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Original poster

Would you have a second child after eight years? (Secondary infertility)

90 replies

Ocean456 · 10/05/2021 09:29

Looking for opinions please on what you would do in our situation...
We started trying when DC was 4, now 7 1/2 so the shortest age gap we will have is eight years....

We desperately want another but will they be close? DC said the other day 'I want someone the same age as me to play with, not a baby...'

We are planning to do IVF next month and I'm scared...

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 10/05/2021 09:32

I think you have to accept that it will be a bit like having two only children. They wont have anything in common or play together but they will be siblings

Tetrixxs · 10/05/2021 09:33

You desperately want another, there’s your answer. DC will play with friends & I’m sure they’ll have a lovely bond when they’re older Cake

Snakeprint · 10/05/2021 09:35

Out of my 4, my 2nd and 4th are closest and have an 8 year gap. You can not predict wether your dcs will be close or not. Dc1 and 2 have a 3 year gap and are not close at all.

Keepingitreal14 · 10/05/2021 09:36

Mine are 6 years apart and it has both pro’s and con’s. DS was very independent by the time DD was born so made it easier to have a newborn to look after. He doted on her and helped out, this continued until she was sort of starting school age. Now at 8 & almost 15 they fight like cat and dog and don’t have any similar interests so days out are hard. That said, he looks after her now and are great together when we’re not there. I think they will be close again as adults and when they have their own families.
If you really want another baby and are ready to effectively start again then I wouldn’t let the age difference put you off.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 10/05/2021 09:37

I have seven years between mine due to issues conceiving. They actually get on quite well as they don’t have the usual day to day squabbles of siblings close in age. Eldest sometimes gets annoyed with having a toddler in his face wanting to play, but is generally quite patient.

Good luck with the IVF.

ittakes2 · 10/05/2021 09:39

My husband has 2 brothers - 1 who is 1 year older than him and 1 who is 15 years younger. He is very close to the younger one.
I have twins - they don't like each other! Never played together. Don't let what an 8 year old says sway you to change your mind.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/05/2021 09:42

I've just had another and there a 7 year gap between the 2nd and third. 12 year gap between the first and third.

Nappyvalley15 · 10/05/2021 09:42

Yes. No question. They may or may not be close as children/adults but that can happen with siblings with any age gap.

fluffytowelsandlavender · 10/05/2021 09:43

Theres four years between my but the eldest who dates someone who is an only child states she would have hated that life..

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/05/2021 09:44

Thinking about my parents, there's 8 years between my mum and her youngest sister and they are just as close as the sister that's oy a year younger. Out of my dad's 5 siblings he is closest to his youngest brother, who I think is also 8 years younger.

PretzelParadox · 10/05/2021 09:46

The only reason to have another child is because you and your partner want one.

Also siblings are for life, not just for childhood!

MoreAloneTime · 10/05/2021 09:46

If you want another baby because you want another baby it doesn't matter what the age gap is.

Marmaladeagain · 10/05/2021 09:48

Absolutely, as many benefits as perceived negatives.

GoodHairDay86 · 10/05/2021 09:51

We were told we would never conceive again naturally and hadn't used contraception ever since. Then I started feeling sick and sore boobs so took a test! Miracle son is 5 now!
Ds was 10 when he was born and Dd 8. They adore him and him them. They have their own bonds with him and they love playing together.

You can't predict what the relationship will be but I say go for it if thats what you want to do!

ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 09:57

Your DC can have friends to play with their own age. 8 years will be fine and there's no way to predict their bond.

Allwokedup · 10/05/2021 09:58

Me and my brother have that age gap and we are really close. I loved having older siblings. Do it! Good luck

luccyloo · 10/05/2021 09:59

I know plenty of people with a similar gap, yes as children they weren't playing with dolls together but as adults they all have great relationships with one another.

Society seems to have dictated that a 2 year gap (or under) is best so when that doesn't happen it's worrying, but you don't need to.

Good luck

DenisetheMenace · 10/05/2021 10:00

Nearly 9 years between ours. Both adults now, incredibly close relationship, mutually supportive, beautiful to see.
They didn’t much “play” together when they were younger but I don’t think they necessarily would have done so whatever the gap, different personalities and interests.

Dogsandbabies · 10/05/2021 10:00

I did. My DD was 7,5 when my DS was born. They are adorable together. He idolises her and she plays with him all the time. Never regretted it. Now expecting my third and really looking forward to adding the baby to the mix.

