahead.

I am truly sympathetic because I've been through it myself. It's taken a lot of unpicking.

@XivfX

When he first made the comment about the holiday. My initial response was to calmly say to him that what he just said had upset me. His response was to tell me that I was being over sensitive and what he said was perfectly fine.

Once I had calmly told him that what he said had upset me I was expecting him to say “sorry he didn’t mean to upset me/It came out wrong/he is excited or nervous about starting ivf/give me a hug”

It was the fact that I told him that he had upset me and his response was to tell me I’m being over sensitive.

Why should he lie though? You were being over sensitive. That’s hardly the crime of the century - I see why, and feel for you. But not only were you over sensitive, but you can’t let it drop - taking you MN to re-hash it. Why can’t you accept that he did nothing wrong, he was right not to placate you with a fake apology, and just move on?

[quote XivfX]@knightinshiningwhatever I did let him ask questions. I asked him to let me tell him everything first and then ask questions after I had finished coz I was trying to get across all of the key points out of my head.[/quote]
If you want him to feel involved and stick with it for the long haul then you need to have conversations with him not just shut him down when he tries to talk.

If he doesn't feel like an equal in this process it will be very hard to keep him motivated

@XivfX

What upset me most is that I do all the research, all the planning, I chase all the hospital appointment. I go through all the tests and pain. I literally do everything. He complains because he can’t have a hot bath and because he can’t drink alcohol.

After years of going through this I just expected him to think of me.

I would love a holiday but if the option was holiday or ivf I would 100% pick ivf. But if we can get away before then we definitely will.

It wasn’t really the fact that he mentioned the holiday it’s that he mentioned it in an insensitive manner. There is a difference between

• well that’s kiboshed the holiday and
• thanks for doing all this research. Let’s chat about it later in more detail. It might be a shame if we miss the holiday but we could maybe go somewhere different before we start ivf (gives a hug)

Honestly OP I don't want to sound critical but you come across as being fairly self absorbed.

I understand fertility struggles are awful and you have my sympathy but you sound like you don't like your husband very much, that he's not grateful enough for the work you're doing in researching this, that he's no responding in the way you want, that he's not pretty-emptively sympathising with you for medical procedures you've not yet had, that he's not allowed to feel both disappointed at the lack of a holiday after a global pandemic as well as interested in IVF, that he can't ask questions or interrupt your schedule....

It sounds exhausting and overbearing.

I get that it's all consuming, but it reads like this is your plan and he's just there to service your needs. Do you actually even like him?

In the nicest way possible I think you are being a little oversensitive.

So he is not allowed to make a comment about a holiday, which could have been just an observation. Whilst you get three hours to absorb information , then download to him in a couple of minutes, not allowing him to question anything because your phone call is more important than him processing the news. You sound self absorbed, you are not the only person on this journey.

I've been through IVF too. This comment would not have upset me, IVF unfortunately does get in the way of other things you want to do, and it is disappointing not being able to go on holiday! Sounds like he knows that the IVF is more important though.

If he's have said no, I want to go on holiday first and put the IVF off for another however long that would be a different matter.....

*From his perspective, you couldn't even be arsed to set aside enough time to share the information properly and listen to him, much less allow him to process any of it.

You just delivered a monologue, cutting him off when he tried to interact, and then expected a perfect response focused on you delivered on cue. At what point did you pause to consider his feelings or thoughts?

You're not the only one going through this.*

Completely agree with this.

You are completely dismissive of him and the fact he is also suffering infertility.
You cut him off because you needed a phone call and couldn't even be bothered to find time to talk to him properly. Imagine how overwhelmed he must have been??

I think you're being really unfair to say how insensitive he is, when you were equally so in the way you delivered the news.
He's probably also incredibly overwhelmed and upset by your reaction to a clear flippant comment. I wouldn't have known what to say in that scenario either.

I does feel like you've only posted this expecting lots of women to back you up and agree with you. Actually, 70% of posters are disagreeing, but you are still insisting you are right and arguing about it.

I agree with those who said you took hours to read and absorb information, then picked a (not very convenient time) to blurt it all out to your DH in a monologue. He was not allowed to interrupt or ask questions and you then got highly offended when his first thought was "ok, so we won't get a holiday this year". He was simply verbalising the things that came to him whilst trying to process what was presumably massive amounts of detailed info.

You chose the time to dump this all on him. Why choose a time where you needed to rush it all out because you had a phone call/tea to cook? How vital was all that? Why didn't you wait until after you'd both eaten instead to sit down, with no pressure and discuss it all calmly and in detail. Then he could have asked questions as you went along, digested the information and not been sitting there like in a work meeting whilst you barked stuff at him and told him not to speak til you'd finished.

I get that it's a stressful time. It's probably stressful for him, too. Your post feels very focused on your feelings and what you want. You say you calmly explained to him most women would be upset. You say he suggested you ask on Mumsnet.

Mumsnet is mostly on his side.

@XivfX

When he first made the comment about the holiday. My initial response was to calmly say to him that what he just said had upset me. His response was to tell me that I was being over sensitive and what he said was perfectly fine.

Once I had calmly told him that what he said had upset me I was expecting him to say “sorry he didn’t mean to upset me/It came out wrong/he is excited or nervous about starting ivf/give me a hug”

It was the fact that I told him that he had upset me and his response was to tell me I’m being over sensitive.

The thing is, the overwhelming majority of responses on this thread are also agreeing with your dh. Very often on MN, posters will agree with the OP 'just because' she is the op, or just because she is the woman. However, in this case, almost everyone is saying your dh wasn't 'wrong' or 'insensitive' in his response, so I can't understand why you think he should apologise, just because you don't agree with him. You were being over sensitive. You handled it badly, then cried in the hope that he would say you were right. That's not the way grown ups deal with differences of opinion.