Settle an argument please

[XivfX]

I was recently told that my consultant has put me and my husband forward for ivf. He gave us some timelines for starting treatment. I spent around 3 hours reading around my ccg’s rules and the nice guidelines and doing some research on the process and reading Mumsnet. I went to go and tell my husband everything I had found out.

I told my husband the expected dates for starting treatment. He started to ask some questions but I asked him to let me say the full info first as I was rushing as I was due to phone someone shortly. I was probably a bit short with him as I was trying to speak very quickly. After I finished everything I needed to say, his response was “well that’s kiboshed the holiday”. He did also ask a few ivf related questions afterwards but regardless this comment was quite upsetting for me.

We were hoping to book somewhere this summer but my ivf treatment will start before this holiday date.

I got very upset with this comment as it felt like the main point he was bothered about was the holiday. I explained that most women would find this comment hurtful but he disagreed.

We have been TTC for years and it’s obviously a very upsetting time and instead of thinking about a holiday I expected him to think about the injections or pain I will have to go through.

This was my husbands idea to ask mumsnet as he genuinely doesn’t see how what he said was hurtful and he says I was being over sensitive.

Do you think most women would be upset by this comment?
Yes - IANBU
No - IABU

Like pp said it was probably a random comment that just came out.Dh asked me if i thought he'd caught the sun when I told him I was pregnant🤣 ( it was summer)

I’d have said “oh yeah - bugger” - seems a sensible thing to say to me - I always like to get the practicalities sorted.

Very over sensitive - and of you!

Sounds like a horrible phone call, with you refusing to answer questions. Why didn’t you just wait and speak to him properly?

I’ve had IVF and I would have said the same as him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Good luck with it though

So you can be insensitive and Chuck a monologue of information at him with no chance to ask questions, because you had a booked call but he can’t say the first thing that popped into his head?

He comment was insensitive yes, but was reactive and not thought through but your monologue was planned-you should have waited till after your call to share the information, allowing him to ask questions more normally as you went through it. YWBU IMO.

IVF is a massive deal for both of you-yes the physical issues of miscarriage and IVF are yours but the mental load is the same for both of you. How much do you support him through it? You need to be on the same page and be supportive of each other going through this.

I think he was justified to be gutted about the holiday, it's been so long before we've been allowed to go away, I'd be gutted too.

The baby/ fertility doesn't need to take over all your lives, it's also so important to stay strong together and have other releases, as it is going to be a tough ride

I can't see anything offensive in what he said, but I suppose it depends on his tone. Was he deadly serious and genuinely focused on the holiday? On the surface it just sounds like a flippant, jokey comment before moving on to the more serious stuff. Doesn't sound like anything that should cause offence. You've admitted to both being short with him and delivering big news in this rushed manner, so all the signs point to it being you who was the rude one.

But this is always going to be a strange one for strangers who weren't there to call. So much depends on tone and the context of previous behaviour and attitude.

Men process information differently. Having been through 10 rounds of IVF I really know this!

A lot of men see things as factual and dates are no exception. Some men are more able to apply a more emotional response, others really are not.

He hadn't had time to process the information you'd given him, and stated factually that it clashed with your holiday. You are working from an emotional side, and that's completely normal.

The reality is that if your start date could be delayed to allow you the holiday, you chances of a better outcome are greater.

One very renowned IVF specialist once told me that a woman should prepare for her IVF as a racehorse prepares for a race.

You invest a lot in preparation, conditioning, rest, exercise, good nutrition, low stress, and having a restful holiday just before is perfect. I'd say the timing couldn't be better.

Usually IVF clinics can shunt you a month or even two, on. In fact, most IVF clinics do shunt you a month on as they have you on a holding pattern until all the approximated dates become fixed. This is precisely two weeks before egg collection. Until then it's a floating date.

I should also add, that his advice was spot on and worked.

@katy1213 people seem to assume I had left 5 minutes before the call. I actually had 30 minutes before my call. I took about 15 minutes to explain everything I had read. Then he made the upsetting comment and I started crying due to all the stress and worry. The next 10 minutes were him telling me I was being over sensitive and he said nothing wrong. Also there is definitely no launching into ivf. We have been having been TTC for 2.5 years and we have been expecting the ivf referral for a few months now. Also there is no way he would have done the same reasearch as me so I couldn’t let him read what I had found. He has done no research through any of this processed rot reading it starts with an egg because I was gong to buy him some vitamins.