PP are right that she is still an only child in some ways but not in others.

AnotherEmma · 10/05/2021 10:01

There is an 8 year age gap between me and my sister, and we are very close as adults.

Your child doesn't have a choice between a sibling their own age or a much younger sibling - it's a much younger sibling or nothing.

There are lots of advantages to having a bigger age gap.

Best of luck with your IVF Flowers

piglet81 · 10/05/2021 10:03

You shouldn’t base your decision on what a 7yo thinks/says. The only good reason to try for a child is because you want to - and it sounds like you do!

(I totally understand where you’re coming from though - I have a 6yo and haven’t managed to have another child but haven’t quite given up hope yet...)

Good luck Flowers

dramalamma · 10/05/2021 10:04

There is a similar gap between me and my next sibling - she was a very welcome surprise! It was like starting again for my parents but we loved playing with her and generally treating her like a doll when she was little and I'd say the age gap has been positive for all of us - she lived with us for a while before she went to uni and we're now closer as adults than either of us are to our older sibling which is a much closer age gap. You can never predict how family dynamics are going to work out - if you want another baby go for it - if you're actually worrying about starting all over again that's another question of course. It might Haley to be really clear what it is Rhys's worrying you to help you work it out.

RolloTomassi · 10/05/2021 10:11

My aunts are 8 years apart. Supposedly didn't play together at all as kids, but are now best friends and a huge support for each other as adults (particularly after they both had kids). So they're a great advert for a large gap.

Ultimately you want the second regardless, so go for it. Your DS only ever stands to benefit from a sibling, I think.

AnnieKN · 10/05/2021 10:16

Three of my siblings are much younger - 10,11 and 14 years younger.

We didn’t share a childhood but what we did share was equally as precious - I was an adult when they were teens and so they’d come and stay with me and I’d take them out and we built the most brilliant relationships.

Now we socialise together and they are the most brilliant aunts/uncles to my children who absolutely adore them (plus they are excellent babysitters Grin)

As someone else said, sibling relationships aren’t a just for childhood. They may not play together immediately but they may grow into the best of friends.

FlyingPandas · 10/05/2021 10:16

We had secondary infertility too OP. 5 year gap between 1 and 2 achieved via IVF, and then managed a natural 3 year gap between 2 and 3 (having had a couple of failed IVFs and then conceived naturally, go figure).

Just to offer a slightly less positive perspective (as others have pointed out the advantages) - I will be absolutely honest and say I have found the age gaps tough. There is no real relationship between DS1 and 3, the gap is too big, but that is also in part due to (a) DS1's personality and some additional needs and (b) due to the fact that DS3 gets on really really well with DS2 which invariably affects the overall relationships because there are 3 of them.

Personally speaking I found it was really lovely for the first few years, when DS1 was in primary, DS2 in nursery and DS3 a baby. Everything just kind of flowed. It got more challenging as the years went on - I found the age gap between DS1 and the others felt like it doubled once DS1 went to secondary, for example, and once the baby was a toddler it was a lot harder! I reached the most awkward time during holidays when I really struggled, for example, to find an activity that appealed to them all, or which they could all participate in.

It has got a lot easier again now as DS1 is nearly 17 so he just does his own thing with his friends anyway, and can easily be left home alone if he doesn't fancy what we're doing. But I won't lie, those kind of 'middle years' were hard.

You'll also most likely be the only one with a young child (or one of very few) once your DS1 is in secondary, for example, and you'll be dealing with completely different educational stages whilst most of your friends will be focused on one. For example I was helping DS3 learn to read whilst supporting DS1 with advanced GCSE preparation and that did feel a bit mad at times.

It's not all about how the siblings will get on, think really hard about the overall logistics and how those will affect your life. Sometimes I do think that DS1 has missed out due to having siblings so much younger. I hope that he will develop more of a relationship with them both once they're grown up, but at the moment I can't say it is really there.

The baby stage is the easy bit (and is lovely, as it's kind of like being a first time mum again but with none of the first time mum stress) but the toddler/preschool years can be tough when you're trying to juggle the needs of a much older child and you can, at times, feel like you're failing everyone.

All that said, though, I wouldn't change any of them now! You clearly really want another baby so I would say go for it. Good luck with the IVF.