@FromHereToModernity he has always been like this. His parents usually laugh at how rude he comes across and say how do I put up with him. He isn’t cruel but he just sometimes doesn’t understand the other persons feelings or viewpoint.

Op, are you in a happy relationship? It does not sound like you are.

If you are, are you ok mentally or has the stress and anxiety starting to take its toll and maybe you need some help?

Telling him to not interrupt then crying when he made a simple comment about the holiday is quite concerning.

Do you maybe need some support through this?

@Voomster953

I don’t think he was being insensitive, either OP. What he said was factual, your holiday will be affected.

You’d delivered him a barrage of information, snapped at him when he tried to talk, because you had a prearranged call. (That apparently was being taken while you prepared an extravagant meal for you both, which took an hour... hmm).

I suspect emotions and tensions are running high and everyone is a bit more sensitive.

In the grand scheme of things does this really matter? Probably not. Forget it. What you’re about to undertake is more important and needs him to be a team.

What’s so shocking about a meal taking an hour. It’s a gousto meal which takes an hour to cook all prepared from scratch.

@Imnothereforthedrama

Nobody is in the wrong but the fact the comment bothered you is the point and he should apologise for that . Our opinion is irrelevant it upset you and you are his partner.

Thank you this makes so much sense. If I’m upset as my husband he should want to comfort me not tell me I’m being over sensitive

YABU and oversensitive.

You also should not have rushed through it and been rude; you should have waited until after your phone call to discuss something so important.

Thank you this makes so much sense. If I’m upset as my husband he should want to comfort me not tell me I’m being over sensitive

This makes sense because it validates your behaviour. On one side this comment can be accurate, on the other side it is not fair on him if he needs to apologise when he’s done nothing wrong and the issue was you.

This makes sense because it validates your behaviour. On one side this comment can be accurate, on the other side it is not fair on him if he needs to apologise when he’s done nothing wrong and the issue was you.

I agree with this. He hasn’t done anything wrong and he doesn’t have anything to apologise for.

Your oversensitivity is not his fault.

What upset me most is that I do all the research, all the planning, I chase all the hospital appointment. I go through all the tests and pain. I literally do everything. He complains because he can’t have a hot bath and because he can’t drink alcohol.

After years of going through this I just expected him to think of me.

I would love a holiday but if the option was holiday or ivf I would 100% pick ivf. But if we can get away before then we definitely will.

It wasn’t really the fact that he mentioned the holiday it’s that he mentioned it in an insensitive manner. There is a difference between

• well that’s kiboshed the holiday and
• thanks for doing all this research. Let’s chat about it later in more detail. It might be a shame if we miss the holiday but we could maybe go somewhere different before we start ivf (gives a hug)

I think the voting probably tells you you owe him an apology.

If you've only now been referred for IVF I would be amazed if you started treatment as quickly as June. Getting funding in place, consultations, repeat tests, scans, getting treatment plans in place, waiting for your period, waiting for a "slot", long protocol, short protocol - none of this happens quickly.

It sounds like you’ve had a long and stressful journey to get to this point and it’s not surprising that you’re both feeling a bit on edge. Having gone through similar, I really feel for you both. I know it’s the woman who has to undergo the treatment, but people often forget that the whole process has a huge impact on the man as well and they often feel like they can’t complain because ‘it’s not as bad’ for them.

I can understand why you wanted to give him all the information you’d been researching and why you were disappointed by his response, but I can also see how it might have been a bit overwhelming for him especially being told not to ask questions. I can also understand his response re. the holiday as I frequently got annoyed myself at IVF cycles interfering with my holiday plans and that was pre-covid when it wasn’t all that long since our last holiday!

We had four rounds of IVF and the best thing we did was to delay the start for a couple of months to accommodate a two week holiday - it was exactly what we needed to relax and spend time together before embarking on the treatment. Our first two rounds ended in miscarriage and we then delayed starting the third so we could take another big holiday, which again was definitely the right decision and we felt rested, relaxed and ready to start again afterwards.

Best of luck with your treatment

You’re saying that he doesn’t understand things from others’ point of view, but in being so offended/writing this thread you’re also not trying to see it from his.

As evidenced from other posters’ anecdotes, not everyone processes sensitive information in the same way. It’s very possible that he felt overwhelmed by the onslaught of information and trivialized the conversation (by mentioning the holiday) as his way of coping. Plenty of people do this, myself included. When my partner feels overwhelmed, he often cannot offer any words at all - no encouragement, no reassurance. He just has to be alone with his thoughts to take it all in for a while. It’s not ideal but it’s how some people are.

Just because he didn’t say what you wanted/expected from him in that immediate instance doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, or that he wouldn’t have offered some support eventually.

Having said that I do know that this must be a very difficult time for you and that emotions are running high. I hope everything goes well with the IVF & that you have a lovely baby soon enough

I don't think he did anything wrong.

You really should've waited till after your phone call for something so important. I'd feel pissed off being snapped at for asking a simple question - and then talked 'at' for 15 minutes. In fact, I'm petty enough that in that situation I would've just walked away after you snapped.

I think you were very dismissive of him, then when he was allowed to speak you deemed his response not good enough.

Saying all that, you do sound very stressed OP, understandably, and maybe are reading too much into his words, did it make you think he wasn't as emotionally invested in this as you? I would guess, as you've said you have both been on this journey for 2.5 years, that you know deep down he is (?) - sometimes our minds just switch to the practicalities, especially in a rushed situation where he knew his response would have to be short. I've never been in your situation but I imagine it's emotionally gruelling; if he wasn't invested in it I doubt he'd still be on that road with you 2.5 years later. If his response made you feel like this though you really need to discuss it, give him the chance to reassure you if his response was misinterpreted.

Best wishes to you both for your journey ahead

Thank you to everyone who gave practical advise. I think we will definitely try and get away somewhere before treatment starts even if it’s just a week in the UK instead of abroad. Also I’ll check dates with the clinic before but I have been told there is no wait and the consultant who is the ivf consultant too said I would start treatment at the end of June.

I understand I was unreasonable with the way I delivered the info but I was very excited/nervous and wanted to share what I had found in the half an hour before the call.

I still don’t quite understand the people who suggested I was emotional (it’s ivf and infertility of course I’m going to be overly sensitive). I stop how I feel so is the practical advice to keep my emotions to myself? That doesn’t seem great. We do try to share our emotions and feelings as much as we can as a couple (maybe that’s wrong?).

I still don’t quite understand the people who suggested I was emotional (it’s ivf and infertility of course I’m going to be overly sensitive). I stop how I feel so is the practical advice to keep my emotions to myself? That doesn’t seem great. We do try to share our emotions and feelings as much as we can as a couple (maybe that’s wrong?).

I don't think anyone's saying keep your emotions to yourself, just maybe recognise when they may be colouring your opinion on something that was, on paper, not that offensive.

@XivfX of course you should share your feelings with him and I don’t think anyone can blame you for being emotional - I can’t promise that I wouldn’t initially feel exactly the same as you, if I were in your situation.

It’s more how you deal with those emotions. So your instinct was to be offended and come from a ‘blame’ angle. He didn’t say this, he didn’t do this etc. It would be healthier to be able to acknowledge that the comment stung a little, but that there’s likely to be a whole host of reasons why he made it that are more likely than ‘he doesn’t care about me’.

You can tell him that you felt hurt, but do it from a place of understanding rather than anger in the heat of the moment - ‘I felt’ rather than ‘you did’.. that way he has a chance to explain his thought process and reassure you, rather than everyone getting their backs up and it becoming an argument.

He will have feelings about the IVF too. A lot of men are experts at pretending they don’t have any but in causing an argument about this remark you risk making an already emotional situation very tense. The last thing you want is to close the lines of communication when what you really need in such a tough time is mutual understanding and support.

The two of you need to talk about how to communicate better. You’ve obviously been through a lot and there’s going to be much more ahead of you with ivf and then hopefully a baby.

When I got pregnant with what I didn’t know would turn out to be our daughter, I peed on the stick, walked into the bedroom to tell DH and he said “oh fuck”. I said “yep I know”. Some people would have thought him deeply insensitive but it was my 6th pregnancy after 5 crippling miscarriages and we both knew we had the whole rollercoaster to survive again and no happy ending to be sure of.

“Oh fuck”, “that’s ruined our holiday” - they’re things people say when life is stressful and uncertain and you’ve got big news but the road ahead looks bumpy.